Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have made the decision to stay with their husband after he has had an affair. Many of these wives  have doubts as to whether or not this is a sound decision. They worry if their spouse is worth their trust in him. They worry that although he’s claiming that he is going to change, he won’t be able to actually do this.

A wife might explain it this way: “my husband has never cheated on me for all of our thirty year marriage. However, last month, I found out that he has been cheating on me with a woman who works at a bar he has started going to. The thing is, my husband is a huge flirt. He is a touchy feely type of person. And this has never really gotten him into trouble before because quite frankly, women were never all that interested in him. But recently, my husband came into some money and every one in town knows about this. So now of course, women are more likely to have an interest in him. The thing is, my husband has been this way all of his life – even as a child. His mother and brothers act exactly the same way. They are just outgoing people who love connecting with others.  They expect the best of people.  They are somewhat naive, I suppose.  Of course, people can take this the wrong way and think there is an interest when really, my husband is just being polite. I’m afraid that women are going to start approaching him because of his personality. I’m not saying that my husband has any bad intention with his personality, especially since this is the way he has always been. But, I think that women looking for money might use his personality to approach him. And I have told my husband as much. I have some hesitation of trying to save our marriage when I am worried we are going to keep going through this again and again. My husband says he can and will change. He says that he won’t be as friendly anymore. He says he won’t approach people that he doesn’t know well and he will be on his guard with every one. I really want to believe this. But that would require my husband to change who he is. That would require for him to change his entire personality, at least when it relates to people. Is this even possible? Can a person change his personality to keep from cheating again?”

I believe that this is somewhat possible and I will tell you why. To a certain extent, we all know someone who has implemented changes in their life due them seeing a risk in their current habits.  We’ve all seen people change their marriages, their health, and their bad habits when that thing seemed to be at risk.

For example, my mother was a smoker for almost thirty years. For the past decade, her health has been bad. Various doctors have worked with her to help her quit smoking. Nothing worked. She would quit for only a short period of time and then be right back at it, even though she knew this was significantly shortening her life span. My mother has the type of personality where she needs her crutches. Frankly, myself and the rest of my family had given up hope that my mother would ever change.

Well, one winter my mother came down with a severe case of pneumonia. Breathing become very difficult for her and this was made worse because of the shape of her smoker’s lungs. It upset my children to see her that way and to see her struggling for breathe.  In fact, for some time, we didn’t know if she would ever recover.

Well, she did recover. And once she did, she hasn’t had another cigarette – ever. Experiencing the sensation of not being able to breathe and being faced with the possibility of losing her life was the motivation my mother needed to stop a life long bad habit.

Many of us have known people who were horrible eaters and who didn’t exercise who had a health crisis and then completely changed their lifestyle. This isn’t uncommon. In essence, there is a stimulus that “scares them straight.”

I certainly think that is possible in this case. Many people change the way that they approach their marriage after an affair. Once there is the threat that the marriage might be taken away, they take much better care to not take it for granted and to treat it well.

I think it’s completely possible that the fear of losing you and the marriage could be in the back of your husband’s mind as he interacts with others. Granted, he may still have the urge to connect with others. And really, there isn’t anything wrong with this, especially since it has always been his personality. But, what has changed is that he must now become more aware of how his personality might get him into trouble and put him at risk. That is the real difference.

He’s not likely to change who he is. But he might become more aware of the consequences for how he approaches and reacts to other people. And he must become aware of how to back away when he senses that a line might be crossed. Because that truly is the difference. There are plenty of friendly and outgoing men out there (even those who have money) that don’t cheat. And the reason is that they’ve learned how to remove themselves from a situation that they know is inappropriate as soon as it crosses the line.

To me, this is at least as important (if not more so) than a person’s core personality.  I was critical of some aspects of my husband’s personality after his affair.  But after a while, I realized that, ultimately, I loved who my husband was.  And what I really wanted to change was his ability to read a situation before that situation got so far out of hand that it was too late.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: People often ask me if they will ever be able to truly love their spouse again after an affair has rocked their marriage. It is my belief that with a good healing system and a willingness to have an open mind, the love can return to many marriages. This isn’t a good enough answer to many though. Many want to know if they will love their spouses as much or in the same way that they used to.

A wife might express it this way: “when my husband told me about his affair, he said that he assumed that I was going to leave him because he assumed that our marriage could never recover. I told him that many marriages are able to make it and that I thought it was a possibility that our marriage could make it too if we were willing to work hard. My husband’s answer to this was that he doesn’t think that I will ever be able to love him like I used to, before the affair. I don’t know how to answer this question because I fear that he might be right. But I don’t want to discourage and punish him by telling him this. I am willing to stay in my marriage with the knowledge that I won’t love him in the exact same way but I might love him a new way and I am committed enough because of my kids to see it through anyway. But I’m not sure how encouraging it would be to him to hear me say this. How should I respond to him asking him me if I can ever love him in the same way again?”

I’ll try to answer that question in depth in just one second, but before I do, I have to tell you that I am not sure that you can just assume how you are going to feel in the future. Even after our marriage was fully tested by infidelity I can tell you that years later, my love for my husband remains and it is just as strong. Does that mean I don’t ever think about the affair or that the hurt just magically went away? Certainly not. You can’t erase the past. But quite honestly, over the life of any marriage, there are going to be countless things that test your marriage. There might be money issues or job losses. You might have different personalities or one of you might become ill. You may struggle with these things. Some of them may test your marriage or change it for the worse. But none of these things need to erase your love for your spouse in the long term, especially if you pull together out of the commitment that you have for one another based on that same love.

Do you look at your spouse differently after an affair? Yes, you certainly can. But this doesn’t mean that you can’t still love him or love him again eventually and with time and with healing.

This is only a suggestion, but in your situation I might try something like: “it’s impossible for me to know how I might feel in the future and before we have even attempted to work on our marriage. But I would suspect that if we work really hard and if we restore the trust, heal, and restore the intimacy, I might love you in the same way or even more. I’ve heard of couples having an even stronger marriage after they worked to get through the affair. I can’t rule that out. But I would think that we would both have to work very hard in order to make this happen. I don’t think that we can expect for it to just magically happen without our working for it and without us doing to the work to heal. I’m certainly willing to work toward that if you are. And I am open to any outcomes. But it’s impossible for me to tell you how I might feel. With this said, I’d expect good feelings to be the product of good healing. And if that’s so, I can’t imagine not loving you, assuming we are successful in our healing. But it is going to require effort from you.”

Notice that you haven’t made any specific promise but you’ve set the groundwork that good efforts on his part might result in good feelings on yours. This isn’t making false promises in my opinion. Because I know first hand that when you are both willing to put in the time and the work, then there is no reason that you won’t have a good result in the end.

As I said, I love my husband today very much.  I can’t tell you that it’s as if the affair never happened.  You can’t erase it.  But the healing process can actually strengthen your marriage in time.  And that strengthening can bring about very strong loving feelings. You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Women whose husbands are having an affair sometimes reach out to me. Some of these women are considering confronting or meeting with “the other woman” and are trying to get a handle on this woman’s thought process. Many wonder if she thinks she is in love with the husband or truly believes that she has a future with him.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I am sure that I will be more furious with my husband when my mind has time to process this, but right now, I am in survival mode. I want to clean up the mess. I want to protect my family. The other woman is barely a woman, at least in my opinion. She’s quite young and it seems to me that she’s very idealistic about my husband. I have found notes to him from her and she literally dots her i’s with hearts. She talks about how she can not wait to be with him. The thing is, this woman knows my family. Her younger brother used to be friends with my son. She has been at our home. She knows that we have younger children. She knows that my husband prioritizes his family. But I guess she forgot all that or she thinks that the rules do not apply to her. When I confronted my husband about the affair, he told me that he would end it immediately but he was reluctant to talk to the woman face to face because he knew that she was going to be upset. So I told him that I would break it off. I am going to have my husband ask her to meet him and then I am going to show up in his place. I’m going to tell her it’s over. But I’m wondering what type of reaction I’m going to get. Does the other woman often think that she’s going to get the husband away from his wife? Because if that’s what she thinks, I want to make it perfectly clear that this is never going to happen.”

I can’t tell you that every “other woman” feels one way or another. It’s true that sometimes, she most definitely wants to be with the other man forever. If this means that she has to take him away from his wife and children, so be it. But, she thinks that she is in love with him and she’s not going to let a little thing like marriage stand in her way. Her ultimate goal is to get him to be married to her eventually. And by default, this means that she must take him away from his wife.  This doesn’t apply to “every one” though.  This is a generality which isn’t always true. Some of these women just want a relationship with no strings attached. Some are married themselves and they don’t want another serious relationship.

Here’s the thing, though. Regardless of which category this woman falls into, she can’t be with him or “take him away” from you, his wife, if your husband ends the relationship. In other words, she can’t take him away without his permission. And if he’s ending it, your biggest concern should be your healing as a couple moving forward. Once the affair ends, the attention should turn away from her, at least in my experience and opinion. Her wishes or intentions no longer matter.

Speaking of ending the affair, I never advocate the wife confronting the other woman and I certainly don’t advocate the wife being the one to end the affair. First of all, the other woman will have her doubts that the husband is sincere or if this is his wishes if he is not the one to tell her. The husband could simply call her and make it very brief if he had concerns about her reaction.

But the wife confronting the other woman is almost always a disaster and it often creates bigger problems than it solves. Many wives think that it is going to give them closure or it is going to allow them to put the other woman in her place. Often, the opposite happens. The other woman is rarely nice about this and she will often try to upset you by telling you imitate details about your husband or upsetting details about the affair. Really, very little good can come out of this. And it’s usually only going to delay your healing and upset you even more.  I’d strongly urge you to reconsider.  I have never seen a scenario like this one go well or give you what you want.

You don’t want for her to have any more contact with your family or any of its members, including yourself. So at least in my opinion, your best bet would be for your husband to end it with a very short conversation, possibly by phone, where your husband directly tells her that he is ending the affair because he is married. Whether her ultimate goal was to take him away doesn’t matter because he’s made that impossible. He has made his choice.

I understand wanting to understand the other woman’s thought process and motivations.  But honestly, if your husband ends the affair and the two of you move forward in healing your marriage, then her motivations won’t affect or concern you.  It’s best to place the focus on yourself at that point.  You’re welcome to read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very common to feel very confused about your feelings when you find out that your spouse has had an affair.  On the one hand, you’re often so angry that you could do bodily harm to someone.  You’re so shocked, that you feel as if you need a second just to catch your breath.  And you’re so sad that it almost feels as if there has been a death of something very important to you.

But even despite all of our anger and other negative feelings, sometimes, in very rare and unguarded moments, we feel let down and disappointed.  And we feel this way because we are mourning the marriage and the love that we fear might be lost.  We are doing this because, despite our negative feelings, we can’t just stop loving our spouse in an instant.

Understandably though, it’s far easier to focus on the anger or hate than it is on the love.  And it’s normal to question if (or how) you can still love your spouse.  A wife might wonder if she could ever still love her spouse when it’s so easy to focus on the negativity that she is feeling.  She might ask a question like this one: “right now, I am certain that I feel nothing but hate for my husband. I can honestly say that I’m pretty sure that I loathe him.  I feel that he’s a liar with no integrity.  He acted like he loved me and that we were in a happy marriage and he was having an affair the whole time.  I told him that I didn’t want him in my sight and he is staying with friends.  And yet, I am sort of miserable here without him.  My mother says that I would not be this angry and this miserable if I did not somewhere, deep in my heart, still love him.  Could this possibly be true?  Because I don’t think that I’m stupid enough to love someone who cheated on me.  And, even if I did, how would I know? How could I see or feel the love in the midst of all of the hatred that I feel?”

What you are going through is absolutely normal. And it’s no wonder that you are having trouble sorting out your feelings when there are so many DIFFERENT types of feelings presenting themselves.

I remember that in the weeks following my husband’s affair, I could feel anger, self pity, indignance, and a wish to fight for my marriage all over the course of about five minutes.  I never knew how to react to these feelings.  At times I would lash out at my husband and I would push him away.  But then there were those rare occasions when I would want his reassurance and I would desperately want for him to chase me.

How do you know which of the feelings are real?  Honestly, I think that they are all real.  They are all presenting themselves to you because they are what you are feeling at this particular time.  I think that the more important question is which one of these feelings are you going to act on?

Frankly, I think that your mother is could possibly be right – at least partly.  I think that the strong feelings are in part occurring because you are invested in this man and in this marriage. This is understandable if you think about it.  The love doesn’t just stop because someone has disappointed us.  Sure, you may choose to turn away from that love.  You have every right to do that.  But this doesn’t mean that you don’t feel the love.  You can’t just turn it off like water from a faucet.

I think that your real question is how you will know if you want to act on that love or if you want to turn away from the love and your marriage.  Having gone through this, it’s my opinion that you often do not know this immediately.  You have to sit back and watch how your husband is acting and how much effort he is making in order to help you heal.  You also have to ask yourself whether or not, assuming that he does everything that he needs to do, you’re going to be willing to try to fight for your marriage despite what your husband has done.

Not everyone is willing to do this. Some wives fully know that they still love their husbands, but they can not get past the affair.  And some wives feel that this same love is worth fighting for.

I can share when my feelings of love for my husband started to count more for me than my feelings of anger.  At some point during our recovery, I noticed that I started to feel empty from my anger rather than energized from it.  When I first found out about my husband’s affair, I let that energy feed me.  It sustained me because I was not open to anything else.

After a while though, that energy was draining. Sometimes, I would say unkind things to my husband out of that anger and then I would look at the lost expression on his face and I would realize that he was hurting too.  And I would look at my husband and I would realize that ultimately, we were in this together. And I’d remember all of the kind and loving things he’d done for me.  And I decided that I was not going to make a decision about my marriage based on ONE mistake when there were COUNTLESS wonderful and good things that I could base my decision on.

I knew that I loved my husband despite all of this when I made a conscious decision to put the energy back into love rather than into hate. You can read more about that on my surviving the affair blog.

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By: Katie Lersch:  I am confident in saying that in most situations, people perceive the faithful spouse as the victim – at least whenever there is cheating is involved in a marriage.  Admittedly, there will always be that minority of people who think that the wife must not have been loving or sexy enough to keep her man happy.  But, I chose to believe that most people don’t truly have these thoughts.  Most people realize that the spouse who cheats is the spouse at fault.  Because most people realize that even in struggling marriages, cheating is a conscious choice.  And it is the wrong choice.

That is why it can be so perplexing when the cheating spouse attempts to act like the victim.  This is often an attempt to elicit pity.  Or it is done in the hopes that it will make the faithful spouse a little more understanding.  But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t frustrating.

A wife might say: “my husband seemed very remorseful on the day that I caught him cheating.  He was crying and carrying on, and begging me not to leave him.  Well, two days later, that has all changed.  Now he is muttering phrases like: ‘I’m tired of you women manipulating me.  Women get to do whatever they want to a man and then when things go wrong, it is the man who is blamed.  The other woman flirted with me and told me that she didn’t want anything lasting, but of course she did.  Then when I tried to break it off with her, she became clingy and pretty much blackmailed me.  And then when you found out about the affair, you acted as if we had a wonderful marriage that was above reproach.  You acted all shocked and as if you gave me everything that I needed when you know that you didn’t.  But yet I am still the bad guy regardless.’  It is almost as if he believes that he is the one who got the raw end of the deal, as if he is the victim.  It honestly makes me sick.  How can I make him see that he is most certainly NOT the victim?”

Understanding How He REALLY Feels: I am not sure if your husband truly believes that he is the victim.  Men caught cheating often have a couple of days where they are feeling sorry for themselves (for getting caught) and they are kind of wallowing in self pity.  Very often, they have an affair at a time when they are already struggling.  They may not realize that they had the affair hoping to feel better about themselves, but this is often the reality of it.  So when everything backfires and they actually end up feeling worse about themselves, they can feel a great sense of loss and disappointment. This is real, in my opinion.  They are not pretending.

So while it may look an awful lot like self pity or playing the victim, the disappointed feelings may feel quite real to your husband.  He may or may not be looking for sympathy or understanding.  But you get to decide how you are going to receive this behavior.

Because frankly, this often comes down to one awful, unfortunate choice.  All of us deal with periods in our lives where we are let down and disappointed.  But when this happens, we can chose to deal with it positively or negatively.

Your husband made the negative choice and this will potentially hurt people that he loves.  Regardless of why he did this, he must take responsibility for this choice.  This is what most people who cheat do not understand initially.  You may feel pity or empathy for what they were going through, but their choice makes you feel anger and disappointment that is going to outweigh or cut into any pity that you might feel.

How You Feel Is Just As Important: There is nothing wrong with letting him know that you don’t intend to treat him like a victim and that regardless of how let down he feels, this doesn’t negate the choices that he has made.

There is nothing wrong with attempting to spell this out for him.  If he knows where you stand, he may realize that taking the road he’s on is not going to do him any good.  You might try: “what I am hearing is that you seem to perceive yourself as the victim in all of this.  But what you don’t seem to appreciate is that, regardless of the circumstances, you made a choice to betray me, to break our marriage vows, and then to lie about it.  And you need to take responsibility for that.  I realize that I will have to take responsibility for what might have been lacking on my end of the marriage.  I will eventually be prepared to look at that honestly, but I expect you to be prepared to look at the choices that you willingly made.  You might see yourself as the victim and I can’t change that, but I can tell you that if you want to make any leeway with our marriage, I expect you take responsibility for your choices and actions and I will do the same.”

Many men eventually lay off of their victim strategy.  They come to see that it is not working anyway.  And they also come to see that it may not matter all of that much.  The past is just that. And now the future must be dealt with.  A person may have his reasons for the choices that he has made.  But ultimately, he must live with them.  And tomorrow is what matters.  Debating who is the victim isn’t very productive.  What is productive is moving forward from here.

I think that to a certain extent, both my husband and I were lobbying for the staring role of the victim at the same time.  And it only made things worse.  What helped was both of us deciding to act like the adults that we were and deciding how (or if) to move on with our marriage. There’s more about this process on my blog at  http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are confused as to why a married man would suddenly come out and admit everything about an affair when this wasn’t necessary. Often, the wife doesn’t suspect anything. But for whatever reason, he feels the need to confess anyway. I often hear from both wives and “other women” with this question.

From the other woman I might hear something like: “what makes the affair so awful is that I know his wife. We are friends. We’re not best friends or even close friends. But we were friendly. I did always feel guilty about the affair, but this didn’t mean that I wanted for it to end. I am not going to say that I was thinking about marriage with this man. But I was thinking about a long term relationship. Things were going very well between us. I felt very close to him. He showed no reservations or signs of guilt. And then out of the blue, he called me and told me that he confessed everything to his wife. While we were on the phone, there was a banging on my door. It was his wife – coming over to confront me and to demand answers. Now, I’m constantly getting nasty calls, texts, and emails from this angry wife. Why in the world would he have told her?”

From the wife, I might hear something like: “seemingly out of no where, my husband confessed an affair with one of my friends. I was stunned for many reasons but mostly, I was so surprised because our marriage was actually going well. I didn’t suspect that anything was wrong. In fact, my husband and I were looking to buy a new home. Who thinks about the future in this way while they are having an affair? He says he wanted to tell me because he respects me too much to continue to keep this from me. I am wondering if he told me to hurt me but I don’t know why he’d do this. I haven’t done anything to make him want to hurt me. Why would he confess to me when he didn’t have to?”

I have my theories as to why a husband will suddenly confess. This theory is only based on my opinion that has been formed by own situation, from my research, and by hearing from others in the same situation. But here are some reasons that I believe that men confess:

He Feels Guilty And The Guilt Is Motivating Him More Than His Desire To Keep The Affair Going: People often assume that once a spouse is able to overcome the guilt of cheating, then he’s overcome his reservations and he won’t revisit the issue again. This isn’t true. The lies accumulate and so does the guilt. He starts to feel horrible every time he looks into his wife’s trusting eyes and realizes that he is continuing to betray her. So he realizes that none of this is worth it. And so he tells the truth because he knows that it is the right thing to do and he is hoping to get some relief from the guilt.

This His Way Of Ending The Affair Because He Wants Out: Some men hesitate to be honest with the other women when they want to end the affair. So they figure if they tell their wife, then it will be obvious to every one that he has no choice but to break things off.

He May Indeed Respect His Wife Enough To Quit Lying: The wife assumed that the whole “I respect you too much” excuse was only posturing. But in truth, he could be being completely upfront about this. Once the novelty of the affair wears off, men do come to realize that their spouse does not deserve this type of treatment and disrespect. And, even if they have lied in the past, the want to break that habit immediately – even if doing so might mean a lot of trouble for them.

They Want Their Marriage And They Realize That Coming Clean Is The First Step: People often assume that men who cheat are no longer invested in their marriages. This isn’t always true either. Many men who cheat will tell you that they still adore their wives and they still very much want their marriages. When they realize how much they have put this whole process into jeopardy, the first step to remedying this is to start telling the truth. Often, once the decision to confess is made, there is no need to delay. So he comes right out with it even if it is an abrupt decision.

Talking about the affair is never easy.  But the husband is right in thinking that honesty is the best thing.  There may be hard times ahead and things that you will need to work through.  But telling the truth is always better than continuing to lie and continuing to betray.

It would matter to me if my husband took the initiative to confess.  Yes, hearing the confession would hurt.  But a painful truth is better than a comfortable lie.   If it helps, you can read more about how I navigated my own husband’s affair my on blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I wish I could tell you that all of the wives that I hear from have remorseful husbands who are willing to go to counseling to heal from the affair. That would be ideal. And honestly, that’s what most wives are hoping for.

Unfortunately, the reality is that I hear from a lot of wives who have husbands who either do not appear to feel any remorse or who are openly claiming that they feel not only no remorse, but also justification.

Almost unanimously, it is hard for wives to understand this. I find it much more rare to hear from women who cheat and do not feel guilty. Although women will often offer excuses like: “but the other man understood and appreciated me,” they are less likely to just flat out deny that their behavior was wrong.

And that is why women are often baffled at how to deal with a man who is not showing remorse. They do not understand this thought process. I think that part of this is because, as caregivers, women just naturally feel more empathy. Even if a woman understands why she cheated, she often still recognizes that she has hurt someone else and she feels badly about this.

So when a wife is faced with a husband who is claiming to feel no guilt, she can find this very hard to grasp. She wonders if she is dealing with a narcissist or someone with no conscience at all. She might say: “I honestly, waited a month before I confronted my husband about his cheating. I thought that I was going to get this awful, dramatic response where either he was overcome with anger or overcome with sadness. I honestly waited until I could not take it anymore and then I blurted out: ‘I know that you’ve been cheating on me.’ My husband didn’t miss a beat and immediately said. ‘I don’t deny it. I have been cheating. But I also have my reasons. You know our marriage wasn’t great and so you can’t really blame me. I accept that you will do whatever you need to do.’ He never offered to try to make this better. He never apologized. He just matter-of-factly explained things to me and then acted as if he could care less how I responded. There have been times when I have broken down and said something like: ‘and you’re telling me that you don’t feel bad about this?’ and then he will mutter things like all men cheat eventually and he had his reasons. I am starting to think that my husband is a narcissist. Because why else would he feel no empathy and remorse?”

First of all, I have to tell you that what you are dealing with is not rare. But it may also not be genuine. Many men will PRETEND that they do not feel guilt and remorse when in fact they are TRYING not to pretend guilt or they are POSTURING as if they do not feel guilt as part of a strategy in order to get you to back down.

Yes, by definition, narcissist are focused only on themselves. They are self centered. They do not care about the needs and feelings of others. And they think that the rules do not apply to them. If your husband were genuinely feeling all of these things, then that would not be encouraging, I admit. But you also probably would have seen this behavior long before this.

But often, men are trying to make you believe a lack of feelings that they truly don’t posses. Frankly, many men who cheat have been able to do so because they have found a way to shut down their feelings and their conscience. If they hadn’t been able to do that, then they would have a hard time cheating without being overcome by so much guilt that they would get no payback at all from the affair.

So they become experts at turning off those feelings of guilt and shame. And then you come along and seemingly insist that they overcome with these very feelings that they have been trying so desperately to push down.

When you see it from this angle, it makes sense that they are not going to be overjoyed about showing you their guilt. Instead, they are either going to deny its existence or they are going to act in a way that discourages you from discussing it.  Because believe me, they do not want to discuss it.  They do not want to feel it.

That doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling the remorse, at least deep down. But they sure are trying to suppress it. Or they are trying to not let you see it.

So how can you get the remorse flowing? Sometimes you just have to be patient. Often, he will eventually realize that this posturing and this denial of the truth aren’t really gaining him anything. Sometimes, you can speed up this process by having someone who he respects tell him as much.

I know that you may be tempted to try to convince him of this yourself, but know that he is much less likely to listen to what you have to say because he knows that you have a very strong interest in him having remorse. He knows that you are deeply invested and focused on your own needs and wants. In short, he knows that you are not and can not be objective.

But, if say, a counselor or even a friend or author that he respected said the same thing without having any vested interest, he may be more inclined to listen. Often, the remorse does come in time when there is enough time for him to not need to be as defensive. Or when things are not so immediate that he feels the need to posture.

Although my husband showed a lot of guilt in the beginning, he backed off on this when he began to see the consequences.  My trying to push the guilt on him did no good.  He was convinced much more by third parties than from me. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There are many common excuses or justifications that a husband will give as to what drew him to the other woman. Some men will actually try to convince their wives that the other woman was nothing special. Some will approach this in the opposite way and try to make their wives understand some of the qualities that the other woman had. A few brave men will go so far as to tell the wife that the other woman reminded him of her or was similar to the wife in some way.

A wife might share something like this: “for the longest time, I begged my husband for information about the other woman. I know it sounds crazy but I wanted to know exactly what he saw in her. At first, he would just say that this had nothing to do with her.  He would insist that it was about him. Eventually though, after I asked him very directed questions, a lot of his answers made her sound a bit like me. So one day I told my husband what I was thinking – that this woman sounded like me and my husband finally said: ‘you know, she is a lot like you. Don’t take this the wrong way, but she is like you when you were younger, before you changed.’ I knew what my husband meant. When my mother died, my personality did change. Every one has noticed. Not just my husband. I sank into a depression. I’m normally a bubbly and upbeat person but some days I was very pessimistic and had a hard time getting out of bed. So I know that he means that she was like me before I turned negative. This hurts. But I’m not sure if I buy it. And I’m not sure if this is supposed to make it better. He’s trying to sell me on the fact that he was only attracted to her because she was like me. This almost makes it worse. Because I feel like he can have the old me with her. The one that he loved. The one who is easier to live with. I feel like I’m being punished for going through a rough patch in my live that wasn’t my fault.”

I can certainly understand why you feel this way.  This is actually a pretty common situation.  Many wives notice similarities between the other woman and themselves.  Many wives will say that the other woman looks like or acts like her, only she is younger, thinner and without all of the harsh realities of a life that the younger woman could not possibly have lived.  This can make it feel as if you can’t possibly compete.

But there is another way to look at this.  I’m not sure if it will make you feel any better but it is true.  His attraction to her is influenced by his attraction to you.  It could very well indicate that he is still in love with you and that he misses what you used to have.

Think about it.  I know if you had your way, you’d want for the affair never to have happened.  Unfortunately, that isn’t possible.  But would it be worse if he cheated with someone who was your direct opposite?  Because if he did, it might feel like even more of a rejection.  It might make you feel like he’s physically attracted to someone who is not at all like you. If you followed down that path, you might then come to the conclusion that he prefers someone whose body type and personality is completely different.  This might actually make you feel more insecure about whether he still finds you attractive.

I know that there’s no way to spin this so that it is a good thing.  But if she genuinely reminded him of you, then you at least have the knowledge that his desire for you is in tact.  This may not ultimately matter all that much to you.  It depends on whether or not you want to save your marriage or where you want to go from here.  And her reminding him of you doesn’t mean that he isn’t responsible for his actions or that he is exempt from cheating.  He still made the decision to cheat.  That still has to be dealt with.

I know that this seems like a big issue.  And the circumstances of the affair can absolutely matter because they affect your healing.  But at the end of the day, the equation is the same.  There was infidelity.  And you will eventually need to heal, regardless of what you decide with your marriage.

A big concern is how this affects how you see yourself.  His mistake was his alone.  Regardless of how she looked or who he reminded her of, you have to remind yourself that she isn’t you.  No one is you.  Because you are unique and you are perfect as you are.  Do you have some work to do as far as your peace of mind?  Sure.  But don’t allow this to cause you to think that you aren’t enough.  You are.

I hope this has helped some.  A good therapist can take this even further.  But his reasoning for the affair is not nearly as important as your path to healing.  The reasons vary, but they lead us all to the same place.  We’ve been dealt a blow.  But we can recover. You can read more about my own process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are seeing a counselor to help them heal after a spouse’s affair and who are confused about the counselor’s strategies. Before I go any further, I have to tell you that for the most part I find counseling to be quite helpful and I can’t possibly speculate on someone else’s methods. Usually, counselors have a long term plan and, assuming that they specialize in marital or infidelity counseling, they likely know what they are doing. So while their methods may seem frustrating and confusing, they are in place to help you.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I have been going to counseling for a short time because he had a four month affair. I don’t think we have the ability to fix this ourselves and I’m relieved that he agreed to counseling. But one thing that she does really bugs me. I look forward to our sessions all week because I’m always hopeful that when I go, I’m going to get more answers about the affair. I try not to press my husband too much for details during the week, but during our sessions, I want answers. But every time I try to bring this up, the therapist says that we’re not going to push for all of the answers right now. She says that at this time, she wants to back off on pressuring my husband for answers so much. This angers me. How are we supposed to save our marriage if I don’t know what I’m dealing with? It’s like she’s expecting me to solve a puzzle without giving me all of the pieces of it. I know that we need counseling but I question her methods. Why would she tell me to back off from getting the details?”

Again, I can’t possibly know what the therapist is thinking. I would only be speculating and I could be wrong. Plus, I am not a therapist. But I would suspect that she is pacing the process. She could possibly be trying to get you to a stable place before you have to deal with difficult answers.

Or, she doesn’t want for you to have to deal with so much all at once. And, she might know that in order for your husband to really be truthful and forthcoming about the details of the affair, he has to be comfortable and feel somewhat safe in doing that. Otherwise, he may just lie or downplay things.

So in order for him to feel like he wants or needs to make that disclosure in an honest way, a foundation needs to be laid first. Both people need to be used to the counseling and feel safe within in. That could be what your therapist is trying to accomplish before the details come out.

It sounds like you are still early in the process. She could be trying to establish comfort levels and build on that as you are ready. You will likely see her introduce difficult topics after she’s seen you make progress or become more receptive and open. Again, these are only guesses on my part. I would not think that she expects you to never get the answers. But she might be trying to control the timing of them so that they come at an optimal place in your progress.

If something that she is doing doesn’t make sense to you, then I’d suggest asking her about it. You don’t want to sound like you’re questioning her methods or abilities, but you might try something like this: “I’m wondering why you’re wanting to delay us exploring details about the affair. I understand that you probably have your reasons, but I want to let you know that the details are important to me. I don’t feel that I’m going to be able to completely move on until I get them because otherwise, this is always going to be in the back of my head and it’s always going to make me wonder if I have all of the information that I need. Can you reassure me that at some point, you’re going to guide us through disclosing the details?”

This way, you might get more insight into her timeline and methods and you may also get the reassurance that you need to plow forward. I can tell you that few people agree with everything their therapist does. But in the long run, you can usually look back and realize that even though her methods were confusing at the time, they turned out to be advantageous in the end.

I know that none of this is easy but try to be open to her professional opinion until she gives you a reason not to be.   If it helps,  you can read more about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I often hear from couples who are trying to decide if they’re going to save or end their marriage after one of them has an affair. They often aren’t sure if the problems that lead to the affair are insurmountable or if the damage that it caused inspired pain that is impossible to overcome. Whether to save your marriage or walk away from it is not a decision that I can make for anyone. It’s a very personal decision which is influenced by many factors and it is often not yours alone to make.

And although I can’t make this decision for you, I can tell you what I have found to be the right reasons and the wrong reasons that people stay together after an affair. I see many couples who attempt to stay together for the wrong reasons eventually either fail in their marriage or become so angry and bitter that they wonder if they would be better off if they had failed.

Conversely, I see people who decide to stay married for the right reasons rise to the occasion, grow, and end up being happier because they have a better marriage than the one that they started with. So in the following article, I’ll go over some of the common wrong reasons that I see people use when they chose to stay together after an affair. And I will also go over the right reasons that people cite as well.

The Wrong Reasons That Couples Decide To Stick It Out And Stay Together After An Affair:

You Want To Make Your Spouse Miserable Or Make Them Pay: Sometimes both people aren’t sure if they even still want or love their spouse. But, they are also sure that they don’t want for anyone else to have them either. And sometimes, they want to make them pay for their affair. The marriage (and clinging to it) becomes a short of punishment for the infidelity.

Along this same idea, some people push to stay together after an affair simply because they don’t want their spouse to end up with the person with whom he cheated or had the affair. The wife may well know that she will never love her husband in the same way ever again, but she’ll be darned if she’s going to let that cheating tramp have him.

This is truly understandable. I had this inclination myself when my own husband had an affair, but what you typically can’t see at the time is that you are punishing yourself too. Don’t you deserve a marriage in which both people are equally happy and fulfilled? Do you deserve to live only to make someone else miserable? Because if so, the chances are good that you are going to be miserable as well.

You’re Afraid To Be On Your Own. You Don’t Think That Anyone Else Could Possibly Want Or Tolerate You: Another common reason that I see wives (and sometimes husbands too) hold onto their marriage after their affair is that they are scared or doubtful about being on their own. So they figure that it’s better to be in a dead marriage with the security that this brings rather than taking their chances on the outside. In this case, you are often selling yourself short. If you are going to take this route, at least make sure that you try every thing in your power to improve yourself as an individual as well as your marriage so that you never feel that you are at someone else’s mercy again.

Money Or Financial Reasons Keep You From Breaking Away: The final thing that I will mention is that sometimes the people who cheat stay in their marriage not because they truly want to be there, but because they know that a divorce is going to be costly. So they are there only for the financial security, but not for the marriage. If this is your situation, at least do everything in your power to save not only your pocketbook, but your relationship with your spouse. No one should sentence themselves to a life of unhappiness.

The Right Reasons to Stay Married After An Affair:

Despite the Infidelity, You Still Love Your Spouse: I know that it is sometimes hard for people to understand how you can continue to love someone who has betrayed you, but believe me, it is possible. You can’t just turn off your love for someone because they disappointed you. You may feel profound anger and or hatred for what you spouse did, but somewhere deep down, you don’t have it in you to turn your back on them and, despite yourself, you still love and want them.

I don’t think that there is any real shame in this. Marriages recover from affairs every day. Some are even blissfully happy and fulfilling again. If you find yourself in a situation where you still love your spouse, I don’t see the harm in trying to make it work. If you don’t, you may well regret it as well as always wonder what might have happened.

You Want To Keep Your Family In Tact Despite the Affair: This is actually one of the most common reasons that people give me for staying together. They do not want to split up their family. Many wives will tell you that if they only had themselves to think about, they might have made a different decision. But they refuse to break up their family because of a mistake that was not their children’s fault. This was my thinking too.

Now, people will sometimes disagree and tell you that a bad or troubled marriage is not healthy for kids either. But my response has always been that troubled marriages can be healed and there are countless studies which indicate that, absent an abusive or horribly traumatic family life, living with two parents is the best thing for children. Countless studies indicate educational, social, and psychological issues that crop up after a divorce. I think most people would agree that if you can keep your family together, it is in your children’s best interest to do so. That’s not to say that you need to become a martyr. You don’t have to limp through in a marriage that isn’t making you happy. You should do everything in your power to make your marriage a happy one once again because the marriage that you are showing your children is the one that they will one day model.

You Are Too Stubborn To Give Up: Never underestimate stubbornness as a valid reason to pull your marriage out of the brink of destruction. There are many people in this world who just hate to fail at anything. Walking away from their marriage is, for them, admitting defeat or admitting that they failed. If this is what it takes to get you through, I see no problem here either.

I struggled with and considered all of these reasons after my husband’s affair. But it was my love for my family that inspired me to stick it out. Today, I am glad that I made that decision because my marriage is a good one and I personally think it’s better than it was. If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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