Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very common for husbands who have been caught cheating to try to declare their love for their wife immediately afterward.  Because once it is clear that they might lose her, then they realize how catastrophic their behavior has truly been.  Sometimes, the wife might find this somewhat reassuring, but rarely does it even begin to approach being enough.  Although the words are nice to hear, they don’t make everything OK.  Not by a long shot.

A wife might say: “if you can believe this, my husband cheated on me with a vendor that we hired for our daughter’s wedding.  I am relatively certain that this is the only time my husband has cheated throughout our very long term marriage.  I will admit that planning this wedding has been very stressful.  Apparently the other woman called my husband pretending that she needed to meet to discuss something about the wedding.  I will never understand why my husband didn’t see something fishy about this.  Why would anyone want to meet with him about the wedding and exclude me, the mother of the bride?  Anyway, my husband was very naive and stupid. He admits that.  But honestly, that doesn’t matter to me all that much.  Because his stupidity doesn’t erase my hurt and humiliation.  I believe my husband told me about this because he was afraid that the other woman would make the affair obvious at the wedding.  I hated the thought of her being there, but it could not be avoided and I didn’t want my daughter to suspect anything.  At the wedding, my husband made a toast and instead of talking about my daughter and her new husband, he went on and on about his love for me, our marriage, and how he hoped my daughter could have the kind of life and love that we have had.  I guess he thought I was going to be happy about this because he acted quite proud of himself afterward.  I was appalled.  That was not the time or place. His words touched me, but I didn’t want for them to be put on display.  He said that he wanted for every one to know how much he loved me.  He said that he wanted for me to know it.  He wanted our friends to know it.  And he especially wanted the other woman to know it.  Well, I want him to know something too.  None of this makes any of it OK.  It doesn’t even make a dent in my pain.”

I absolutely understand.  Reassurance is nice.  But it is not healing.  It doesn’t undo what has already been done.  But nothing says that you have to accept this for anything other than it was – an attempt by your husband to reassure you of his love and commitment.  And so that your reaction is clear, there is nothing wrong with explaining.

You might say: “I’m honestly not sure how I feel about what you did.  I appreciate all of those things you said about me, but I don’t think it was the right time or place for it.  And it doesn’t really change anything for us.  Although it tells me that you still love me and you are aware of everything I’ve meant to you, it doesn’t take away that you put all of those things in jeopardy.  It doesn’t change the fact that in order to maintain that marriage which you talked so eloquently about, we have an awful lot of work to do, and even then, I don’t know what the outcome is going to be.  So while I was touched by what you said, I want to make it clear that we are still at the same place where we started – with a very damaged marriage that will need to be repaired.  What you said told me that you are willing to do the work to repair it – and that does matter to me – but we are at the very beginning stages.”

This way, you haven’t insulted him.  And you have acknowledged his effort, but you have also made it very clear that it really changes nothing.  At the same time, I hear from a lot of wives who would give anything for a husband remorseful enough and sincere enough to make a speech like that.  So, I agree with you that it matters.  And it’s very nice starting point.  And there is nothing wrong with using it for that – someplace to start with a good amount of goodwill and motivation.  But it doesn’t begin to make it OK.  And as long as your husband understands this, then there’s probably no harm done.

The folks at the wedding likely thought it was  a touching speech by a proud father and husband – and nothing more.  And the other woman likely got the message loud and clear.  So now it’s time to let that incident go and begin the healing process – provided that is what you want.  Because no matter what words your husband says, it really is your choice.

My own husband made quite a few public displays also.  It was as if he thought he had to prove his love in public.  I am a pretty reserved person and it always made me uncomfortable.  So I asked him to say these things privately.  And this gave him a better result, so he finally clued into the fact that he should keep our marital business just between us. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: After the person that you love cheats or has an affair, it often becomes pretty clear that they can’t give you what you really want – which is for the affair to never have happened. No matter how much they might want to, they can’t negate the event. They can’t make you forget the betrayal or the pain. They may have sincere and measurable sorrow. They may express this sorrow to you on a daily basis. And yet, for whatever reason, it just feels like a heartfelt attempt that falls short.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband cheated on me with an old girlfriend. He insists that it was only a one time thing after a night of drinking. He says he didn’t have to tell me, but he wanted to do so because he wanted to assure me that it will never happen again. He seems very sorry. I have seen him cry over this. I wake up in the middle of the night and I will find him sitting in the living room staring into space, clearly beside himself. So there is not any doubt in my mind that he is truly and completely sorry. I know that he is. And I know that in his mind, he doesn’t intend to cheat again. I also know that he didn’t have to tell me. But, for whatever reason, it just doesn’t seem like enough. Sure, he’s sorry. But his sorrow doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t take away my hurt. It doesn’t mean that the cheating didn’t happen. I feel like he is the one who gets to cheat. And I am the one who gets to pick up the mess. At the same time, I am not sure that I am ready to walk away from my marriage. But I just don’t think ‘I’m sorry’ is enough.”

I completely understand this. And I agree. ‘I’m sorry’ just doesn’t begin to cut it. Sure, it might be sincere. Sure, his heart might be breaking as much as yours is. But, his remorse doesn’t heal you. It doesn’t make this OK. With this said, he can go beyond his remorse. He can take the initiative to get you what you need to heal. And he can join you and stand by you in the process. Because frankly, both people can generally benefit from the healing. You don’t need my permission or my encouragement to tell him that need for him to go beyond his remorse and offer you more. But you most certainly have both.

I hear from a lot of women who are still struggling weeks, months, or even years after their husband’s affair. And many of them have husbands who insisted that he was really and truly sorry. So, why is the pain, distrust, and sorrow still there? Because they never insisted that the husband go beyond the apologies. And this is stopping before you are finished. In truth, I can see why this happens. It often seems a whole lot easier and less painful to just try to let it go and move on. Who wants to dwell?

But there is a difference between dwelling and the process of healing. And I don’t think that it is ever too late to insist on this. Many wives assume that their husband is going to be resistant to taking this any further. But many of them are pleasantly surprised. Often, he does want to do whatever needs to be done. But he doesn’t have experience with this. And he doesn’t know what you need unless you tell him.

I’d suggest a dialog that is some variation on this: “I have been thinking about our situation and I’d like to ask something of you. I know that you are sorry about the affair. I don’t have any doubt about that. But I still hurt. I am still struggling. I need more than just your remorse. I think that we could perhaps benefit from counseling or self help to move past this. Because just the remorse alone isn’t making me feel that much better. I think that I need more than this in order to heal. And I am hoping that  you will be willing to walk this path with me. Are you?”

Many men won’t need a lot of persuasion to agree to this. Most know that their behavior is the reason that you are in this situation so they have no problems doing whatever you ask of them. And many of them having been wishing all along that there was something that they could do to help you. So when you spell it out for them, they are more than happy to go along.

If they aren’t, then you need to make it clear that your healing is non negotiable. After all, a husband who really loves you and who is as sorry as he says should want to help alleviate your pain.  Remember that it is always your right to renegotiate if things aren’t feeling right to you.  And he doesn’t know unless you tell him.  I understand that this process is very difficult. I’ve been there.  You’re welcome to read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have long dealt with their husband’s affair. And, they are still in their marriage. Because they chose to stay. And there are various reasons for this. But now as time has passed, and perhaps circumstances have changed, they are questioning if things may have worked out in the way that they should have.

So you might hear the concern voiced like this: “my husband cheated on me very early on in our marriage. I stayed with him because he seemed very remorseful. And also, I was embarrassed to walk away from my marriage so early when all of my family and friends poured so much effort into my wedding and when all of my hopes and dreams were so wrapped up in it. I was very idealistic and I thought that there is only one person for every one. My husband apologized and promised to change his life style. He made good on this promise at that time. And we just moved on with our lives. I tried very hard not to think about it. I was new in my career and we needed one another in order to afford our new home. So I felt that it was in my best interest to stay. Fast forward seven years. We now have two children. My career is more successful than his. I’ve seen many of my friends divorce and remarry and be perfectly happy. I have seen friends leave cheating husbands and be much better off for it. I do not think that my husband has cheated on me except for the one time. But, he takes me for granted. And I noticed he’s starting again with some of those behaviors he was doing before he cheated – staying out late, not listening to me when I talk, and just seeming to be quite distant. Now I am questioning my decision to stay with him. I have made my own career. I could support myself. My only concern is my kids. What if I made the wrong choice?”

I understand this concern. I was worried that I made the wrong call myself after my own husband’s affair. But here is something that I firmly believe. Deciding to stay doesn’t mean that you can not negotiate going forward. Sure, you made a commitment to stay. But no one said that this commitment was nonnegotiable. You can always change things if they are not working for you. And, you can always tell your husband which things in your marriage you want to change.

This is only my opinion, of course. But I do think that more care should be taken once children are involved. Sure, your divorced friends seem to be happy now. But revisit them five or ten years down the road once the newness has worn off, and you might see an entirely new reality. Things aren’t always greener on the other side of the fence. And before I assumed that they were, I believe that I might try to green up the grass in my own yard.

As I see it, you may want to get still, get quiet, and ask yourself if approaching your husband or trying to implement some changes might bring about some improvements that might make you much more content with the way that things are. I’d like to give you one more thing to think about. It seems pretty clear that early in your marriage, your objective was to forget about the affair as soon as possible and to move on as quickly as you could. Although this can feel like a relief at the time, it can cause serious problems later.

Since you potentially didn’t address the issues, you may still be feeling resentment about that. But nothing says that you can’t revisit them now. And doing so may help you to leave this behind for good.

Before you make the drastic decision to leave or to walk out, you might try a dialog like: “I need to talk to you about something that has been bothering me. I don’t want to let it fester and damage our marriage. I have noticed that you have been coming home later from work and seem to be distracted. I could be wrong in my perceptions, but when this happens it makes me remember all of the hard times after the affair. And I realize that we never really healed. We just tried to move past it without doing any work on our marriage. As a result, I think that there are some areas where we are really struggling. I’d like for us to work really hard or maybe to see someone to help us. At the time, I was so young and I tried to pretend that everything was OK when it really wasn’t. Now, I can look back and see that I didn’t do us any favors by pretending and I would like to remedy that now. I think that there are some things that we both need to do in order to make our marriage as good as it can be. Are you willing to do that with me?”

You might be surprised to learn that your husband has also been feeling the disconnect and is more than willing to do something about it. If so, then isn’t it worth it to try rather than to tell yourself that you have only been wasting your time? Honestly, I’ve never been sorry that I stayed with my husband.  But I worked tirelessly to create the marriage that I wanted after the affair. You’re welcome to read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who were expecting a long, drawn out explanation from their guilty husband after they have caught him cheating or having an affair. Instead, all these wives are hearing is silence – perhaps also accompanied by dirty looks – encompassing what many of us call the silent treatment.

I might hear from a wife who says something like: “the great irony of all of this is that I felt like my husband was cheating about six months ago. He was acting funny and didn’t seem interested in me or in my marriage anymore. And he was spending more and more time at work. I asked him about this and he tried to convince me that I was making crazy accusations. He told me that I was too insecure and that he didn’t appreciate me accusing him of something that was baseless. Well, a couple of days ago, he very dumbly left his phone on the kitchen table. I found texts and emails from a woman who he was obviously cheating with. Her email address was one used for the company where my husband works. She was dumb enough to be sending these kind of emails at work. Anyway, as soon as my husband came to retrieve his phone, I lit into him. He grabbed his phone from me and didn’t say a word. He hasn’t said a word since. I keep waiting for him to approach me or try to explain. But he is avoiding me. After hours of this, I started to think that maybe he was going to leave the house and go to be with her. But he never did. He’s still here. He’s still eating and sleeping here. But he is not talking. This morning, I could not take it anymore and I approached my husband and asked him if he was just going to mope around not saying anything. He just stared at me, never said a word, got in his car, and left. He came back a couple of hours later with some grocery bags full of food that we needed. But he has never once discussed the affair or anything else. It’s like he refuses to talk to me if that is what I want to talk about. Why is he doing this and how can I stop it?”

This is a very frustrating and childish tactic. Unfortunately though, it is one that is very common. There are many things that he might be trying to do. He may feel like the longer he delays this conversation, the less venom you are going to have toward him. Or, he may be trying to put you in a situation where you are the one doing all of the talking. In this way, he’s attempting to shift the balance of power.

There are other possibilities too. He may honestly not know what to say. He may know that the conversation is going to be difficult and painful so he wants to delay it. He may be very embarrassed or ashamed.

Whatever the reason, you can decide how you want to handle this. Nothing says that you have to wait for him to start talking. However, you can’t force him to talk. You can tell him your stance on this though. So I’d suggest getting very clear on what you want to happen and how much more silence you can tolerate. Frankly, there is always the option of just going about your business and waiting for him to take the initiative. He clearly doesn’t plan to leave. And you have done nothing wrong. So why should the burden be on you? He has to say something eventually.

If you’d like to be more direct, you might try something like: “I can see that you’re not in any hurry to talk about this. But surely, you must know that we can’t tiptoe around this forever. I won’t be in a marriage where we just ignore our problems. And if you want to continue to be in this marriage then you’re going to need to talk to me about this eventually. I can sort of understand your wanting to avoid this conversation, but it’s going to happen eventually. And waiting just means that things will become more and more awkward. The conversation won’t get easier with the passage of time. If it were me who cheated, I would want to talk to offer you an explanation right away. I can’t understand why you aren’t. And since you won’t say anything, all I can do is speculate. I’ll wait to hear from you. But your self imposed silence doesn’t make things easier on either of us.”

This may be all the ice breaker he needs to begin with words. If he is posturing, he will hopefully see that this strategy won’t work. Or, he may still be too embarrassed at the questions he knows will come out during the conversation. But as long as he knows that he can’t delay this forever, he will likely just want to get it over with at some point. But it’s very important to remember that you didn’t do anything wrong. So the burden of conversation should not be yours alone.

There was a time when my husband clammed up after his affair.  I decided to just wait him out.  I am not saying that this is the right strategy for you.  Every one is different.  But I didn’t feel that the burden of conversation was mine to take on.  Eventually, he saw that I was willing to wait, and he began to talk.  I do remember being very frustrated with this though.  It helps to decide if its more important for you to talk right away or more important to make it clear that you won’t be taking on the initiative on this when it’s not your fault.  That’s a decision that only you can make. You’re welcome to read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I occasionally hear from folks who at one time made the decision to leave their spouse to be with the person with whom they have been having an affair. At the time, this can seem to be the right decision. Because they really believe that they are in love with this other person and that they can not bear to be without them. They believe that the other person feels the same way about them and is equally committed to leaving their own marriage. But, when this assumption turns out to be false, not only can it hurt, but it can leave you wondering what happens now.

As an example, you might hear from a wife who says: “I’m embarrassed that I was willing to throw everything away for the other man. But this is true. I was and probably still am in love with him. I was sure that I could not live without him. I was sure that my marriage was completely over and could not be revived. We agreed that we would both leave our spouses and be together. We agreed that we would figure out how to blend our families later. So, thinking that I was starting a brand new future, I confessed everything to my husband and I told him that there was nothing that he could do to make me stay. I got an apartment where the other man would live with me. I waited for the day to come when we would live together. Well, he never has lived here. When he first told his wife, he decided to stay at a hotel because he didn’t want to give his wife too much to deal with at first. I was upset about this but I thought that in time every one would adjust. I fully believed that we belonged together and therefore, the universe would find a way to make it work for us. I suppose I was wrong. Because after the other man stayed in the hotel for about ten days, his wife decided that she would take him back and he went back. He told me that he has to put his family first and that he thinks that if I leave them alone, he and his wife can get their marriage back on track. I am devastated about this. Where does this leave me? With no one. Because now I have ruined things with my husband. I went on and on about how we belonged together. I made a fool out of myself. Now I realize that my husband is the one I should have stood by. What can I do now?”

I know that this must be devastating. You’re likely feel like the odd person out. But think about it this way. If the other man was weak in his convictions, then it is probably better that you find out now. And frankly, relationships that start off as affairs have a very little chance of success. So this probably saved you a little time, aggravation, and heart break. Because as much as it hurts now, imagine how much it would hurt if you invested even more time and emotion into it.

As to what to do about your marriage, although I’m glad that you are seeing your husband in a more realistic and favorable way, I’d suggest just focusing on yourself for a bit. Both you and your husband have been through a huge amount of emotional turmoil. Any attention that you give to your marriage right now is likely to be scattered. And your husband is likely to wonder if your change of heart is happening only because the other man went back to his wife. (I was the spouse who was cheated on in my own situation. And this is what I would have thought.)

But if you take a little time to evaluate where you are and what you want moving forward, then you will be a much better place when and if it is time to turn your attention to your marriage. But I would suggest allowing things to settle for a bit before you make any lasting decisions.

I know that you may feel as if you have been left in the cold. But, this might turn out to be the kindest thing that could have happened for you. It could be stopping you from making a huge mistake before you invested even more into it. And in the long run, it may matter to your husband and to your family that you never ultimately lived with the other man – if it comes to that.

But for now, take some time to really get quiet, get centered, and focus on what you really want moving forward. It may or may not be your marriage. But it should be whatever is in your own best interest and in alignment with what you really want tomorrow.

Focusing on myself was time well spent after my husband’s affair.  If I hadn’t taken this time, I believe that our marriage would not have recovered as it did.  Because the time made me stronger and better able to handle the challenges in my marriage.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: In a perfect world, your spouse would take absolute responsibility for his cheating – no matter how it happened. This is true whether the spouse planned out the cheating or not. Unfortunately though, many spouses believe that their offense isn’t as bad if they never planned to cheat.  In other words, they think that the lack of premeditation makes a difference. And many of them don’t understand that their lack of planning doesn’t negate their act.

For example, I might hear from a wife who says: “I don’t doubt that my husband is sorry for cheating. I know that he wishes that it had never happened. I know that he worries about what is going to become of our family. But he stops short of taking complete responsibility for it. He keeps repeating that he isn’t a bad guy because the cheating ‘just happened.’ He says that he didn’t care a thing about the other woman and that it was not going to be a long term affair. My husband is a pilot. Because of bad weather, he got stuck in a destination and could not get out. Also, there wasn’t enough rooms, so the crew had to share. He ended up having to share a room with another pilot – but this pilot was a woman. Apparently, one thing lead to another and they had a one night stand. My husband said he doesn’t even find this woman attractive and will stay away from her. He says he’s never cheated before and never will again. And he feels that because it ‘just happened,’ mostly because of experiences outside of his control, I should give him a bit of a pass. Quite frankly, I could care less how it happened. I don’t care if he planned it or intended for it to happen or not. It doesn’t matter to me in the least. What matters is that it did happen and now I hate that my husband’s job takes him away on overnight trips because I feel like I can not trust him. And I wish that he would take more responsibility. Because until he does, I have doubts about him and I’m not sure if I even want to keep fighting for my marriage. What do you think of the ‘it just happened excuse?'”

I have to say that I agree with this wife. Because frankly, as any point, the cheating spouse can stop the act. Yes, they might find themselves in a compromised position that they did not intend. But there is always the opportunity to stop and say “I’m sorry. This is wrong and I need to stop and remove myself from this situation.” It is a choice to continue on with the act and to actually cheat on your spouse. No, this husband could not control the storm and the circumstances. These things were not his fault. But it was his fault that he chose to act on those circumstances and cheat on his wife. And, he is not doing himself any favors by depending on this lame excuse.

Because the truth is, whether he intended to cheat or not, he did. And his cheating is going to potentially damage your marriage in the same way it would have even if it was a long term affair where he had chance after chance to stop but didn’t. The trust is still damaged. The pain is still there. The betrayal still hovers.

Sometimes, a man will figure this out all on his own when it becomes obvious that his excuse is not going to fly. And sometimes, you are going to have to address this and spell it out. You might consider saying something like: “It seems pretty obvious that you seem to think that the circumstances of this negate your blame and your responsibility. That’s not correct. I know that the storm and the accommodations weren’t your fault. But the fact that you cheated is your fault. You could have stopped it at any point. But you did not. And regardless, I am still struggling with the knowledge that my husband has cheated on me.  I still struggle with the fact that the trust in my marriage is potentially shattered. In order for our marriage to make it, we need to rebuild. And in order for me to even want to rebuild, I’m going to need for you to take full responsibility instead of you giving me excuses. Because whether you believe your excuse or not, it only delays our progress. No matter how many times you explain it, the truth is, it still comes back to the same thing. You betrayed me. You slept with someone else – whether you expected it or not. We need to work through this, but we can’t start the process until you drop the excuses.”

The good news is that most people do eventually abandon these lame excuses once they see that you are not going to fall for them. Just stick to your convictions and make it clear that your opinion is not going to change, no matter how many times he repeats his excuse.

I had to use this same technique in my own situation.  At first my husband clung to the fact that he was in a strange place and far from home when he cheated.  So what?  It didn’t matter and it still doesn’t.  Eventually he came to understand this and we were able to move forward.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling with the reasoning or the justification that their husband has provided for having an affair. One example of this is that of loneliness.

A confused wife might tell this story: “for several weeks, my husband could not give me a straight answer when I demanded to know why he would have an affair – especially regarding the person he cheated on me with. I know that I am going to sound mean and spiteful when I say this. But the other woman is ugly. No, that’s not even accurate. She is absolutely hideous. She doesn’t even try to look good. She’s overweight and she wears clothes that are way too tight. She looks like a sausage coming out of the casing. I guess she thinks she looks good or she is showing off her body. But it is not a good look. Anyway, I do not get it. I am much more attractive than her. And I am a good wife. So I would ask my husband to please explain this to me because I just did not understand. He would give me stupid vague answers like ‘well why do men cheat? I guess I am no different.’ I never bought this, so I kept at him. And one day I guess he got irritated with the questions and he blurted out: ‘I cheated because I was lonely, OK? I cheated because I was so lonely that I just could not stand it. No one ever listens to me or cares what I am feeling. The other woman may not be all that much to look at, but she is the best listener that I have ever known. I could tell her anything.’ Now, nothing he could have said could have shocked me more. I was bracing myself for him to tell me that sex with her was off the charts. But no, instead he’s telling me that he’s wildly attracted to her listening skills. None of this makes any sense. I talk to and listen to my husband all of the time. He is surrounded by people he has known his whole life at his work. My kids are very close to him and they all gather together in the evenings to watch sports together. He has an entire church community that loves him. My husband is not a loner. He has plenty of friends. He is constantly expressing himself. Lonely? That one just takes the cake. How is this a valid excuse by a man who is always around people who love and care about him?”

I have to be clear when I say that I don’t condone any excuse for cheating. And I really don’t care what it is. But the whole “lonely” explanation actually comes up quite a lot. I hear from a lot of men who use it. And I don’t believe that they mean the word lonely in the way that you might assume.

As I understand it, they don’t mean that they don’t have anyone to listen to and sympathize with them. What they mean is that they don’t always feel understood – and frankly, this is sometimes no one’s fault but their’s. They can begin to feel like no one sees the real person outside of the persona. They perceive that no one knows who they truly are on the inside.  You know the saying “you can feel lonely in a room full of people,”  well, that saying applies here.

I don’t know if you’ve read any of the data about how much social media affects our society and actually leaves us feeling quite lonely even though, on the surface it appears to connect us. Sure, we may have a lot of facebook “friends” but allowing us to communicate by “liking” something or by tweeting a limited number of characters is quite limiting in terms of feeling connected.

And this extends outside of our facebook friends. We are drastically changing our level of connectedness as a whole. As a society, we do not deeply connect in the way that people did before there was email, social media and texts. People used to have knock on one another’s doors, sit on one another’s porches and really talk. We don’t have that today. And we feel this void.

Sometimes, I think that people assume that women feel this void more deeply than men. But over and over, I see that this is not the case. Men want to feel seen, heard and appreciated just as much. I’m particularly fascinated by the work of Gary Neuman, the marriage counselor who was often on the Oprah Winfrey show who insists that according to his research, the top reason that men cheat is for emotional reasons instead of sexual ones.

I am not in any way saying that your husband was justified in feeling any of these things. It is not your fault that he didn’t take advantage of your presence when he felt the need to connect. The fact is that many of us can feel really lonely, but frankly, this is partly our fault when we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable and we don’t seek out the connection that we say that we want.

In healing, I’d suspect that your husband would want to address this. But he’s probably not telling you that he doesn’t have family, friends or loved ones. He’s likely telling you that he’s stop reaching out and therefore he doesn’t feel seen and understood. This isn’t your fault. And it doesn’t justify his cheating. But it might at least give you a starting point.

As I alluded to, in our society today, we have to be very proactive of establishing connections.  This doesn’t happen on its own anymore.  Even in families.  Even in marriages.  I try to be very aware of this in my own work on my marriage. You’re welcome to read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s understandable when a wife gives her cheating husband an ultimatum that he has to choose between her and the woman with whom he has been cheating or having an affair. But often she’s not anticipating a husband who announces that he doesn’t want to choose either woman.

As an example, I might hear from a wife who says: “when I found out my husband was cheating on me with a mutual friend of ours, I immediately told him that continuing on with his relationship with her was not going to be an option for me. I told him that he needed to end it at once. At first he didn’t say much of anything. But he continued to act weird so I asked him once again if he ended the relationship. He answered that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to do that. I told him that he could not have both of us and that he had to choose. It broke my heart to say this because I didn’t want to lose my husband. Despite his cheating, I have to admit that I still love him. After a couple of weeks, he told me that he had decided not to stay with either of us. He said that he needed to just be on his own without any relationships to determine what he wanted. Plus, he felt like if he chose one of us, he would be hurting the other one. And therefore, he would rather not choose either one. I am devastated. To be honest, I never thought that he wouldn’t chose me, especially because of our children. Will he eventually change his mind? Should I tell him what an idiot he is being?”

Understand What It Might Cost If You Apply More Pressure: I am not going to tell you that you are not justified in feeling what you feel. Because you are. It’s not fair for him to cause this type of pain and then to just walk away. However, bringing this to his attention isn’t likely to make the situation any better, unfortunately. It will likely only make him feel defensive – which makes him even more likely to retreat or to avoid you.

My own husband didn’t hesitate to end his affair, but I believe that if he did, I likely would have backed away a bit and focused on myself.  I have learned the hard way that when you attempt to manipulate, shame or guilt your spouse, you are almost assured to get the exact opposite behavior of what you are hoping for. Most always, we try to force him into acting or behaving in a certain way but he resists this because no one wants to feel as if they are an adult who hasn’t been given a choice.

Ultimately, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, you want him to decide to come back to you on his own. You want it to be his decision, made of his own free will without pressure.  I know firsthand that you are likely afraid to give him this option because you fear that if you do not apply the pressure and constantly remind him of his commitments to you, then he is going to move away from you, which means that your marriage might ultimately be over. I do understand this concern. But I have to tell you that giving a spouse ultimatums or threatening him rarely turns out well. I understand that you want to maintain your marriage. But it helps to try to think beyond this. Because ultimately, what you want is a healthy and happy marriage that has healed. This isn’t like if you have to force him to come back to you and then he resents this.

Why Working On Yourself Is Never The Wrong Path: Instead of applying pressure, I would suggest taking this opportunity to work on yourself. Sometimes when I suggest this, people tell me that working on themselves is wasting time while their husband is still undecided. I don’t see it as a waste of time. To me, it is just the opposite.

Because honestly, no matter what your husband ultimately decides, the outcome is only going to be enhanced if you are as emotionally healthy as you can possibly be.  Also, when you pick yourself and make yourself a priority, this sends a very strong and distinct message to your husband.  In essence, you are showing him that you are valuable and that you have other options rather than just waiting for him to change his mind.  I’m not insinuating that you should pretend that you don’t care about your marriage.  Obviously, you do.  And there is nothing wrong with being truthful about this.

But, you can’t control what he does.  You can, however, control what you do.  And one of the best things that you can do is to take care of yourself and do some self work to determine what YOU want.  So many wives in this situation are so worried about what their husband wants and what he is going to do.  But you should worry equally (if not more) about what you want and what you are going to do.

It’s not unusual for a husband in this situation to eventually change his mind.  I believe that this is actually more likely if you back away, focus on yourself, and turn down the pressure.  But there are many factors that go into how this turns out. That’s why I would suggest focusing on what you can control – which is you.

Taking the time to focus on myself after my husband’s affair was the best thing that I could have done.  I really can not overstate how important this was to my well being and to my recovery.  I also think that it made my husband respect me more and realize that I would no longer settle for bad behavior.   If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It is not an overstatement to say that a fifty cent spiral notebook saved my sanity after my husband’s affair. I had journaled off and on since high school, but there had never been another time in my life when releasing my words became so important and so healing. I’ve had people ask me if they should allow their spouse to read their journal after that same spouse has cheated.

I might hear from someone who says: “I have been keeping a diary since my husband and I first got married. I keep a journal outlining our lives together. I also keep journals for each of my children and I plan to give those journals to my kids when they are adults. Since I found out about my husband’s affair, I have kept hundreds of pages of my reactions and my pain. Last night, I was trying to make my husband understand how deeply his affair hurt me and how it has affected my thinking about my marriage. So I thought about allowing him to read my journal. Because this could express my feelings more accurately than I would ever be able to do this verbally. Before just handing my journal over though, I decided to think on it for a while. And here is where I have a couple of concerns. First of all, I am pretty harsh in some of my descriptions of my husband. I was very angry with him and I just let my hateful feelings fly because I never thought that he would read this. Second, I wouldn’t want for him to go riffling through my journal and reading other parts of it. Not that there is anything bad in there. It’s just that I don’t want him reading my personal thoughts about how often I fret about my wrinkles or my weight. This is personal stuff unique to me that I don’t want him to read about. Do you think there is any benefit in allowing him to read my journal as it pertains to the affair only?”

I have to say that I do understand your thinking here. You want to accurately express your pain, your shock, and your current thought process. And this is very hard to put into words that will convey what you truly want for him to understand. And also, I think that part of the appeal is that you hope that showing him this private part of yourself will create a sense of intimacy and will show that you are willing to be vulnerable, no matter how much he has hurt you.

So I do understand what you are thinking. But here is what I see as the downside. I know first hand how psychologically important it is to know that you have somewhere to unload without the fear of someone reading it or judging it. In fact, this is the reason that I have replaced that spiral notebook with an online journal that is double password protected. I don’t do this because I’m trying to deceive anyone. Most of what I write about is boring and would not interest anyone. Still, I want my thoughts to be my own. I want to feel free to truly express my feelings without worrying that I have to edit them in any way. If I ever had to worry that someone might read my words and judge them, then I would hold back on what I wrote – even if I didn’t mean to. And that would compromise the healing that I am able to achieve.  I want to feel free to release petty, childish or silly feelings – simply because I’m trying to move past them.  I would never want to have to edit myself in any way.

Here’s another concern. You don’t want to put yourself in a position where you’re needing or trying to prove something to him. It should be the other way around. With that said, here are what I think may be viable alternatives. You can find places in your journal which you believe are particularly relevant. Take the wording from those passages of your choosing and put them in a letter. That way, you control what your husband is seeing, he gets the benefit of your written words, but you are still free to express yourself in complete privacy and he hasn’t been given a pass to go riffling around in your past journaling.

I understand the struggle to get him to understand your feelings through verbal words. But I think that there are better alternatives than just letting him go through your journal. There is a reason that a journal is so freeing. And that is because you know that it is for your eyes only. When you show it to someone else, the spell is potentially broken. This is only my opinion, of course. But I’d never show my journal to my husband even though I adore him and even though we have healed. My journal is where I keep my personal thoughts and feelings and where I feel safe. If I knew that someone else would read these, than none of those benefits would be true any longer.

Journaling was absolutely vital to my healing.  I would never compromise it. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s a stereotypical idea that after someone finds out that their spouse has been cheating, they become overly emotional, enraged, or traumatized. You’d expect crying, screaming, and maybe even a little bit of rage. When you don’t get that, it can be unexpected. And the cheating spouse can be left wondering why the other spouse seems so calm and what this means for the marriage.

An example comment would be something like: “I thought long and hard before I admitted my affair to my husband. Actually, the relationship has been over for six months. But during that time, the guilt has really gotten to me. I started to feel so bad about the fact that my husband is investing in our marriage without any knowledge of how I have put that same marriage at risk. Because of my guilt, I have actually been distancing myself from my husband. This is the last thing that I want. My desire is for my marriage to be loving, healthy, and lasting. So I decided to tell him the truth because I felt that this was necessary for my marriage. So I braced myself and I told him. I expected for him to slam doors, become very angry, and maybe even to leave me. But, he didn’t do any of these things. He was very quiet. He asked if I had anything else to tell him. I answered that I had told him everything but that I was willing to answer any questions that he might have. He didn’t have any questions. He just kept quiet. He didn’t leave. He mostly approaches me in a methodical and business like manner. There hasn’t been any sex between us since I told him. But there hasn’t been any arguments or fighting either. He mostly just seems very calm and very detached. What does this mean? Why would he be acting this way?”

I can’t tell you what someone else is thinking. But as a spouse who has dealt with this harsh reality myself, I can tell you that there was a point when I too was very quiet and stoic. And, I can tell you what I was thinking and experiencing at the time.

Being Calm Is Often An Attempt To Remain In Control: I can’t tell you that I was completely calm all of the time. In fact, I was quite dramatic and emotional once I found out about the affair. This lasted for a while. It was so hurtful and shocking that I just could not contain my feelings.

But later, I did become very quiet and calm. And I think that one reason for this is that all of those over the top and highly emotional feelings scared me and made me feel out of control, which I did not like. The whole process was emotionally overwhelming. I didn’t particularly enjoy losing control of my battered emotions so I became closed off and stoic. I learned to release my emotions with trusted friends and with journaling.  But there was a time when I was careful not to release them in front of my husband.

Does that mean that I was no longer feeling negative emotions? Most certainly not. I was most definitely feeling them. Sometimes, it literally felt like I was steaming inside. But I kept a lid on them. And frankly, I think that there were times when my husband would have preferred that I would have lashed out at him. It bothered him when I wouldn’t share what I was feeling. But I didn’t always feel that he deserved to know what I was thinking and feeling.

I would suggest that you don’t assume that your spouse’s calm means that they don’t care or that they are not deeply hurt by this. Neither of these things are likely to be true. They could well be struggling to maintain control over their emotions and in time, those same emotions may start showing themselves more and more.

Because once my husband and I got down to the important business of saving our marriage, I started to let my emotions show much more. I realized that I needed to release them in order to heal them. But I wasn’t ready to do that in the beginning and I felt that it was my right to go at my own pace. This may be true in your case.

It’s my suggestion that the best thing that you can do right now is to be patient. Allow your spouse to express whatever feelings they find appropriate. If they do not want to release or discuss their feelings, then that is their right. And they should not be pressured or pushed. I suspect that their feelings will eventually come out. It’s hard to keep these things inside indefinitely. But they have a right to their feelings and they also have a right to display them when and how they want to. However, I wouldn’t mistake their silence or their calm for the assumption that they aren’t upset or hurt. They likely are. They just haven’t let you see this side of them yet.

My husband did have the good sense to help me go at my own pace and this was the right call because we did eventually save our marriage, even with the infidelity. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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