I Feel Second Best After My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair: Insights That Might Help

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives who are trying very hard to pick up the pieces of their lives and move on with dignity and grace after their husbands cheated or had an affair. But no matter how well-intentioned or determined you are, this can be easier said than done. Your head can understand things that your heart cannot. You can have steel resolve in the morning only to fall apart by nightfall.

And even though your husband can tell you all the things he thinks you want to hear, hearing is very different than actually believing. I often hear comments like, “My husband ended his affair. He says he realizes now that he made a mistake and that he loves me. He says he is putting our family first. And all of these things sound really good. But I know too much about the other woman and about their relationship. She’s young. She’s pretty. She’s carefree. He treated her like gold and risked everything for her. I know I can’t compete with that. And it makes me feel second best. I know that my husband is home and he’s doing what he thinks he’s supposed to do. But I can’t help but wonder if it weren’t for the kids, would he still be here? I feel like I only got him back by default. How can I get over feeling second best and like I’m not good enough? He’s not telling me this, but I feel it just the same.”

These concerns are so common. Wives who are trying to recover from affairs question everything about themselves, their marriages, their husbands, and about that same husband’s feelings. Infidelity feels like a complete rejection, even when your husband swears that this is not the case. You might, as many do, feel like you’re what’s left over when things didn’t work out. And this is horribly painful. The thing is, it’s very unfair for you to have to carry these feelings around when you weren’t the one who set this whole thing into motion. In the following article, I will discuss some ways to stop feeling like second best after your husband had an affair.

Place the Focus on What Makes You Feel Better Rather Than on What Makes You Feel Worse:
At the risk of sounding insensitive, I know from experience that it’s very easy to place your focus on what feels the worst. Even though you know it’s not productive, even though you know it’s not moving you forward, the thoughts that hurt the most are the ones that keep popping up the most. And it’s very tempting and easy to dwell on them.

It’s so tempting to just sort of sink into it—because you don’t know how to begin to dig yourself out, and no matter what you do, the thoughts just keep coming. That’s why, to break this cycle, you have to react as soon as you find the thoughts coming. Replace the bad thoughts with something that makes you feel better about yourself. So, as soon as you have a thought or feeling that makes you feel second best or not good enough or not attractive, do something that makes you feel proactive.

This takes practice. It might feel silly. And quite honestly, sometimes it’s easier to just give in to the negative. But in my experience, when you begin to be proactive and take positive action in response to negative thoughts, you begin to remove their power.

Here’s an example: In my own experience, when those sabotaging thoughts came, I would stop what I was doing and take a walk. Or I would work out. Or maybe I’d call a supportive and non-judgmental friend. Or I would go to the arcade with my kids. Basically, I would find something to derail my thoughts and make me feel like I wasn’t giving in to them.

In the end, the walking and exercise turned out to be a good call because I lost weight and toned up. This changed my appearance a bit and gave me more confidence, which led to me making more changes in my life. The weight loss added to a new way of looking at my appearance, myself, and what I was portraying to the world—because what you portray to the world can become the way that you see yourself.

Once you see yourself in a more positive way, you begin to become much more protective of your peace of mind and well-being. And you start seeing those negative thoughts as the enemy that you aren’t going to let invade that hard-fought peace of mind. This doesn’t happen overnight, of course. It’s a difficult process and it takes time.

But fighting it every step of the way and making sure you move toward the positive gives you the sense of control that you deserve. No, you didn’t have any control over his cheating or affair. That was the action that he chose to take without your input. But you do have control over your own thoughts and actions. And you can’t feel second best unless you allow those thoughts to take hold. When you start to feel second best, it’s up to you to take action to derail this—until you regain some control and build yourself up to a place where you begin to know and believe that this just isn’t true.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair or regain my self-esteem, but this is in the past. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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Why Has My Husband Not Apologized For His Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are both disappointed and confused as to why their spouse hasn’t expressed sorrow, regret, or an apology about cheating or having an affair. Because it’s not as if they don’t deserve one. Cheating is one of the worst things that you can do to someone you love. And this type of betrayal often requires a great deal of lying and deception, which is also an offense that deserves an elaborate apology. But when this doesn’t come, it can cause quite a bit of frustration and confusion.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband had an affair with a childhood friend of mine who moved back home after she divorced her husband. Strangely, my husband has never really liked this woman, but apparently, at some point he changed his mind. Our marriage had hit a bit of a rough patch because I’m having some medical issues that have kept me from being as intimate with my husband as much as I might like. Neither of us were happy about this, but I sincerely thought that I would find a resolution and that we could pick up where we left off. Imagine my shock when this other woman asked me out to lunch and announced that she had started up a serious relationship with my husband. When I confronted my husband, he didn’t deny it. He very begrudgingly agreed to end the affair, but he doesn’t seem all that motivated to make this right. He has not apologized about this, not even once. Nor has he offered any sort of explanation. I can’t believe this, honestly. We have seen friends go through infidelity and my husband was always very judgmental to those who were unfaithful. He was obviously extremely wrong to go behind my back, lie to me, and carry on with someone who I consider a friend. But he has not so much uttered a simple ‘I’m sorry’ for this. Why not?”

There are many reasons that a husband may not immediately offer an apology for his affair. In the following article, I will offer some potential reasons as to why you may not be getting an apology and how you might successfully handle this.

He Feels Justified In His Actions (Or He Wants For You To Think That He Does:) Many people will put up a defense mechanism in this situation. They don’t want to continue to feel guilty or bad about themselves (although this is often unavoidable.) And they think that if they allow you to see how guilty or badly they already feel, you’re only going to make them feel worse. So they figure that it is in their best interest to try to push down these negative feelings. They may even try to tell themselves that they were justified in cheating because you weren’t meeting their needs or because the marriage was falling short in some way.

You may not be able to convince him to immediately show his remorse (especially at first,) but you can often stress that you don’t buy this excuse. You can very directly say something like: “I notice that you haven’t yet expressed remorse, regret, or an apology. I have no way of knowing why this is your stance. But I do know that regardless of what your justification might be, we have both agreed in the past that there is no valid excuse for cheating. I still believe that and I still hold firm to it. There’s really nothing that you can say that is ever going to convince me that this action was in any way justified. I hope that you will see this and that you will eventually show some remorse or an apology because I am not going to change my mind about this.”

He May Be Trying To Lower Your Expectations: I find that many people will sort of posture in the days and weeks following the discovery of the affair. He isn’t sure how you are going to react. He isn’t sure for how long this is going to turn your life upside down. So often, he will try very hard to negate the impact of this. One way that he might attempt to do this is to attempt to make sure that you don’t expect too much.

By not apologizing, he may be attempting to let you know that you shouldn’t expect a long, drawn out healing period in which you expect him to fall all over himself with apologies and with him begging for forgiveness. Sometimes, the best way around this is to let him know that you aren’t trying to punish him and that you don’t expect a life time of redemption. But you have every right to expect an apology and to expect for him to take responsibility for making this right.

You might consider a response like: “I think that it may help us to talk about our expectations moving forward. You can tell me what you expect and want. I can assure you that I don’t mean to punish you for the rest of our lives, but I do deserve an explanation and a sincere apology. We will have a very hard time saving our marriage and healing if you don’t understand how wrong this truly was and if I don’t believe that you are truly sorry. Your trying to pretend that you were justified and are not remorseful doesn’t really help us. I hope that you will eventually see that.”

He may not suddenly shower you with heartfelt apologies, but the more you show him that there is really no advantage for him when he embraces this strategy, he will be less likely to contiue on with it.   I had to draw some lines in the sand with my own husband after his affair.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Ways A Wife Can Move Forward After Her Husband’s Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives who are trying very hard to pick up the pieces after their husbands’ affairs. I often hear comments like:

“I really want to move on, but I just can’t seem to. I keep looking back rather than forward. I’m stuck being angry. I can’t get images of him and her out of my mind. I feel like I’m stuck in quicksand when all I want is my old life back. How can I possibly move on when I’m paralyzed by all these feelings? When will things start to get better? I wish I could erase all of this, but I know that I can’t.”

These feelings are incredibly common, but so immensely frustrating. There’s no question that a husband’s affair can derail your life, which is so unfair since you weren’t the one who did anything wrong. And sometimes, as painful as this is, you see no end in sight, and you blame yourself for not finding a way to just move on already. I’ll offer some suggestions about how to deal with this in the following article.

Know That You Will Move Forward When You Are Ready to Do So and Have What You Need: In the time period immediately following the affair, it can feel as though your life will never be the same again. It can begin to feel as though everything is broken and can never return to being whole. But with some work, some understanding, and some healing, it’s entirely possible to get back on your feet and to eventually move on.

The thing is, this does often take some time. There’s a real tendency to put pressure and blame on yourself when this doesn’t happen in a very quick or almost immediate timeline. You have to understand that this can be a very harsh blow—one from which you can’t expect to truly recover overnight. There are usually a few things that you will need and/or want to have before you are truly ready to move on and have it stick.

The Things That You’ll Often Need to Move Forward With Confidence and Peace of Mind After His Affair: Many women tell me that they feel they just need to “make up their minds” or vow to just move on, and once the decision is made, then it’s up to them to follow through. And then, when their resolve begins to waver or they feel some doubt and worry, they blame themselves for not having enough willpower and for not making good on their promises.

What they fail to see, though, is that they haven’t yet gotten what they need to truly move on once and for all. There are often still some very important questions and not enough decent answers. For example, many women whose husbands have had an affair will need to understand why this happened and how they (and the marriage) were vulnerable. Because if they don’t, they will continue to live with dread and worry. The fear of this happening again does not allow them a moment’s rest. And often they will rush or push themselves to move on, only to find that the fear and worry are only intensified.

By no means is this their fault. What is happening is that they are trying to move forward without having all of the information and tools that they need. Although you may never have every question about the affair answered perfectly, you will often need to have a good idea of what contributed to this. Because it’s only then that you’ll have the confidence that comes with knowing that you’ve fully addressed the issue so that it’s no longer a threat.

Additionally, you will often need to rebuild the connection and the trust with your husband—along with your self-esteem. Because if you don’t address these things, in a way you’re compromised and limping along, and you’re in a situation where strength and health are absolutely vital. But if you can rebuild yourself and retain the answers that you need, and work on your self-esteem to regain your confidence, then you are working from a place of strength rather than weakness. And this is the beginning of moving forward.

Knowing When You’re Truly Ready to Move On After His Affair: Many wives ask me when they can expect to move on. Specifically, they want to know how long it’s supposed to take to heal. There’s really no time frame, as this is an individual journey based upon the situation and the people involved. There is no need to place pressure on yourself or to make judgments about your timeline. You can make the intention to keep making progress without needing a specific date. In my opinion and experience, you’re often better off focusing on what makes you feel better rather than questioning why you don’t and wanting to know when you might expect to.

There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer. But I often tell women that if they are asking when they can move on, then they probably still lack some answers and are still reacting to pain and hurt. This just means that they need to find what is missing and provide that missing link. And they will do this when the time is right for them. Because honestly, when you’re ready to move on, you will often know it without needing to ask the question. The little voice in your head that is nagging you right now will quiet, and instead give you the indication that you really want to look forward rather than back.

Surviving the Affair is a blog I put together to share my journey. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy are much stronger, and because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem is pretty high. I no longer worry that my husband will cheat again. You can check it out at: http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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The Difference Between Regret And Remorse After An Affair: Which Is Better? How Can You Tell Which One You’re Seeing?

By: Katie Lersch: One of the most common emotions that a faithful spouse is searching for in the aftermath of an affair is remorse. The faithful spouse can desperately want to believe that the cheating spouse is deeply sorry. And there are many reasons for this: Often, the faithful spouse wants reassurance that they are not the only one who is devastated. Remorse also means that the cheating spouse truly understands the pain that he has caused and therefore will hopefully think twice about cheating again. It may also mean that he will be willing to put forth the effort to make rehabilitation possible.

However, in the course of searching for remorse, the faithful spouse might worry that they are seeing something else instead – regret.
One of these wives might explain, “I found out that my husband was having an affair about six weeks ago. I would have had more respect for him if he had admitted it, but no. He was a coward who denied it until I found evidence that he could not explain away. So now he is scrambling and trying to do everything possible not to lose his house or his family. He says that he is sorry, but when I ask him for specifics about what, exactly, he is sorry for, his answers just aren’t what I’m hoping to hear. They don’t sound as sincere as I’d like and they aren’t specific about the pain and the fallout that his actions have caused. Yesterday, I point blank asked him – once again – if he felt remorse. His response was ‘I feel regret.’ I told him I wanted remorse. He asked what was the difference. Of course, there is a difference. Isn’t there?”

Yes, there is. Having gone through this myself, I strongly believe that I would much rather my husband have felt deep remorse than deep regret. Below, I will go over the differences between the two and tell you why I believe that remorse is what you truly need to see. It’s okay if your spouse chooses to call it regret, as long as he ultimately feels true remorse. Also, know that it can take a little bit of time before some people drop their defenses enough to feel genuine remorse.  So it’s not necessary to panic if you’re not yet seeing it.

Regret Usually Focuses On The Consequences: Regret is often based on wishing that the affair didn’t happen or that the cheater didn’t get caught. It’s more of wishing that they could turn back time because they regret the circumstances that are now surrounding them. They are usually feeling regret about what the affair has cost, the fact that you are now angry at them, and the fact that the life that they had yesterday or last week is now at risk. In short, the affair is now found out and it’s very uncomfortable to have to face the consequences. So, of course, they regret that this has happened and wish that they could take it back. People who are focused mostly on regret will sometimes try to convince the faithful spouse that they are asking for too much or that they are overreacting. In other words, they will try to get you to dial it back so that the consequences for them are less.  It’s more about them than it is about you.  They are very focused on what they are feeling – not on what you are feeling.  This is very different than true remorse, which I will discuss now.

Remorse Focuses On The Feelings And Well-Being Of The Innocent, Not Of The Guilty: A husband who feels remorse is often more focused on the well-being of his spouse instead of himself.  He takes responsibility for his actions instead of trying to see what excuses will work on you.  He is willing to look hard to see where he made mistakes and had character flaws which hopefully can be fixed. He feels true sorrow and intense guilt at hurting someone else. In this state, you are likely to get a true, heartfelt apology because someone who feels remorse is willing to live in reality so that they can feel legitimate empathy.  They understand that they made a very hurtful mistake and must now take responsibility for fixing it.  Despite this, they are more concerned with the consequences for you instead of the consequences for them.

The Future With Regret Vs Remorse: Here is why remorse is so much more desirable than regret, at least in my opinion: In a real sense, regret often doesn’t contain much empathy from the cheater, but remorse does. Because the person feeling remorse sees the truth and their responsibility in it, the remorseful person is much more likely to avoid the same action – cheating – in the future. The regretful person is more likely to attempt to avoid punishment for the action, but not the action itself, which is why the regretful spouse can sometimes just become better at hiding their cheating – rather than quitting their cheating.

That’s not to say that someone can’t start out feeling regret and then eventually move toward remorse (once he experiences the consequences of his actions.) But ultimately, remorse is a very important part of the recovery process. I would not have wanted to settle for less. A spouse who feels remorse understands the faithful spouse’s pain, takes responsibility for it, and wants to avoid causing any more harm. Therefore, they are often more willing to take a hard look at themselves, to seek counseling, and to undergo rehabilitation – which are all going to make your marriage stronger in the end.

My husband did try to posture somewhat in the days after I caught him cheating, but once he realized this wasn’t going to work, he dropped the act and it eventually became obvious that he truly felt remorse.  Thankfully, his behaviors and actions were in alignment with his claims of true sorrow.  This meant that he was willing to do what was necessary to help me (and our marriage) to heal.  It was not a linear process and it was often painful, but we made it. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I Just Can’t Seem To Make My Marriage Work After My Husband’s Affair

By Katie Lersch: I once heard from a wife who was just about ready to throw in the towel. She and her husband had been trying—really trying—to piece things back together after his affair. Neither of them wanted to give up. They both said they still cared. They both said they wanted the marriage to work. But, if she was being honest, it just didn’t feel like it was working.

She told me, “I’m still so angry. I try not to be, but it just bubbles up anyway. I resent him. I don’t trust him. I feel like I’m faking it half the time. And he says he’s tired of feeling like the bad guy every day. I don’t know. Maybe we’re just too broken.”

This is a scenario I hear a lot. And let me tell you—if you’re in this place, you are not alone. So many couples reach this point, where they’re putting in effort, showing up, doing their best—and it still feels like it’s not enough. They look around and think, “If we’re both trying, and it still feels this hard, maybe it’s just not meant to work.”

But here’s the thing: just because something feels broken today doesn’t mean it will always stay that way. Feeling like it’s not working right now doesn’t mean it can’t work eventually.

Let’s talk about that.

It’s Not Unusual To Feel Like Your Marriage Isn’t Working Right After The Affair: The months (or even years) after an affair can feel like the longest, slowest, most confusing stretch of your life. Everything’s been turned upside down. The person you thought you could count on the most is now the one who hurt you the deepest. There’s grief. There’s anger. There’s fear. And underneath it all, there’s this quiet little voice asking, “Is any of this even worth it?”

So yes, it makes total sense if you’re questioning whether your marriage is ever going to feel good again. A lot of people feel this way. You’re tired of crying. He’s tired of apologizing. You both feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

Sometimes you’re thinking, “Why aren’t we further along by now?”

But healing isn’t linear. And forcing yourself to “get over it” too quickly just creates more pressure and, often, more distance.

What If You’re Still Angry And Hurt—Even After Trying Your Best?: Many women tell me something like: “He keeps asking me what I need. And the truth is—I don’t even know. I just know this isn’t it. I still feel awful. I’m still so hurt. So disconnected.”

And I get that. I really do. The will to move forward might be there, but the tools aren’t always in place. Sometimes both spouses want to heal, but neither one knows exactly how.

That’s where many couples get stuck—thinking that effort alone should fix things. But what they often need is deeper work, more clarity, and sometimes even individual healing before the marriage can truly move forward.

I often encourage people to look at healing in two parts:

  1. Healing as a couple, which includes rebuilding trust, improving communication, and restoring intimacy.

  2. Healing as individuals, which includes rebuilding your own confidence, finding your own voice again, and learning how to manage the flood of emotions that infidelity brings.

Skipping the second part is a big reason so many couples feel like they’re spinning their wheels. They do the marriage work but not the personal healing—and that makes it hard for anything to truly feel settled.

You Need More Than Just Time—You Need The Right Support: So what do you do when you’re both trying, but it still feels broken?

You start by getting really honest—with yourself and with each other. You look at the hurt that hasn’t been addressed. You acknowledge the wounds that are still bleeding underneath the surface. And you ask yourself: What do I need—not just from him, but from myself—to feel whole again?

And yes, you may also need to hear the hard truths. You may need more ownership and accountability from him. You may need answers, or consistency, or emotional safety. You may need space to grieve, or tools to help you feel grounded again. And that’s okay.

None of this is instant. And none of it is easy. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

What Assumptions Might Be Getting In The Way?: One thing I’ve learned—both from my own experience and from talking to thousands of other women—is that unspoken assumptions can quietly poison a marriage.

Maybe you assume he’s only staying because he feels guilty.
Maybe he assumes you’re never going to forgive him no matter what he does.
Maybe both of you feel like this will never get better, but neither of you says it out loud.

Those quiet doubts? They matter. They need air. Because left unspoken, they grow.

That’s why it’s so important to keep talking. Even when it’s hard. Even when you don’t know exactly what to say. Even when you’re scared that saying it might break the fragile peace you’ve managed to hold onto.

Sometimes honesty brings the pain out in the open. But it also brings clarity. And with clarity comes direction. And hope.

My Experience—And Why I Believe It Can Get Better: I get asked a lot: “Did you ever actually get past the affair? Did your marriage survive?”

And the answer is yes—but not without a fight.

It took time. It took patience. It took me figuring out what I needed to feel safe again. It took my husband owning what he did and showing up consistently to rebuild my trust. But it happened. And today, we’re not just okay—we’re stronger than we were before. I know how that sounds. If you’d told me that two years ago, I would’ve rolled my eyes. But here we are.

So no, you are not crazy for still struggling. You’re not alone if things aren’t “fixed” yet. And feeling like it’s not working right now doesn’t mean it never will.

If you’re looking for more support or want to read more about how I made it through, you can check out my blog: http://surviving-the-affair.com

Whatever you choose, give yourself grace. This is not easy work. But sometimes, what feels broken beyond repair just needs a little more time, more truth, and a little more care than we ever thought we’d have to give.

And sometimes—it’s still worth it.

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What Can a Wife Do to Help Her Husband Get Over the Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are falling all over themselves trying to make amends. They say things like, “I’ll do anything to fix this. Just tell me what you need. I’ll prove to you every day how sorry I am.”

And yet, instead of bringing clarity, those kinds of promises can actually make things feel more confusing.

One wife recently put it like this: “He says he’ll do whatever it takes to help me heal. But what if I don’t even know what I need? I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know what I want from him. I don’t know where to even start.”

And I get that. Completely.

Because when you’re the one who’s been betrayed, it’s easy to feel like you’re stuck in a fog of pain, disbelief, and emotional exhaustion. You know you want to feel better. You might even still want your marriage. But figuring out how to get there? That’s the hard part.

Let’s break it down a bit.

You Don’t Have to Know What You Need Right This Second (And You’re Allowed to Change Your Mind:) When the wounds are still fresh, there’s often this unspoken pressure—especially when the cheating spouse is suddenly doing everything right—to make decisions quickly. You might feel like your husband is watching your every move, just waiting for instructions so he can “fix it.”

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to hand him a perfect roadmap right now.

And you definitely don’t have to know exactly what you want or need all in one sitting.

Healing is not linear. What brings you comfort one day may feel hollow the next. You’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to say, “I don’t know yet.” You’re allowed to say, “That helped last week, but now I need something different.”

This isn’t about being unpredictable. It’s about being honest. You’re reacting to something traumatic, and your emotions might shift as your understanding deepens. That’s normal. And you shouldn’t feel guilty for it.

Sometimes, You’ll Need to Help Him Help You: This sounds unfair, I know. You’re the one who was wronged. You shouldn’t have to teach someone how to be remorseful or how to rebuild your trust.

But sometimes—even with the best intentions—your husband truly won’t know what you need. And that’s especially true if you don’t know what you need yet either.

That’s why open (and ongoing) communication is important.

You can say:
“Right now, I need you to check in more so I don’t feel left in the dark.”
“I need you to answer my questions—even if they’re uncomfortable—because the unknown is worse than the truth.”
“I need to see that you’re doing real work on yourself, not just trying to rush me into forgiving you.”

It’s not about punishment. It’s about clarity.

It’s about showing him what rebuilding looks like for you.

What Do Most Wives Say They Need After the Affair?: While every marriage is different, I’ve heard some common themes over the years. Many wives say they want:

  • Transparency. Where is he? What is he doing? No secrets. No vague answers. No locked phones.

  • Accountability. Not just saying “I’m sorry” but showing it—over and over again. Through changed behavior. Through actions that match words.

  • Understanding. Not just rushing to fix it but actually sitting with how much this hurt you.

  • Prevention. What is he doing to make sure this never happens again? Is he willing to cut off all contact with the other person? Is he willing to get counseling?

Some couples benefit from therapy—either together or individually. Some wives feel safer having a neutral third party to help guide the conversations. Others prefer to take things slower and more privately.

There is no one-size-fits-all.

The important thing is that whatever path you take, you feel empowered and safe.

You’re Not Being “Difficult” For Having Needs: Let me be very clear on this: you don’t need to apologize for needing time, space, reassurance, answers, or anything else that helps you feel stable again.

You’re not being needy. You’re being human.

Yes, your husband may have a role to play in helping you heal. But it’s okay to admit that you’re not always sure how to direct him. It’s okay if your needs shift over time.

He says he’ll do anything? That’s great. But let him prove that by being patient, by showing up every day, and by understanding that this process doesn’t come with a checklist.

My Own Story? I Never Thought I’d Get Here: If you had asked me during the worst of it, I would’ve told you I’d never be okay again. I truly believed my marriage was over. And maybe a part of me felt like I was over, too.

But I healed. Not overnight. Not without tears. And not without setbacks.

But over time, we did the work. I got stronger. My self-worth came back. And, eventually, so did the marriage.

It’s not perfect. Nothing ever is. But it’s real. It’s honest. And I don’t live in fear anymore.

You can get there too.
But first, you need to give yourself permission to go at your own pace.

You don’t have to have all the answers today.
You just need to take the next honest step.

And if you want to read more of my personal story, you can find it at: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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How Can a Wife Tell Her Husband What She Needs After He Had an Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of women who are really struggling after their husband’s affair. Not just with the betrayal itself—which is gutting enough—but with figuring out what to do now.

They know they need certain things in order to heal. Things like real apologies, daily reassurance, some kind of sign that he actually gets it and is going to do better. But when it comes to saying those things out loud? That’s where it gets tricky.

One woman recently said to me, “I have a list in my head of all the things I need him to say or do. And I get frustrated when I don’t see any of it. But then he throws it back at me and says, ‘I’m not a mind reader.’ I want to tell him. I do. But I don’t even know how to say it. And a part of me feels like I shouldn’t even have to.”

Sound familiar? Because I hear some version of this all the time.

And honestly? I get it. When you’re the one who’s been betrayed, it feels backward to be the one who also has to guide the healing. It feels like you shouldn’t have to ask for what should already be obvious. But here’s the tough truth: if you don’t speak up, there’s a good chance you won’t get what you need.

And that’s not because your husband doesn’t care. It’s usually because he just doesn’t know. He may be full of guilt and confusion. He may be terrified of saying the wrong thing. He may honestly think he’s trying.

So, if you’re trying to find a way to tell your husband what you need after he cheated, here are some suggestions that may help—along with a few examples to make the conversation feel a little more doable.

Be Clear, Be Calm, and Add a Little “Why” So It Doesn’t Feel Like a Lecture: One of the biggest roadblocks I see is when a wife finally opens up—maybe even through tears or frustration—and the husband hears it as an attack. Suddenly, he’s defensive. She’s even more hurt. And instead of moving closer to healing, they’ve added another layer of distance.

That’s the opposite of what either of you wants.

So before you bring this up, try to wait for a moment when things are relatively calm. Not in the middle of an argument. Not when emotions are raw. Just a quiet moment where he’ll actually be able to hear you.

When you do speak, don’t just list your needs like a checklist. Add a little heart to it. Explain why you’re asking for what you’re asking.

For example, instead of just saying, “I need you to check in more,” you might say, “When you check in with me during the day, it helps me feel a little more grounded. It helps me feel like we’re still connected, and that I’m still important to you.”

It shifts the whole tone—from “You owe me this” to “Here’s how you can help me heal.”

Know What You Really Need—Not Just What You Think You Should Say: Before you even open your mouth, it helps to spend some quiet time figuring out what you actually need. Not what you think you should say. Not what you think sounds “reasonable.” But what’s actually sitting in your heart.

Ask yourself:

  • What would help me feel safer right now?

  • What would help me feel like he’s genuinely sorry?

  • What would give me a little peace of mind—today, this week, going forward?

Don’t judge yourself. Don’t tell yourself you’re being “too much.” You’re not. You’re responding to a deep hurt. That deserves compassion. Especially from yourself.

Once you’ve had a little time to think it through, then you can approach him.

Maybe you say something like:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about everything that’s happened. And I think there are some things you could do that might really help me feel more secure. Is now a good time to talk?”

That simple intro can make a big difference. It signals that this is something thoughtful—not just an emotional outburst. It helps him stay open instead of shutting down.

Spell It Out. Gently. And Be Specific: When he’s open and ready to listen, start small. Start honest. Maybe even start with something like:

“I want you to know that I am trying. I want to heal. I want to get through this. But I’m still carrying some really heavy stuff. And instead of holding it all in and growing resentful, I thought maybe I could just be honest about what I need.”

Then say what you need. As plainly as you can.

Here’s an example, using the common issue of trust:
“I wish I could just flip a switch and trust you again. I really do. But that’s not where I’m at yet. What might help, though, is if you’d come home right after work, check in a couple of times during the day, and carve out some time in the evenings just for us. If I see that we’re reconnecting, if it’s obvious that our marriage is your priority, I think that would go a long way in helping me feel safe again.”

See how that’s clear, but not blaming? It’s direct, but not angry. You’re not asking him to guess. You’re not asking for the impossible. You’re just saying: Here’s what would help. Can you meet me here?

This Works for Other Needs, Too: This same kind of conversation can apply to all the big things:

  • If you need more affection.

  • If you want him to explain what led to the cheating.

  • If you need to see actual changes—not just hear empty promises.

Each time, go back to those basics:

  • Be calm.

  • Be clear.

  • Add a little bit of “why.”

  • Make it about healing.

You deserve to feel supported. You deserve to feel like your pain matters. And honestly? If your husband truly wants to save the marriage, then he’ll want to know how to help you. But he’s got to know what that looks like. And that starts with you spelling it out—lovingly, honestly, and clearly.

I won’t pretend any of this is easy. It’s not. There was a time in my own life when I thought I’d never stop feeling broken by my husband’s affair. I honestly didn’t think we’d make it. But we did.

And I really believe that one of the turning points was when I stopped expecting him to read my mind—and started sharing, piece by piece, what I actually needed.

If you’d like to read more about how I eventually healed—and how we rebuilt something stronger than I thought possible—you can find the story here:
http://surviving-the-affair.com

Just remember: You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be real. That’s more than enough.

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How Does My Husband Not Remember Parts Of His Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who don’t believe their spouse’s claims that there are parts of his affair that he can’t vividly remember. Often, the faithful spouse believes that he is trying to be evasive or is out and out lying. They are often left wondering how to pull the facts out of him. Because there is usually very little doubt as to whether or not he has actually forgotten the facts.

Common comments are things like: “I want to know all of the details of my husband’s affair. I want to know everything. In fact, I demand to know every small, minute detail. But when he starts to tell me things and I begin to get upset and to ask more and more questions, that’s when he clams up and tells me that he doesn’t remember every small detail. To be honest, I had lunch with the other woman and she had many tales to tell me. But when I came home and confronted my husband with some of the details, he insisted that he did not remember some of them. I have no idea why the other woman would want to lie at this point. The cat is out of the bag. So I believe that it is my husband that is lying. I’ve told him that I’m going to be more angry if he withholds details from me than if he is just brutally honest. But it doesn’t do any good. No matter what I say or how many threats I throw at him, he still holds onto his “I don’t remember stance?” Is it possible that he has forgotten some of this? Or is he just a liar on top of being a cheater?”

I’ll tell you my take on this below, in terms of both my experience and based on many of the comments that I get about similar situations on my blog.

Your Spouse Might Be Legitimately Trying To Forget Past Events: I’m not going to try to convince you that your husband has legitimately forgotten details about the affair, especially when the events are so recent. But I do believe that he is probably very legitimately trying to forget and move on. Sometimes, he is hoping that you will be able to heal your marriage. And often, he believes that rehashing the past and going over all of the details with a fine tooth comb over and over again are only going to delay this process.

He May Be Trying To Protect You: I completely understand why you are so upset about this. I also understand wanting all of the sorted details, even when they hurt. I have been in this place. I know that uncovering all of the hurtful facts can almost become an obsession. But I also know that often, getting caught up in this cycle doesn’t help you to heal. In fact, it usually just  hurts you even more. It mires you down in tiny details that are going to be very hard for you to forget.

Your husband likely sees the hurt look on your face when he recounts these details. He often feels hurt and shame as the words come out of his mouth. So many of us assume that he’s trying to be sneaky or deceitful when he keeps the details from us. But quite honestly, sometimes, he is trying to protect us. Sure, it’s easier for him if all of the details don’t come out. But deep in his heart, he sometimes believes that it’s also easier for his wife not to hear about all of the painful facts.

How To Compromise: I know that it is very unrealistic to think that I am going to convince you to give up on wanting the details. You have a right to them. And I understand why you need them. At the same time, you can’t force the facts out of your husband. You can’t turn him upside down and shake him until the facts come spewing out.

But, perhaps you can compromise so that he is more comfortable and therefore willing sharing more details with you. Here’s what I’ve come to believe is the best way to handle this. He needs to understand that you need to know the details that are going to enable you to know what you are dealing with. You need to know the truth about: how the affair started; how long it’s duration was; what types of feelings were involved; what type of deception happened; and how likely it is to happen again. Notice that this is a very broad range and it encompasses many details.

But, now let me tell you what type of information can be destructive to seek out (and can be hard to get out of your spouse.) These are details like pet names called, sexual positions, perfume worn, etc.  You can probably come up with several similar examples of your own.  I understand wanting to know these minor details. Because I wanted them also. But do you know what they did for me? They only made me crazy when I smelled a certain perfume or saw a certain color. They didn’t help me heal at all.  I eventually gave up this quest and turned my focus toward myself.  That helped me tremendously.

So a suggested script might be something like: “we’re going to need to compromise on this. I need more details from you, but it’s obvious that you are uncomfortable with completely opening up. None of this process is going to be easy. But I need information so that I can get a clear picture of what happened. I need to know exactly what went wrong. Let’s start with the more straight forward questions for right now. Then, in the future, we can go further. But for tonight, this is what I most want to know.”

Don’t expect for him to tell you everything in one session. Get some information and then give it a couple of days before you ask again. And remember there is a difference between getting the information that you truly need and just wanting to churn the hurtful details about the affair to punish both of you. Always ask yourself if the information is going to ultimately be helpful and necessary or hurtful and unnecessary.

I truly do understand wanting the details.  But I have learned that no matter how many details you get, you will always still have some questions.  So try very hard to focus on what you most need and want to know.   With time and healing, the truth has a way of coming out.  And it is often better for you (and for your marriage) if you get all of the information gradually rather than all at once.  If it helps, you can read more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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How Can You Tell If He’s Truly Sincere About Saving the Marriage After the Affair? Here Are Some Signs

By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of wives who are struggling to make sense of their husband’s words after an affair. They want so badly to believe him when he says he’s sorry. When he says he still loves them. When he promises he’ll do “whatever it takes” to save the marriage.

But then they pause and ask, “How do I even know he means it?”

Because let’s be honest—this is the same man who looked you in the eye and lied while he was having the affair. So now that the truth is out, how are you supposed to just flip the switch and trust again?

It’s a question I get constantly.

Some wives will say things like, “He says he’s sorry. He says he’ll change. But how can I believe him when he was lying so easily before?” Or, “What if he’s only pretending to care to keep the family together or avoid a messy divorce?”

And honestly, those are valid fears. They’re not dramatic. They’re not paranoid. They’re rooted in pain—and in reality.

Because yes, people can and do say anything when the fallout from an affair is staring them in the face. Especially when they’re desperate not to lose everything.

But here’s what I usually tell wives who are in this situation: if you want a clearer picture of his sincerity, try to focus more on his actions than on his words.

Because words are easy. Actions require effort, consistency, and follow-through.

Real Change Isn’t Just a Speech. It’s a Pattern: When a man is truly serious about saving the marriage, that commitment shows up in how he shows up.

Yes, many husbands will make big promises in the early days after the affair comes to light. That initial panic can light a fire. But for some men, that fire burns out quickly when they realize this process won’t be fast or easy.

That’s where the separation starts to become clearer.

Because the men who are really sincere? They stay in it, even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when the trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. Even when you’re angry or distant or unable to smile at him without it feeling forced.

They don’t just apologize once and hope it’ll blow over. They keep showing up, because they know it’s going to take more than words to earn back what they broke.

That doesn’t mean they’ll do it perfectly. Some days, they’ll mess it up. They’ll get defensive. They’ll misread your cues. They’ll get frustrated.

But sincere men circle back. They regroup. They stay in the work.

They understand—whether you’ve said it or not—that you’re looking for more than a one-time “I’m sorry.”

You’re looking for consistency. Reassurance. Effort. Transparency. Accountability.

You’re looking for a pattern, not a performance.

Even Sincere Husbands Sometimes Struggle to Show It: Now, here’s the tricky part: some wives feel frustrated because their husband says he wants to save the marriage—but his behavior seems cold or distant.

He’s not exactly pouring on the affection or offering daily reassurances. In fact, he may seem withdrawn or hesitant.

And that feels like insincerity. I totally understand why.

But sometimes, when I speak to the husbands, I hear a different story.

They’ll tell me, “I am sorry. I do want to fix this. But I don’t know what to say anymore. Every time I try to talk to her, she’s angry. I’m afraid if I touch her or comfort her, she’ll think I’m being manipulative. I feel like a monster.”

In other words: some husbands shut down not because they don’t care, but because they’re afraid of doing more damage.

Now, to be clear, this doesn’t excuse him from the work. But it can explain why he’s not coming across the way you need him to.

That’s why communication is critical.

Because if you need him to do specific things to help you believe in his sincerity—if you want him to go to counseling, check in regularly, show you affection, answer your questions honestly, or take real responsibility—it’s OK to tell him.

Actually, I’d argue that it’s necessary.

Telling Him What You Need Doesn’t Let Him Off the Hook—It Sets the Stage for Healing: I completely understand why many wives resist the idea of having to ask for what they need after an affair.

They’ll say, “Why should I have to guide him through this? He’s the one who cheated!”

And they’re right—he should be doing the heavy lifting.

But here’s the thing. Sometimes husbands simply don’t know how to show what you need to see. They think they’re helping, and it’s falling completely flat.

That’s why telling him clearly—“Here’s what I need to even begin believing you”—isn’t weakness. It’s clarity.

And once you’ve told him, he can’t claim he didn’t know. He’s been given the opportunity to step up—or not.

It’s Not About Perfection. It’s About Effort Over Time: So, how do you tell if he’s sincere?: You look at what he does after the dust settles. After the initial panic fades. When the conversations get hard and raw and awkward.

You see if he’s still standing beside you. If he’s still choosing this marriage.

And maybe most of all—you watch for the ways he tries, stumbles, and tries again.

Because a man who’s just trying to avoid divorce will give up when things get uncomfortable.

But a man who’s truly sincere? He won’t run just because it’s hard.

I had to ask my husband for what I needed more than once. And it didn’t always come easily. But slowly, I began to see him trying—not just for show, but because he really wanted to make things right.

And two years later, I can tell you this: our marriage is stronger than it’s ever been.

I didn’t think that was even possible at one point.

But I worked on myself. He worked on himself. And together, we worked on us.

It wasn’t easy. But it was worth it.

You can read the full story of how we made it through at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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He Cheated. I Survived. I’m Not the Same—And That’s Okay.

By: Katie Lersch: I used to think that if my husband ever cheated, I’d leave. No second chances. No looking back. No hesitation.

I had this black-and-white view of betrayal. If you love someone, you don’t cheat. Period. And if they do cheat, you walk. With your dignity intact.

But then it happened to me.

And suddenly, all the clean lines I thought I had drawn—every boundary I thought I’d enforce—went fuzzy. And messy. And gray.

Because love doesn’t just disappear the moment trust breaks. I wish it did. That would make things so much easier.

Instead, what I felt was more complicated. I felt rage, yes. But I also felt heartbreak. I felt numb. I felt panic. And then—confusingly—I felt moments of softness, of aching familiarity, of wondering if maybe we could get back to what we once had.

Survival Mode Isn’t Healing: In the beginning, I just wanted to get through the day.

Eat something. Sleep for more than two hours at a time. Stop checking my phone for messages I knew I shouldn’t be reading. Stop playing detective and start breathing again.

They don’t tell you this, but surviving infidelity is like trying to rebuild your house while you’re still living in the wreckage. You’re trying to make decisions when your brain is scrambled, your emotions are raw, and your heart feels like it doesn’t know which way is up.

I went through all the phases: obsession, rage, sadness, numbness, curiosity, false hope, and disappointment. Sometimes I cycled through all of them before noon.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped spinning. Not because everything magically got better. Not because he suddenly became the perfect husband. But because I started shifting.

And not in the way people think.

I Didn’t “Get Over It.” I Grew Through It: I wish I could tell you that one day I woke up and said, “Okay! I’m healed now.” But healing didn’t show up with a banner or a ceremony. It was quiet. Subtle.

It looked like me going for walks again. It looked seeking out solid self-help from experts and writing down how I really felt—without sugarcoating it, without trying to be the “cool wife” or the “strong one.” Just honest. Raw. Unfiltered.

Little by little, I started choosing me. Not in a selfish way, but in a necessary one. I stopped trying to be the version of myself that made him stay. And started becoming the version of myself that made me proud.

Because here’s the truth: the affair broke something. Yes. But not just my trust in him.

It also broke the version of me that thought being “good enough” would protect me from pain.

I’m Not the Same. But I’m Stronger: I get asked sometimes by women who find me online—if I ever “got back to normal.” If I ever became the old me again.

And the answer is no. I didn’t. And honestly? I don’t want to.

Because the old me tolerated things that this version of me would never accept. The old me stayed quiet to keep the peace. The old me gave the benefit of the doubt even when doubt was screaming for attention.

This version of me doesn’t need to be liked all the time. She doesn’t tiptoe around other people’s discomfort. She doesn’t mistake loyalty for self-sacrifice.

I may not be the same—but I’m real. I’m rooted. And I’m done apologizing for the way healing changed me.

Staying or Leaving Isn’t Really the Point: Let me say this plainly: I’m not here to tell you whether to stay or go. Some people stay, and they build something new—stronger, deeper, more honest. Some people leave, and that’s the bravest thing they’ll ever do.

What matters most is that you make the choice from clarity, not chaos.

That you stop asking, “How do I keep him?” and start asking, “What do I need to feel whole again?”

Because no matter what happens to your marriage, you still have you. And that relationship—the one you have with yourself—is the foundation for everything else.

When I started treating myself like someone worth fighting for, everything else got clearer. My boundaries got stronger. My mind got quieter. I started to trust myself again.

And weirdly enough, that’s when the power dynamic shifted. I wasn’t begging for crumbs of reassurance anymore. I wasn’t afraid of losing someone who had already let me down.

I wasn’t surviving anymore. I was evolving.

You Don’t Owe Anyone a Polished Ending: One more thing? You don’t have to have it all figured out.

You don’t have to smile through it or tie it up with a neat little bow for anyone else’s comfort. You’re allowed to be messy. Angry. Hopeful. Heartbroken. Still undecided.

You’re allowed to cry in the shower and feel strong the next hour. You’re allowed to love him and hate what he did.

There is no timeline for healing. No checklist that says, “Okay, you’re done now.” But if you’re still standing, still breathing, still searching for your own voice?

You’re already healing more than you realize.

The Takeaway (And One Tool That Helped): If you’re in the middle of this pain, let me remind you of something you probably forgot:

You are still whole.
You are still worthy.
And you don’t have to go back to who you were before to be okay again.

I used some excellent self-help during the lowest part of my journey. Not because it fixed everything—but because it gave me structure when my brain was scattered and my heart felt like mush. It helped me stop spiraling and start processing. Quietly. Honestly. On my terms.

Whether you use that or something else, just don’t let your healing wait for someone else to change. You deserve to heal now. With or without him.

Because yes—he cheated.
Yes—you survived.
And yes—you’re different now.

But trust me… that’s not just okay.
That’s power.

If you want to read about how I healed after the affair, I share that here

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