Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most people can understand how a wife would feel hatred toward the woman with whom her husband has cheated and had an affair. But what can be not quite as apparent is whether or not the wife should act on this hatred. Many wives feel as if this hatred is literally eating them up inside. They want to release it. Some of them even want to face the other woman and express their hatred right in her presence.

You might hear a wife say: “I actually know the other woman. Not very well. But I know who she is. Her child goes to the same school that my children go to. Both of us walk our children to their classrooms. So I used to see her every morning. Now, I take another route to my children’s classrooms so that I do not have to see her. This makes me a little disappointed in myself. I feel like I should stand up to her. She has seen my with my two children and so she knows full well that her actions were going to affect a family. I hate her. I loathe her. I feel like she is the lowest form of life on this earth. I have considered confronting her after my children are safely in their classrooms. In fact, I fantasize about this on a regular basis. I don’t feel the need to have a huge confrontation. I just want to tell her that I hate her guts, that I think she is deplorable, and that I hope she rots in hell. Then, I am fully prepared to walk away. I feel like once I have my say, I can truly put this behind me. But I honestly feel the need to say it. Is this a good idea?”

First of all, I absolutely understand your feelings. I felt the same way. You are justified in your feelings. And I also understand needing to release them. But I suspect you already know what I’m going to say. So many things could go wrong here. It appears pretty obvious that the wife intended to express her hatred at school time drop off. What if one of the other parents heard this? Worse, what if it caused such a commotion that her children learned of it? What if the other woman didn’t just sit there and take the words of hatred? What if she had her own feelings to express?  What if a nasty exchange took place right at the school?

There is so much out of your control here. I honestly would try very hard not to have a face to face confrontation, especially at my children’s school. That is only my opinion based on the fact that it’s my perception that face to face confrontations almost always go very badly and they almost never give the kind of closure and relief that was hoped for. Quite honestly, it’s more common that this type of confrontation only keeps the turmoil going or makes it worse.

I honestly think that much of the time, you want a couple of different things. You want for her to know how you feel. You want a release. And you want to have the last word. You can do this by sending an email or letter and you do not have the risk of a face to face confrontation going wrong. Or, you can stop short of this and write her a letter than you never mail but will instead burn.

I know that some people will read this and think that it is just not enough. They want to see her. If you feel that you just won’t be satisfied any other way, I would urge you not to do this at your children’s school. Ask to meet at a very public place like a coffee shop where every one can hear you so that things can’t get out of hand. And so that things are safe. Let me be clear. I always think a face to face confrontation is a bad idea. I think you can have your say without it. But I also know that some people are going to insist that it is what they need anyway. And in that case, I would urge you to do in the most quick, safe, and discreet way as is possible. Then, allow it to be the end.  Walk away.  Don’t keep churning it.

Frankly, she already knows that you hate her. Deep in her heart, she knows that she acted deplorably. She doesn’t need for you to tell her. And I suspect that saying this verbally isn’t going to give you complete closure. You get closure when you work through this issue and are able to take her out of the equation. When you have a face to face confrontation, you are only keeping her in the equation.

I am not trying to talk you out of what you think you want.  I just almost never see the confrontation work in the way that the wife had hoped.  Instead, I see more healing when the wife allows her to leave the picture completely. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve never dealt with a cheating spouse or a marriage marred by an affair, then you probably don’t realize how all encompassing thoughts of the affair can become. There are times when you can think of little else and when you feel as if you are stuck in emotional quicksand. Everything makes you angry or hurt or confused. And days, weeks, or months can go by when you don’t feel much improvement. Despite not wanting to, you might find yourself always going back to the affair, always wondering about the other person, unable to move on.

As you might suspect, this process gets old. That’s why some people decide to take drastic action. And sometimes, this includes a new attitude. One such example is deciding to “live in the moment.” To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “I can’t seem to move on from my husband’s affair even though it was almost a year ago that it happened. We have been to counseling. And I am sure that my husband doesn’t see or communicate with her any more. In fact, he turns most of his attention to me and to our marriage. I do believe that he wants to save our marriage. But the biggest obstacle in our way is my own attitude. I just can’t seem to keep from looking back and fixating on the past. Lately, I’ve been reading a lot about zen buddhism and I’ve been meditating. I’ve started experimenting with living in the moment in other areas of my life. This has been helping me a good deal. I notice that I am happier in my job, with my children, and with my other relationships. I am considering trying to ‘live in the moment’ when it comes to my marriage. In fact, I tried this just today. I told myself that I wouldn’t think about the past. I wouldn’t think about the future. I promised myself that I would just enjoy being with my husband. We actually had a nice day and we laughed, something that has been in short supply lately. When I talked to my best friend tonight, I mentioned this to her. She told me that ‘living in the moment’ wasn’t realistic here because doing so meant that I was letting my husband off the hook. She asked me if I intended to forget what he has done. She said my husband was sure going to like my new attitude because this meant that there would be no price to pay for his affair. This took the wind right out of my sails. I actually had a good day but talking to my friend negated it. I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. But now I think I’m only fooling myself and looking for a quick fix.”

This wife described a couple who had been working on their marriage for a year after the affair. I’d hardly call that a quick fix. Frankly, I used variation of “living in the moment” at various times during our recovery after the affair. I also use it when I’m under stress due to things that I can’t necessarily control – and I am talking about things that don’t have anything to do with my marriage.

Here is my take on this. I believe that this change in attitude can provide you with a lot of relief as long as you keep things in perspective. Here is why. I believe that it’s very possible to get into the habit of ruminating. What I mean by this is that you get into the habit of going over the details of the affair over and over again even after everything has been said, discussed, and worked through regarding it. There is nothing left to say. All questions have been asked and answered. The work has been done. And yet you are still running it through your head and you are still being injured by it on a very regular basis.

When this is happening, “living in the moment” actually can help you to break this cycle.  Because you are forced to just notice what is right in front of you in that moment in time. You can not look back. You can not worry about the future. You are just enjoying now. This allows you to reconnect with your spouse in the here and now. This in turn can help to delay, slow down, or even stop that ruminating. And make no mistake, if you really want to move on, this ruminating must eventually stop.

Does this mean your spouse doesn’t have a price to pay? No, but he may have already have paid it. Does it mean that you no longer take regular inventory of your marriage? Absolutely not. There is a difference between living in the moment and living in denial. But you want to create a more positive reality. If living in the moment helps you do this, then I do not see the harm. I found it very helpful.

I am sure that this wife’s friend wanted to help. But the truth is that friends and loved ones often do not understand. They are trying to help, but without them having been there and having come through infidelity in a healthy way, they can’t possibly be objective. I believe if you find something helpful and it isn’t hurting you, then no one can or should tell you that you are wrong. That is a decision that only you can make for yourself.  And if you are finding relief by living in the moment, I say go for it.

I got to the point in my own recovery where I stopped making apologies or asking for advice from friends and family.  I loved them. I still do.  But they are not mental health professionals and they could not properly advise me.  I had to do what was right for me and I have never regretted it. You’re welcome to read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most people realize that when you cheat on your spouse, there are more people than just you and your spouse involved. Infidelity actually affects many lives. It affects you and your spouse’s life and your marriage, of course. But it also affects the life of the other woman, the life of her spouse (if she has one,) and the lives of any children of the cheating spouses. Now, not every child finds out about the infidelity. And I always encourage anyone in this situation not to involve their children. But sometimes, children do find out and they can have a very negative reaction to this.

I might get a comment like: “I made the mistake of cheating on my wife. She was so hurt about this that she let it slip to my kids. Well, now I am always catching my kids rolling their eyes at me and making snide comments. My kids avoid me whenever possible. The other day, one of the kids smarted off to me and I told him that I wouldn’t stand for that kind of behavior. He told me that he doesn’t care what I say anymore because he has no respect for me because of what I have done to his mother. It’s hard for me to have an answer for this. I have disrespected their mother by cheating on her. And I can see their thinking that because of this, I don’t deserve their respect. But part of me thinks that I deserve their respect simply because I am their parent. Is this fair? Will my kids ever respect me again?”

I hear themes of respect over and over again. Sometimes, the faithful spouse has lost all respect for the cheating spouse. And sometimes, it is friends, coworkers, and family members that have lost this respect. I am always deeply against involving your children in the infidelity and this is one reason why. But once the child learns of it, there is no going back. You can’t reasonably expect for the child to pretend that he doesn’t know what he knows. And, it’s usually quite upsetting to the child, who will often feel very defensive and protective toward his parent who has been betrayed.

You can understand this, of course. If someone hurt your children, you would likely lose respect for that person also. Just for a second, think about how this person might earn your respect back. Well, first of all, they would likely give you a very heartfelt apology and with their words and with their actions they would convince you that they are truly remorseful. Then, they would work very hard to regain your trust by acting in a way that is trustworthy to both you and to the person that they hurt.

As you might suspect, this process takes time. You have to earn the trust back. And, this is my only my opinion, but while I believe that while you can require your children to treat you with respect, you can’t force them to respect your actions. They are going to have their own opinions and perceptions. Of course, these same perceptions and opinions can change as your behaviors change and they start to see that your new behaviors are worthy of respect.

However, it’s my opinion that if you try to force this on your children or you try to be overly strict about this topic, you may only make the lack of respect and the anger even worse. Instead, I might try a conversation like this: “what you say has some validity. I haven’t acted in such a way to earn your respect when it comes to marriage. And I am deeply sorry about that. But, I am going to make this right again. Over time, I intend to show you that I can be a good husband and father again. I made a terrible mistake. But I am going to prove that I can and will work tirelessly to rebuild our family. In the meantime, you don’t have to respect what I did, but you have to treat me with respect just as every member of this household needs to treat every other member with respect. That is part of being a family and living under the same roof. Finally, I want for you to know that my mistake had nothing to do with my love for and commitment to you. My marital mistake is one that I will work out with your mother. But I will never stop being your father. And my love for you never changed.”

After that, try to have some patience. With time and with seeing that you are truly sorry, are truly sincere, and truly intend to make good on your promises, the respect should eventually return. It may take some time. But with a lot of work, love, and patience, trust and respect can be restored after the affair as long as you show that you deserve the same. You have to understand that your wife and children did nothing wrong. So it is up to you to make this right.  It is really not up to them.

I hope that this doesn’t come across as harsh or disrespectful.  I do want to help.  But you have to understand that your family did nothing wrong and they are hurting.  This can be healed.  But it takes time and work.   You’re welcome to read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s not uncommon for the faithful spouse to consider a martial separation after they have learned that their spouse has been cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, even the sight of their spouse sickens them. And being under the same roof is difficult when their presence makes you so angry and sad. Even people who have a little more control over their emotions wonder if separating isn’t the right thing to do. Often, even if you want to work things out eventually, when the discovery of the affair is new, you just feel that you need to process this without the watchful eyes and probing questions of your spouse.

However, not everyone has the luxury of being able to live in two different residences. Some people can’t afford to live apart from their spouse immediately. Still others have children and they don’t want to disrupt that household because of those children. So I might get a comment like: “I found out that my husband has been cheating on me. I want a separation. And I believe that this is me being kind because my first inclination was to immediately file for divorce but I only held off on that because of my daughter, who adores her father. However, it’s important to me that we are separated. The problem is that we are going through financial difficulties right now and we can barely afford the one home that we have. So we couldn’t afford for my husband to stay somewhere else. My husband says that he will move into the basement except for when our daughter is around. He says that he will eat dinner with us as a family so my daughter doesn’t know what is happening. But after we put our daughter to bed, he will go downstairs and stay there until the morning. I have my doubts as to whether or not this can work, but I feel as if I don’t have a choice. My husband swears that he will respect my boundaries. Is this a horrible idea?”

I don’t think that this is something that isn’t workable. After my husband’s affair, I did stay with extended family for a little while. But, as alluded to above, this disrupted my family life. I felt I needed to get home to provide continuity for my family. However, I stressed to my husband that I needed lots of space and I needed for him to keep his distance from me. He complied with this because he knew that if he didn’t, I was only going to leave again and that was the last thing that he wanted.

There were some advantages and some challenges to this situation. Here are some of them. On the positive side, I didn’t have to wonder if he was still cheating. And I know that this can be a huge problem when you are living under two different roofs. He came straight home after work and didn’t leave until the next day. He was always at home. So, I knew that he was making the effort to put our marriage first. If we had lived apart, I would have always have wondered what he was doing or who he was with, even if he called regularly.

Another advantage was our family. I truly believe that they didn’t know that anything was horribly wrong. Yes, they may have sensed the tension. In fact, I’m sure that they probably sense trouble. But they probably also sensed that we were trying to work it out. If one of us had moved out, we would have had to explain this and then they would have worried, which we absolutely did not want.

The disadvantage of this was when I got very frustrated with my husband or didn’t want to see his face, there was really no way around it. Sometimes, as I said before, the sight of him made me angry so I would pick fights. I would say and do petty things just to get a reaction. I am not proud of this. But it happened. Also, he was witness to all of my struggles. He tried to stay out of my way mostly. But if I was having a bad day, I couldn’t pretend that I was totally fine from afar.

However, he did respect my boundaries, especially at first. I think that he did not want to do anything to set me off. After a while, as things got better, we no longer had to tip toe around each other as much. But in the beginning, it wasn’t easy. I can look back at it now though and say that it was probably beneficial. If we had lived apart, I believe that I probably would have assumed the worst of him.

So to answer the original question, I don’t think that this idea isn’t workable. I think it’s vital to set boundaries though. If you’re already in counseling, the counselor can help you navigate this. If not, just be honest about what you want, need, and expect.  This process isn’t easy, but it is doable if you are motivated to get it done.  You’re welcome to read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When someone is cheating, they might think that their worst case scenario is having their spouse find out. But often, it gets even worse than that. And they often figure out very quickly that the worst case scenario is when the wife and the other woman begin talking.

I might hear from a husband who says: “I was the one who confessed my cheating to my wife. I ended the affair and I still noticed that it was affecting my marriage. So I suspected that having this huge lie between us was going to corrode our marriage over time. I decided to come clean because I felt that it was necessary and the right thing to do. Well, my wife found it very important to know who the other woman was. She would not stop asking until I finally told her. I now understand why she wanted this information. She has been calling the other woman. I assumed she did this because she wanted to hear from the other woman that it was over. But that must not be it because she continues to call almost every day. I have asked her to stop, but she won’t. I don’t talk to the other woman anymore. But now the other woman texts me every time my wife calls her. I am not sure what pay off my wife is getting from this but she will not stop. I can’t imagine that it’s making her feel any better. Why does she refuse to stop?”

There are a couple of potential reasons, which I will go over here. And I’ll try to offer some ways that you might attempt to handle this.

Calling Gives Your Spouse A Sense Of Power And Control: I can tell you from experience that when your spouse has an affair, you can feel a big lack of control. It seems as if your spouse is able to do what they want and then say they are sorry and you are left cleaning up the mess. Plus, sometimes, it feels as if you are at the mercy of your spouse to figure out what is going on. Because you can’t rewind and look into the past, you kind of have to hope that your spouse is being truthful with all of the facts that they are giving you. Contacting the other woman may make your wife feel that she is able to reclaim some of that control. She’s able to get information for herself. She doesn’t have to rely on you.

The problem of course is that the other woman doesn’t always tell her the truth. She has her own agenda sometimes.

Your Wife Is Trying To Compare Two Versions Of The Same Story: Your wife may be contacting the other woman to see if her story and your story are the same. Because we all know that there are two versions to every story. By comparing them, your wife is trying to make sure that she is getting as close to the truth as she can possibly can.

They May Be Commiserating About Your Faults: Let’s face it. It’s highly possible that both of these women are quite angry at you. They may look at this situation and decide that you have hurt them both. So they maybe getting together and making jokes at your expense. Or comparing notes. This doesn’t always happen. But it’s not all that uncommon either.

How To Approach Your Wife To Try To Convince Her To Stop: Probably the best thing that you can do to stop this is to give your wife complete and accurate information. She’s less likely to check back with the other woman if she knows that she can trust you to tell her everything that she needs or wants to know.

If the two of you are in counseling (which I highly recommend,) I would also make your counselor aware of this. I can’t imagine that your counselor would not discourage your wife from continuing on this way. It’s very difficult to heal your marriage when a third party is still in it. And, things coming from the counselor are going to carry more weight than things from you. Plus, continuing to talk to the other woman only keeps the issue churning along. Essentially, it keeps your wife ruminating and thinking about this all the time. Less contact with the other woman means less churning thoughts about the affair over and over again. But, a counselor is going to have a much easier time making your wife understand this than you might.

I know that it might be tempting for you to appeal to the other woman to stop taking your wife’s calls. But it’s probably best that you do exactly as you’ve promised – which is cutting off all contact.

I would suspect that over time, this will become old to your wife. Once she figures out that no new information is forthcoming and the conversations aren’t really helping her, she will likely stop. The problem is that this may not happen for a while and in the meantime these conversations may cause a lot of additional damage.

I will admit that there were times that I was tempted to contact the other woman, but I think that I knew it would create a whole new set of problems.  There were enough issues to overcome without adding in that one. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I am going to be honest and tell you that I get as much correspondence asking about the other woman as I do asking about rehabilitating the marriage or recovering after an affair. People just aren’t sure how to handle her. They aren’t sure if they need to confront her, to listen to her, to ignore her, or to attempt to learn more about her or to see things from her point of view. Many wives honestly feel that they can’t begin to move on until they have faced her.

This whole thing can become particularly confusing when the other woman is making attempts to explain her actions, to make things right, or to apologize.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband cheated on me with our massage therapist. After his accident, he has seen her regularly. I have gone to her for stress relief, but not nearly as often as he has. To be quite honest about it, she is a nice person. She always talks about her aging mother, who is clearly so important to her. She has always been sweet to me which is why I was so shocked when my husband told me about them. He tearfully confessed and begged me to forgive him. He said that it only happened a couple of times and that he would never see her again for any reason, even professional ones. I am struggling to process this. But in the meantime, I got an email from her. She had no idea that my husband told me. And she was confessing of her own accord. She tried to explain that it wasn’t premeditated and that she was so ashamed. She said that she wanted the opportunity to apologize to my face. I am so torn about this. I am furious at what she has done to my marriage. But at the same time, knowing that this type of conflict is still outstanding in my life bothers me. Part of me wants to just put it behind me and hear what she has to say. My friend says that I am crazy. She says that this woman just wants to ease her conscience and that I shouldn’t give her that luxury. She says that I shouldn’t do this for her. But I almost feel like I am doing it for myself also.”

Honestly, I would never tell anyone to forego something that might help them to feel better. This is a difficult time. And if you feel that this is going to bring you some relief, then I am not sure that I should discourage you.

However, I can tell you from the correspondence that I get, very few wives express closure or positive results from personally meeting with the other woman. Many describe the encounter as painful, awkward, and as bringing on more uncertainty and doubt. However, I do have to admit that most of the people behind this correspondence didn’t personally know the other person beforehand. So, I concede that this situation is different.

I can tell you that, in my own situation, I personally didn’t really care what the other person’s experience was. I understand that this might sound insensitive of me. Or self centered. But I am just being honest.

I was struggling with my own issues. It was difficult enough for me just to deal with myself. So taking on yet another issue just wasn’t something that I was willing to do.

Plus, I know myself very well. And I know that I was having serious issues with images of the affair going through my mind most of the time. I knew that if I added the image of the other woman actually communicating with me, that was an image that I was going to struggle with and remember over and over again. So it would be like being wounded repeatedly. Why give myself one more thing to overcome?

I also understand that this wife was looking at it as an almost kind thing to do – to show the other woman some respect and compassion. This is commendable. But I just couldn’t have mustered it in my own case. I knew that the person that I most needed compassion for was myself.

However, with all of this said, only the wife knew if this was going to be healing or therapeutic for her. What didn’t work for me might work for her and vice verse.  If she was unsure, my suggestion would be taking a couple of days to think about it before you make any commitment.  If after several days you still think you want to do this, do the least that you can that puts you in the least vulnerable emotional position.

In other words, if you’d like to hear or accept her apology, wouldn’t it better to respond by email so that you have an out if things don’t go the way that you planned? Or tell her beforehand that she has two minutes and two minutes only and that you are out of there after that? You can change your mind later, but it’s best to give yourself an easy out if things aren’t going as planned.

It’s just something to think about. If you truly feel that you should accept her apology, it’s honestly up to you. There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s really about what helps you heal. Always put yourself first. You have to put your own well being first. She can be responsible for herself in the same way that you are being responsible for your self.

I don’t think that there is right or wrong answer here.  But I have to be honest and say that I rarely see a face to face meetings going well. There are always exceptions.  And the fact that the wife knew this woman well might change things.  What is most important, though, is your own healing.  You’re welcome to read more about my own healing journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I think that it is fair to say that finding out about your husband’s affair is probably one of the worst things that many of us can imagine. It can cause, pain, panic, and behavior that is frankly not typical of you. I’ve had women tell me that they were acting sort of outside of themselves during this time period and they just could not control themselves. We’ve all heard of people who throw their cheating husband’s clothes on the lawn. But I’ve heard of women taking things even further than this. And when many are partaking in this out of control behavior, they want to stop. They know that they should stop. But it’s very hard to remain calm and control yourself when this is happening to you.

I might hear from a wife who says: “honestly, I’m afraid of what I might do. I have never been so angry in my life. I am normally a very calm and introverted person. I hate confrontation. I rarely lose control of my emotions. But this has brought out something scary in me. My husband has been having an affair with his coworker. When I found out, I immediately went to his work and caused a huge scene. I told his boss that he should fire my husband. I threatened the other woman. I told my husband’s family and friends. I had a melt down at my kid’s school the other day. I can not sleep. I can not eat. I feel as if I am very close to just exploding and making a fool of myself and embarrassing my children. How can I calm myself down? I am embarrassed by my behavior and I don’t want for my children to see me this way.”

I really feel it deeply when I hear comments like this because I remember feeling this same way. And as if dealing with the affair isn’t bad enough, feeling like you’re losing control of yourself just makes it all so much worse. I have to tell you that I am not a mental health professional. But I highly suggest that you reach out to one. I know that very few of us want to do this, but I do believe that it can often be very helpful. If for some reason that it’s an unattractive or unavailable option to you, then consider reaching out to a priest or trusted friend. Sometimes, you need to be able to release your emotions to a supportive third party and this will give you some relief.

Some Things I Found Calming: I can tell you some other things that have helped me. Journaling was invaluable to me. When I wanted to lash out at my husband, I skewered him with my words in my journal. I didn’t edit anything and I was brutal. If I were to read my words today, I am sure that I would blush a little. But it sure felt good to let it all hang out. I wrote for hours and hours and filled up notebook after notebook (which I later burned.  I wouldn’t want any one to read them.) Obviously, I had a lot of things to release. And I always felt like even friends who loved me probably got sick of hearing the same old sad story from me. So I turned to my journal where I didn’t have to justify anything to any one and I didn’t have to worry about feeling embarrassed.  I kept this going for a long time, even as I began to improve.  When I filled a journal, I would read through it to check for progress.  I would burn it.  And I would start another fresh one.  This began a ritual for me.  And with each new journal, I did feel that I was making progress and becoming healthier each time.  Having that release and seeing that progression was priceless.

I also tried meditation and yoga. I found yoga beneficial right away. But meditation was a disaster at first. I could not shut off my brain. I would get quiet and start breathing and then of course thoughts of the affair would come into my head. I tried mantras and refocusing on my breath but none of this helped until one day, I tried music. I found some calm, meditative music online and listened to it through headphones on my phone while closing my eyes. I eventually took this a step further and listened to the music while walking and this was the best combination for me. The physical movement coupled with the calm music finally allowed my mind to empty. I started walking briskly and I lost a good amount of weight, which helped me feel much better about myself. You might have to experiment to see what works best for you. But if you find that combination that quiets your mind, then it is worth repeating regularly until you find that you just aren’t so tortured any more.

Finally, when I found myself getting angry by my husband’s presence, I learned to take a step back. Sometimes, just the sight of him would make me furious and would leave me feeling out of control. And for the longest time, I would respond by engaging with him. I finally clued into the fact that this was only making things worse so I learned to take a walk or to just leave the situation for as long as it took for me to calm down. To be honest, we did live separately for a while because his every day presence was just was too upsetting for me at first. But I learned that living in two homes eventually wasn’t necessary as I learned to take a break when I needed it.

When all of the rest of this failed, I thought of my kids.  I would picture them on a therapist’s couch talking about the pain their parent’s fighting caused them.  Yes, I was angry that I was having to clean up my husband’s mess.  But I wasn’t going to cause my kids one ounce of pain.  And that was something that I could control.  I am much more motivated by my kid’s wellbeing than anyone else’s, including my own.

I don’t have to tell you that a loss of control can lead you to do things that you will regret. If you didn’t already know that, you wouldn’t be reading this article. Identifying the problem is half the battle. Taking constructive action is the next step. Please get some help if you need it. There is no shame in it. None of this is your fault. And then, learn how to release your feelings and then to turn off your mind for a while. This is what helped me.

Of course, healing my marriage helped too.  But you can’t heal your marriage until you are receptive. And you aren’t going to receptive until you can be calm.  Just take small steps day by day.  This is a process. You’re welcome to read more about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s normal and understandable to make requests or even demands after your spouse cheats. Unfortunately, not all of these requests are met with calm agreement. In fact, they can make the cheating spouse angry or defensive. One specific example is the request to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases or STD’s.

A wife might explain: “I am horrified at the fact that I continued to have sex with my husband while he was cheating on me. The only reason that I would ever allow this happen is that I didn’t know. If I had known, I would never have allowed him to touch me. But now I’ve found out that he’s been cheating with a younger woman. I hate to think who or what is in this woman’s sexual past. My husband wants to work things out with me. He even took the initiative to make an appointment with a counselor on his own. He has begged me not to move out and he’s tried to be affectionate to me, but I am not interested in anything that he is offering right now. And I’ve told him that if he even wants me to consider having anything to do with him in the future, I want us both to go and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. He became very angry about this. He said I’m acting like the other woman is a drug user or something when she’s not. I told him that really, details about her don’t have much to do with this. I then asked him if he used protection and he finally admitted that he did most of the time, but a few times, he did not. I told him that this was really all I needed to know and that we weren’t going any further until we both got tested. He stormed out and has been very chilly toward me since. Am I out of line? I mean, this other woman could be the nicest person in the world, but if she would have unprotected sex with my husband, she could have had unprotected sex with someone else in her past. And that means that I may now be exposed.”

I absolutely do not think you are out of line – at all. You are being smart. Frankly, this is something that people don’t often talk about. And they would rather turn a blind eye to it because the thought of what you’re are really “sharing” with the other person is so unsavory. And scary. And that is unfortunate. But this is your health that we are talking about. You’re right to be careful, cautious, and smart about this.

Your husband may be taking this request as an attempt to punish him, shame him, or make a statement about his judgement regarding the other woman. This is all unfortunate, but it doesn’t negate the fact that he had unprotected sex, then potentially exposed you, and now is still in the dark as to the status of his health.

He doesn’t have to like this. I’m sure it’s not a fun process for either of you. But he should take responsibility for it. He should do what needs to be done.

Ideally, this request might be more effective coming from his counselor. I would suggest offering to go to an appointment with him and then bringing this issue up. I can’t imagine any counselor not immediately agreeing with you that the testing should be done at once.  Frankly, your husband’s anger may well be directed toward himself but being projected onto you.  His counselor should hopefully be able to help him see that.

In the meantime, there is nothing stopping you from going for testing yourself. No, you can’t necessarily control when or if he tests himself. But you can control your own testing. And you can make it clear that you have no intentions of being receptive to him (much less intimate with him) until he moves forward.

If you want to address this before you see the counselor, you might try something like: “I know that this isn’t something that’s pleasant to talk about, but it’s reality. It needs to be done. We are talking about our health. If you care as much as you say, I’d think you’d want to protect and help me in this way. We can’t change what’s in the past, but that doesn’t mean that we have to move forward without all of the information. I’m making an appointment for myself either way. But I’d think you’d want to come along also. Frankly, it would be irresponsible not to. Anytime you have unprotected sex, you need to be tested regardless of who the person is. If the roles were reversed, I’d certainly expect you to want me to get tested and I would agree to do so.”

If he still refuses, even after this conversation and the counseling, it will be up to you as to how you want to handle it. However, regardless of his decision, I’d encourage you to take matters into your own hands as far as your own health is concerned. You can be tested regardless of what he does. And this will likely allow you to feel a greater sense of control.  And, you don’t need to announce to anyone why you are doing this.  There’s nothing weird or out of the ordinary about getting yourself checked out in all areas of your health.

During your healing process, you may find many things that are difficult but necessary.  But every time you face them head on and take control, you gain a little more of your power back.   Don’t doubt yourself here.  Your health is important.  Regardless of what he decides, make no apologies about looking out for yourself and your own health.  You’re welcome to read more about my own healing and health on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Like many others, I watched “True Tori” last night with some interest. I try to avoid reality TV or tabloid articles, but I knew that I might get emails about this and I wanted to be informed. I watched this show with a very good friend. While we were watching my friend said: “do you get the impression that her main reason for even considering taking him back is that she is overwhelmed with raising four kids on her own? I mean, everyone would be. I would be too. But is that a valid reason, to take back someone who cheated on you?”

Honestly, it’s not for me to say. I’m not a therapist or counselor. But, more important than that, I don’t think it’s anyone else’s place to judge or second guess Tori or anyone else. I can tell you my opinion, but that is all it is – just one person’s opinion. Tori and anyone going through this should make decisions based on their own wishes and perceptions – and not that of anyone else. Everyone else’s opinion should not factor into the equation – at all.

Also, I’m not going to comment on the “reality show” aspect of this topic.  I find it interesting that people are accusing them of “faking” the affair or doing this all for money or attention.  I have no knowledge of this and certainly hope it isn’t true.  To me, the emotions looked real.  But then again, the emotions and reactions that go along with affairs vary.  There is no “one size fits all.”  Regardless, it’s not really my, or anyone else’s business.  Now, onto the topic of whether or not raising your kids on your own should factor into your decision.

Frankly, any time you make a life decision, you typically factor what your life would be like should you make one choice over another. For example, if you got offered a new job, one of the factors that you would consider is what your life would be like if you accepted it. You’d likely consider your new quality of life, your new lifestyle, your stress levels, and how all of this impacted your family’s life. You’d likely ask yourself if taking the new position would make your family’s life, as a whole, better or worse.

This is really no different. It’s absolutely normal, understandable, and frankly admirable to consider your children.  Becoming what is essentially a single parent without a live in spouse is often a realistic consideration. Because it is going to impact your children’s upbringing, your stress levels, and how you experience your life.

In my perception, (and of course I could be wrong because none of us can say what anyone else feels or thinks,) it doesn’t appear to me that the kids were the ONLY reason Tori was considering keeping an open mind. Sure, she mentioned that allowing Dean to come back home would mean she would have an extra set of hands. At one point, she even said “I could use the help.” But, she also said some other things which were telling. She admitted that she missed him because he was her best friend and soul mate. She said one thing with which I could deeply relate. She said something to the affect of: “you have someone in your life for seven years and then they’re just gone. That’s hard.”

It IS hard. I think that people sometimes underestimate how much this can shock and shake you.  Even when you are angry, there is a sudden void.  And it’s very painful.  There are a lot of emotions and considerations that you are juggling. And although it seems that one of Tori’s concerns were raising her kids alone, I strongly suspect that she was thinking of plenty of other factors.

I fully admit that my children, their lives, their upbringing, and what I could offer them alone went into my thinking when evaluating my marriage. I don’t see a thing wrong with this. Because I feel that my being a parent is every bit as important to me as being a wife. The two things are connected. And even if I had divorced my husband immediately, he was always going to be my children’s father and in my life. There was no escaping that.

So the next question, I think, is outside of the kids.  And that question is whether or not a happy life is salvageable.  If it’s ONLY about your kids, then you run the risk of parading around a loveless and miserable marriage in front of your kids. This isn’t ideal either. I think it’s OK for your kids to be a big inspiration – so long as there is some semblance of a connection or a desire for the marriage there somewhere – even if it is buried underneath the anger.

This seems the case for Tori. She repeatedly made comments about missing Dean and being excited to see him, although she admitted this made her “seem weak.” I understand her considering being essentially a single parent and how difficult that would be. But this clearly isn’t her only reason for waiting to see what will happen. And I think that’s a very important distinction.

I can’t imagine going through this in the public eye and facing the type of scrutiny that they have. I can’t imagine cameras following me during this type of crisis. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be. I’m pulling for Tori as much as I’d pull for any woman going through this.  I’m not here to question her motivations and I completely understand your children heavily factoring into the equation.

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By: Katie Lersch: Most people assume that the thing that bothers the faithful spouse the most about the cheating is the sex with someone else. Many are surprised to learn that what is most bothersome to one person may not be the central issue for another. For some people, it is the sex. For others, it is the betrayal. And more still are most troubled by the dishonesty.

I might hear from a wife who says: “when my husband and I were dating, he knew that honesty was the most important thing to me in terms of my relationships. My mother is a pathological liar and this has hurt me for my entire life. It is part of the reason that I no longer have a relationship with her. Also, my ex fiancee lied to me about really important things which is why we never got married. I think that honesty says everything about a person’s character and my current husband knows this. And that is why it doesn’t surprise him to know how angry I am about his affair. The fact that he had sex with someone else bothers me, of course. But what bothers me about ten times more than that is the dishonesty. It’s the fact that he repeatedly lied to me about his whereabouts while he was with her and then he lied again to cover up his tracks. I just can not get over this. I can not stop thinking about it. My husband is absolutely begging me to give him another chance. And I did agree to that for a short time. But, now I doubt any claim that comes out of his mouth. I always think that he is lying to me and that is no way to have a marriage. Sometimes, I accuse him of lying even when he is telling the truth and this makes us both feel angry. I just can’t see us moving past this. My husband says that I am wrong to not even give him a chance. Am I? Because I just know in my heart that I won’t be able to get over the dishonestly. Being truthful is very important to me in all of my relationships. I wouldn’t hang out or do business with a dishonest person so I certainly do not want to be married to one.”

I have always believed that, in a marriage, each party has an absolute right to their own valid feelings. And I feel that this is particularly true after infidelity. It is the faithful spouse’s right to make the ultimate decision as to what they want or need to happen. I am going to be honest and tell you that some people decide that the infidelity is a deal breaker from which they will never get over and they end their marriage as a result (no matter what their spouse might do or say.) This is a valid. Because no one can or should tell you that it is OK and that you will get over it if in fact you know that it’s not OK and that you will never get over it. You get to decide what works for you. You get to decide the outcome of your life.

I did save my marriage after my own husband’s affair and I have never regretted that. But I am also fully aware that this isn’t the answer or the decision that every one makes. I can tell you that some couples do eventually work through the issues that they imagined that they never would. It is hard work, but people are able to do it. There was a time when I was sure that I needed to end my marriage because I could never trust my husband when he left for business ever again. Well, years later, I can and I do – all of the time.

But what worked for me may not work for you or you may decide that you don’t even want to try. And that is your right. Most people know what is best for them and they don’t need anyone telling them that they are wrong. You don’t have to defend your reasoning. You didn’t do anything wrong and you are dealing with this situation that you didn’t ask for as best as you can.

I know that some people feel very strongly that once someone shows themselves to be dishonest that they can never be assumed to be truthful again. But, I don’t always agree with this because I have seen men rehabilitated repeatedly who go on to participate in marriages with integrity and honesty. However, I have also seen men who swear they won’t lie and cheat again and who ultimately do. So I am not going to try to convince you of a course of action either way.

I’m just going to tell you that whatever you are feeling is valid and whatever you ultimately decide is your right. Because you get to decide what is and is not a deal breaker for you. And you get to decide if somewhere down the road, you might want to be open.  Or not.

The dishonesty also bothered me as well.  But ultimately, I looked at the totality of my marriage and I had to admit that, up until that point, my husband had always conducted himself with integrity and honesty over the course of many years.  This counted for something with me.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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