Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: When you find out that your husband is having an affair, the last thing that you want to think about is him continuing to see her – even if this is only one last time. No, you want for him to cut off any and all contact. And many wives have very little patience for any additional request.

A wife might say: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I told him that he was not to see or talk to her ever again. This was nonnegotiable. I told him if I found out that he did, I would divorce him immediately. He calmly told me that he was going to be very honest with me throughout this whole process. Because of this, he said that could not lie to me and he felt that he needed to let me think that he was not going to continue to have a relationship with her. But, he said that he only needed to see her one last time because he wanted to have enough integrity to look her in the eye and explain things to her when he broke it off. I do not agree with this. What if she makes a big scene and begs him not to break it off? What if the spark is there and they end up having sex? What if he has no intention of breaking it off and he only wants to see her with my blessing? But when I tell my husband these things, he says that I need to trust him and that he really is going to break it off completely. What am I supposed to think about this?”

I can only tell you my opinion and it is based on the perspective of the faithful spouse. This is just my own opinion, but I couldn’t send my husband off for one last visit to the other woman either. And I suppose this husband doesn’t understand that saying “you need to trust me” when you have already caught him lying to and deceiving you is a very tall order.

With this said, this is a very common request. This husband isn’t alone with it. I hear this very often. Many men feel like they “owe it” to the other woman to tell this bad news to her face. Of course, I can’t tell you that there aren’t any men in this scenario who are lying and who only want to see her again, with no real intentions of cutting it off. But I also think that many men sincerely do intend to cut it off but feel that they need to do it in person.

You can certainly try to talk him out of this, because I agree with you that no good can come of it. I’d try something like: “since it’s ending anyway, I really do not understand why a letter, email or phone call won’t suffice. I don’t understand wanting to do this in the most honorable way possible when nothing about this was honorable. She knew that you were married, so she had to know that this might one day happen. This is very important to me. And if you want to save our marriage as much as you say, then I need to be your priority. Me being your priority means that my wishes are more important to you than hers. It’s important to me that you not see her anymore. And this is not an unreasonable request. Imagine that you were in my shoes. Imagine that I was asking you to see the other man again at least once more. Would you want me to? How would you feel when I walked out the door if you knew that I was going to see him.”

Hopefully, this will be enough to make him listen to reason. In my opinion, wanting to see her once more is truly a selfish request. And if his priority is you, then he should see that. To be fair, people aren’t always thinking clearly when they are having an affair and they aren’t usually themselves. That’s why it can be helpful to try to delay this process and ask him to wait awhile before making a decision. Because if you can delay it, then he may come to his senses and realize how silly this request truly is.

We had a lot of misunderstandings and struggles after my husband’s affair, but I was always clear that I didn’t want the other woman in our lives for one more minute.  Of course, we can’t always have what we want.  But we can try to be very clear about it anyway. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the big frustrations that I hear over and over again from wives whose husbands have cheated is that it annoys them to see their husband’s new found confidence (which sometimes borders on arrogance.) Many wives believe that all of a sudden their husband thinks he’s handsome and charming enough to attract a much younger, or in his eyes, better woman.

Because of this, whether they realize it or not, many wives will try to play to their husband’s doubts and insecurities in the hopes of knocking his confidence down a notch so that he will hesitate if he should ever think about cheating again.

She might explain: “honestly, I am doing my best right now to make my husband horribly insecure. I want him to feel awful about himself. I want for him to realize that he is not the best looking man in the world nor is he all that great of a lover. I know that all of this sounds mean, but ever since he cheated with a younger woman, he acts as if he’s the best looking man around. The other woman is younger, yes, but her looks are not anything to write home about and she is only interested in his money. If he didn’t have any money, should would not have looked twice at him. The other day we were talking about this and my husband said ‘it is as if you don’t think I have anything to offer.’ I responded that I felt he had plenty to offer me because of our love and history together but then I stressed that it was very naive of my husband to think that a young girl in the prime of her life would want an aging, balding, overweight, middle aged man if he did not have money. This made my husband angry, but it’s true. I want him to realize what is reality. Any woman who wants him is going to be interested in the fact that he is financially stable when she is just starting out. It certainly is not his looks or his charms that are of interest because he is short on both. My friends say that I should not be so brutally honest, but I don’t see why. If I can keep him insecure, maybe he will think twice about cheating on me again. And maybe he will see the other woman for what she truly is.”

I completely understand your thought process. I had these same thoughts after my own husband’s affair. But then I came to understand a few things which were very important and changed my strategy and outlook. I am going to share them below because I think it’s vital that you understand them. Often, the strategy of making him feel insecure backfires. And below, I will tell you why.

Your Husband Likely Already Knows What You Are Telling Him, But He May Resent That It Is Coming From You: Honestly, I think that there is a good chance that, deep down, your husband has already had the same thoughts that you are having. He has a mirror. He knows how much he weighs. He is generally aware of his appearance and how regular people respond to him.

And he has probably wondered or worried about what the other woman sees in him. But of course, he has been able to quiet these worries and go forward anyway. He may well realize that there is some truth to what you are saying, but he doesn’t want to see it. That one very important reason he may have cheated in the first place – to feel better about himself, which leads me to my next point.

An Insecure Man Is More Likely To Cheat On His Wife: I firmly believe that one of the main reasons that an aging man cheats is because he is desperately trying to feel better about himself and to rebuild his confidence. He knows that he doesn’t look or perform in the same way, but if he can create this diversion then at least he can FEEL the same way or recreate the old feelings he used to feel when he was younger.

So while I completely get your thought process, know that you may accomplish exactly the opposite of your goal. In my view, an insecure man who feels old, ugly, and irrelevant is actually much more likely to cheat than a man who has accepted his place in life and is OK with the same.

Think About What You Really Want: Let’s be honest. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to want to make your husband feel just a fraction of what you feel. But let’s break it down to why you REALLY want to make him feel insecure. You’re hoping that he will not cheat again.

Well, then you have to think about the best way to accomplish that. I honestly believe that the best and most effective way to affair proof your marriage going forward is to make your marriage as strong as you possibly can and to make the two individuals in your marriage- both your husband and yourself – as strong as they can possible be. This means that both of you will benefit from building your own self confidence.

This might sound counterintuitive but I firmly believe it. With confidence, comes acceptance. And with acceptance comes fidelity because you are content with your situation, with your marriage, and with your place in your life.

I am not saying that you have to tell your husband that he is the most handsome man who has ever walked the earth. But I think that, likewise, you don’t want to try to make him believe that he has no redeeming qualities. Because if this were true, you would not be married to him. He knows this. And you know it too.

So there is no reason to try to spread around bad feelings and insecurities. You will both feel better once you can begin to heal your marriage and relate to each other with dignity and respect again. But you can’t do that if you’re trying to tear one another down.

I do validate your feelings, though.  Because I made a habit of insulting my own husband after his affair.  I found that this was getting us nowhere though.  So I changed my outlook on healing. You can read more about my progress blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s normal to worry about what tomorrow is going to bring after your spouse had an affair.  You usually aren’t sure if you want to stay in the marriage.  And you also aren’t sure what your spouse really wants or if what is claiming now is all posturing.  Sometimes, the faithful spouse is so angry at the cheating spouse, that she will kick him out of the house, beginning a separation that no one saw coming.  But, when she calms down and starts to evaluate what she has done, she then wonders for how long she should force him to stay away.

She might explain: “when I kicked my husband out of the house, I honestly wasn’t thinking.  All I knew is that the sight of him made me so angry.  I also knew that we were fighting every single day.  Being together all of the time just seemed to magnify our problems.  The act of being together was enough to make us fight. So I asked him to stay with friends.  And he didn’t argue with this or ask me to stay.  Very slowly, we have started to talk again but we can’t even broach the topic of our marriage because this is going to certainly lead to an argument.  Last night, he asked me for how long I was going to keep him away.  I honestly don’t know.  I hadn’t considered this and I don’t know what is best.  For how long are you supposed to remain separated after an affair?”

Honestly, there are no real rules about this and I’m certainly not a therapist.  But it is often thought to be best if you wait until it’s obvious that you can be alone together for extended periods of time without it being painful for both of you.  It’s also optimal if you have at least worked through your problems enough so that the conflict isn’t the central theme of your time together.

A Structured Separation Might Help You To Define A Possible Time Frame: Many therapists today help couples dealing with infidelity to work out a structured separation.  What this means is that the couple agrees to a counseling schedule or a schedule where they will get together to talk over their issues.  They also agree to a schedule where they will talk or see one another to just focus on being together in a low stress way.  During these get togethers, you aren’t supposed to argue or try to hash out the affair.  You’re just supposed to try to have fun or at least a pleasurable time.  It’s often agreed upon that you’ll agree on a time frame to reevaluate your living arrangements as things get better.  You may decide that you’ll talk about this on weekly or monthly increments and decide what to do moving forward.

Many couples will tell you that they just knew when it was time to end the separation.  It was obvious that they wanted to be together again, had made real progress, and felt happier when they are together than apart.  And I believe that this is key because I think that if you move forward before one or both of you want that, then there’s a risk of the process going badly.  When this happens, you start to doubt if you should still be together at all.  It’s better to move at a slow pace and want more than to rush and doubt that you did the right thing.

I know that you might have been hoping that I would have told you a specific time frame. But it honestly does vary by couple.  It depends on how both people feel and the progress that has been made.

Not all couples separate, but even those that don’t tend have a period of time where although they are living together, they are giving one another space since being together just leads to arguments and misunderstandings.  Some people pass this phase relatively quickly and others take longer.  The period of time that you need is not indicative of how your marriage will fare.  Couples who rush this don’t love each other any more than couples who take their time and ensure that true healing has taken place. There’s really no need to rush the process, but it’s important to communicate and to regroup during it.  Otherwise, there’s a tendency to be suspicious of what your spouse is doing while they are away from you.

My husband and I didn’t officially separate, but he did spent time away from the home when things got heated between us.  And this did help some.  There was also a definite time period where we were giving space followed by an obvious time period where we were invested again. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with a husband who is trying to shift the blame after he is the one who cheated or had an affair. Often, he will try to find a way to make the wife’s behavior seem inappropriate or partly to blame.

I heard from a wife who said: “last month, I found about that my husband cheated. He calls it merely cheating. I say it was an affair because he carried on with the same woman for give weeks. To me, that’s an affair. After I found out, he told me that he would end it because our marriage was more important to him than any other person could possibly be. I did not commit to that right away. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. But I did tell him that I would be willing to go to counseling to see if that might help. He promptly found a counselor and off we went. I thought we were making progress. But then the other day, the counselor  asked me to come up with some adjectives to describe my husband. I chose immature, weak, and easily impressionable. She asked me why I chose those. I answered that I could not help but think of my husband this way because what kind of middle aged man would pick up a young jobless woman at a gym and then carry on for weeks when clearly this woman was interested only in his money. To me, that makes him quite foolish and that is how I truly felt. When we got home, my husband told me to forget the counseling and trying to save the marriage. He said I had embarrassed and humiliated him. Then he asked me if I’d told our neighbor about the affair because he noticed that she was looking at him differently and avoiding him. I admitted that I had. She’s one of my closest friends. He told me that he couldn’t work with me anymore if I was going to belittle, embarrass, and humiliate  him. This isn’t fair at all. It’s like he doesn’t want me to be honest with my counselor or my friends. It’s not my fault that the reason he’s humiliated and embarrassed has to do to his own behavior. What now?”

This is not uncommon. Husbands can be quite embarrassed or ashamed of their own actions and sometimes it is easier for them to blame their wife than to face the fall out of what they did It is unrealistic for them to expect that no one is ever going to find about their infidelity. It’s unfair for them to insinuate that you can not confide in your support system. And, it’s my opinion that you need to address this as soon as possible before your resentment builds and his protests continue.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Accusing You Of Embarrassing And Humiliating Him When He’s The One Who Cheated: In truth, the wife in this situation didn’t really want to give up on her marriage. In fact, when her husband suddenly told her that he had changed his mind about saving their marriage, this made her want to save it that much more. So, as tempted as she was to tell him that it was his own fault that he was embarrassed, she held back because she still held out hope that they could work things out. And honestly, this is sometimes part of his strategy. If he can make you regret that you ever told his secrets, then you will think twice about doing it again. He’s looking to lighten his own load by silencing you.

On one hand, this is somewhat understandable. He’s ashamed of his actions and every time you bring them up, belittle them, or share them with someone else, this only causes him pain because it reminds him once again of what he has done.  However, since he is the one that took the action in question, this is only just and fair. If anyone in your situation should be embarrassed, it must certainly should be him.

With that said, when you are still invested in your marriage, you will have to balance what is fair and just with what is going to make your marriage work. Sure, you can chose to always be right, but this might create more conflict and make it more difficult to save your marriage.

Most of the time, a compromise can be made. There is usually a way to share your feelings and to get your point across without using words and phrases that are meant to embarrass, belittle or humiliate. Calling your husband a dirty old man is different than saying that he displayed inappropriate behavior for a man of his age.

The next time the husband and the wife had a conversation about this, she may say something like: “I know that you think I’ve humiliated and embarrassed you and I will try to be more careful with the words that I use. But you have to understand that I am not telling untruths. You did cheat with a much younger woman from the gum. That is the truth and there’s no way to sugar coat this in counseling where I am supposed to be telling the truth. I will chose the friends that I confide in very carefully. But I deserve to have a support system. I’m not going to deal with this all alone or isolate myself. I will commit to watching the words and phrases I use but you must commit to claiming the truth. No, this isn’t pretty. Yes, this is painful. But it is our reality. I’m sorry if this reality is embarrassing to you but that is the path you chose. We can not go back. But what we can do is to chose to go forward on that path in a positive way. Part of that is me being able to confide in my support system. I will not do this just to hurt you or paint you in a negative light. But at the same time, you have to commit to being less defensive. This isn’t always going to be a pleasant process, but if we want to heal, we will do whatever it takes, including putting up with a little discomfort.”

This is the first step. Now, you have to make god on your promises not to use language meant to wound him. And, as you both begin to heal and move forward, you will find that he will become less defensive and you will have a tendency to lash out less.

I will admit that I wanted to embarrass my husband after his affair.  I figured the more humiliated he was, the less likely he was to cheat again.  But what I didn’t count on was the more I set out to make him experience negative feelings, the more he withdrew. As a result, my marriage became more and more damaged.  So I was able to come up with a compromise that we could both life with.  If it helps, you can read more about that healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Although there can be a lot of pain and self doubt after an affair, this time period can also be a time of reinvention. If I’m being honest, I can’t tell you that my husband’s affair was worth the “new me.” But I can honestly say that some positive changes came out of it. I was able to look closely at how I was living my life and take inventory of what was working for me and what was not. Many women are aware of this possibility and they would like to experience the same, but they just aren’t sure how. And it can be really hard to turn the corner when you are in this type of pain.

Someone may express a concern like this: “I am really struggling after my husband had an affair. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I am less than I thought I was. But something has stayed with me and I keep thinking about it. When I first started my job, a male coworker with whom I became close had an affair with another coworker. We were strictly friends and I wasn’t remotely attracted to him – which I suppose made it easier to share our feelings. Anyway, when he had the affair, he wasn’t sure if he wanted his marriage anymore. But his wife reacted in a different way than he assumed that she would. Instead of allowing it to discourage her and make her feel badly about herself, she focused her attention away from him. She went out with friends and kick started her career. Of course, my male coworker then wanted her back. He dropped the coworker immediately and went out of his way to avoid her.  And when I asked him why he had this sudden and dramatic change of heart, he said that his wife suddenly had all this confidence and she had a new mystery about her. He actually used the phrase ‘joie de vivre.’ I so want to do this with my own life. I want my husband to look at me and think that I am confident and mysterious. But lately, it is very hard for me to even fake a smile. How does one do this?”

Well, it is not an easy process. And it is not a quick process. I can’t tell you that I fell into my whole self improvement period immediately. In fact, I wallowed in my own sorrow for a while. I felt sorry for myself for a while. But then that whole process got old. You know how you hear people say they got “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Well, I knew what they meant at that point in my life. I got very weary of feeling sad and lacking in energy all of the time.

So I made a very conscious decision to make myself a priority. I decided that I was going to think long and hard about doing things I didn’t enjoy. And I was very deliberate in filling my days with those things that brought my joy. I traveled some. I decided to go back to school. I kept very busy. And I welcomed people who were nurturing into my life and steered clear of those who were negative and judgmental.

I no longer measured my day based on how things went with my husband or with my marriage. Yes, I wanted things to work for us, but I accepted that the process might be long and I realized that there was much more to my life than just that aspect of it. I did not want to let one area of my life ruin all of the others. I started to pay attention to the health of my body which meant that I exercised and ate better, which improved my appearance and gave my more confidence. As I physically felt better, I started to mentally feel better.

I am not sure how to address the “mysterious” part of the question. I would suspect that being busy and not sitting around waiting to see what is going to happen with your marriage is going to contribute to this. And perhaps not sharing every single aspect of your day with your husband. I think that it is natural for him to see the new smile on your face and wonder why it is there and where it is coming from. And this sense of mystery might make you more attractive to him. But I don’t think the goal is to get your husband to act in a certain way or to see you in a specific way.

I think that the real goal is to feel better about yourself. I think that so long as you are always asking yourself what you want, how you feel, and what is going to help you move forward, the sense of confidence and mystery are just going to naturally happen without your needing to worry about. I think that your real worry is to make yourself your highest priority right now. That small shift is often quite profound and quite noticeable.

Just take this one day at a time.  Start by doing one kind thing for for yourself and one activity that is just for your enjoyment.  Try to do this every single day.  This one shift can start you on a very different path.  You can read more about my journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Not all wives who find out that their husband has been cheating on them want to make things work.  Some know immediately that they can’t move past this.  Others believe that initially, but later decide that not only do they want to maintain their marriage, but they want to get their husband’s undivided attention and fidelity.  In short, they want their husband’s attention away from the other woman and back on them.

This can be easier said than done, however.  Not all husbands immediately agree to end the extramarital relationship.  Or the husband may claim that it is over and the wife might sense that this might not be completely accurate.  To that end, many wives want to know how they can get the other woman out of the husband’s mind once and for all.  They might wonder if it’s possible to use her own strategy against her or to “beat her at her own game.”

A wife might ask a question like this one: “unfortunately, I know the woman who my husband has been cheating on me with very well.  We’re not close friends or anything, but she has lived in our neighborhood for a very long time. And she’s very obvious in the way that she wears revealing clothing and is very flirtatious to every man who shows her the slightest bit of attention.  I am angry at my husband, but I do not want to give up on a marriage in which I invested countless years and effort.  One of my girlfriends told me that I should turn the tables on this hag and ‘beat her at her own game.’  I like the idea of turning the tables on her and I’d love to see her face if this were to happen.  But the problem is that it is not really in my personality to act all fake and promiscuous.  My husband would probably know what I was doing and frankly, if I did this and he rejected me, I would feel just awful about it.  Plus, she does have one advantage in that she has no kids.  It’s easy for her to be carefree when I have the obligation of my children.  How do you compete with that and still beat her at her own game?”

I think that there is a way to turn the tables on the other woman, but you have to be very careful when trying to do this because there are some very common pitfalls just waiting for you to step into them. Below, I’ll talk about avoiding the common mistakes and using the advantages that you have to turn the tables.

Understand That You Have To Be Very Careful Of Making Your Plan Obvious:  This wife already intuitively knew that if she went over the top in trying to change her personality, her husband was going to know that something was up.  This is where this plan often goes wrong.  When a wife who has always been shy and introverted suddenly tries to take on a new persona and act like her perception of the other woman, a husband will usually notice and put two and two together.

I am not saying that you can’t try to be the best version of who you already are or that you can’t be more playful and aggressive.  You can. But you want to do it within the confines of what is going to be genuine to you.  It’s vital that anything that you try can be pulled off with confidence.  If you can’t pull it off, it’s best to wait.  And that’s why it’s best not to stray too far from who you really are.  You can certainly improve your genuine self and put yourself out there.  But don’t pretend or you do yourself a disservice. Because you are wonderful just the way you are.  You don’t need to pretend to be anyone else.

Understand The Mistakes That The Other Woman Is Likely Going To Make:  You’ve already hit on one very obvious advantage that many other women think that they have.  Since they are not your husband’s wife, it is so much easier for them to take the “this relationship is all about fun” approach.  And this can be attractive.  But, it’s going to be hard for her to keep this up indefinitely.  Most people are going to eventually get tired of having to be available for whatever time the husband has left over.  Most other women eventually want more and eventually start to make demands. So this advantage doesn’t last forever – which is why it doesn’t make sense to pretend otherwise.  Your husband knows that you care deeply about your children and he should care deeply also.  So while you may feel that you have to compete here, it’s often not as dire as you think.  Eventually, the other woman will usually make demands. And the ruse of “no strings attached” goes right out the window.

Understand That What You Think Works Against You May Really Be An Advantage:  Many wives think that the length of time that they’ve been with their husbands is a disadvantage.  They feel as if he’s gotten tired of his old marriage.  And while both of you may intuitively realize that some aspects could be spruced up, never underestimate your history.  It means that you know your husband better than most anyone.  It means you know how he thinks and what he needs.  The other woman can’t possibly know him in the way you do because she hasn’t stood beside him for all of these years.  She has barely scratched the surface.  Never forget this.

Controlling What You Can:  Many wives feel that they have to compete with the other woman sexually and they will theorize that they must hang from the chandeliers.  While it never hurts to spice up your sex life, trying to take it too far or doing things that you are not comfortable with means you may have a bad experience which will do more harm than good.

What you want is to establish a deep emotional connection which in turn will give way to physical intimacy.  Because this is what every one is looking for.  People who have affairs often desperately want to think that the other person understands and appreciates them.  Of course, this is built on a stack of cards.  Because the relationship is so new, this really can not exist.

But you can show your spouse that you do understand and appreciate them.  You can listen.  You can be there.  You can be attentive.  But you have to understand that people often have affairs when they feel badly about themselves.  And the only person who can make your husband truly feel better about himself is your husband.

You can, however, set up an atmosphere that facilitates this.  You can try to encourage counseling.  You can listen.  You can offer support as best as you can since you are probably struggling too.  And you can take care of and prioritize yourself.

If your husband sees you having enough respect for yourself to make yourself a priority, then you are sending a very important message.  That you are worthy.  That you count too. Confidence is the most sexy asset a woman has.  I learned this the hard way but I firmly believe it.

Frankly, the best way to beat the other woman at her own game is to strengthen your marriage so that he doesn’t need or want to interact with her.  Focusing on her gives her more power.  But focusing on yourself and on your marriage takes that power away.

There were some things that I did to reestablish my personal and sexual confidence.  But ultimately, I came to realize that in order to truly be confident, I had to be myself.  Pretending to be someone else rarely works.  I had to give the best of myself to me first and then I was able to offer it my husband once we healed. There’s more of the story blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s normal to watch your spouse very closely when they have already cheated on you once. It would be silly not to watch and to just assume that everything is fine. Unfortunately, many of us become hyper-vigilant – so much so that many of us see cheating where none exists. And sometimes, this leads you to accuse your spouse of cheating when in fact he isn’t.

A wife might say: “the pain that I felt over my husband’s affair is indescribable. Honestly, I really considered divorcing my husband over his affair. I just didn’t know that I could ever trust him again.  I doubted if I would ever want to.  But he begged me to give him a chance to prove to me that we could make it work. He agreed to counseling and we did go for a while, but once I felt we made progress, we eventually stopped. I found the counseling painful. But I am glad we did it. For a while, I felt that we would make it. We had overcome so much. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed my husband talking on the phone in the bedroom with the door closed. Of course, this immediately worried me. I was sure that he was cheating again. I didn’t say anything at first because I hoped that it was an isolated incident and innocent. But it went on and on. Once I couldn’t take it anymore, I barged in and started yelling at him. He told the person on the phone that he would call them back. Then he frustratingly told me that he was on the phone with his boss and that I could check his call logs. He said they’ve been dealing with a difficult issue at work. Well, I did check his call log and I googled the number and that number is indeed listed for his boss. Now, I feel awful that I doubted him and that I didn’t just ask in the beginning instead of barging in. Plus, I’m embarrassed at the thought of ever facing his boss again. Is is always going to be like this?”

You Don’t Have To Apologize For Feelings That Are Normal And Understandable: It doesn’t have to always be that way. As you said, you can vow to ask when things bother you. And you can be careful of your tone when you ask. But quite frankly, I don’t think there is any reason to be so hard on yourself. Your suspicions are normal. I think that most wives go through this during recovery. And your husband should almost expect it. Because it’s just the cost of having an affair.

Now, as time goes by and your husband proves himself trustworthy, I would suspect that your suspicions are going to wane and you are not going to have nearly as many – if any – dramatic reactions like this. But, things are still fresh.

Offering Clarification: If it’s bothering you, then you can certainly address it with him by trying something like: “I’m sorry I barged into your conversation with your boss. I wish you would have explained who were talking to in the beginning. Because you have to understand that when it appears that you are doing something in secret, I’m going to be concerned. It’s just normal for me to not want to be shocked and hurt like I was the last time. Yes, I should have asked you if I had concerns. But it would make things easier if you didn’t have closed door conversations or, if you need to have them, then explain what they are so that I don’t have to worry. This is just going to need to be part of the process until we completely restore the trust.”

A man who is accountable and who is taking responsibility for his affair will ultimately understand this, even if he is understandably frustrated with how this has turned out. Because it was his actions that contributed to your thought process.

I know this is a discouraging situation. But things like this can sometimes happen and the way to move past it is to explain, come to a resolution, and then move on in such a way that hopefully it doesn’t happen again. Every time these things come up and you and your spouse are able to come to a healthy resolution, you get stronger.

The key is to communicate and don’t just allow the anger, the lack of trust, and the misunderstanding to stop your progress. Keep talking. Keep explaining and negotiating so that you are both comfortable. You can’t expect for the recovery process to always be smooth sailing. But navigating the choppy waters strengthens you.

Eventually, you might come to a place where you decide that you will trust your husband until he gives you a reason not to. But, if you are not at this place yet, there is no need to apologize for that. Just explain why he got the reaction that he did, make a better plan for the future, and move on. As you get stronger and stronger, these incidents will become less.

I had these type of incidents in my recovery also.  But you just have to move past them, know that there may be more in the future, and learn. Each time we were able to recover, we had more confidence the next time.  It got easier and easier over time. You can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on I Regret Accusing My Husband Of Cheating. But He Has Cheated Before

By: Katie Lersch: Whether or not to stay together after your husband has an affair is a decision that almost no one takes lightly. Knowing that your spouse has cheated on you makes you doubt the very foundation of your marriage. It makes you doubt that you will ever be happy with and confident in your marriage again. And for some, this is all the information needed in order to determine that they probably want to walk away from their marriage. But this decision is not so easy when there are children. Because if you are childless, then your decisions only affects yourself. Often, you are prepared to live with whatever decision you make. But when you have children, you know that they too are going to have to live with your decisions. And it is a very difficult decision when you have to decide whether or not you want to take your children’s full time nuclear family away from them. And that is why many people will entertain the thought of staying in their marriage even after cheating and even if the other person is still involved. The kids change everything.

A wife might explain it this way: “my husband is very honest about how he feels about the other woman. He doesn’t even try to hide this from me. When my best friend’s husband cheated, he tried to downplay his feelings for the other woman, saying it meant nothing to him. Well, my husband is just the opposite. It is quite clear that this woman means absolutely everything to him. He hasn’t even alluded to the fact that he would give her up. In fact, I’m quite sure that he has no intention whatsoever of giving her up. However, he announced that he was going to stay with me because of the kids. We both agree that we never want our children to grow up in a single parent household. He knows this. He knows that I would do just about anything to ensure that my children do not grow up without their father in the way that I did. So while I’m relieved that my kids will have their family, I still feel like I’m getting an unfair deal. Because he’s asking me to accept a marriage where he keeps the other woman. I am not sure that I will be able to do this.”

I am not sure that I would be able to be at peace with this arrangement either. I’m pretty certain that most women would feel exactly the same way that you are feeling. He’s asking you to accept much less than you deserve. And he’s assuming that you don’t have a choice in this matter because of the kids.

I absolutely agree with you that having a two parent household is the gold standard for children. In fact, my own kids was one of the deciding factors in my decision to stay with my own husband. I applaud both of you for making this a priority as not all parents even consider the children when making this decision.

But I am not sure that growing up in a household where there is openly infidelity is a great for the kids either. It’s pretty safe to assume that if the arrangement continues on, your marriage is going to be negatively affected. There is going to be awkwardness and resentment and no real union. Your kids are likely to pick up on this. So, I would think that it would be important for your husband to understand that he’s fooling himself if he thinks he can continue on with the affair and have it not affect his children, as long as he doesn’t leave the home and remains married to their mother.

And I would suggest trying to make him understand this. I’d try a conversation like: “I am relieved to hear that you are putting the kids first. I agree that it is very important for their well being to weigh heavily into any decision we make. But, limping along in a marriage that isn’t committed because one parent is with someone else isn’t the ideal situation either. It isn’t fair to me and it isn’t fair to them. I can’t commit to a marriage in which my spouse isn’t fully faithful. I just can’t. It’s clear that you are not ready to give up the other woman. Until that time comes, I don’t think that we can really do anything with our marriage. I can’t work on it in good faith until I know that there isn’t any one else. When that time comes, please let me know. Otherwise, I suppose we will just continue on because of the kids. But please don’t think that this is a marriage. Because it’s not. I may reevaluate what I want in time because I don’t know if I’ll want to remain in a marriage where my husband won’t commit to being faithful. I’d be more than willing to go to counseling in order to work through this and I hope that you would be also.”

I’d like to bring up one final point. No one has thought about the possibility that the other woman isn’t going to be satisfied being with a married man indefinitely. It seems that the husband thinks that he will just stay married and continue on with the affair. It would be rare for the other woman to accept this arrangement for the long term. Most of the time, she is hoping that the husband is going to leave his wife and be with her. If he has no intention of doing this, then she may solve at least one of your problems by being the one to end the affair.

Try to remember that you do have choices. You don’t have to just accept what he offers you without negotiating it. And I’d suspect that if you go to counseling, the counselor will make it clear to him that the arrangement that he has in mind just isn’t fair or feasible.

I know that you probably feel like you have very little control right now.  You may feel that you just have to watch and wait to see what will happen with their relationship.  But you can control yourself.  You can control the environment that your children live in, at least as far as you are concerned.   When I felt like I was stuck or in flux because of my husband’s affair, I tried to turn the attention back to myself.  And this helped a great deal.    You can read about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on My Cheating Husband Says He Loves The Other Woman But Is Staying With Me Because Of The Kids

By: Katie Lersch: Many people assume that as soon as someone finds out that their spouse is cheating, they will immediately seek out their spouse for a nasty confrontation.  After all, isn’t an affair bad news that just can’t wait?

Believe it or not, some people chose to bide their time and wait for a confrontation.  One reason for this is that they want to gather more information.  And another reason is that they don’t want to have a huge argument with their spouse just yet.  They are still watching and waiting, trying to gauge what they might expect when the confrontation finally does happen.

Sometimes though, when they are gathering this information, the affair ends on its own.  At that point, it can be unclear as to what to do when your whole intention in the beginning was to stop the affair.  Do you still proceed to confront him or is there not any point?

It might be expressed this way: “I’ve known for the past four weeks that my husband was having an affair.  I was able to guess his email password.  So I’ve been reading tons of emails between them.  I was basically just reading this stuff like a novel.  So many times, I wanted to confront my husband.  But I stopped myself.  And I think that the reason is that I wanted to see how it would just naturally play out.   Well, a couple of days ago, I was reading the email and his words indicated that he was breaking off the affair.  He said in the email that he just feels too guilty and that he knows that he was wrong. He told her that he still loves me and that he is going to make his marriage work.  Well, now I am at a loss.  This is the best that I could hope for.  What I wanted all along was him to break it off and save our marriage.  And now he’s saying that he is going to do that.  So now I don’t know if I should still confront him.”

I know that this is very confusing.  But I can’t imagine that it would be easy to pretend that you are in the dark when you are not.  Sure, you may be able to pull it off for a little while.  But I would suspect that it would heavily grate at you after a while.

And while having your husband break it off on his own is a very good development, it doesn’t give you everything that you need.  Although the affair is over, if you don’t discuss this with him, you will still have a missing piece of the puzzle.  You won’t have addressed what might have lead to his affair so that you can fix it. A man rarely has an affair just for the heck of it.  He is trying to fill a void.  And sometimes, this doesn’t even have anything to do with his marriage.  But it has everything to do with him.  If he doesn’t address that vulnerability, then he is much more likely to cheat again.  And no one wants that.

I can understand waiting for the right time to have the conversation.  I can even understand delaying it, but I would think that you would want to have the conversation.  Because if you don’t, it’s just going to fester and grow a distance between you.  It becomes the huge elephant in the room that keeps getting bigger and bigger while your relationship keeps getting smaller and smaller.

You might start by asking him if he has anything to tell you so that you both can avoid a very awkward and unpleasant conversation that you’ll have to initiate  Frankly, this might be all that is needed. He may know exactly what you mean and come clean. If he declines to do that, you might tell him that this is his last chance and that he will avoid a lot of unpleasantness by telling the truth.

If he still won’t do the right thing, you may have to try something like: “I felt that something was going on.  I noticed some changes I couldn’t ignore. So I looked on your email.  I know about the affair. I am glad that you broke it off on your own and I give you credit for that.  I am glad you want to save our marriage because I want that too. But, in order to do that, we are going to have to deal with the fact that you cheated on me.  We need to understand why this happened and we have to make it that it won’t happen again.”

Your tone can be important here.  If you don’t want a huge, escalating argument, then keep your tone matter of fact and don’t raise your voice.  Chose your words to make sure you are focusing on where you want to go from here rather than dwelling in the past.  Make it clear that you are bringing this up so that the healing can begin.

This is just my own opinion, but I think that not bringing it up ensures that your husband really doesn’t have to deal with his actions.  He should deal with his actions so that he doesn’t repeat them.  If you want or need to, you can do it in such a way as to lesson the impact, but I can’t imagine that it would be healthy not to have the conversation.

People often assume confrontations had to be nasty conversations that explode between you.  This doesn’t always have to be the case.  You can remain calm and focus more on the future than the past.  You’re welcome to read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on My Spouse Broke Off The Affair Before I Could Confront Him. Should I Still Confront Him?

By: Katie Lersch: It’s normal for the faithful spouse to watch the cheating spouse’s behavior very closely as the couple struggles to pick up the pieces after an affair. Very often, the faithful spouse wants to see a good deal of remorse. They want to know, without any doubt, that their spouse is sorry for what they have done. So sorry in fact, that they aren’t going to do it again.

Sometimes though, this can be taken just a bit too far. Sometimes, it seems as though the cheating spouse goes beyond remorse and is in fact punishing themselves for their behavior. A wife might explain it this way. “I am not going to say that my husband should not be sorry for cheating on me. He should. He cheated on me when I was ill and therefore vulnerable. I wasn’t observant at that time because I had my own problems to deal with. But this didn’t give him a pass to go out and cheat. When I caught him, he was very sorry and suddenly he became the husband who never wanted to leave my side. At first this was reassuring. But lately, his behavior has become a little troubling. He never wants to leave me alone. I’m sure he thinks that if he leaves the house, I am going to suspect him of cheating again. But it gets a little oppressive after a while. My husband is someone who doesn’t like to sit still. He’s the kind of guy who always wants to be doing something. He used to golf regularly. He used to hit the gym. He doesn’t do anything now. He wants to stay home with me and watch TV. And frankly, he seems miserable doing this. He’s anxious and he seems down. And I think part of it is not having his outlets anymore. Of course, I want to know where he is and I want him to check in. But I don’t expect him to be chained to me as long as he is acting trustworthy. And quite frankly, it’s sort of a turnoff when he hovers. The other day, I suggested we go out to our favorite restaurant and my husband replied that he did not deserve that kind of meal. It seems to me that he’s punishing himself for his affair. Don’t get me wrong. I want him to feel badly about it. But I don’t want for him to feel that he can’t get any enjoyment out of life. Because that would mean that I wouldn’t have as much enjoyment out of life.”

I think that you are right to be concerned about this. I’d like to mention something that you might not have considered. Do you think that your husband could be depressed? I can’t possibly know if he is. You would be in a better position to evaluate this and a therapist would be in the best position of all.

But, not wanting to partake in enjoyable activities is a sign of depression. And, it’s my experience and opinion that sometimes, people who are depressed have affairs when this is behavior that isn’t otherwise typical of them. It is just something to think about. I mention it because if it is true, then you can try any number of things, but if he is still depressed and not getting help for it, then you are really limited to what you’re going to be able to do.

With all of this said, you can try to address this issue. You might try something like: “I can’t help but notice that you are denying yourself enjoyable activities like golfing and eating out at your favorite places. I don’t want for you to feel like you have to do this. It doesn’t make me feel better to see you feeling bad. Yes, I want you to feel remorse. And yes, I don’t want you to be having the time or your life while I am hurting. And I do want to know that you are where you are supposed to be. But part of our recovery is going to be enjoying things together that we can share. If you are punishing yourself, that almost means that you are punishing me. And I don’t want that. I want to be able to go to our favorite restaurants and enjoy that. Perhaps I am reading this all wrong and if I am, please correct me. I’d like to hear about how you feel about all of this. But it’s not like you to skip the gym and golf.”

Listen to what he has to say. He may tell you that he only wanting to stay close to you for a little while longer in order to give you reassurance. Or he may be relieved that you are OK with him resuming his activities. If this discussion doesn’t help, I don’t think it’s out of line to explore the depression angle. Of course, none of this excuses cheating. But having two emotionally healthy spouses makes recovery so much easier.

I think that you are absolutely right to observe him closely during recovery.  Additional issues often pop up when people are feeling most vulnerable.  You can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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