Why Do I Feel More Anger at Myself Than At My Spouse After His Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: Most people realize that it’s very normal to feel outright rage after you find out that your spouse has cheated and had an affair. But what some do not realize is that you can feel anger not only toward your spouse but also toward yourself. Even the wives who are feeling this may not fully understand why it happens.

A wife experiencing this phenomenon might say: “I must hate myself deep down or something. My husband cheated on me. We’d been doing just fine marriage-wise. Or so I thought. I was just cruising along in my life thinking that everything was perfectly fine. What a fool I was. While he was presenting to me that we had a nice life, he was deceiving me. He was betraying me. And I hate myself for my idiocy. I am a complete fool. And I was complacent. My anger is directed more at myself than it is at him. And when I tell this to my friends, they say that I am crazy. How do I explain this, even to myself?”

I know that how you feel may not make sense to others, but I completely understand it – although I believe you are NEVER at fault for someone else’s cheating in any way whatsoever. You are in no way at fault. 

However, I do understand the thought process, as anger at myself was one of the wide range of emotions that I too felt. Here is why I believe that we might be angry at ourselves – no matter how misplaced this may be. 

It’s Easier to Aim That Anger at the Easiest Target – You: Many of us aren’t quite ready to have a true heart-to-heart with our husbands until some time has passed. We need time to process. And we need time to see how he’s going to behave going forward. If it’s not to our satisfaction, then we can just wait and watch. 

Since we may not be engaging with him honestly from the jump – we also aren’t healing immediately. And so our anger festers. It percolates. Eventually, it has to go somewhere. And he’s not immediately available.

So where does it go? Ourselves. After all, we’re right there. We’re the person we know best. And frankly, we had higher standards and expectations for ourselves. How could we miss it? How could we be so dense? Are we so unlovable that we invited him to do this?

All these thoughts are absolutely ridiculous, by the way. You’re not at fault. You’re not to blame. But it’s so easy to play mind games on ourselves and to be our own worst enemies. 

Why You Didn’t See It: For me, a big part of my anger was that I was caught unaware. It made me feel very stupid and out of touch. I should have been more observant. I should have felt a shift. Did I not pay enough attention?

Here’s the thing. We don’t see it because we assume that our spouses will treat us like we treat them. We aren’t cheating. We wouldn’t even think of it – and so we assume the same of them. 

Dishonest people see dishonesty. People who betray see betrayal. Since we aren’t doling out that type of behavior, we don’t see it in others. Most loving, trusting people just aren’t looking for this type of behavior because living your life that way just wouldn’t be much fun. 

Don’t beat yourself up for this. It honestly means that you’re a good, trusting person, which sort of leads me to my next point. 

Try to Place Your Anger at the Action and the Situation, Not at the People: I remember once when my husband and I were going around in circles after his affair. We were raising our voices because we were both very frustrated. My husband asked me if I hated him as much as I appeared to. I surprised myself by blurting out that I didn’t hate my husband – I just hated what he did.

After I paused and thought about that for a second, I realized that it was true. I couldn’t hate my husband. Until that time, he had been a wonderful partner to me. He’d been there for me during my darkest times. He’d been my rock for most of my adult life. So no, I most certainly couldn’t hate him.  

But I most certainly hated the mess that were in. And I hated that he had put us there. I loathed what he did.

However, realizing that I didn’t hate him allowed a shift. It returned respect to our interactions, and it helped soothe some of the drama. I’d love to say that everything was rosy from that point, but it wasn’t. Still, it was the start of a long trajectory toward improvement – and eventual healing. After some time had passed, we learned to work together instead of tearing one another down. 

It’s easy to understand why you are angry. You have every right to be angry and to express that anger, but please don’t turn that on yourself. You don’t deserve any more pain. You deserve self-love and self-care right now, not self-hate.  

You did absolutely nothing wrong, and you likely couldn’t have prevented it and would have only seen it coming if you’d lived your life being suspicious and distrustful. 

I know that you are in pain, but don’t turn that inward. Instead, give yourself what you need to heal – and don’t be shy about asking the same from your spouse. Even if you don’t want to remain married, you can still get what you need to heal. I chose to remain married, but I would have prioritized healing regardless. It would not have been fair for my life to be compromised when I did nothing to deserve it.

You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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What If I Can’t Forgive My Cheating Husband? What Happens Then?

By: Katie Lersch: Despite their best efforts, many faithful wives have come to point where they’ve decided (usually with a heavy heart) that they aren’t going to be able to forgive their husband for cheating on them or having an affair. These same wives often say that they’ve tried everything that they know to do, but ultimately they think that forgiveness is just not going to be possible. And, they worry that this is going to mean the end of their marriage or of their life as they know it.

I understand their frustration because I felt it myself. But I sometimes believe that there’s a couple of things to consider and try before someone throws in the towel or blames themselves. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Have You Received Everything That You Need In Order To Forgive?: Sometimes, wives will believe that their lack of forgiveness is their own fault or is because of some weakness that they have. But, honestly, these wives are typically in an impossible situation. Sometimes, the husband is still contacting or carrying on with the other woman. Other times, the husband isn’t truly remorseful, isn’t accountable, or hasn’t done anything to improve the situation.

In other words, the wife is in a situation where she’s being asked to forgive blindly, when nothing has really changed or improved and where the husband hasn’t held up his end of the bargain. Frankly, I can certainly understand the wife’s inability to forgive because the husband hasn’t given her anything at all to work with.

Most wives need several things in order to be able to truly forgive. They need to know (without any doubt) that there is no one else in the picture. (It never ceases to astound me when I hear from people who expect to save their marriages when the cheating spouse is still wavering as to whether he wants to be with his or her spouse or the other person. It’s nearly impossible to save a marriage (much less to forgive) when there are three people involved. This is the first thing that must be resolved.)

Next, the wife will need to be confident that the husband understands just how costly his actions were, that he’s completely sorry and accepts responsibility, and that he understands that he must make things right. Husbands who insinuate that the wife is somehow to blame and do nothing to rehabilitate the situation aren’t in a position to ask for forgiveness. Plus, the more a husband cheats, the more unrealistic forgiveness becomes with each incident.

Finally, there often needs to be some real work done on trust and self esteem issues. Wanting to forgive is great and admirable. But, if you don’t have all of your doubts addressed and all of your needs met, then it’s very difficult in reality.

Understanding What Forgiveness Really Means: Sometimes, wives have decided they won’t forgive because they feel as if doing so is condoning their husband’s cheating or letting him off the hook for the same. I don’t see this in the same way. When I ultimately decided to offer this, I never let my husband off the hook and I most certainly didn’t condone his cheating.

But, I decided that for my own self health and well being, it was something that I needed to do for myself (rather than for him) because I was so tired of dragging around my anger and doubts. I truly needed to put this behind me and this was a way to do it while ensuring that I wasn’t going to continuously keep reliving it. In that sense, the act of forgiveness is really something that you give yourself rather than something that you give him. In a sense, it’s almost a selfish thing that’s focused on you rather than on him and this is entirely fine in my view.

At the end of the day, healing after cheating often requires for you to ask yourself what you need and then giving yourself permission to demand it and accept nothing less. Forgiveness works on the same principal. It’s sometimes hard to admit that you need it, but when you accept that this is something that you really are doing for yourself, it becomes easier.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean That Everything Will Be Fine Or That The Slate Is Wiped Clean. It Truly Is Just A Starting Point: I often find that couples feel that “forgiveness” is some magical goal that will mean that the marriage is now fine and that they are starting over as though nothing happened. I certainly don’t see it this way. You can most certainly decide that you want to let all of the anger go but still not be sure whether the marriage is going to survive (or even that you want for it to.)

There’s often still a lot of rebuilding to be done. There’s nothing wrong with offering forgiveness without knowing how things will turn out. It’s not the same thing as committing to save the marriage. It’s only one aspect of healing. It can be a starting point if you want for it to. I’ve also seen it be an ending point. I’ve seen wives who are able to forgive but who’ve also decided that forgiveness doesn’t mean that the marriage can be saved.

This is only one aspect of healing and moving on. People get so focused on this that they ignore other important issues. To that end, people often rush the process. You can still attempt to save your marriage before you’ve forgiven. You can certainly wait to see how things evolve (and how your husband acts in the future) so that you have more information from which to decide how you want to proceed. There is nothing wrong with taking a wait and see approach and just committing to being open to seeing how things evolve and develop.

And, there’s nothing wrong with asking for what you need if you don’t yet have it. Do not blame or put pressure on yourself if you’re not ready to proceed. Sometimes, it’s better to just take inventory and see what you still need than to pressure yourself to do something which you know in your heart you’re not ready to do.

If you forgive before you’re ready or before you really mean it, it’s not likely to “stick.” That’s why there’s no sense in rushing yourself or allowing yourself to be pressured. You’re often much better off making sure you have what you need and committing to just attempting to move forward until you know that you’re ready.

I know that considering forgiving a cheating husband can be difficult, but it can be important for you rather than for him. (Although it’s not something that should be rushed.) I never would’ve believed this years ago, I was eventually able to forgive and I did truly get over the affair. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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My Husband Said He Knows I Hate Him After His Affair Because He Hates Himself

By: Katie Lersch: It’s no surprise that emotions run very high after an affair. It’s normal for the cheating spouse to feel shock, anger, sadness, or even hate. You’d expect these things because the faithful spouse is the wronged party.

What you might not expect is that many cheating spouses claim to have these same exact feelings. They, too, may claim to feel anger and hate – but it is supposedly aimed at themselves.

A faithful wife might say: ” To say my husband’s affair blew me away is an understatement. I feel like an idiot, but I didn’t see it, and I should have had some suspicions now that I look back on it, but I didn’t. I’m also floored by who he cheated on me with. These were both people in my life that I trusted, so it is a double betrayal.”

“Unfortunately for me, I have a lot of challenging things going on in my life right now. So my husband’s affair isn’t all that I’m struggling with. It’s just another terrible thing in a long line of them. And my husband knows this. So when he’s trying to apologize to me about the affair, he tells me that he knows I hate him for what he did. Because he knows that he’s added strife to my life at the last time I needed it.”

“He admits his behavior was immature and inexcusable. I responded by asking him how he knew I hated him. I’d said no such thing. Honestly, I haven’t said much because I’m still processing. But my husband said he knows I hate him because he hates himself. He says there is no way to avoid hatred on all sides after what he’s done. I don’t know how to respond to this. Why would he be so dramatic? Why would he say this?”

I can only speculate, but there are common reasons that men say targeted things after an affair. I’ll go over some of them below, as well as offer some suggestions on how to handle this. 

He’s Posturing and Trying to Get You to Say that You Don’t Hate Him:  What I’m about to say is going to sound a little weird – especially since I was the faithful wife. But a cheating husband who has recently been exposed is in a difficult situation – from a strategic point of view. 

If he throws himself at your feet, takes all the blame, and apologizes profusely, he may fear that you’re always going to think that you’re perfectly in the right so you can endlessly tell him what an awful person he is. As a result, he’s now looking at a lifetime of being the spouse who will never be able to live normally again.

On the flip side, if he acts indignant and puts up at least some defense, there is the hope that you’ll eventually back off – or at least partner with him since marital issues take two people to solve.

And then he could try a middle-of-the-road strategy – he could try to feel you out first to see where your head is. Knowing where you stand allows him to come up with the most effective strategy.  

By saying he knows you hate him, he’s inviting you to tell him whether you hate him or not.

This allows him to gain more information about where he stands while also appearing to confirm that he’s fully in the wrong. It’s a way to get you to show your hand, while painting him in a more remorseful light.

He May Legitimately Hate His Behavior: People often assume that spouses who cheat are heartless. After all, they’ve betrayed their spouse in such a brutal way. They’ve lied. They’ve been sneaky. They’ve shown a lack of respect for their spouse. They’ve exposed their spouse to unknown and potentially unsavory variables. 

Again, I’m not trying to defend anyone because I have been there. But, I’ve done much research and therapy around this topic. And many cheating spouses are living in a fantasy world. They compartmentalize because they must to carry out their cheating. Therefore, they aren’t thinking too deeply about how their actions might hurt their spouse. They are living in a reality where no one needs to know. So their spouse won’t be hurt and they won’t have to deal with the aftermath.

When they see your pain, it is almost a shock to them. Their alternative world comes crashing down, and they must now face a very painful and harsh reality of their own making.  

So yes, they can genuinely hate their part in this. They can hate their own actions and their own poor decision-making. They may hate that they can’t take any of this back, and they have to look into your hurt eyes every day and know they can do nothing about it.

What’s the Best Way to Handle This?: The optimal way to handle this depends on your and your husband’s temperament and how you communicate with one another, but I believe a straightforward approach is a good option. Try very hard to remain calm and not to feed into the drama.

Focus on what you want and what you need, not on what he’s saying to try to get a desired response. He can say and claim whatever he likes. But right now, you also need to take care of yourself. Try something like: 

“This situation is so fresh and so painful that I am going to take my time in deciding how I feel and what I want. Of course, I’m shocked and disappointed. This is a large and unexpected betrayal. But how I choose to feel or what I want to do moving forward remains to be seen and will largely depend on your actions and our ability to heal.”

That’s probably all you really need to say. Give yourself the time to watch what happens and reevaluate without allowing someone to force you to define exactly how you feel before you’re ready to do so.  

He may well hate himself, but your feelings are your own until you are ready to or want to share them.

I don’t think you can ever go wrong by focusing first and foremost on what you need to heal.  In the beginning of the aftermath of my husband’s affair, I thought about everyone else.  That was a mistake.  The real healing didn’t occur until I focused on healing myself first.  You can read more of that story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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My Spouse Is Not Attempting To Come Home After His Affair

By: Katie Lersch: Many people grappling with the aftermath of an affair are extremely concerned about their spouse’s behavior and what this in turn means for their marriage. A big concern happens when the cheating spouse has left and makes no attempt to come home. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering what this turn of events means for their marriage.

You might hear a concern like: “One of my husband’s coworkers who is also my friend told me that he was having an affair with one of his women colleagues. I had hoped that my friend was just wrong. But she wasn’t. As soon as I confronted my husband, he admitted it pretty much immediately. I was so angry with him that I said some pretty mean and awful things so we got into a huge fight. My husband grabbed a few clothes and he left. And he has never been back since. We’ve been in contact a couple of times but when we are, my husband never discusses coming home. He swears that he is not with the other woman. But if this is true, why doesn’t he want to come home? Does his not even attempting to come back mean my marriage is over? Because I can’t not think of a reason that he wouldn’t want to come home unless he just doesn’t care about me or our marriage anymore.” I will try to address these concerns below.

There are actually many reasons that a cheating spouse may not be immediately attempting to come home. I will go over some of those reasons for this as well as offer some suggestions on how to handle this below.

Some Possible Reasons That A Cheating Spouse Won’t Try To Come Home: It’s very normal to assume the worst case scenario here. Many faithful spouses will assume that the cheating spouse is staying away because he no longer loves them or is no longer invested in the marriage. And I won’t tell you that this can’t possibly be the case. Sometimes, it is. But there are other possibilities as well.

Sometimes, the cheating spouse stays away because he respects you enough to give you some time to process this. He may also assume that you are so angry that you really don’t want to see his face right now. Or, he may be giving you some time to be alone with your thoughts.

He might want for some time to go by and for emotions to calm a little bit before he attempts to come back home. Or, he may be waiting for you to give him some sign or to take the lead.

Often, he has no idea how you are feeling or what you want. So he’s waiting for you to give him some guidance before he attempts to come home and is possibly turned away or rejected. As you can see, not all of these reasons mean that he no longer wants you or the marriage. He could be confused or giving you time or waiting to get more information from you before he over steps boundaries that may no longer be his right to cross.

How You Might Want To Handle This: Frankly, sometimes having a little time apart or allowing a little distance in order for the anger and panic to wane can actually be beneficial. So there often isn’t a real need to rush things – as long as the affair is over.

I would honestly suggest giving yourself enough time to decide what you might want before you even approach this situation. In other words, if you’re not sure if you want to save this marriage, then there may not be any point in trying to get him home right now. But, if you come to the conclusion that you might want to save your marriage, know that this doesn’t always require that he comes home. What I’m trying to say is that you are better off making sure that he comes home at the appropriate time than to rush it and then make the situation worse.

I always feel that you should focus on healing the relationship first and worry about the logistics later. In other words, if you can heal your marriage, then saving it is going to be the next logical step. And if you take care of the healing, then things generally fall into place without your needing to fret too much. So, I would think that you’d like to address what is going to happen moving forward before you worry about him coming home. Urging him home before either of you are ready may just set you up for failure.

So I would suggest something like: “I know that we are in the middle of a difficult situation right now, but I’m wondering if you have any idea as to how you want to move forward. I can’t ignore the fact that you’ve made no attempt to come home. I am just wondering if this has any implications on how you feel or what you might want. Can you share with me if you have any feelings about moving forward? Or are you just unsure and reluctant to make any decisive move?”

Then you just sit back and listen. Allow him the time to make a complete response. He may tell you that he doesn’t yet know what he wants. He may ask you how you feel right now. But either way, at least you will have had a conversation and are no longer completely in the dark about his motivations.

My husband and I lived apart for a short period of time after his affair.  I actually think this benefited us, at least a little bit.  He came back rather quickly, but we had to set some guidelines because things were very awkward.  Looking back now, our healing was much more important than our living situation.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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The Reasons Why a Husband’s Affair is About So Much More Than Sex

By: Katie Lersch: I find that of all of the things that a spouse could focus on when they find out or suspect that their partner is cheating, sex is almost always the thing that is focused on the most.  Most people want to know what the sex was like, how it differed from intimacy with them, and if their spouse enjoyed it more.  Wanting to know these things is understandable, but it’s very important to realize that the answers to these questions really don’t help you heal and will only paint a negative picture that’s going to be very hard to get out of your head.

Additionally, it’s a fact that very often, affairs have less to do with sex than you may think.  It’s often much more effective to focus on other aspects of the affair, as usually, other things contributed more to it and fixing these things will help you (and your marriage) much more, at least in my opinion. I’ll explain what I mean by this in the following article.

Cheating Is Often About Much More Than Sex: There’s a perception that affairs are filled with sleazy, hot sex that the cheater couldn’t get at home.  While the sex in an affair can be different for many reasons, the sex is often not the cornerstone of why the cheating happened.  In fact, many spouses who cheat often have very fulfilling or at least regular intimacy at home.

Often, cheating is really about attention and feeling competent and unique. So many men tell me that what was so attractive about the mistress was not how she looked or even the spark between them.  (So often the other woman is not even as attractive as the wife.) It was that she looked at him with adoring eyes, listened intently, laughed at his jokes (which the wife has heard a million times), and that he felt connected to her for some reason.

In short, the other woman is very “into him” and this feels good.  Because the wife has known him forever, and has responsibilities and distractions at home, it can feel that his wife isn’t as “into him” in the same way.

So many affairs happen at work because the close quarters and the “team work” atmosphere that is encouraged contributes to boundaries being blurred.  Very few men intend to cheat at work.  They aren’t looking for this and are sometimes caught off guard when it happens.

They usually go into the relationship for innocent and valid reasons, but over time they find that the person at work is meeting emotional needs, is showing attention, and is making them feel valued and understood.  He is sharing common tasks with her and this evolves into a more emotional realm.

Many men who speak about their affair spend more time describing the emotional connection rather than the physical one.  I have absolutely no doubt that the majority of men cheat more for emotional reasons than physical ones.  Yes, the sex is a bonus and they aren’t going to turn it down.  It’s exciting and new.  This can’t be denied.

But, the sex is often perceived as better not because of what she does or doesn’t do, but because he perceives that she’s really into him and he’s not feeling this at home.

What To Focus On (Besides Sex) If You Want To Save Your Marriage After An Affair:  I’ve already alluded to the fact that wives (and husbands too) who have been cheated on can become obsessed about the sex in the affair.  This is completely understandable, but I hope that I’ve shown you that there is so much more to an affair.  And, there’s so much more that you will need to address when you move forward to save your marriage.

So many spouses who have been cheated on feel that they need to swing from the chandeliers or do things that make them uncomfortable to get the spark back.  This just isn’t true.  What your spouse wants more than anything is to feel that you understand, appreciate and desire them.  A wife who initiates sex and then enjoys it is going to be so much more attractive than one who is putting on a show and doing something that isn’t typical.

But before you even worry about intimacy, you first have to reestablish the emotional connection.  You need to feel heard, understood, and appreciated every bit as much as your spouse does.  You need to figure out what vulnerabilities lead up to the affair and then fix them so that you are secure that you won’t have to deal with this again.  And, you need the time, distance and accountability to begin to rebuild the trust.  Then, it’s important to start focusing on creating a new, better reality that you can both be excited about.

Don’t feel like you need to rush yourself to have sex again.  It’s never wrong to wait until you know -without any doubts- that the time is right

Once the healing is behind you, know that reestablishing the emotional connection will go a long way toward establishing the physical one. You don’t have to participate in things that make you feel uncomfortable or you don’t want to do.  Your spouse is going to know that you are faking anyway.

It’s better to get to a place where you can freely and comfortably engage in something that you are enthusiastic about and genuinely find enjoyable.  This will be more fulfilling and exciting to your partner than anything else.

I know that working through this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. If you can get through to the other side, your marriage can feel somewhat new and quite fulfilling again. At least that was true in my case. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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When a Husband Cheats and Blames His Wife

by: Katie Lersch: In a sad irony, some wives are blamed for their husband’s cheating. This can be so unfair and frustrating. Dealing with his cheating is bad enough. Being blamed for it is even worse. It’s important for you to keep telling yourself that he was the one who cheated and made the decision to take the action that he did. You are not responsible. No matter what the state of the marriage was, there were other options that he did not take.

But, knowing this and getting him to accept it can be two very different things. And, there are many reasons that a man will try to turn the tables on you in this way. But you don’t have to accept this and you can often make him understand and accept your stance. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why Married Men Who Have Cheated Will Sometimes Try To Shift The Blame Onto Their Wives: Sometimes, when I discuss this situation with people they will respond with something like “well, he’s trying to blame her because he’s just a heartless jerk.” Sometimes, this is true, but other times, the husband is taking this stance as a means to turn the attention away from himself.

Sometimes he’s embarrassed. Sometimes he’s guilty. Sometimes, he knows that he can’t provide you the answers that you really need. So, he’ll do whatever he feels just might work in turning the attention and spot light away from himself. He’ll attempt to turn it to the most convenient person in the situation – the wife.

This doesn’t mean that he totally blames his wife. It usually means that he’s just trying to use smoke and mirrors to get this whole thing to go away as quickly as he can manage. Sometimes, he doesn’t want to look at the man staring in the mirror back at him and feel the guilt that is deep in his heart. Many times, the wife will have to make it crystal clear that in no way is she to blame for someone else’s actions.

Making It Very Clear That You Are Not Going To Take The Blame For His Cheating: When a husband tries to pull this, you’re often going to be better off if you cut this off as swiftly as you can. Make it very clear that his attempting to shift the blame is unacceptable and that you’re never going to buy it. Make it very clear that one requirement of your working with him to fix things is his taking responsibility for his own actions.

You can even tell him that you are fully aware that he had countless choices and options to deal with his unhappiness or temptations. He could’ve discussed this with you. He could’ve sought counseling. He could have asked for some space. He could’ve removed himself from the situation. But, he didn’t. Instead, he chose to move forward and be unfaithful. This is no one else’s doing but his own. No one is to blame but him.

It can help to make it clear that your recovery doesn’t require score keeping or tallying blame, but for your own well being, you can’t allow yourself to take on blame that doesn’t belong to you.

Know That Each Person Has Their Own Lessons To Learn Right Now: Although you are in no way to blame for your husband’s cheating, there are always lessons that can be learned that will actually strengthen you and help you grow as you move forward. Every one and every marriage has vulnerabilities and places where they can improve. If you can use this to shine a light on them and fix them, then at least some good came out of this.

Don’t be afraid to shine a light on issues that can be improved and worked out. This isn’t taking the blame. This is using a very bad situation to bring about positive change and awareness. And, doing this work will often help you to have confidence when you’re moving on. If you don’t challenge and work through these issues, they continue to follow you around, hurt you, or leave you vulnerable. Looking them right in the face and staring them down will usually help you to begin to regain your power.

Maintaining Your Self Esteem: There’s a final reason not to take on the blame for his cheating that bears mentioning. If you allow yourself to take responsibility for something that wasn’t your fault, you only allow you self esteem to deteriorate even more. Having your husband cheat on you can be a huge blow to your self esteem – at least at first. One of your biggest challenges moving forward is sometimes regaining your self worth. So, don’t allow for yourself to have even one more thing to overcome by taking on baggage and guilt that isn’t yours to claim.

One step in dealing with your husband’s affair is claiming your strength even when you don’t feel strong. This took me a while, but eventually I got the hang of it.  And I eventually used that strength to heal myself and to do my part in healing my marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Why Some Marriages Survive an Affair and Some Marriages Don’t

by: Katie Lersch: I once had several conversations with a wife when her husband’s affair was still fresh. Of course, the pain was still very raw and she was struggling to process everything. She was starting to suspect that she might want to save the marriage but she didn’t know if this was going to be possible. She wanted to know what, in my observation, were the factors that lead some marriages to survive an affair while others couldn’t.

She asked, in part: “What makes one couple able to save their marriage after infidelity or an affair while another couple can’t? What factors decide which marriages make it and which marriages don’t?”

There are actually many things that come into play, at least in my opinion. I will discuss many of them in the following article.

Sometimes, One Spouse Just Isn’t Willing To Save The Marriage After An Affair: Although I’ve seen plenty of marriages successfully be saved when one spouse is reluctant or doubtful, ultimately, both spouses have to eventually be on board with saving the marriage. (Notice that I said “eventually.” It’s fine to have doubts while waiting and seeing what’s going to happen before you walk away for good. Sometimes, giving the situation time (even when you’re doubtful) is the best thing that you can do.)

Other times, the spouse who had the affair doesn’t want to let the other person go. Or, the faithful spouse can decide that they just can’t move past this. However it happens, both people either can’t get on the same page, aren’t able to do the necessary work, or are just unwilling or unable to move on.

One Spouse Sees Recovery in Inflexible or Hurried Terms: I often see people assume that they are in an “all or nothing” situation. They place a lot of pressure on themselves to forgive or move on within a certain time frame. When this doesn’t happen, they become very discouraged and worry that their marriage just couldn’t recover.

The truth is, it might have recovered if they had given it more time. There are going to be some struggles and everything’s not always resolved neatly and quickly. Sometimes, the best that you can do is to just commit to hanging in there and seeing what unfolds.

You don’t have to make any commitments or decisions immediately. It’s OK to have struggles and doubts. But if you walk away too early, you’re giving yourself the answer that you feared the most without letting it fully play out.

Often, Miscommunication And Misunderstandings Destroy A Marriage After An Affair: Here’s another unfortunate dynamic I see. Both spouses can become so guarded and reluctant during the fall out after the affair that no one is showing or saying what they really feel or what they really want.

As an example, let’s use a couple where the husband cheated and truly is sorry. However, he’s not all that great of a communicator but he apologizes and shows remorse as best as he can. The wife though, doesn’t buy his apologies. She says he’s only sorry because he’s caught. He denies this and continues to apologize, but every time he does, he gets the same angry response.

Over time, he becomes frustrated with this and stops saying how sorry he is and becomes somewhat defensive. In her own response, the wife thinks, “See, I knew he wasn’t really sorry. I knew that he didn’t really care.”

As a result, the wife shuts down. She really wants for her husband to be affectionate, reassuring, and genuine, but she wouldn’t trust him even if he did. So, she assumes that he doesn’t really want her and doesn’t find her attractive anymore and she retreats even further.

See what’s happened? The husband really is sorry and the wife really does still love him, but neither of them believe that these things are true and their actions reflect this and only make the situation worse. No one’s really being forthcoming and no one is truly getting what they want, which is very sad, since deep down they both want the same thing. I often tell spouses that they just need to keep being honest no matter how awkward and vulnerable it feels because it’s the only way to make sure that you have a fair chance of truly getting what you want.

The Trust Is Gone And Isn’t Restored: One of the biggest obstacles marriage marred by an affair face is restoring the trust. This betrayal is so painful that no one ever wants to repeat it. So, it’s completely understandable that the faithful spouse is going to be reluctant to trust again. And the cheating spouse often understands this at first, but the longer it goes on, the more likely it is that the unfaithful spouse will become resentful and pull back.

I often hear comments like: “What do I have to do to make her trust me again?” The answer is often that you have to give it some time and you have to go out of your way to be accountable. You have to call and check in. You have to be where you say that you’ll be. And you need to include her in your activities when you can so that she has no reason to question you.

In short, you become a dependable, predictable, loving and trustworthy spouse so that she has no reason to be suspicious.

If this work? Yes, it is. But if your marriage is important enough to you, then it will be worth it. Restoring the trust is not something that you can or should put off. It’s absolutely vital. Because if you don’t get the trust back then you’re going to rehashing the same old issues so that you can never really move on and truly save the marriage.

I know about all of these obstacles because I faced (and eventually overcame them) in my own marriage. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, our marriage actually did survive my husband’s affair. You can read about how it survived at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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How to Live With a Man Who Cheated

By: Katie Lersch: Many women struggle to move forward after their husband or boyfriend cheats on them. Sometimes, they are dealing with a one night stand or a fling and other times, they are dealing with a full blown affair. Usually, they don’t want to or can’t afford to leave, but they are still having difficulty with the situation. They are often still reeling and angry. They might not understand why he cheated or where to go from here. They often want very much to heal, but they just don’t know where to start and they can’t imagine what would make them feel better without any drastic changes taking place.

Some of the comments you’ll typically hear are things like this:  “I’m not going to leave him even though he cheated. I want to work this out. But every time I look at him, I just feel so angry. Sometimes I hate to even be in the same room with him. We fight all of the time now. The cheating is the elephant in the room that neither one of us want to mention. I want things to get better and I want to save the relationship but with this much anger and awkwardness, I’m not even sure that’s possible. How do I live with this man who cheated on me when my emotions are just all over the place?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Accept That Healing Is Going To Take Some Time And Attention: Many people want to fix the relationship as soon as possible. They hate feeling so angry and they hate the way that they hurt. So, it’s tempting to try to rush or gloss over the process of recovery. But it’s often unrealistic to think that you’re going to heal simply because you want to. Often, in order to truly move on in a healthy and lasting way, you will need to do some work to facilitate healing. This often means understanding why the cheating happened and placing safeguards in place so that it doesn’t happen again.

It also means working hard and taking the time to restore the trust and to rebuild the relationship. It means rehabilitating the man so that he won’t act the next time troubles arise. You both can acquire new tools to help arm yourself with new ways of handling issues before they become overly problematic. All of these things will make living with and loving him much easier and more healthy for you, but these things do take time and effort that usually just can’t be rushed.

Set Some Ground Rules So That You Aren’t Forced Into Something That Makes You Uncomfortable Or Compromises Your Feelings: I understand that often you can’t afford to move or leave or that sometimes you just don’t want to be displaced because of a decision or a mistake that he made. But just because you’re not leaving, this doesn’t mean things have to be the same as they have always been if you’re not comfortable with this.

You might want some time and distance and there is nothing wrong with asking for this. Perhaps you’re not comfortable sharing a bedroom or living in close quarters right now until some healing or rehabilitation takes place. There is nothing wrong with this. The key is to be open and honest so that there aren’t misunderstandings and resentments. It’s important to be forthcoming about what you are thinking along the way. Because if not, people will sometimes make assumptions that aren’t true and they will act on those assumptions.

So consider saying something like: “I just need some time and room for myself right now to process this, but this doesn’t mean I’m not open to you or healing once I understand why this happened and can trust that it won’t happen again.” In this way, you’re not leaving him to assume that you’re rejecting him or won’t ever forgive him. You’re just requesting the space and time to help with your healing, which is certainly understandable.

As long as every one understands what the other wants and needs and works together to achieve this, progress can usually take place. The problem is that people will often stop talking because the conversation can be difficult and awkward so people just clam up. This is when the misunderstandings and assumptions can take hold, which will often make things worse.

Don’t Be Shy About Asking For What You Need. Don’t Get Caught Up Worrying About What You Should Be Doing Or How You Should Feel: In this situation, many people worry about what others think or allow themselves to get caught up in what they should do or feel. You’ll often hear comments like “I feel like I should be over his cheating by now.” Or “I feel like I’m not making enough progress and he’s getting frustrated with me.”

You can’t worry about the “shoulds.” There is no set time line and you shouldn’t have to feel pressured when you are dealing as best you can with something that is so difficult. If you yourself are frustrated with your own progress, ask yourself if there’s something that you need that you aren’t getting.

Perhaps you don’t believe that he’s truly sorry. Perhaps he hasn’t been honest with you or forthcoming about why this happened. Maybe, deep down, you blame yourself or don’t believe in you or your marriage’s ability to recover. Whatever is holding you back, it’s so important to identify it so you can address it properly. Anything can be overcome if you understand what that thing really is.

Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage survived my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is intact. And infidelity is not something I think about all the time.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Does Knowing the Whole Truth (And Everything About) an Affair Make Things Worse?

by: Katie Lersch: A wife once told me that her husband agreed to sit down with her and tell her “all of the details of his affair.” The wife admitted that she had been asking for this information for quite a while. About six months ago, the husband told the wife that he felt very guilty about something and finally admitted that he had a very short affair which was now over. But, beyond this very limited information, he was unwilling to tell the wife much more than this. Ever since, the wife had been demanding answers (which the husband had been very reluctant to give.)

Finally, the husband agreed to tell the wife “whatever she needed to know” about the affair. Initially, the wife was relieved, but the more she thought about it, the more she began to have concerns and reservations. She wondered if having all of these facts about the affair and about the other woman was only going to cause her more pain. In short, she wondered: “will knowing the entire truth about his affair just make things worse or do I need to know everything?”

The answer to this questions varies somewhat depending upon the situation and the people involved, but I definitely have some opinions on this based on my own experience and on the experiences of other women I know. I will discuss this more in the following article.

You Need Enough Details About The Affair To Ensure That You Know What Type Of Situation You Are Dealing With: I agreed with the wife that being kept in the dark was not in her best interest. At this point, she had no idea who the other woman was, how the husband met her, or how and when they carried out the affair. Not having this information put the wife at a distinct disadvantage when it was time for her determine how she wanted to proceed.

In order to decide if the marriage is worth saving and how you can safeguard the marriage in the future, you need to know what (and who) you are dealing with. In my opinion, at minimum the wife needed to know: who the other woman was; how and why they began the affair; how long the affair lasted; who else was involved in the deception besides the two of them; and how the husband planned to rehabilitate himself and the marriage.

This is the minimum information that most women want to know, but some women have many more questions than this, which is certainly understandable. But, there is a fine line between wanting to know enough information to make an educated decision and dwelling on the things that are only going to hurt you and are likely going to make things worse.

The Details About The Affair That Might Make Things Worse Rather Than Making Things Better: Many women tell me that they want “all of the details” about their husband’s affair. But, sometimes, once they hear some of the specifics that they thought they wanted, they find that they just can’t get certain images and thoughts out of their heads. There is a fine line between demanding the details that you need to know and getting the details that are going to hurt you needlessly and delay your healing.

I always feel that you should focus on the details that will strengthen rather than weaken you. These types of things are individual. But, in general, it will often hurt you to know the very specific details about the sexual aspects of their encounters. Many women tend to dwell in this area and want a very detailed description of exactly what happened and how much this was enjoyed by both parties. The answer to these questions can be very painful and I have to tell you that most women don’t believe what the husband says in these instances anyway.

I’ve had women tell me that they wish they had never asked what type of perfume or lingerie the other woman wore because now they find themselves dwelling on these things or feeling pain every time they catch a whiff of the perfume in question or walk by the lingerie department at their local super center. I understand that it’s very tempting to want all of the answers, but there are some answers that only cause you needless pain that is quite difficult to overcome.

It can help to ask for information very gradually, starting with the most dire questions that need to be answered so they can evaluate the situation. Once you have the basics down and then give yourself some time to begin healing and evaluating where you want to go from here, you can then begin to ask yourself what else you feel that you absolutely need to know. And, even then, it’s advisable to move very slowly and to take it one question at a time. After that, give yourself the opportunity to process and then reevaluate the situation as you take in more information at a very gradual pace.

I know that these questions and considerations are painful, but with the right plan, things often do get better. Rebuilding my marriage after my husband’s affair took a lot of time, hard work and effort, but it was worth it. I now understand him, our marriage, and myself much better. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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What If My Husband Was Happier With The Other Woman Than He Is With Me?

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives doubt how their husbands really feel about them after an affair.   They often doubt that their husbands really want to be with them or that they were really their husband’s first choice.

Such with the case with a wife who said:  “After his affair, my husband took some time and decided that he wanted to commit to me and our children.  He has kept up that end of the bargain.  He is trying his best to work with me to save the marriage.  But, deep in my heart I believe that he thinks he was happier with the woman he cheated on me with.  Sometimes, he gets a far away look in his eye that is sort of like longing.  When he gets like this, I think that maybe he’s feeling nostalgic for or missing her.   He doesn’t know this, but I saw some photos of his phone of him and her before he deleted them.  They actually looked quite happy together and, frankly, he doesn’t seem all that happy right now.  I just can’t get over the idea that he was much happier with her and, although he’s committed to me, he doesn’t really believe we’ll ever be happy.   Is there any way for me to move past this?”

It Sometimes Takes A While Until A Husband Can Truly Understand And Process His Feelings For The Other Woman:  This is going to sound awful, but I truly believe that men sometimes grieve the loss of the affair even when they are totally committed to and still love their wives.

Usually, an affair ends quite abruptly without a lot of closure or time to say the things that need to be said.  And this sort of quick end can leave a husband wondering.  This doesn’t mean that this woman was the great love of his life or that he will spend the rest of his life longing for her.

But it can mean that he hasn’t yet had time to process this or reflect on it.  There is every reason to believe that once he does, he will understand his feelings a little better and they will therefore start to wane.  It’s often when a man has some distance that he begins to realize that nothing about the affair (much less the feelings he had wrapped up in it) were real.

Sure, he may not realize this now, but it’s likely that he will.  And frankly, if you bring this up all of the time or dwell on it, you are only continuing to bring attention to her which runs the risk that this will cause him to continue to think of her as something forbidden and therefore worthwhile.

It’s Not Advisable To Draw A Lot Of Attention To His Feeling About The Other Woman (Or Compare Them To His Feelings For You  – Especially In The Beginning:)  I know that it might be tempting to grill your husband about exactly how he still feels about (or how often he thinks about or longs for) the other woman.  But again, this just draws attention to things and might give the feelings strength.

Quite frankly, right now, your focus should be on the two of you and on your marriage.  I know it’s easy to believe that your marriage hinges on how he feels about her, but if you leave it alone and focus on strengthening your bond with him, these feelings will often fade once he has some perspective.

It’s Not In Your Best Interests To Make Assumptions About His Feelings and Perceptions About (And Happiness With) The Other Woman:  Here’s one one point that I would like to make.  It’s just not advisable to make assumptions.  Both of you likely have feelings and perceptions that change by the day.  It’s doing you a disservice to make assumptions that, not only might not be true, but might also affect your ability to move on and to try to save this marriage in a healthy way.

Your best bet is to take it day by day focusing on those things which you directly control.  You can control your actions.  You can control how you react to his behaviors and to your own perceptions.  You can control how you conduct yourself.  And you can control how much concentrated effort you put into yourself and in your marriage right now.

Honestly, the less time you think about her, the better off you will be in my experience.  As difficult as it might be, the best course of action is to place your attention and your focus on your husband and yourself, especially if your goal is to save your marriage.

If you do these things and do the work necessary to repair your marriage, there’s a pretty decent chance that at least some recovery might take place.  By worrying about his happiness with someone else, you potentially compromise his happiness with you.

I promise that recovery is sometimes possible no matter what he thinks he feels in the beginning.  If I did it, anyone can. You can read about our recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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