Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s not optimal when your husband, who is already in great trouble due to his cheating, can’t seem to be discrete about the fall-out from the same. As if an affair or cheating isn’t a painful enough scenario for a wife to have to deal with, many wives have to juggle much more. In some cases, the wife is now dealing with people who are now interested in the state of her marriage because her husband blabbed about the struggles of that same marriage.

A wife might say, “I will admit that my husband’s life hasn’t been great since I caught him cheating on me. I gave him no time to explain himself. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve told him all along that cheating was a dealbreaker, and he cheated anyway. So I kicked him out pretty quickly. He’s saying with his family, and he’s telling any one of them who will listen that I’m heartless and unyielding. His sister called me yesterday and tried to argue his case. It made me furious. Of course, he has downplayed what he did. To me, his affair makes every behavior of mine justified. There’s nothing he can do or say where he comes out as this good guy in this. However, he seems to want me to take some of the blame, and not only do I refuse, but I greatly resent that he’d even allow his mind to go there. I have no fault in this whatsoever. And he’s got another thing coming if he believes I’m going to sit silently and let him say whatever he wants. At the same time, I don’t want to spend my time and energy defending myself. This is only injuring me more and making my resentment larger.”

I agree that it takes too much energy and effort to talk about your marriage to others. This is a time when you need to protect yourself and your own well-being as much as possible. You don’t need any extra things to deal with.

Know When to Draw a Protective Line Around Yourself:

When I dealt with infidelity, someone gave me what I found to be good advice for my situation, and I’ll share it here. What worked for me may not work for you, so keep that in mind. But I was told that it’s best not to unload on mutual friends or family because you can’t be sure how things will look six months to a year down the road.

At that point, I’d already told a couple of people. But from that day on, I kept much of my marital issues to myself, and some of the people who I told just could not let it go later, so I regret sharing personal matters with some. Those people still bring up the affair even as I’ve long moved past it. So telling them actually prolonged my pain.

That said, I found it helpful to talk to people who didn’t know my husband. Those people could therefore be completely neutral and only wanted to help me. But I wasn’t able to say this about the mutual family and friends who did know both of us. For those folks, I would tell them that while I appreciated them pulling for me, I’d prefer to talk about something other than my marriage.

Understand What Your Husband’s Trying to Gain By Involving Others:

I am not going to tell you that your husband doesn’t deserve your wrath. He does. But I think it can help you deal with his behavior if you understand the motivations behind it. It’s possible that he’s relying on other people to get your attention on his behalf since he’s not having much success on his own. In other words, he thinks that having others go to bat for him might help him get back into your good graces. Yes, his logic is definitely flawed. But he may feel desperate because your actions have made your feelings very clear and things don’t look good for him.

Understanding this doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to your anger and frustration. You absolutely do. But understanding his motivations might make it easier for you to let other people’s opinions roll off you. Putting your marriage up for debate from others is emotionally exhausting, and you’d be well within your rights to take the high road and refuse to engage with that.

If it feels wrong not to defend yourself, you can try something vague like, “Clearly, he hasn’t told you the whole story. And you won’t hear it from me. But, not surprisingly, I deny fault and that’s all I’m going to say about it. What do you say we talk about something else?”

Then change the subject. I always found it helpful to make it clear that I was more than willing to talk about other things. I didn’t want to lose the support of my family and friends. I just didn’t want to talk to them about my marriage. That said, I made sure that I had other places where I could go for support because everyone needs an outlet.

Not wanting others to talk about your marriage doesn’t mean that you don’t want to still foster the relationships. It just means that you don’t want the relationship contingent on discussions about your marriage. That’s a private matter between you and your husband. Admittedly, he’s chosen to take it public, but that doesn’t mean that you need to take the bait.

You can choose to rise above it and protect yourself from having to always explain and defend. In your heart, you know that you aren’t the one who cheated and aren’t the one at fault. You shouldn’t need to repeatedly defend it. This takes too much energy and emotion at a time when both are running low.

Set the ground rules and then go right back to making yourself the priority. The people close to you will eventually get the message. You may choose to confide in some people and not in others, but the choice should be yours.

Right now, you should be free to focus on your own healing and not caring what other people think.  If it helps, you can read about my healing at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Cheating Husband is Telling Everyone That Our Struggling Marriage is My Fault

By: Katie Lersch: There are many reactions a wife might have to her husband’s cheating. It’s not uncommon to act in a way that you think might be uncharacteristic of you. Normally stoic wives might momentarily feel as if they’ve lost their minds. Wives who are normally even-tempered may become obsessed with revenge.  

But one unexpected reaction that seems to surprise wives more than others is desire. This often catches a wife off guard. Why in the world would she want to be intimate with a husband who has been intimate with someone else?

A wife in this situation might say, “Part of my reaction to my husband’s cheating is both confusing and somewhat disturbing to me. I am furious with him, of course. And I’m going through all of the other emotions that I’d expect to feel, like shock, sadness, and anger. But another emotion that I’m feeling is desire. I almost initiated sex with him last night. And today, I almost hate myself for it. I have no idea what came over me, or why in the world I’d even consider it. What is wrong with me that I’d even consider having sex with this man so soon after I found out that he was cheating? I’m almost ashamed of myself, even though I’m not the one who has done anything wrong.”

There is nothing wrong with you. And believe it or not, this is not an uncommon reaction. I have some theories as to why it happens, and I’ll discuss them below in the hopes that they might make you feel a little bit better.  

There’s No Perfect Response to a Cheating Spouse: 

There is no right or wrong response to finding out that your husband is cheating. You’re justified in feeling whatever you feel, and you can have very contradictory emotions. This doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. It just means that you are trying to process this. 

A Desire to Stake your Claim: 

I believe it’s possible that even as we’re absolutely furious with our husbands and may even question if we want to stay married to him, we might also have an innate desire to stake our claim. After all, just a short time ago, we believed he was solely ours. And now, we may begin to doubt that, even if we aren’t sure that we still want him.

A Desire to Feel Desired:  

I can tell you firsthand that your self-esteem can take a beating when you find out your husband has been cheating. His infidelity can feel like a rejection. So having sex with him can be a way to prove to yourself that you are still very desirable.

A Grab for Power: 

In the same way that sex can be an affirmation for feeling desired, it can also have power. Holding sexual desire over your husband can make you feel like you still have some power over him at a time when you might feel powerless.

A Need to Reconnect:  

Even if you aren’t sure what you want to do tomorrow or next week, it can be impossible to completely turn off your feelings for this man. Even the deepest fury doesn’t ensure that your emotions just dissipate. It might make life easier if they did. But they don’t. Sometimes, even beneath the anger, there is a desire to connect outside of the hurt. 

Deciding Where to Go From Here:  

There are no rules that I can recite for you in this situation. Everyone is different. Some people are able to separate sex and the health of the relationship. Other people think that having sex with him now would mean condoning his behavior or would make recovery confusing. 

There is no right or wrong answer. There is just what is right or wrong for you. In my own case, I felt that sex would just confuse and complicate things. And so I took it off of the table while we were in recovery.  

I knew that if I had sex with my husband before I recovered, I would simply be thinking about the other woman the entire time. And bad sex during recovery would just make me more confused and discouraged.

Yet, I know some people who never paused their sex life during recovery. They were completely able to separate the sex and the recovery. And that worked for them because both people were clear that having sex didn’t mean that their problems were solved. If you can do this and both people feel fine about it, then you won’t get any lectures from me.  

That said, I believe that self-care is very important after infidelity. Give yourself permission to do the things that make you feel cared for. It helps to be very clear on what you’re going to need to heal and to then make no apologies for going after those things until you get them.

Sex doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t have rehabilitation in front of him. It hopefully doesn’t mean that you’ll sidestep recovery. It’s completely up to you as to whether you want to act on this desire, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up for having it. I believe that it’s normal and understandable. 

I had the desire too. But I waited to act on it. That was just what felt right to me at the time. You can read more about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Do I Want to Have Sex with My Cheating Spouse? What in the World is Wrong With Me?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from faithful wives who have sat down to write letters to their unfaithful husbands. Some of them can’t even bring themselves to form the words. Others find that they have no problem of filling page after page with the onslaught of feelings that are pouring out of them. 

Still, no matter what experience the faithful wife might have, she is sometimes unsure if she should even bother to write, much less to give, the letter to her husband. She can wonder if it will make one bit of difference. Perhaps it will make things worse?

A wife might say, “Ever since I found out that my husband has been cheating on me, I’ve been writing in a journal. It’s the only thing that has kept me from going crazy. It is the only way I can release what I am really feeling without burdening those close to me. It is the only way I can express the depth of my pain without sounding too severe. For the past couple of days, I’ve taken passages out of my journal and used them to write letters to my husband. I am debating giving him one of them. As it stands, we aren’t communicating. I can’t look at him without feeling hatred, and he says he’ll be walking on eggshells for the rest of his life around me. He looks at me like I’m unhinged lately. And maybe I am. I’m wondering if giving him one of these letters will make things worse or help me express myself to him for once. Is it worth it to try?”

I definitely think that a carefully-worded letter has its place. And I most certainly support journal writing. I’ll tell you my take on letters below. But before I do, I want to say that I know you’re hurting, and you’re doing what you think will make you feel better. Please keep doing that. If there was ever a time for extreme self-care, it’s now. Always give yourself permission to take care of yourself.

Try to Avoid Repeating What You’ve Already Said In Person: 

You’ve already seen how journal writing is helping you to define and release your feelings. Keep doing that. But don’t use the letter to your husband in the same way. 

If you do, the written word won’t be much different than the spoken word. You’ll basically be yelling at him in writing instead of in person. And what good does that do?

Now, if you are having trouble getting out what you want to say in person or you can’t effectively express your words, then by all means use the written word if it helps you to articulate what you can’t say in person.

But avoid repeating the same points you’ve been making in person on paper. Otherwise, you run the risk of churning the same problems, but not really addressing them.

A Letter Can Be Useful if You Keep Your End-Game in Mind: 

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t want to use the letter to simply unleash on your husband and tell him what an unredeemable human being he is if you have even a little bit of an inkling that you might want to repair your marriage one day.

You have every right to be angry, and you don’t have to pretend that you aren’t. (Who would believe you anyway?) But you don’t want to repeatedly say things that you can’t take back if you are still even a little bit invested in your marriage – or might be in the future. 

Remember, that you are putting this in writing. It can’t be debated. There will always be a record of what you’ve said. He can always go back and reference it.

I’m in no way saying that he doesn’t deserve your wrath. But I’m saying that you want to think about your objective before you write anything.

Remember that you’re going to get a reaction. And that reaction is going to either move you forward or delay you. I’m not telling you to put a positive spin on something that is negative. But I am suggesting that think about where you want to be in a month or two from now when you sit down to write this letter. 

Follow Up With Action:  

Assuming that you are writing this letter because you want to move forward with at least some positivity, don’t stop with putting your words to paper.

Yes, this can be a great way to open the door. But without following up your words with action, you run the risk of your words being empty. If you decide to give him the letter, ask yourself some of the things that you might do to follow it up to make this situation better. 

Make a list. And choose an item from that list every day or two and work on each item. That way, your letter has teeth and accomplishes what you want it to do. 

Don’t misunderstand me. I think letters, when well thought out, are great. They can say the things that you will struggle to say in person. But make sure that what you say is actually constructive and will make your situation feel better in the long term.

Yes, it feels great to release your anger and to just let it rip. But that’s what your journal is for. Use your journal as a way to release and express your feelings. Use your letter as a stepping point to action. 

I did write a letter or two after my husband’s affair, especially in the beginning when I was struggling to express myself calmly. We’d often interrupt one another, and a letter allowed me to avoid that problem. But thankfully, I knew I’d need much more than words on paper to heal my marriage. Over time, I found those healing things and pursued them. You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

Never give up until you have what you know you need. You deserve nothing less. 

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on A Letter to My Unfaithful Husband. Will It Make Any Difference?

By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest things wives want to know about after an affair is the details of regret. Many wives consider remorse and regret to be the two biggest factors when deciding whether to try to remain married.

And many wives don’t just wonder IF he felt regret, they want to know WHEN he felt it. For them, the timing of the remorse can be indicative of its sincerity.

Someone might say: “My husband doesn’t want to talk too much about his affair. I have to pull all of the details out of him. Over time, I have come to believe that he regrets the affair. But I am worried about when he regrets it. Because he carried on with this woman for several weeks until I caught him. So although he says he felt guilty and broken up about it, I honestly never saw any signs of that. If I hadn’t stumbled onto his cheating, I might never have known. He didn’t act particularly different. So all his claims of being conflicted seem doubtful to me. Rather, I worry that he’s now remorseful simply because I caught him. I worry that if I’d never find out, he’d still be blissfully cheating on me today. How do I know when he felt remorse?”

I understand why this is important to you. I’ve been through infidelity, and I suspect that you perceive if he felt remorse right away, that would indicate that he still had feelings and empathy toward you, which would make things slightly better right now.

I’m definitely going to tell you my take on this. But before I do, keep in mind that everyone is different. I’m going to be speaking in generalizations and about what I’ve experienced and observed. But that doesn’t mean everything I say will be true for you.

I Believe Most Men Feel Remorse Quickly:

I’ve talked to quite a few people who have actively cheated. Because of what happened to me and the fact that I write about this, I am always looking for insights and data. I can only speak from my own observations here, but I do find that most men will tell you that they regretted it nearly the second (or shortly after) they crossed a line.

If you have trouble believing that, think about how you would feel if you cheated on your spouse. Even if the situation was exciting or novel. How would you feel as you were driving home to your spouse? How would you feel if you had to deceive your spouse afterward? No matter how alluring you might find the other person, would you not be overcome with guilt?

I know that I would. I know that some people are thinking, “Yes, but men are different than women.” Sure, some men may be different than some women.

But I have a hard time believing that if you put years of effort into a relationship, you can completely turn off the feelings and promises of commitment within that relationship. You might try because feeling guilty feels awful. But it would still nag at you. That said, I have another point to make.

People Who are Carrying Out Affairs Often Actively Quiet the Guilty Voices in Their Heads:

Put yourself back into the scenario of cheating with the cheating. Let’s say you feel guilty, but somehow or another, you continue on. There are only a few ways that this is possible without being overcome by guilt. You must find a way to justify it to yourself.

So you’ll tell yourself that no one will know, so therefore, no one will get hurt. You’ll tell yourself that you’ll break this off soon. You’ll pretend that there are issues in your relationship that justify what you’ve done.

In short, you’ll play all sorts of mind games with yourself until you can start to believe these lies you’re telling yourself so you can carry on.

I believe this is why some spouses can come off as a bit indignant when confronted about the affair. They are so well-practiced at justification, the lies begin to flow, even to themselves.

I do not tell you this to defend your spouse. I am just trying to offer some perspective.

The More Important Question:

I do understand why you want to know how soon he felt remorse, but unless you can look back into time and into his mind, this exact knowledge won’t be possible – unless you trust that he is telling you the truth.

My point is, you might not ever know the exact moment he felt remorse. Since he was likely trying to push it down, he may not even know the precise timing himself.

I believe what is most important is whether he is remorseful now. And I mean deeply, and genuinely remorseful where he understands exactly what he has done and how deeply he may have damaged your marriage.

Spouses who feel this type of deep remorse are eventually much more proactive in doing their part to help you recover. I have heard people say that they didn’t know the mess they made until they saw their spouse’s reaction, and then they were broken.

I would argue that this response is every bit as legitimate and even as desirable as the spouse who felt immediate remorse. What matters is how deeply he feels it now and how motivated he is to try to fix the damage he has done.

He needs to understand the depth of the damage so that he is never, ever tempted to do this again. I believe that this is just as effective no matter when it happens. But it needs to be real – and not lip service or just saying the words he thinks you want to heal until this blows over.

A husband who feels deep remorse can become a very good husband in the future because he becomes very conscious of how close he came to losing everything due to his foolishness. So that often makes him even more motivated to give you the marriage he knows you deserve in the future.

Again, I can only tell you about what I’ve experienced, but I believe I have benefitted from this type of remorse.  Without it, I don’t know if I’d still be married.  You can read more about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Soon After Cheating Did My Husband Regret It?

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives doubt their husband’s sincerity after he cheated or had an affair.

They doubt that the affair is over.

They doubt that the feelings weren’t serious.

They doubt that he is still invested in the marriage, no matter what he might say.

And sometimes, these doubts go even further. The wife thinks that not only does he no longer want to be in the marriage, but he’s only in the marriage out of a sense of obligation. 

Sometimes, the wife has some issue that she feels ties her husband to her whether he likes it or not.

In these types of instances, she can feel like a burden.

She might say, “To my husband’s credit, he admitted the affair right away. He also apologized, and he has given me most, but not all, of the information that I have asked for.”

” I suppose that I am going to have to trust him when he says that it’s over. I’m not really in the position to go snooping and following him around. But sometimes I sense that he is miserable to be stuck with me. I have a medical condition that requires me to live with someone. I also haven’t been able to work up to my potential, so I am somewhat dependent on my husband’s income. Therefore, I feel like he thinks he is stuck with me whether he likes it or not.”

“Even if he wants to be with the other woman, he likely feels like he can’t. This should give me a touch of relief, but it doesn’t. I feel like a burden. I try very hard to limit what I ask of my husband. But sometimes it can’t be avoided. So now I’m trying to get over the affair along with feeling like an obligation that my husband can’t avoid. How do I get past this?”

First of all, I want to say that I at least know how you are feeling regarding the affair. It is a betrayal that can make you doubt many aspects of yourself. And I suspect that you may be experiencing a little bit of that right now.

If He Truly Didn’t Want to Stay, He Likely Wouldn’t:

I understand why you are feeling unsure, but I can share something with you which I hope helps, just a touch.

I’ve dialogued with many wives from many backgrounds who are struggling with infidelity. Some of them had husbands who weren’t going to stay no matter what. 

I’ve seen people with handicapped kids whose dad left because of an affair.  

I’ve seen spouses leave the other spouse penniless because they had to be with their affair partner.

The point I’m trying to make is this: If your husband truly didn’t want to stay with you, he wouldn’t. 

Sure, he may make of a show of staying at first. But eventually, very few people are going to do what they truly don’t want to do.

Yes, he may be frustrated with your medical situation. He may feel helpless to help you.

He may be angry at the mess he has made.

But generally speaking, people don’t act against their own desires and best interests for the long term.

Evaluating What is Actually True: 

I am going to be vulnerable for a second and tell you that I was sure my husband didn’t actually find me attractive after his affair.

And this was when I was arguably younger, thinner, etc. This was at a time when I can look back and say I wasn’t unattractive in the least.

But I felt like I was. 

My point is that sometimes we project our own fears onto the situation.

Our fear contributes to us seeing a reality that doesn’t exist. But we risk making that reality the truth.

If I say to my husband, “How could you be attracted to me with all this cellulite on my legs?”, I’m actually drawing his attention where I don’t want it. 

Eventually, he is going to look down at my legs. I’ve not only brought his attention to it, but I risk a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I say, “Why would you want to be with me?” over and over again, then eventually, my husband might just start to ask himself that very question.

He might suspect that I know that there is something wrong with me when actually there is nothing wrong. I’m only afraid.

Do you see where I’m going?  

If you think you are a burden, you may act like one.

And if you act like one, you may alter the outcome that you want and deserve.

Changing Your Thought Process to Escape a Losing Equation:

So, let’s look at the equation that we have.

Your husband is likely still with you because, somewhere in his heart, he wants to be.

But you feel like a burden, and this may negatively shift your behavior.

Does this equal the best outcome that you could have?

It only does if you can stop trying to convince yourself that you’re a burden.

Let me ask you this. If your husband had a medical issue, would you willingly step up for him? I suspect you would.  

We’ve all promised to love our spouse in sickness and in health.  

So I think you can separate the affair and feelings of being a burden into two separate issues.

I also think that it would greatly benefit you to work on your confidence.

I did this after my husband’s affair, and it helped tremendously. It meant that when he told me he wanted to stay in our marriage, I believed him.

I believed that I was worth it. I believed that he would be crazy not to try to make it work with me.

And as a result, I was able to invest in my marriage again.

Please don’t sell yourself short. You deserve much better than that. And you shouldn’t hesitate to seek out the healing that will erase these negative thoughts.

I know the negative thoughts can be overwhelming after an affair, but you have to learn how to silence them so you can focus on moving forward.  You can read more about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Ever Since My Husband Had an Affair, I Feel Like a Burden. 

By: Katie Lersch: Quite understandably, two of the biggest questions that wives have when evaluating whether their marriage stands a chance after infidelity is:

1. How did my husband feel about the other woman while cheating, and
2. How does he still feel about her today?

After all, if he is still carrying a torch, it is going to be very difficult to restore the marriage with any confidence. 

Of course, men don’t usually come right out and tell you how they really feel.

In fact, they usually deny they feel anything. But no one wants to accept this for an answer.

So wives wait. And they watch. And they come up with their own theories.

The Wife who Thinks her Husband Felt Genuine Affection for the Other Woman: One very common scenario looks at the husband’s actions and behaviors and assumes that he has genuine affection or love for the other woman.

She might say, “My husband refuses to disclose how he feels about the woman he cheated on me with. It is like pulling teeth to get him to talk about her at all. But I make it very clear that if he has any hope of saving this marriage, then he’d better talk to me. And he’d better be honest. Still, he doesn’t say much. He’ll only give vague answers. But sometimes I think his wistful expressions and the longing in his eyes give him away. On the rare occasions that I get him to talk about her, the tone in his voice or the look on his voice is one of admiration and affection. I don’t think this is my imagination. When I ask him about this, he says the relationship only lasted for weeks, so how can he feel anything? That’s not exactly true. It was a few months. But still. Is it possible that my husband has genuine affection for this woman?”

I definitely have an opinion about this, although some are going to disagree with me. And I hope to make this crystal clear below.

Men Manufacture all Sorts of Feelings To Justify their Behavior: At our most basic level, nearly all of us can play mind games with ourselves to talk ourselves into doing what we know we shouldn’t do, but suspect that we want to do.

In my own case, I know I am trying to eat healthier, but if I’m sitting with a group of friends with a delicious pizza to share, you can bet I’m going to tell myself that, since this is a special occasion, I’ll eat some salad and enjoy just one slice of pizza.

I know that on Sundays I like to tidy up and start the week with a clean house, but if the Super Bowl is on, that doesn’t happen very often, so my house can stay a mess.

Do you see my point? We’ll all tell ourselves that our actions aren’t so bad if there is something “special” on the other side of that. 

It is the exact same deal for infidelity.

Men will tell themselves that there is something special either about the period of time or about the woman to justify the affair.

They often do not do this consciously.

So if you call him on it, he is going to deny it.

But he will often tell himself that:

• there is no time like the present because he’s not getting any younger.
• there is just something about the other woman, or
• there is just something about the relationship.

That doesn’t mean that these things are true, or that he will believe this in two weeks from now.

It just means that he may have told himself this AT THE TIME.

Consider the Length of the Relationship: I’m going to be honest and tell you that, since I have dealt with this myself, I usually see things from the perspective of the faithful spouse.

Still, I will try to be objective here. 

 I have seen affairs that last for decades, and I suppose that I would have to admit that in these cases, the couple may well feel something like the love that you have after you’ve been in a long-term relationship.

Generally speaking, if there were no positive, lasting aspects of the relationship, it would have survived for that long.

But in this case, we are talking about a very short period of time.

Your husband could have told himself that the sky was purple, but that doesn’t make it so.

And, in my mind, it was very unlikely that one is going to develop real, long-standing feelings in that short of a period of time.

These two people just cannot know one another in the deep way that comes from being in a romantic relationship – through good times and through bad – for a long period of time. 

She can’t have what you have in this case – there just wasn’t enough time.

Consider the Context: Along those same lines, people in affairs are not worried about the car line, the laundry, and the bills.

So if your husband walked out the door tomorrow to go and be with this other woman, statistics tell us that the chances are very good that this relationship would burn itself out the closer to act real-life that it gets.

In other words, as time passes, the fantasy ends and reality comes to light.

I understand why you are worried about it. But think about this way:

He ended it. Yes, he may have facial expressions and behaviors that you can’t quite figure out.  

But he is there with you. If things had been so wonderful, and there’d been so much affection, would he be willing to sit there with you?

If she were so great, wouldn’t he move heaven and earth to be there with her instead?

I know that sometimes your thoughts become pessimistic and full of doubt, but hang in there and remember all that YOU have to offer. If it helps, you can read about how I navigated this myself at https://surviving-the-affair.com 

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Do Men Have Genuine Affection for the Women they Cheat on their Wives With?

By: Katie Lersch: One of the most fleeting things after the discovery of an affair is intimacy. And I’m not talking about physical intimacy. Because one could understand why physical intimacy would be difficult. 

No, I’m talking about emotional intimacy – feeling somewhat close to your spouse, even if you’re angry with him. With emotional intimacy, you know that you are on the same team, even if things are rough right now. That’s often gone missing after an affair. 

A wife might say, “My husband seemed to have genuine remorse after I caught him cheating. And this was the first time I’ve caught him doing something so awful. So I really was going to give him the benefit of the doubt. And then I just felt like it wasn’t completely over. So I confronted him about this, and he admitted that he’d been ‘talking only’ to the other woman. He stressed that they would never see one another again. I told him that talking was also off-limits, and he got very sulky about this. But eventually, he gave in. I thought that once he didn’t have her in his life anymore, he would begin to come around, and our lives would start to feel normal again. But I was wrong. He’s still incredibly distant. In fact, he’s almost mean to me as if I am the one who did something wrong. Or that I am the one who was caught. Why is he acting like this? And what can I do to stop it?”

I know that this behavior is frustrating. And I definitely have some theories about why he is doing this. Once I go over some of the theories, I’ll suggest what you might try to stop it.

He’s Frustrated with Himself: Many wives in this situation assume that their husband is angry with them. But the most likely source of his anger is himself. He knows that he messed up.

And now he knows that he’s got a long road ahead of him to rebuild your trust. Almost no one would welcome this situation. And worse, he knows that it is all his fault. So yes, he may be a bit salty about the hole he’s dug for himself.

He’s Annoyed that the Affair Didn’t Reach a Natural End: I have dialogued with many men who’ve had affairs (including my own spouse.) Most of them will tell you very sincerely that they planned to end the affair.

They’ll claim that they didn’t need for their wives to give them an ultimatum or to offer up threats. They were going to end this all on their own (or so they think.) So when they get into a situation where you’ve forced their hand, they can resent it. 

He Doesn’t Welcome the Scrutiny: Most people know that they deserve the distrust that they’re getting after an affair. They know that if the roles were reversed, they would be watching you just as closely as you are watching them.

Still, it doesn’t make the situation feel any better. No one wants to feel like the wrong-doer all of the time. But that is the situation that he has created for himself. 

He’s Embarrassed and Ashamed: Although this one is sort of self-explanatory, try to think of this from your husband’s point of view. He’s been caught committing the worst infraction of his marriage. So now you know all about his dirty deeds and, even worse, you are watching closely for him to do something else.

Not only that, but the other woman is going to figure out that he’s being kept on a short leash. She’s going to know that his wife is the boss in this since he’s doing what the boss says. For many men, that’s quite embarrassing and emasculating.

He Doesn’t Want to be in a Position of Groveling: Many husbands keep their distance after an affair because they know that if they get close to you, you’re going to have certain expectations of them. In other words, they’re now the second-class citizen in this marriage, and they are expected to act as such. Although many husbands accept that they deserve this, it doesn’t mean that they like it. So they distance themselves, thinking that it will limit the fallout.

What You Can Do About It: What you can do about this is tricky because there is really no way to convince your husband that you will be respectful towards him other than to just try to act that way.

At the same time, it’s often an unfortunate fact that he deserves some of the treatment that he is getting. To pretend he doesn’t serves no one. You’ll need to have some potentially uncomfortable conversations so you can figure out what went wrong and you can fix it.

Skipping over that process may prolong your healing. You can’t pretend that you’re not disappointed with and frustrated. That wouldn’t be fair.

Unfortunately, you both may have to accept that this process just takes time. 

Try to Consider His Behavior Now: When he allows himself to be vulnerable and tries to get close to you, try not to punish him. Acknowledge his vulnerability if you can. Try to put yourself in his shoes if it’s at all possible. 

I know you likely wouldn’t cheat. But what if you found yourself being repeatedly scrutinized and even rejected? How would it feel? Not very good, right?

As a result, would you want to distance yourself from the situation that made you feel that way? Of course you would.

I’m not saying that you need to suddenly be nice to your spouse or to welcome him with open arms. You are under no obligation to rush the healing process.

I’m suggesting that you try to treat each other with dignity and respect. You may need to give each other some time.

It helps to know that when you begin to heal, he’ll often stop being so distant. When he knows that it is safer to try to get close to you, then you may see that distance gap begin to close.  

Again though, don’t feel pressured to act in a way that feels rushed or forced. Know that this is a process, and it is sometimes going to be uncomfortable for both of you until you make a little more progress.

With patience and determination, progress usually comes. And when it does, the distance should begin to wane. 

Don’t give up. And don’t give into frustration.  With a little patience and determination, you can overcome this.  You can read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Ended the Affair, but He’s Still So Distant

By: Katie Lersch: Every husband is an individual. And every infidelity is also unique. But there are sometimes themes around the responses cheating husbands will give when they’ve potentially been caught cheating.

Wives often wonder if the excuse their husband is trying to sell them falls under this category.

A wife might say, “My husband left his phone on the kitchen counter, and he must have realized it pretty quickly, because he rushed in to retrieve it right away. He also had a panicked look on his face. Before he could pick it up, I saw a text message with a picture of a topless woman on it. Something immediately clicked in my head because my husband has been acting so weird lately. He’s incredibly short with me. He’s never present. And he’s out much, much more. In fact, I asked him a couple of weeks ago if there was someone else, and he joked that sure, her name was Halle Berry. Basically he tried to make a joke. So I asked him straight up if he was cheating on me. And his response was that I didn’t see what I think I saw, but he wouldn’t show me his phone. And now he refuses to talk about it, saying I’m making ‘ludicrous accusations.'” Is this typical of what a man will say when he’s cheating?”

It can be. As I’ve said before, men are individuals. However, there are DEFINITE themes. Below, I’ll list some of them.

You’re Paranoid, Crazy, or Mistaken: A favorite of cheating husbands is to make it seem as what the wife is accusing him of is so outlandish that it couldn’t possibly be true. To accomplish this, he’ll insinuate that you’re “out of your mind,” or “acting ridiculous,” or “out of control.”

My mother used to say that when someone protests too much, you can often flip their words to know the truth. It’s quite possible that it is the husband who is out of his mind. Or it is the husband who is out of control.

Sure, it’s not impossible to let your insecurities get the better of you. It happens. But if your gut and your common sense are telling you that something is wrong, you don’t need to let him tell you that you’re paranoid when you know that you’re not.

There’s a Logical Explanation: When a husband is caught nearly red-handed, he often knows that he’s going to need to make some sort of concession. He’ll need to confess to some sort of lessor infraction to make his denial plausible. So sometimes he’ll say yes, you did see an inappropriate picture on his phone. But it was just a joke.

Or yes, the woman at work is calling him. She wants a relationship, but he’s been putting her off and telling her that he’s married.

Or yes, he has struck up a friendship with this other woman, but it hasn’t and won’t turn physical.

Sometimes, he is telling the truth. But often, he is not.

You’ll need to decide if you want to buy what he’s selling based on your own intuition and the information that you’ve been able to gather.

You’re Out of Line for Making This Type of Allegation: Sometimes, a husband will try to turn this around on you. He’ll act as if he is the injured party.

And he’ll get angry because he’s supposedly the recipient of an unfair allegation.

He’ll say things like, “I can’t believe that you’d think this of me.”

Or “Well, I see how you really feel about me if you think that I’d do something like this.”

The idea is to make you feel guilty or mistaken for the accusation so that you will stop making it.

And hopefully, you’ll be scared to bring it up again.

Turning the Tables – You’re the One Who is Doing Something Wrong: I’ve had wives tell me that, when accused of cheating, the husband will try to turn the tables.

He’ll tell the wife that the reason she’s seeing behavior that doesn’t exist is that she is the one who is cheating.

They’ll say her guilty conscience is making her accuse him.

They figure if they can put you on the defensive, you’ll back off.

Of course, this is the easiest one to dispel. You know you’re not having an affair. You know you haven’t done anything wrong. So his game playing is much more obvious.

Deciding How to Proceed: If you have a husband who is doing his very best to get you off his back, you’ll need to decide how convincing you think he truly is.

Many wives think it makes sense to regroup and concentrate on catching him so that he no longer has the room to deny it.

Others will insist that there’s nothing that the husband can do or say to convince her that he isn’t cheating.

In other words, she is going to proceed as though he is cheating because his excuses don’t make sense.

How you move forward depends on whether or not you’re ready to proceed if he is cheating.

Some wives watch and wait until they have more, indisputable information.

And other wives can’t just go about their lives thinking that their husband is cheating and so they’ll just act as if he is.

He can say or do whatever he wants, but she is going to do what works for her if he were in fact cheating.

Could you be wrong? Yes, you definitely could.

However, statistics say that up to 85% of women are right when they think their husband is cheating.

That doesn’t mean your husband is cheating. Statistics can be (and sometimes are) wrong.

But at least this might back you if your husband is trying to make you feel as if you’re brazen for even bringing it up.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see my husband’s affair coming, so I always envy the wives who do.  Still, recovery is tough no matter how the affair is found out.  That doesn’t mean you can’t recover, though.  You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on What Cheating Husbands Say When Caught Out

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who have caught their husband cheating or having an affair understandably have a few choice words for the other woman. Some of them are inclined to confront her face-to-face. Thankfully, most people calm down enough to realize that such an encounter may be too volatile or unpredictable to be healthy. 

As a result, many wives come to believe that the “safer” strategy might be to send the other woman a DM, text, email, or some sort of message. However, when many of them begin to craft such a message, they struggle somewhat. They aren’t sure what to say to this woman. Should they shame her? Guilt her? Illicit her sympathy so that she’ll know that the wife is a human being and a real person with feelings? Tell her the harm that she’s done? Threaten her? What is the best play, when you aren’t sure how she might respond?

Someone might say, “Because I demanded that my husband give up his phone when I confronted him about his affair, I can use his phone to send the other woman a text, email, etc. I suppose that I could also look her up on Facebook. I thought about calling her, but I’m afraid I will get emotional and my voice will break up. I do not want to sound weak in this encounter. But I’m not sure what to say in a note or message, either. I think that she is probably a horrible person to cheat with a man she had to have known was married. There are children’s things in our vehicle. I just don’t know how she couldn’t have known that she was affecting someone’s family and children. And I want her to know how evil I think this is. I also want her to know if she comes near my husband again, I will do my best to publicly shame her, not that she likely cares. I talked to my girlfriend about this, and she had an interesting point. She asked me what was going to happen if this lady responded back to me with all sorts of painful information that is only going to make this worse? Should I expose myself to this? Don’t I need to know regardless?”

I think that my answer might surprise you since I’m also a wife who has been through this. And my opinion on this has only gotten stronger as I’ve seen other wives deal with this and have watched this encounter backfire in many different ways.  

Don’t Give Her Any Opportunity To Control The Narrative: To be quite honest, I don’t think it’s in your best interest to allow her to tell you how things went. Yes, both people in this scenario have a reason to bend the truth or to flat-out lie. But at least with your husband, you know him well enough to spot his lies and you can continue to question him when his claims that don’t make sense.

In contrast, she is free to tell you whatever she wants. And frankly, most people aren’t going to paint themselves as the villian. It is self-preservation to want to make yourself believe that you were justified in your actions. That means she may try to make your husband into the pursuer. She may tell you that they are deeply in love. She may tell you that your husband is looking for a way to abandon your family when none of this is true. 

She could also apologize and admit fault, but in my experience, this is less likely.

You don’t know how she might react, which is why this is risky no matter how you slice it, especially when your husband can provide her with the same information – that the affair is over. 

Don’t Give Her Any Real Estate In Your Head:  The main reason that I didn’t want to dialogue with the other woman in my situation is that I know myself well enough to know that if there were ever a conversation between us, I was going to replay it over and over again in my own head. I was going to endlessly ruminate on the things she said and the things that I should have said but was too upset to get out. 

Honestly, this would have delayed my healing. I just didn’t need that. My husband said it would end. And believe me, I watched closely and intently to make sure that this was true, so I just didn’t see the need to include her in the process of our lives and our ability to move on.

I wanted her out of our lives immediately. So I certainly wasn’t going to invite her into it.

If You Must Write Something:  I understand that many wives just cannot let this go and feel like must have a say. If this is the case, I’m going to strongly suggest that you let your husband send the message. If you must be the one to send it, sit on whatever you are going to send for at least a day before you actually send it. That way, some of the emotion will hopefully have died down and you can think about the message rationally.

Because at its core, this message is really just this: I know about you. Your actions were destructive to my family. My husband is ending the affair. There will be no further communication. 

What more is there to say beyond this that she will actually hear? 

I am not sure that you want to try to elicit her pity or her guilt. You don’t need her to pity you. And you don’t know enough about her to know if she will feel guilty. She doesn’t need to know anything personal about you. Don’t let her intrude any more than she already has.  

And make absolutely sure that she can’t continue to engage with you and attempt to have the last word. If you (or your husband) are going to send a text, you need to change the number. If you’re going to DM, you need to block her afterward. Do not send her an email from a personal account that you want to use every day. Do not threaten her in any way. Because you honestly don’t know her side of the story. You also don’t know how she will react to any of this. 

If you absolutely must do this, simply let her know that the affair is over. And then do not engage with or contact her again. Because the sooner you both can stop thinking about and communicating with her, the better.

Again, if it’s not already obvious, I think it’s preferable that you not dialog with her or allow her into your life anymore. But I know that some are going to insist on doing it anyway. In that case, I would recommend keeping it very simple and short with just a few sentences to tell her that you know about the affair and it is over. Then shut down all further communication.

I am not trying to tell anyone what to do.  I’m just trying to help you heal as soon as possible.  Because that is when you are going to start feeling better – not when you engage with the other woman.  You can read more about healing at https://surviving-the-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do I Word A Message To The Woman Who My Husband Has Cheated On Me With?

By: Katie Lersch: It’s absolutely normal to be furious with a cheating spouse. It’s even normal to find them repulsive after the affair. As a result, many faithful spouses have no desire to be loving or intimate with the cheating spouse. For some, this could mean no sex, no hugging, and no kissing. And for others, it can mean absolutely no touching at all.

A wife might say, “I probably haven’t touched my husband in any capacity in over three months. I know that sounds awful. But ever since I found out that he cheated on me, I just can’t bring myself to show him any sort of physical affection. I think of him betraying me and showing extreme physical affection to someone else, and I’m just not inclined to be affectionate to him. Last night, he actually broke down and started crying. He asked how long we were going to continue acting like angry strangers in our own home. I told him that I had no idea because I’m still angry and I still feel incredibly resentful. Why should I show him consideration when he didn’t show me the same? He tried to reach out his hand to me, and I pulled my hand away. I admit that I felt sad after I reflected on this. There is a part of me that wanted to respond to him. But I just couldn’t allow myself to do it. Am I wrong to not want to touch him?”

Why I Think That Your Feelings Are Justified But Potentially Limiting: I certainly wouldn’t say that you are wrong. I understand how you feel. After my husband’s affair, I told him straight away that I was taking sex off the table for a while. I needed time to process things (and to determine what I wanted moving forward) without having to worry about anything else.

I believe that my stance was fair, and my husband agreed to it. That said, I don’t think that you would want to live this way for the rest of your life regardless of what happens with your marriage. I hope this article will offer something valuable to help you move forward – even a little bit.

Don’t Try To Put The Cart In Front Of The Horse: I think that the biggest reason that I could not tolerate a physical connection with my husband was that I was still so injured. I was still reeling. Trying to touch or even to be emotionally connected just felt fake and insincere. I would have felt taken advantage of if I did something that I didn’t want to do. And I was also still too angry to reward him with anything at all coming from me. That may sound petty, but it was just the truth at the time.

But do you know what else is the truth? It takes so much energy and is so painful to be this wounded all of the time. So even if it is only for your own well-being and ability to feel at peace, you’re going to want to heal and eventually move on in whatever way works for you.

Healing doesn’t mean that you have to forgive your husband if you can’t or don’t want to attempt that. It is not something that you do for him. It is something that you do for yourself.

Even better, after you have made some progress with healing, you can begin to let go of some of this anger because you won’t feel as angry and out of control anymore. When that happens, you may feel differently about what you can and cannot do.

But remember that this is always your choice. Don’t feel pressured to do anything that you are not ready for or to give anything that you do not feel has been earned.

A Tiny Place To Start: This wife said that she did feel a tiny bit of compassion toward her husband and felt a tiny inkling to reach out to him. This tells me that she is a bit conflicted and not 100% on board with continuing to offer him no encouragement or kindness at all. I completely understand keeping him at arm’s length when you are this shocked, betrayed, and angry. But I have to be honest with you. This situation is not going to be sustainable in the long term.

One day, you will want to feel compassion and empathy again, even if it is not your husband who is the most frequent recipient of that empathy.

Tricks And Tips: I found a couple of tricks that made that possible for me while I was still trying to decide what I wanted to do about my marriage. First, I made it clear that I was taking married behavior off the table until further notice. This way, I did have to deal with expectations or pressure. However, this didn’t mean that my husband and I didn’t communicate. We did.

Second, since my husband was not going to mistake any compromise for reconciliation, I was free to try to at least be cordial. As I said before, it got very tiresome to remain so furious. If I wanted answers, if I wanted lengthy and honest explanations, then I was going to have to be open and listen. And I couldn’t do that if I turned him away.

And one way that I tried to be open was to separate the behavior from the person. Yes, the affair was deplorable and deserved all of my contempt with no redemption possible. But did my husband deserve this personally? Yes, he did a horrible thing. But he’d also done some wonderful things. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to be my husband anymore, but I couldn’t pretend like he was an evil person either. I could at least give him the courtesy of listening to what he had to say so that we could both say our peace to see if anything could eventually be salvaged.

Free Yourself From This Perpetual Prison Regardless Of What Happens With Your Marriage: Regardless of whether you want to stay married, you will want to eventually effortlessly show compassion and empathy when it is appropriate. Otherwise, you’re sentencing yourself to a compromised life for something that was never your fault.

I’m not saying that you need to get physically close to your husband tomorrow. You never have to if you don’t want to. I’m just saying that while I understand what you are going through right now, I think that you deserve better than that in the future – whether you are getting that from your spouse or from someone else. And in order for that to happen, give yourself permission to heal. You deserve that.

Giving myself permission to heal was the kindest thing I did for myself.  Because at the end of the day, this process was about me.  Not about him.  You can read the rest of the story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Refuse To Touch My Spouse Because He Cheated