Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s not uncommon for the concept of divorce to be mentioned after the discovery of an affair. It is most often mentioned by the faithful spouse, but either spouse can bring it up or can seek it. Sometimes, when the cheating spouse brings up a divorce, the faithful spouse can wonder as to whether or not this is reverse psychology or a bluff.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I caught my husband having an affair last week. I suppose I shouldn’t say caught. What I should really say is that I finally picked up the obvious clues he was leaving because it appears that he wanted to get caught. Once the confrontation came up, my husband was very indignant and defensive. He said that he wouldn’t have had to cheat if we had a good marriage and, since we don’t, he’s going to pursue a divorce. I hear his words, but I have my doubts about them. For one thing, a divorce would be extremely costly financially for him. For another thing, he has always said that he would never divorce because his parents’ divorce was very painful to him. So I think that he is just blowing hot air. I think it is his hope that I will suddenly fall over myself and say ‘oh please don’t divorce me. I will start behaving differently and I will work with you regarding the affair.’ In short, I think that this is just his way of getting me to not come down too hard on him about the affair and to not make him do very much to make this up to me. I can’t imagine that he would really want a divorce, but I am not sure how to respond to this.”

You may be absolutely right in your guesses. It’s not uncommon for the cheating partner to posture or to act in a certain way in the hopes of manipulating their spouse into being a little more agreeable in the aftermath of the affair. Needless to say, many faithful spouses see right through this and don’t fall for it.

It is really up to you as to how you want to respond, depending on whether or not you want a divorce and depending upon how you want to position yourself going forward. I believe that it is best to try to be honest and forthcoming, even when he is not. Because if you are both just posturing, it is very hard to get to what is real. And it is never more important than now to do so.

He could possibly be trying to back you in a corner in the hopes that you will immediately say “no I don’t want a divorce. Please don’t divorce me.” But, this is a disservice to you, who has every right to be angry and every right to take your time deciding how you want to move forward. By doing this, he is trying to be the one making the decisions. It is up to you if you want to play along or not.

I would suggest trying to buy some time if you are not yet decided on where to go from here. (And this is true in most cases because you just need time to process this.) A suggested script in order to do that might be something like: “that is your prerogative. But all of this sure would be life changing – an affair and a divorce in the blink of an eye is a very drastic life change. Of course, you can have your own wishes and your own opinion when it comes to our marriage but, only speaking for myself, I don’t plan to make any abrupt decisions. Too much has happened too quickly for me to be thinking clearly. And just reacting to you in anger or in an attempt to gain a position really doesn’t do either of us any good and it certainly doesn’t do our children any good. I can’t stop you from pursuing a divorce, if that is what you truly want. I just think that this whole thing is very sudden and, most times, sudden and rash decisions without considering everything involved don’t turn out very well. I can only control myself and right now, I am only taking things one day at a time and not trying to look too far ahead.”

Once he sees that he isn’t going to get the desired response out of you and that you’re not panicking and begging him not to divorce you, he may decide to change strategies. Also, when you are straight forward with him, this encourages him to drop the posturing and talk to you like two equal human beings, once of whom has made a very unfortunate mistake.

My husband did try to posture with me after his affair, but it didn’t even work temporarily.  I was very clear on the fact that I wasn’t going to play these types of games.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I attempted to handle this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you are trying to find your way through all of the details of your spouse’s affair, you likely already know that the truth is important to you. Most of us want to know exactly what we are up against, even if this knowledge is most certainly going to hurt us. However,we get the information, we want all of it. But this can be difficult when we suspect that our spouse may be minimizing what the affair meant to him or how extensive and serious it was because he is trying to either spare us pain or spare himself the consequences.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “I suspect that my husband is only giving me glimpses into the affair. But these are only glimpses meant to show him in the best light as is possible and her in the worst light as is possible. He’s trying to make it seem like she pursed him while he just innocently tried to ward her off for the longest time until he finally gave in. Then he has tried to say that the relationship wasn’t meaningful in any way to him. But I have read some texts between them and in one of those texts he says things like ‘you are the only thing keeping me going.’ So I would say that there was a time when she meant a lot to him and that he’s just trying to minimize this because he knows that if I knew the truth, I might not be up to the task of saving our marriage. When I express these concerns to my husband, he tells me that I am trying to find issues where none exists. He says that he has been honest about the affair, but that I am making it bigger than it actually was. Could this be true? Or do men minimize the affair most of the time?”

Some husbands most definitely minimize the affair. And they do this for various reasons, some of which I’ll go over below. Sometimes, they are doing this to be selfish. And, some of them are trying to make things easier for themselves.  To be fair though, sometimes they truly do believe they are doing this for you because they think that it is going to spare you some turmoil or that it will help you to heal faster if you do not have hurtful knowledge that might not make a difference now.

Not All Husbands Minimize it:  Just to give a bit of perspective though, not all husbands minimize the affair, especially the ones who aren’t sure that they want to give up the other woman. Some will actually make the relationship even more than it was. They truly believe that the relationship could and might be lasting because they believe that they have found someone who understands them and is actually good for them at this time in their lives. Some husbands are invested in truly believing this because they need to justify the affair in their own minds.

I bring this up because the fact that husband might be minimizing this could show that it is more important to him to restore his marriage or spare you pain than the justify his actions or to continue on with the relationship.

Some Reasons Behind His Trying To Make It Seem Less Than It Might Have Been: As I alluded to, men who minimize the affair often do it in order to lessen the fall out. Some do this for selfish reasons because they don’t want to face the full consequences of their actions.

However, it would be unfair of me not to mention that other men might be just starting to realize that perhaps the relationship wasn’t exactly what they thought it was.  Sometimes, people only see the true reality of the affair (and of the other woman) until it is finally over.

It’s not impossible for him to have actually thought that she was “keeping him going” at one point only to look back now and realize how stupid he was to believe this. Once the affair is over, many men are able to see it in a more realistic light and this is one reason they will minimize it – because they feel really stupid when they see just how mistaken they were.

But to answer the original questions, yes men (and women) will minimize what the affair meant at the time. This doesn’t always mean that they are trying to deceive you, however. But it is quite common for them to not disclose everything, especially when they are more motivated to attempt to save their marriage.

Often, you will have to make it very clear how important the truth and full disclosure is to you.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I attempted to handle this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are dealing with their husband’s affair are somewhat clear on the fact that, one day, they would like to be able to offer forgiveness. Many hope that one day, the will just find forgiveness on their doorstep. They might wake up one day and find that the burden and the pain of the affair has lessened enough that they feel comfortable enough to offer this one little gift. When this doesn’t happen, it’s very easy to become impatient. So you can start to think that forgiveness is simply a choice that you must make. I hear from a lot of wives who have made the conscious decision to forgive their husband and they now want to communicate the same to him. Many know that they are going to break down and stammer if they try to say this face to face, so they decide to write a letter.

But they aren’t sure how to write the letter or even if it is good idea. Many go through several drafts of a letter and still aren’t comfortable giving it to their spouse. I might hear a comment like: “I have finally made the decision that I would like to save my marriage and forgive my husband for his affair. This is not a decision that I came to easily. Not at all. I went back and forth about this for months. And there was a time when I was getting ready to file for a divorce. It really came down to a couple of things. I’ve never had so loyal a friend as my husband has been to me and I don’t want to give my children a broken family. For the last two years, I have struggled with illness and my husband stuck by me for ninety eight percent of that. He had an affair with one of my health care professionals but not until I pushed him away for months out of fear. I am not defending his having an affair by any means. But I can see how it would have happened. Anyway, I have decided to forgive him and I want to tell him this. Should I write him a letter and, if so, what should it say? I have had friends who have told me that such a letter is giving him a free pass. They think this is a stupid idea.”

Understand That The Letter Is Just One Step: First of all, this isn’t a decision for your friends to make. It is a decision that you must make. You are the only one in this scenario that has to live with your decision, not your friends. You can certainly write a letter. I get a lot of correspondence asking about the best way to do it. I think it is important to understand that one letter isn’t likely to heal the marriage. It is the behaviors and the actions that come after the letter that will save the marriage. But, the letter can lay the ground work.

Make Sure He Knows That You Still Have Expectations: I think that is very important to stress that although you feel that you are ready to offer the forgiveness because you feel that it is the best decision for your family, you also want to define what you need from your spouse in order to make this happen. I am not saying that this reader’s friend was right – that the husband was getting a free pass. But very frankly, you don’t want to just proclaim that all is forgiven and then not require anything else from him because he may well not put forth any more effort. And, if your marriage is going to make it, it is going to require continued effort, so it is very important to set the stage for this.

A suggested script might be something like: “I want you to know that I have not come to this decision lightly. It was very difficult to move past the pain in order to see clearly. But I have decided that I truly do want to save our marriage and in order to do this, I want to offer my forgiveness. This doesn’t mean that I am completely over the pain or that I don’t need for you to keep trying to make this right. More than ever, I need to see and feel affection and reassurance from you. I need to see trustworthy behavior and complete commitment. In exchange, I am going to let go of score keeping and resentment. Forgiving you doesn’t mean that I will forget or that the slate is wiped clean as if there was no wrong doing. It means that I want to do my part in order to move forward. And I realize that my part means looking forward instead of behind.”

I really can not stress enough that a letter truly is only the beginning. You can write lovely words and you can craft a letter that is going to touch his heart, but if you don’t follow it up with the repeated behaviors meant to heal, then it may not be worth the paper it’s printed on.

I will admit that I wrote a letter or two after my own husband’s affair.  But it wasn’t the letter that saved us.  It was the behaviors.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most of us married folks are willing to trust our spouses with most things, even when they have messed up a time or two. We trust our spouse to handle our finances even if he has made a few bad business decisions throughout the course of our marriage. We trust him with our kids even if he lets them eat donuts for breakfast and stay up late watching cartoons. But the same is not true with our hearts if he has stepped on it a time or two. No, once he makes the mistake of cheating on us, that trust doesn’t just come back. It is a hard fought battle for him to earn it back. He doesn’t always understand this. Admittedly, we don’t always understand this ourselves and we can begin to think that there is something wrong with us when we can’t get this trust back immediately.

I might hear someone explain it this way: “it took a long time until I decided to save my marriage after my husband’s affair. I actually made him stay with is mother for weeks because I couldn’t stand to see his guilty face. Toward the end of those weeks, I started to miss him. And he was calling me daily begging me to give him one more chance. He promised to go to counseling and do whatever I wanted him to do. In the meantime, my kids were constantly asking me where their father was and saying how much they missed him. So, after some time, I agreed to allow him back into my life, with the understanding that I might change my mind at any time. Well, we are still married. We are trying to work things out. We have our good days and our bad days. And our problem is no longer the affair really, it is my lack of trust. I am always questioning my husband even though he is always where he says that he is going to be. I have never caught him participating in wrong doing since the affair. And I know that he is trying. But I always find myself questioning him with an accusing tone. And then he gets angry and says that I am never going to trust him again and that our marriage is doomed. After we have these conversations, I really do try to trust him. But I can’t help it, the doubts come back. And I find myself doubting him again. Why can’t I just trust him?”

In my opinion, there are many reasons. And none of them are your fault.  Plus, none of them last forever, as long as you both are moving forward. Below I’ll go over some reasons that the trust is so hard to recover and offer some tips on how to get it back.

Don’t Blame Yourself. It is Hard To Trust Someone Who Has Lied To Your About Their Fidelity: I think that people underestimate just how devastating it is to be cheated on. And this is especially true if you didn’t see it coming. Often, the cheating spouse’s lies seem to come to him so easily. He can look you right in the face and lie to you without your sensing that anything is amiss. Of course, this is going to put you on your guard in the future. Because no matter how much you want to trust him, you can forget that shock and pain.

You might recognize the following argument that you’ve been having with yourself.

Initial Thought: “I don’t know why I act this way. He is always where he says he’s going to be. So I don’t know why I’m doubting him now. What he is saying makes perfect sense.”

Second Thought: “Yes, but that’s what you thought before when he was cheating on you.  You thought everything was fine and he was lying to you on a daily basis and going behind your back. Do you want that to happen to you again? Don’t be stupid.”

Needless to say, it’s hard to trust when you have these types of conversations in your own head. And it can be nearly impossible to stop this, especially at first. Most of the time, you are minding your own business and yet the thoughts still come. None of this means that there is anything wrong with you. It just means that you have a healthy dose of self preservation and common sense.

Seeing It From Another Side: Let’s put it another way. When I was much younger, I got into a bad car accident by a relative’s house. For a long time afterward, I had a very hard time driving on the same road, even if someone else was driving. It brought back all of the pain and the fear. So I had my relative come to me because it just made me too uncomfortable to go by there. However, with the passage of time, I started to realize that I wasn’t seeing my relative as much as I might have liked and so eventually and slowly, I started to drive by there again.

It’s just natural to want to avoid things that we think are going to hurt us again. But we manage to do it in time.  It takes a while for us to feel safe again but eventually, our desire to get our lives back overcomes our fear.

Getting The Trust Back: I wish I had an easy and fast way to magically restore the trust. I don’t. It does take time. And it does take repeatedly seeing your spouse act honorably and in your best interest. When you see this over and over again over a period of time, then you start to believe it.

And, like my car ride, when you see that you are missing out on something because of your fear, then sometimes you are motivated to go outside of your comfort zone in order to overcome it. (Keep in mind though that your husband has to make you feel safe to do so. He has to show with his behavior that it is safe to trust him.)

Many of us have done team building exercises at work or school where you have to fall back into someone’s arms and trust that they won’t drop you. Many of us think that this is a corny exercise, but studies have shown that it works, which is why this exercise is still very popular. You sort of have to do this exercise in your marriage over time. You trust a little and then see that he has caught you. And then after a while you trust again and realize that he hasn’t let allowed you to fall yet. So you do it a little more until you wake up one day and realize that the trust has slowly returned and that you haven’t fallen yet.

I am not going to tell you that I complete trust in my husband after his affair.  I didn’t.   I looked at him with suspicion all of the time.   As months passed though, I slowly started allowing him to show me trustworthy behaviors.  This mattered over time.  And eventually, I felt safe enough to trust again.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who believe that they have made a firm decision to stay with their cheating spouse. They haven’t taken this decision lightly and they may have wavered about it. But, in the end, they have decided that the best decision for them is to try to save their marriage. In their heart, they know that what they really want is to restore their marriage to a place of intimacy. But of course, this is easier said than done. It’s hard to trust again when someone has hurt you. It’s hard to want to be close to the person who has betrayed you. And it’s an unbelievable challenge to allow yourself to be vulnerable again when your heart has been damaged beyond belief.

I might hear from a wife who says it this way: “I am not going to go back on my decision to stay with my husband, regardless of the affair. I will not fool myself into thinking that this is easy. But I am determined to do it because of my children. My husband is determined to make it work also. And I have to say that I do believe that he is really trying. The problem is that no matter what he says or does, I feel the need to keep a safe distance from him. And this frustrates us both. Last night, he asked me if I was going to hold back from him for the rest of our lives. I never intentionally set out to hold back from him. But, in intimate moments, that is when the pain of the affair hits me the hardest. That is when it strikes me that he has broken our wedding vows and done this exact same thing with someone else. And it destroys me so much that I just subconsciously pull away. I can not help myself. And if I were to force myself not to, then it would be obvious that this was what I was doing. Is it always going to be like this? What should I be doing right now to overcome this?”

Understanding What Is At The Core Of This: I am by no means an expert. I can tell you my opinion based on my own experiences and from what I hear from others who reach out to me. But, it can take a good deal of time before even a hint of true and unforced intimacy returns. Frankly, you can’t offer true intimacy to someone until you feel that they are worthy of it. And of course you have your doubts as to whether or not he has worthy of it right now. Not enough time has passed in order for you to have those types of feelings for him since the pain he caused you is still so fresh.

Don’t Give Up: Does this mean that your marriage doesn’t stand a chance because you can’t overcome the intimacy hurdle? Not in my opinion. But it could mean that you need to give it more time and you need to take things more slowly so that you are not putting so much pressure on yourself. Because pressure just creates awkwardness. And awkwardness makes you think that this is never going to work so you become frustrated. And frustration is not a good precursor to intimacy.

Bringing It Into The Open: I would suggest addressing this with your husband with something like: “recently, you asked me if I was going to back away from you forever. I don’t intend to do that. Honestly, I don’t intend to back away when I do it right now. It’s never my intention. It is just a reaction to the pain that I have been feeling. And I think that time is going to be needed to get around this. I think that putting pressure on the situation would only make it worse. So I’d like to take things slowly. We are both committed to our marriage and we know that neither one of us is going to walk away. So we don’t have to worry about that. And I think that’s why we need to give ourselves permission to move a little more slowly and to not force things. I’d like to just spend some time with you without expectations and without feeling that things have to be normal right away. Because that is just supplying pressure that we don’t need. The distance doesn’t mean that I’m not committed and that I don’t love you. It just means that I am still trying to process this.”

Hopefully, this will buy you a little time. Never forget that you deserve to set the pace. None of this is your fault. Your husband was the one who had the affair and so now he will have to wait and allow you to move at whatever pace works best for you.

Faith Leaping: I can tell you that there will come a time when you will just have to take a leap of faith. So many of us feel like we can’t really let ourselves go until we get some kind of guarantee that we won’t be hurt like this again.

Unfortunately, there aren’t any guarantees for any of us. All that we can do is to restore our marriage to the strongest place possible so that we can have confidence that we can handle whatever comes our way.  In the end, we have to decide that the risk is worth it.

I am not going to tell you that I had fast intimacy in my own marriage after my husband’s affair.  I didn’t.  There was distance for a while.  But we had to just work through it and wait it out.  It got a little better with time, which made it a little easier to stay the course.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are a little put off that their spouse wants to dictate their relationship with the other person during an affair. Often, the person having the affair knows that the relationship is wrong, but they can’t seem to stop it. And although they know that it is wrong, they can’t help wanting to give the relationship time to develop in order to see what might happen. Of course, their spouse will often do everything in their power to ensure that this doesn’t happen, especially when there are children involved.

To demonstrate, I might hear a wife say: “I am not proud of the fact that I am having an affair. I know that this isn’t great behavior on my part. But I have fallen in love with the other man. I wish this didn’t hurt my husband. But I can’t deny my feelings. My family knows the other man. I have worked with him for years. So it is not unusual for me to spend time with him or to have him in our home. The problem is that my husband now refuses to allow him into our home. He says that he does not want this man around our children since this man is trying to destroy our family. My kids don’t know about the relationship and I have no intention of telling them. We don’t act inappropriately around my children. My kids actually like the other man and enjoy spending time with him. I don’t see the problem, but my husband says bringing the other man into our home is insensitive and inappropriate. I suppose it would be these things if the other man and I were kissing in front of the kids, but we aren’t. Who is right here? Do I have to keep the kids way from the other man?”

I’m not an attorney or a marriage counselor. So I can’t give you a legal or psychological answer. I can give you my opinion of what is a correct moral answer, although I suspect you won’t like what I have to say. I don’t mean to be harsh or insensitive. I concede that people feel that they have developed true and real feelings that are hard to turn off and on when they are having an affair. But, to me, you should not invest or demonstrate these feelings until you decide what you want to do about your marriage. If your marriage is over and you are divorced, then there is nothing wrong with pursuing a new relationship. But, until that time, it is wrong to do so.

And pursuing a new relationship in front of your children is very confusing for them at a time in their lives when they may well sense that something serious is going on with their parents. I know that no one was kissing in front of the kids, but kids are more perceptive than you may be giving them credit for. You may not be overtly kissing in front of them, but they still make be picking up the vibe in the room. This can make them confused and uncomfortable. And you may not realize this, but you may be trying to encourage a relationship between your children and the other man because you want a future with him. That would be manipulative and premature at this point because you are still married to these children’s father.

I do not know the legal ramifications of this, but as I said, common sense and wanting the well being of children whose parents’ marriage is in peril should be your first priority. I can’t imagine that forging a relationship with a new adult would be more beneficial to them than stability right now. Let’s face it. You are not having the other man around the children for their sake. You are doing it for your sake. You have to ask yourself if you are motivated by the children or motivated by yourself.

I am not saying that you won’t ultimately end up with the other man. That is up to you. Only you can decide that. But right now, you are still married. And until you resolve what is going to happen with that marriage, then you shouldn’t pursue other relationships. It is just too early for that. You shouldn’t take on something new when you haven’t yet resolved something old.  And frankly, even with a divorce, you should be very careful with introducing new relationships to your children.  Many experts suggest that you don’t force the new relationship on your children and you give this plenty of time to digest the divorce before you even consider adding new relationships to their lives.

Again, this is only my opinion. But because of my articles, I hear from a lot of folks in this situation. Very few of them recount good things coming out of pushing a new person on children who are already struggling with what will become of their parents’ marriage. Give this situation more time. Don’t rush anything. Focus on the outcome of your marriage first. Allow your children the time to heal and to spend time with only you before you attempt to push someone new onto them. This is likely a harder time for your children than you realize. They need you and your support. Not someone else along side of you.

Much of my opinion on this comes because I am a child of divorce.  My mother remarried within three months of her divorce from my father being final.  I can not tell you how painful it was to have a virtual stranger move into my home when the divorce was so fresh.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When you are trying to evaluate what you want to do after your spouse has an affair, you can only make a decision as good as the information that you are getting. Most of the time, much of your information comes from your spouse. Quite understandably, you can have some doubts about the truthfulness of this information because your spouse has his own agenda and his own reasons for trying to slant the information in a certain way.

But what happens if the information that you are getting from your spouse clashes with the information that you are getting from someone else? And what if that someone else is the other woman?

I might hear from a wife who says: “when I caught my husband having an affair, he insisted that it wasn’t an affair, but it was a fling. He says that there is a big difference with a long term relationship in which he had feelings and actually put effort into and a few short encounters that were only about sex. He says that his relationship with the other woman wasn’t relationship at all. He says he felt nothing for her and he never thinks about her now. Well, the other woman actually called my home the other day. I told her that we had nothing to say to her and that whatever fleeting tiny little thing that was between them was over. She asked me why assumed that it was just a little thing. I told her what my husband said. She then informed me that my husband was lying to me. She said that the relationship was actually quite serious with feelings involved on both sides. She said that very soon, she is sure that my husband will start up with her again. She said all I have to do is wait and see and I will realize that he is lying through his teeth. Now, I don’t know who to believe and I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Who do I believe?”

I’m not sure that you need to believe that either of them is telling you the complete truth, simply because different people’s perceptions and versions of the truth depend in part of on their own world view and agendas. Most of the time, they aren’t even aware of this. They may even think they are being truthful but what they don’t realize is that they can only tell you their own version of the story.

Frankly, whose version of the truth feels more right to you is something that you truly must decide for yourself. But, I believe that I would take whatever the other woman is saying with healthy skepticism. She could very well be feeling rejected and she likely has her own agenda. She may want to make you doubt your husband. She may be hoping to cause trouble in your marriage. And quite frankly, I wouldn’t give her any way into your home, your thoughts, and your marriage. You’ve heard her message. You may consider it, but you don’t need to hear it again. I’d suggest blocking her number from your phone and not taking her calls or allowing any attempt to communicate.

Sometimes I have wives respond to this by saying something like: “but if I don’t listen to what she has to say, how do I know that my husband is lying? What if he is telling me complete lies? I wouldn’t know it because I wouldn’t have her to cross reference.” Well, this assumes that she is indeed telling you the truth, which is questionable. But my take on this is that continued communication with her brings about so many other problems than it solves.

No, you won’t know if he’s lying to you immediately. But you can watch his behaviors and his actions very closely. You can monitor him as is needed. Honestly, once you’ve found out your husband has cheated on you, then you become very skilled at watching for the clues. You don’t need some third party who may want to destroy your marriage keeping tabs. You can do that on your own.

I know that it’s very frustrating to feel that your husband may lie to you. But, there is also a chance that he may be telling the truth. Only time is going to give you all of the information that you need to evaluate this. I wish it weren’t that way, but it is. He could well be telling you the absolute truth, but until enough time has passed for you to see that she is no longer in the picture exactly as he has said, then you are going to have doubt until you reach the point where you develop confidence again.

You may chose to believe or to not to believe your husband based on his behaviors, his actions, or your own gut feeling. But I would not form any beliefs based on what the other woman is telling you. I’d watch very closely, wait, and come to my own conclusions.

I’d suggest asking yourself who you have the most history with and who you know the best.  This is likely your husband.  Do you have to blindly trust what he is telling you? Absolutely not.  But don’t allow a third party to distract you from what you truly want.  In my own case, I chose to discard everything about the other woman.  I didn’t believe what my husband told me all of the time.  I watched on my own and then made my own decisions.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are under the impression that their husband doesn’t care about their opinion after he has cheated or had an affair. In fact, they think that he could care less as to whether or not they have a very negative opinion about him and his actions.

You might hear a wife explain it this way: “when I caught my husband cheating on me, he was frankly indignant. He acted as if I was the one who did something wrong by snooping on him. He acted like he was the one who was being wronged, which only made me more furious at him. So, I started telling him how wretched I thought his actions were and how I thought only losers would lie to their spouses and cheat in the dark behind someone’s back like a coward. After these conversations, my husband always mutters something like: ‘I could care less what you think of me. Your opinion of me means absolutely nothing. I only care about my own feelings and my own happiness.’ Is he serious about this? Do men who cheat really not care what their wife thinks of them after an affair?”

Well, many husbands do attempt to make this claim. But, I believe that in many cases they do this because they are defensive. They often claim that they feel that they are being attacked so they are trying to defend themselves. I believe that some of them are trying to posture and have some influence over their position in their marriage. And I believe that some of them pretend to have this reaction because they are trying to bluff you out of continuing to verbally attack them or to question their character, no matter who justified this may feel at the time.

Admittedly, I am not a husband who has cheated. But I do hear from a lot of them on my blog. And many do express regret over their actions. Many do very much care what their wives think, especially once a little time has gone by. And I find this to be true even if the marriage ends. I’ve even had men tell me that although a lot of time has passed and both spouses have moved on with other people, they will always regret how they treated their spouse. They do have regret. Because I don’t know many people who can be proud of that type of betrayal and lies.

And let’s think of it another way. Think for a second about all of your long term relationships. Your family. Your closest friends. People who you grew up with. Your classmates since grade school. Do you care what these people think of you deep in your heart? Of course you do. Because they are long term fixtures in your life. You have likely been through both good times and bad times together. And they know you to your core. Sometimes, they know what you are thinking or feeling before you even share it. And this is why you care what they think. They know you. They know which behaviors are true to you and which are not.

Your marriage is likely the same way. Even if you and your spouse disagree about something or are having marital problems, you likely still care what he thinks of you in the same way that you would of any other long term relationship in your life. This is just human nature.

It is likely that your husband wishes that he didn’t care what you thought of him. But this likely isn’t reality. Probably, it is painful for him to realize how much he has hurt and disappointed you so he would rather pretend that he doesn’t care at all.

At the end of the day though, what matters more than what you think of his actions is to where you go from here. Because at some point, you have to go beyond both of your perceptions and feelings and you have to decide where you progress. I agree that you have every right to your opinion. And I had a strong opinion about my own husband’s behavior after his affair. I didn’t care if he agreed with my opinion. Frankly I didn’t care if he thought of my opinion at all. It wasn’t going to change either way.

Frankly, each spouse’s thoughts and feelings will always be up for debate. Emotions are high. You will likely disagree on many things right now. He may well think that you are wrong in your opinion of him and what he has done. But I doubt that he doesn’t care. And I also suspect that deep down, he shares some of your opinions.  That’s just my opinion though and obviously everyone has their own.

As I said, my opinion of my husband after his affair was at an all time low.  And I didn’t care if he agreed with me.  Eventually, as we rehabilitated our marriage, my opinion did change.  But I didn’t hold back in the beginning. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not unusual for me to hear from wives who are dealing with indignant husbands who seem to have no bad feelings about their cheating or affair. There is seemingly no sorrow, no remorse, and no guilt.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband only feels bad that he got caught cheating. But he doesn’t feel bad about the cheating itself. He has tried every excuse imaginable with me – I wasn’t paying him enough attention, the other woman meant nothing to him, half of all men cheat, etc.” When I try to tell him how deeply his behavior has hurt me, he only gets mad at me and refuses to discuss it any further. One of my coworkers went through infidelity with her husband and she almost divorced him because she felt so horrible about it. I want my husband to feel bad about his behavior. I want for him to be ashamed. But it is almost like he is proud that he was able to cheat with a younger girl. He makes me sick. What can I do to make him feel bad about this? Because that is what he deserves.”

I have an opinion for you that I can share. My opinion is based on my own experience and what I have seen work and not work for others. But I have to warn you that my answer may not be what you want to hear because it is going to seem counterintuitive. I hope that you will hear me out though. Because a lot of what might be your first inclination is going to be the opposite of what actually works. Please allow me to explain.

Many wives’ first attempt at making him feel bad will be to make him feel ashamed.  You want to point out all of the shameful behavior he exhibited.  I did this myself. You want to show him the destruction in the wake of his actions. You want for him to know that you hurt. You want him to take one look at you and feel physical and aching pain. So, you take every opportunity to show him your pain and tell him exactly what he has done.

And, you have every right to this. No one can blame you for it and every one understands it. Unfortunately, it is not very effective. In fact, trying to bring on the guilt actually makes it easier for him to justify his behavior. Why? Because he will tell himself that he just isn’t comfortable around you. He will know that he always feels negative emotions around you (even if he deserves that right now) and, as a result, he needed an escape.

Or, some men take it even further than this and will think things like: “no wonder I had to go out and cheat on her. She’s a miserable human being and she’s always looking to take me down with her. I don’t get a moment’s peace around her. It’s as if she doesn’t want me to feel happy for even a moment. Only a saint could be expected to live this way all of the time. No wonder I had to go elsewhere.”

I know that this is hurtful and unfair. But I want you to be aware of it. Because I want you to know what doesn’t work and why. Which leads me to the fact that often the opposite strategy does work. What I have found to work is probably the last thing you feel like doing – you hold your head up high, you know deep in your heart that the only person who can make you happy is yourself, and you invest in the most important person in your life – which is you.”

Not only is the right thing to do, but it is effective. Your husband is more likely to feel guilt in this situation because here is a woman who has done nothing wrong who is conducting herself with dignity and respect. What kind of man cheats on or hurts such a woman? What kind of person betrays a spouse who does nothing wrong and is above reproach?

Now, I’m not asking you to overcompensate or treat him with accommodations that he doesn’t deserve.  You don’t have to pretend that everything is fine. He knows that everything isn’t fine. He knows that he has hurt you. And, you don’t have to drive the point home because deep down, he knows it. Frankly, he probably does feel more badly than you assume. But he is posturing and doesn’t want to show it.

That’s why it’s best that you don’t give any additional justification. Go about your business with integrity and he will realize that he has made a grave mistake, if he doesn’t already. I know that you may feel that this is letting him off easy, but I feel strongly that it is just the opposite. Your restraint makes it harder for him to justify his actions. And you may not be able to see him wrestling with himself internally but he very likely is.

In the beginning of the aftermath after my husband’s affair, he wasn’t showing a lot of guilt and remorse.  But this came later, after he stopped the posturing and the indigence.  When it showed itself, it just all came pouring out.  This might be in your future also, especially if you don’t fall back on negative strategies that may only make him feel more justified.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When your spouse cheats on you, one of the biggest problems you will need to overcome is processing the fact that your spouse had sex with someone else. Not only does this bring about a bunch of unsavory mental images, but it can sabotage your sexual confidence and seriously harm your own sex life – should you choose to resume it.

Many faithful spouses are curious about the sex with the other person. Many are tempted to ask for details. But most intuitively know that it’s a slippery slope. Still, it’s hard to willingly remain naive about the whole thing. But you often question if this knowledge is going to help or hurt.

A wife might say: “honestly, it is not like my husband to want to start a new relationship. I would not have pegged him of all people as a cheater. He has a hard time forging relationships with anyone. He’s very much an introvert. And for the most part, I have always been his closest friend. So the only reason that I can figure he cheated is for the sex. And I’d suspect the sex must have been pretty good because by nature my husband is not a risk taker. I have been flirting with the idea of asking him what was so great about the sex. Because I really want to know. But I’m honestly scared that he will start to tell me how wonderful it was and go in graphic detail. I know that this would be very painful. But I feel like I have to know what I am dealing with. Should I ask him if the sex was all that great?”

I understand why you want to ask, but I sense that you already know that the answer may be more trouble than it is worth. If someone cheated and it was more than a one night stand, it’s a decent bet that there was some pay off that brought them back more than once. Sometimes the pay off is sex. Other times, it is more emotional in nature. However, if the sex was a bad experience, then it’s less likely that he would have repeated it.

People often assume that affairs are all about sex, but I don’t believe that. Not exactly. I believe affairs are often a response to stress or crisis. There are usually an attempt to deal with something that a man is trying to avoid dealing with. In a sense, it’s an effort to run away from aging, or self doubt, or anxiety. Sure, it helps that sex is involved. And people will often fool themselves into thinking it’s all about the sex or that the sex is so great. But this is just a way to justify it or to keep it going.

The thing is, once you start to get details, you are able to more accurately paint a vivid mental picture. Once this picture is there, it’s extremely difficult to remove it. And once you have it, you begin to doubt every sexual encounter you’ve ever had with your spouse – or are going to have in the future.  So now in addition to the trust issues, and the hurt, and the resentment, you’re adding sexual issues onto the mix. I know it’s hard to avoiding asking for details about the sex, but I believe that this is the best thing to do because otherwise, the result is very hard to overcome.

Another consideration is this. What are his options for a response? If he told you that no, the sex was awful, would you really believe him? Most of us wouldn’t. As soon as we got a “no,” we’d start pestering him for the details. We’d start pushing for a different answer. And as soon as he tells us yes, then something awful has been unleashed.

It truly is a no win situation. I personally believe it’s better to go under the assumption that there was an obvious pay off and that sex may well have been a part of it – but it’s a part in a complex puzzle that must be overcome. Because when you get vivid details, you tend to cling and dwell. I tended to obsess. And you don’t want to give yourself yet one more item to cause pain.

You can already have a fairly reasonable assumption without needing the graphic details. But I think it’s overly simplistic to think that a man cheated simply because the other woman was a master in the bedroom. It’s often just not that simple.

In my own situation, every time I wanted sexual details, I would tell myself that this would only delay my healing progress. And I would know that once I knew, I may not want to have sex with my husband ever again. I also knew that although I didn’t plan to have sex with him any time soon, I didn’t want to destroy that possibility for the future. So I decided that the short term plan was to determine if I wanted to save my marriage. And, if I decided that I did, I was going to make sure to build a strong and stable marriage and I was going to work on making the sex good enough that neither of us were worried about the other woman.This plan did eventually work. But there were some hard times. Still, I have no doubt that the times would have been harder if the sexual details became an issue. You’re welcome to read more about how I juggled all of this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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