Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who deeply regret cheating on their spouse and who are now ready to get on with the work of saving their marriages. These spouses will often tell you that they would be willing to do just about anything to save their marriage if only given the chance.

The problem, of course, is that sometimes the spouse who was cheated on does not feel so generous about offering up that chance. Sometimes, the faithful spouse stops just short of kicking the cheating spouse out (which is a relief) but refuses to be alone with the cheating spouse. This can make working on the marriage quite difficult and it can make the cheating spouse wonder if she is going to ever have the chance to make this right.

An example is: “I regret cheating on my husband more than words can express. At this point, I don’t care what I have to do in order to get his faith back and keep my family. I am willing to do anything. But it doesn’t seem as if he wants to give me this chance. Don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful that he didn’t kick me out. He has every right to hate me. I cheated on him with a friend that he has had since grade school. We were drunk, but that’s no excuse. And there is certainly no excuse for me to continue it on the way that I did. I am very thankful that he has decided to give this a little time. We have children. I don’t want to tear my family apart. So I am grateful for the little victories and concessions that I have been given. But I worry about the future. Since the affair was exposed, my husband has not spent any time alone with me. He sleeps on the couch. He talks to the kids when we eat dinner but he does not talk to me. We met his parents for brunch last weekend and he talked around me, but he never addressed me directly. I have asked him when he’s going to be comfortable being alone with me because at some point, we are going to have to talk at length. And in order to do that, he is going to have to stop and be in the same room with me. But his response to me is that I have no right to make demands of him and that I should take what I can get for now. Is he right?”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t clear what kind of time line we were talking about. But, I think if the affair was so fresh that it had been weeks instead of months since it was discovered, it’s not completely unusual for the faithful spouse to avoid the cheating spouse. I don’t know this husband nor can I speculate on why he might be avoiding his wife. But as a spouse who has been cheated on, I can share with you why I avoided my husband at all costs at first.

I believe that the main reason that I didn’t want to spend any meaningful time with my husband at that time in our lives was because I was so angry. And as long as we were around our kids and other people, I was able to keep the lid on this anger because I didn’t want to boil over in front of every one else, especially our children. Frankly, I was afraid of my anger. Because I knew that once it started to boil over, it was going to spew out and potentially never stop.

Also, I knew if my husband got me alone, he was going to give me some sob story about why he cheated and he was going to list the reasons that I should give him a chance. Plus, he was sure to make me all sorts of promises. And I wasn’t interested in hearing it when the pain was so fresh, although I was interested it in hearing those things later.

The point is, when you try to see this from your spouse’s point of view, you could see why they may hesitate to have intimate or difficult conversations with you right now. Avoiding being alone with you is one way that they are attempting to handle this as best as they can. It’s very important that you understand how hurtful this likely is to them and how much they are struggling. Please try to give them the benefit of the doubt and be patient with them. In my own experience, rushing them or pressuring them is the worst thing that you can do.

So how do you handle this? You might want to try to ease the tension a little by addressing this directly. You might want to gently say something like: “I notice that you are uncomfortable being alone with me and I completely understand that. I don’t want to push or pressure you. I want you to know that I will wait for as long as it takes and I will be there when you are ready to talk. If you’d rather talk in the presence of a third party like a counselor, I’d be willing to do whatever would make you comfortable. I just wanted you to know that I will wait for whatever pace is comfortable for you. But I didn’t want you to mistake my lack of pressure as disinterest or my being passive. I desperately want to save our marriage and help you heal. But I understand that this is all going to be on your time frame and according to your comfort level. I’m here if you need me and I’ll wait to get a signal from you that you are ready to move forward.”

Be as gentle with the delivery as you can. Your spouse might still be angry, hurt, and confused. But they are likely likely to appreciate and acknowledge that you are both taking responsibility and not pressuring them. And these things do matter. At least it mattered to me.  All in due time, I was more comfortable being alone with my husband.  But I would not have appreciated it if he had pressured me. If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the most common concerns that I hear about from wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair is the other woman. It’s normal and natural to be curious about her. It’s understandable that you want to know what (and who) you are up against. It’s normal to want to know what attracted your husband to her and made him turn away from you and what he knows is right.

And often, you wonder if your husband has really given you all of the information that you might need about her. You might hear a wife say: “it is like pulling teeth to get my husband to give me any information about the other woman. It took me weeks to extract the information that he met her at his doctor’s office where he receives regular treatment at the same time that she does. It took me another couple of weeks to get him to show me a picture of her. I always ask him about what they talked about and what they had in common. He will reluctantly give me some of this information, but mostly he tells me that none of this matters anymore because the affair is over. I will usually respond by saying that I am not going to be satisfied until I know every significant detail about the other woman. And then he might throw some more crumbs my way. But I’m still not satisfied. I do believe that my husband isn’t seeing this woman anymore because he is always with me at this point. We work together. And he is generally never out of my site. But I still have so many questions about the other woman and about the affair. How do I know that he is telling me all that there is to know about her?”

Believe me when I say that I completely understand becoming even slightly obsessed by the other women. I don’t want to come off as insensitive here because I am anything but that. In fact, I am probably the opposite of that. I have been through this myself so I know at least some of what you are feeling and going through.

But here is my answer, although you might not like it. You can’t possibly know everything there is to know about her. You can’t see inside his brain. You can’t read his memories. You can’t take on his perceptions. Yes, you can try very hard (as many of us do) to pressure him into giving you facts and from that trying to form your own mental picture. But frankly, that is all it is going to be – an incomplete mental picture.

I suspect that I know (from experience) what you might be trying to do because I did the same. You figure if you can get a full and complete picture of her then you might understand why the affair happened. You might even be subconsciously trying to bring some of her more compelling attributes into your own marriage. But both of these aren’t likely to be as effective as you are hoping.  And this information can hurt more than it helps.

I know this from experience, unfortunately. I used to take the little bit of information that my husband gave me and then I’d start playing detective on my own. It was as if I was desperately searching for that magic tidbit of information that would give me all of the answers and start me on my path to healing.

But here’s what I found. Having those bread crumbs of information doesn’t do anything to quench that hunger for information. You might get one detail which leads to you another and then another. But you still keep searching. You are never satisfied. In fact, in my own experience, the more details that I knew about the other woman, the worst I felt. The more I gleaned about her, the worse I felt about myself and about my marriage.

I would never tell you that you shouldn’t have questions about her. But here is what I think is the most important thing to know – and most of this is already covered. You know that he met her at the doctor’s office. So now you know that you need to either go with him to his appointments or find a new doctor. You know that the affair is over and you should watch closely to make sure that this remains true. You know that he is trying to now focus on healing your marriage. And you will have to decide if this is what you also want.

I know that this may sound very simplistic. But time and time again, I see women thinking that more and more information about the other woman is going to help them heal. Frankly, I firmly believe that it does the exact opposite. It makes you worry more. It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you feel like you have to keep digging and can never stop.

If you feel that your husband is keeping something important from you, then address this. But know that once you know who she is, why he started the relationship, and whether or not it’s over, there really isn’t any more information that is vital. And searching for it is likely to just frustrate and hurt you. She doesn’t hold any magic answer for your healing. But you hold those answers.  You already have access to them.  You just need to start.

But to answer the question, I’m not sure that there’s any way for you to know if he’s told you everything about her. You can certainly address this in counseling as counselors are often very good at extracting information that the faithful spouse can not. But even then, no one but him can tap into his memories or his perceptions. It’s my belief that the best thing to do here is to make sure you have enough information to address what happened in the marriage and to know with certainty that it is over.

If these bases are covered, then why continue on to give her even more power over you? Honestly, in my opinion, leaving her behind as quickly as is possible is the best thing that you can do.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: By far, one of the most common concerns that I hear from wives who are trying to determine if they want to save their marriage with a husband who has cheated is whether or not that same husband will cheat again. Many wives feel that they might be willing or able to try to make things work if only they knew that it wouldn’t all be a waste once he repeated the same behavior and hurt her all over again.

And yet, all you have to do is turn on your television or pick up a newspaper or magazine to see proof that many men do cheat over and over again even when they are claiming that they are still faithful and even after proclaiming their love and their commitment to their wives.

An example of a comment that I’ll hear is something to the tune of: “my husband cheated on me with an old girlfriend who was in town when her mother became ill. There was about an eight week period when I noticed that my husband was just acting weird and I felt like something was going on with him. He swears that this is the first time he has cheated. However, after thinking about it, I can remember other times in our marriage when he was acting odd like this and it wouldn’t shock me if he had cheated before. His father is a serial cheater. And women always approach my husband. He is begging me not to leave him and break up our family. He says he will go to counseling and do whatever he needs to do in order to rehabilitate himself. I want to believe that. I really do. But I know so many serial cheaters in my life. And I have no patience for them. My mother has been married numerous times and so many of these low life men have cheated on her. I am starting to believe that some men are just born cheaters and they can not stop. I do not want to be married to one of these men. Do you think that men who cheat can really be rehabilitated?”

I Think That There Are Different Categories Of Cheaters: Well, if I thought that rehabilitation after cheating was impossible, then I wouldn’t be married today. However, to be fair, I do believe that some cheaters fall into different categories. There are some spouses who cheat only once, just briefly, and who never cheat again.

And then there are the men who cheat multiple times and who seem to need infidelity almost as if it is a drug. These are the spouses who will also lie without batting an eye and who will try not to take personal responsibility for their actions and will balk about going to counseling.

As is probably always obvious, I don’t put all cheating spouses into one category. That isn’t to say that I think that repeat cheaters are a lost cause who can never be rehabilitated. I think that they can be. But it takes constant work and treatment (like any other kind of addictive and destructive behavior which repeat cheating most certainly is.) And men who don’t take responsibility aren’t often willing to put in that kind of effort, which decreases the chances of them being rehabilitated.

Asking Yourself Which Category Your Husband Is In: In this case, this husband sounded more than willing to go to counseling and to work with his wife. And, while the wife had her suspicions about previous cheating, she didn’t know this for sure. It was probable that she was at least in part reacting to the behaviors of the people around her like her mother’s husband’s and her father in law’s – neither of whom were her husband. My thinking if he says he is willing to do whatever is necessary to be rehabilitated, then make him do exactly that and see what happens.  You don’t have to commit any outcome right now.  You can tell him that you are willing to wait and see.

I’d like to make one final point. It is not just the husband who needs to be rehabilitated. It is the entire family. Please don’t misunderstand. I am not saying that any one but the husband is at fault. But infidelity affects and damages the whole family unit. It is beneficial for every one to focus on healing. And the faithful spouse can often benefit from some help in restoring the trust and rebuilding self esteem. All of these things will make rehabilitation easier and more likely to last.

My answer to the original question would be that yes, it is absolutely possible for cheating spouses to be rehabilitated. It happens all of the time. It is not uncommon for someone to cheat only once and then to never cheat again. And these marriages can last and be very happy. But, the more times that infidelity has happened, and the less responsibility the cheating spouse is willing to take, the harder it will be for true rehabilitation to occur. This doesn’t mean that it can’t happen.

All rehabilitation takes a huge amount of commitment and work. But serial cheaters have more work to do, more triggers to uncover, and more damage to erase. It isn’t impossible, but the entire family needs to be onboard and it is an ongoing process.

Recovery and rehabilitation isn’t easy in either case.  But it is my reality that it is more than possible.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I’m pretty sure that if you were to ask any twenty cheating spouses what they most wanted once the affair was over, at least fifteen of them would say that they wanted their spouse’s forgiveness – especially among those who want to save their marriages. I have to tell you that in my experience and opinion, most people who cheat eventually deeply regret doing so. However, the reality quickly sets in that you can not take this awful thing back, and that it is going to have awful consequences that are going to very negatively impact your marriage and the spouse that you might still love. After looking at this reality, it’s very common to wonder if hoping that your spouse will one day forgive you is just a waste of time.

I might hear from a spouse who explains it this way: “I cheated on my husband while he was overseas in the military. I realize that this fact makes my infidelity even more heinous. Here my husband was fighting for our country and his own wife betrayed him. I am so ashamed of myself. I am not sure why I did what I did except for the fact that I was so stressed out and overworked having to care for my kids and the house all by myself. The affair was a boost to my self esteem and a stress reliever, I suppose. But that is no excuse. And I am filled with remorse. I know that it is selfish to even think about my spouse forgiving me one day. But this is what I would like more than anything. He says he doesn’t know if he can ever forgive me, even though he has agreed to try to make our marriage work because of our children. He says that he may not be able to get past the fact that he was working so hard for our family while I betrayed him. He also says that he doesn’t know how he can trust me the next time he goes overseas. One of my friends says that I am just wishing for the impossible. She said that people who have been cheated on don’t ever really forgive. Sure, they may agree to stay married, but you can’t ever truly forgive because the betrayal is too great. Is she right?”

This is just my opinion as someone who has been through this (on the side of the the faithful spouse. It was my husband who was unfaithful.) She may be right in terms of her own situation and her own marriage. But, choosing to forgive is a decision that every one must make for themselves. Whether or not it is going to be possible is going to depend on the depth of the betrayal and the feelings of the betrayed.

While I can’t tell you anything that I can guarantee will make your spouse forgive you, I can share some things that my husband did that encouraged me to forgive him. Notice that I didn’t say “make” me forgive him. Because I don’t think that this is possible and advisable. Your goal should be to set it up so that your spouse actually wants to forgive you out of their own free will and not from any manipulation on your part.

You Must Become A Spouse Who Is Above Reproach: The first thing that you can do is to sincerely become the most loving, loyal, and honest spouse that you can possibly be. You should never again hide or keep anything from your spouse. You should consider seeking counseling and / or work tirelessly to ensure that you have the strongest marriage that you possibly can. You need to make sure that you are patient and supportive. Don’t pressure your spouse or try to make them feel guilty because you feel miserable. Never try to make your spouse feel badly that they haven’t yet offered forgiveness.  Because this will make that same forgiveness less likely.

Make it clear that you realize that you are in this unfortunate situation because you put yourself there. Let them know that you are willing to take complete and total responsibility and are more than willing to give them whatever they need in order to feel secure. You should know that this isn’t likely to be fun. You may have to be quite humble and patient. But if that is what it takes, so be it.

Your Spouse Has To Be Made Whole Again Before They Can Truly Forgive: Here is something that I can tell you for sure that I hope you find helpful. Once your spouse feels loved, happy, and secure, the chances are much better that they will forgive you. I can tell you from experience that it is much easier to forgive once you can look at your life and honestly say that things are once again OK.

But if your spouse is still suspicious, angry, or hurt and your marriage is still struggling, then your spouse has plenty of reasons to still be angry and resentful. And all of this means that there is really no decent reason for them to forgive you. Because they haven’t yet been made whole.

That’s why I hope that by now it’s obvious that your job is to do everything in your power to make your spouse whole again. This means helping them to restore their self esteem, working hard to restore the trust and intimacy, and making sure that your marriage is solid once again. This isn’t a quick process. It took quite a while before I could forgive my husband.

But the reason that I forgave him is that I could look at his past behavior (before the affair) and his current behavior (after the affair) and it was relatively clear that he was conducting himself in a way that was meant to prioritize our marriage and our family. In short, he had been a good husband before the affair. And he worked very hard to once again become a good husband after the affair. Because of this, I decided that it cost me too much not to forgive. And I offered it because I wanted to and not because he pressured me to do so.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of people grappling to understand why their spouse cheated on them or had an affair. Contrary to popular belief, your marriage doesn’t have to be struggling in order for an affair to happen. In fact, a good deal of people that I hear from were sure that they were happily married. So, they are not just dealing with the hurt and the betrayal. They are also really struggling with the shock.

And, although the cheating spouse might really want to describe in detail why they cheated when things were going so well, they can have a hard time successfully putting this into words. As a result, the faithful spouse can doubt their sincerity and can feel even worse.

For example, I might hear from a wife who says “I know that this is going to sound crazy. But I was totally in love with my husband, my newborn son, and my life when I had an affair. I know that this makes me sound as if I am insane and not mentally well. I cringe even having to write this, much less having to say it. But it is all true. Honestly, there was nothing wrong with my marriage. I never intended to leave my husband. I was blissfully happy. I got a promotion at my job that I had been working toward for five years. It required regular travel, but my husband was supportive. Frankly, I was on cloud nine. I met the other man while traveling. And although the relationship wasn’t serious, we saw each other when I was in the other town. We never communicated when I was home. We’d simply hook up when I traveled. It really didn’t mean much to me, so I’m not sure why I did it, unless I was just overconfident and it relieved my loneliness when I was on the road. Honestly, my husband would have never found out if I hadn’t told him. We were talking about maybe trying for another child and my husband said that he wanted to move forward because things were going so well for us. That’s when I broke down and it all spilled out. My husband keeps asking me why I did this. He says that he feels like he did something wrong that made me unhappy. It’s not true. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was a wonderful husband. I had it all. A wonderful job. A wonderful family. And I risked the whole thing just to have a good time. I wasn’t thinking and that was so stupid. I want to explain this to my husband but I don’t know how. Because it doesn’t sound believable even to my ears and I’m the one who did it. What can I say to my husband to make him understand this? I truly was happy and maybe this happiness made me careless.”

I hear some variation on this comment quite often. Sometimes it is the husband saying this and sometimes it is the wife. But, it’s almost always someone who is saying that they were happy and that they had a good marriage. However, their faithful spouse doesn’t believe them. And the reasoning is that happy people do not cheat on their spouses. The marriage must be awful or the love must be lost for people to cheat. Or, if that’s not true, then there must be some sort of tragedy that happens in the cheater’s life that makes him cheat.

In truth, things can be different than this. Happy couples deal with infidelity and the stressors that contribute to cheating don’t need to be huge ones. I know that this wife said that everything was wonderful with her. But a couple of things jump out here. She had recently gone through life changes. And, even though they were happy and fortunate life changes, these things can still cause stress. A job change, more travel, a new baby, changing roles because of her job – all of these things could have unknowingly caused the stress which contributed to the wife becoming lonely and vulnerable when she may not otherwise have done so.

I am not making excuses here. I’m just trying to point out that even though the wife was so happy that she thought there were no stressors present, she may have been legitimately happy with the stress of a rapidly changing life. This isn’t justification for cheating, of course. But it may help she and her husband understand why she may have been vulnerable.

Outside of that, I’d suggest that this wife tell her husband everything detailed above. She could even show him this article if it might help. Sometimes, even when you think that what you are saying won’t make sense and won’t hit the mark, it never hurts to attempt to just speak sincerely from your heart. As a spouse who has been cheated on, I can tell you that even when you are beyond furious at your cheating spouse, you can still hear it when there is the sound of truth in what they are saying. You may not find that what you want to say makes sense. And perhaps it doesn’t. But if you are sincere and you try, then this may at least mean something to your spouse.

Finally, know that just helping your spouse understand why this may have happened isn’t enough. He may come to understand that you had stressors. But that really doesn’t make it right. He needs to have the assurance that you have learned to deal with new stressors in a different way so that he doesn’t have to worry that you will cheat every time your job changes. Sometimes, you can do this through hard work and an enormous amount of communication and self observation. This isn’t an easy process. Some couples do better with professional help. And others are able to make it without it, especially if they had a sound marriage to start with.

I’d like to make one final point.  I know that this feels awful.  It’s hard to know that you have hurt the one you love when they did nothing wrong.  It makes you feel helpless.  But the one way that you can take control is to commit to becoming the best spouse that you can with the best marriage possible.  If you are able to do this, then happiness and security can return.  And that is going to help your spouse heal better than any words that you could possibly say.  If it helps, you can read more about my own situation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I very often hear from wives who are trying very hard to inspire their husband to end his affair. After all, it’s fairly obvious that it’s going to be extremely difficult to save your marriage when it’s no longer just the two of you. There are many reasons that a man will give for being reluctant to end the affair. Some men tell their wives that they just don’t know how to do this in the right way with as much compassion as is feasible. Because the wife wants to end this as quickly as possible, she might consider “helping” her husband to end it.

For example, a wife might say: “my husband has been having an affair with an underprivileged client of his. Before I knew that he was cheating on her, he used to tell me all sorts of sob stories about how this woman had nothing and had such a difficult life with no support. He has clearly pitied her from the beginning. And now, when I am telling him that he must end it with her or face ending our marriage, he says that he doesn’t want to end our marriage. But he says that he just doesn’t have any idea how to break things off. He says that the other woman depends upon him for emotional and financial support and that she has no one else. He says that this is going to devastate her. He says that he has no idea how he is going to face her or look her in the eye and tell her that she is on her own. To be honest, I don’t care. That might sound mean, but I am sure she can find someone else to help her. I know that her life is difficult, but she has made my life difficult. My husband and I can’t be responsible for every one who is down on their luck. Frankly, I have considered sending her an email and signing my husband’s name to just get it over with. But I’m afraid that he would be angry with me for this. At the same time, the affair has to end and soon. I don’t have any patience with this and I’d leave my husband if he ultimately didn’t make a move. Should I help him end his affair? And if so, how?”

Believe me when I say that I completely understand wanting the affair to end immediately. And that means now. To many of us, that means today and not one day more. But at the same time, I am a firm believer in the necessity that it is the cheating spouse who is the one who ends the affair. I believe this for many reasons.

First, it’s important that the other woman truly believes that it is over. If you go and tell her this, she is going to wonder why the husband didn’t deliver this message and she is going to smell weakness. Really, you just want for her to accept this and to go away and she isn’t likely to do this if your husband can’t look her in the eye and tell her that it’s truly over.

Second, it’s important for your husband to own up to what he did and be big enough to clean this up. Plus, it’s more psychologically real if he has to be the one to do it. It’s important that he doesn’t think that he can stall or pretend that he ended it when in fact he didn’t. Unfortunately, cheating spouses often have to make a final and difficult choice. If they truly want to save their marriage, then they can’t expect to still continue on with the affair. And frankly, it looks really bad when a husband tries to stall. It can understandably make his wife think that he isn’t sure about her or the marriage or perhaps he still wants to hang onto the other person.

I’d suggest a conversation something like: “I know that you are worried about what might happen when you end the affair, but not ending it really is not an option if you are being sincere about wanting to save our marriage. We can’t even start the process if the affair is still happening. And frankly, your reluctance to end this at once makes me question your sincerity. I know that you feel responsible for her and that you feel that she has a tough life. But honestly, you are a married man who has been unfaithful with her. This means that you can not be responsible for her anymore. Quite honestly, when she had an affair with a married man, she had to suspect that it wouldn’t end well. Maybe you can direct her to social services or find someone in another office to take her case. But I am very clear on the fact that I don’t want you to continue to have contact with her. This is not negotiable. If you can’t face her, then send her an email or text. But let her know that this decision is final and that there will be no more contact. If you feel the need to arrange for someone else to handle her case before this, then I can live with that. But this needs to happen soon – within the next few days. And you should not be in contact with her in the meantime. Your priority should be our marriage. Not anyone or anything else. ”

Hopefully, this will allow him to see that he must take some action. The rest has to be up to him. He truly does need to be the one to end it. You can suggest things (like email and arranging for someone else to help her) that might make this easier on him. But ultimately, if this is difficult, it’s his own doing. And he should eventually accept that.  Saving your marriage after an affair is difficult enough without having to worry about the other woman.  The sooner she is out of the picture, the better.  If it helps, you can read more about my own situation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There is no question that finding out that your spouse has been cheating on your can force your mind to operate in overdrive. Suddenly, all those things that you weren’t really concerned too much about – your future, your marriage going forward, and your self esteem – are taking up prime real estate in your brain.

This is totally natural and hard to control. Often, women who are going through this are told not to fixate on or become consumed with worry over it. I might hear from someone who says: “three weeks ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair. I debated for a long time whether or not I should confront him over it. One night, I began to bring it up and my husband became defensive about it and so I backed off because I didn’t want a huge fight on my hands. I was discussing this with one of my friends and she said that the best thing that I can do is to try not to worry about it. She said if she were me, she would keep herself busy at work and just wait for the affair to end on its own. I am really not sure how this is even possible. How can you know something like this and not worry about it? Is she right? Should I just try to ignore it and not worry?”

I think that there are a couple of ways that you can look at this. If we’re talking about being in denial, then I am afraid that I do not agree. Many people feel that it’s better to just watch and wait rather than to have a big confrontation about the affair. The theory is that the affair will eventually fizzle out on its own and so by waiting, you are sparing yourself a lot of drama and still getting the same outcome.

But, what people sometimes don’t consider is that the affair sometimes will not fizzle out naturally. And also, at least in my opinion people who suggest this strategy have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to live with the knowledge that your spouse is cheating on you and then not acting on it. That is an excruciatingly difficult thing to have to pull off. And I know that I could not have done it. Once you know that your spouse is cheating, it’s very hard to make yourself believe that you don’t.

I understand wanting to avoid a huge conflict or fight. And I do think that you can discuss this in such a way that it’s possible to attempt to remain calm. But turning a blind eye is almost the same as being in denial. And, in my view, you can’t fix something that you do not acknowledge. Of course, I’m not a therapist or a professional. Nor do I know your husband or how he might react. I’m simply suggesting that trying to pretend that the affair doesn’t exist is not going to be completely possible for most people.  Or, at the very least, can be as difficult as going ahead and addressing it.

With this said, you can place your priority someplace else instead of being solely focused on the worry. To be honest, even when you do confront your spouse about cheating and even when your spouse ends the affair, you still have a lot of uncertainty ahead. This is a challenge for most people. Many people, myself included, struggle with the idea of not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring in terms of your marriage. It helps to remind yourself that none of us knows what tomorrow brings in ANY area of our lives. All that we can do is the best that we can. And that includes building ourselves up so that we are as strong as we can be when the course of things becomes more obvious.

So my answer to the question of “how do I not worry about my husband’s affair” is that you try as best as you can. You tell yourself that you are much better off worrying about what you can control – which is yourself and your own reactions and healing – than what you can not control. You can not fully control what your husband does or feels. You can share your feelings or offer information on where you stand. But you can not completely control other people.  So the friend is right about that.  It doesn’t make sense to worry about what you can not control.  You can control your own healing though.

So I think that the better course of action is to realize that you can clarify what you will or will not accept and then, while you are waiting to see what he is going to do, you can evaluate what you want and what you need. You can focus on your own healing. In other words, you can worry more about yourself than you are worrying about him. I think it’s a little unrealistic to think that you aren’t going to worry about your husband’s affair at all. That would be denying its existence. But I believe that it’s smart to focus your attention on yourself and on own needs and wants right now.

Of course my husband’s affair took up a huge chunk of my thoughts.  And of course I worried about it.  But, I did come to eventually realize that worry didn’t make things better.  So, I started to control what I could and then I left the rest for a bit to regroup.  This did help.  And I tried to turn my attention back to myself if I started to notice myself becoming more depressed or negative. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: When you are a spouse who has cheated, you can understand how your spouse might doubt the sincerity of what you say or claim. And, you can also understand how your spouse might suspect that you are still cheating even though they might want to believe that you aren’t. (This is especially true if they didn’t suspect that anything was amiss when you were actually cheating the first time. I can tell you from experience that this is very painful and shocking and so it is just human nature to want to protect yourself from this happening to you again. Therefore, even when you don’t want to, you still suspect your spouse of cheating again despite his or claims that he isn’t.)

In this situation, I might hear from a wife who says: “I cheated on my husband, only once and only a for a few weeks. I told him right away and I told him that I would do counseling or anything that he would need me to do for him to give me one more chance. I even offered to quit my job, since I met the other man at work. My husband said that we can’t afford for me to quit my job. And he stated that he doesn’t trust me. He always assumes that I am cheating again or that I have never stopped cheating in the first place. I have a job that doesn’t allow me to be home at the same time every day. If a client calls and wants to talk or to see me, then I have to be there for my client. But if I am late because of this, my husband assumes that I am with the other man or that I am up to no good. Also, fitness is important to me. I try to hit the gym at least three times per week. But now every time I go to the gym, my husband acts like I am doing something wrong. I am not cheating on my husband now and I never will again. But no matter how many times I say this, he doesn’t believe me. I am willing to give up my job, but I won’t give up my fitness. How do I assure him that I’m not cheating anymore and that I don’t ever intend to when he’s not listening to word I say?”

Before I attempt to answer that question, I’d like to try to help you to look at this from your husband’s point of view. And I am not doing this to make you feel bad or guilty. I am doing this because I want to give you the perspective that you are going to need in order to overcome this. Words can not express how painful it is when your spouse cheats. You want to protect yourself from this. So you are always on the lookout for wrong doing. You may want to believe your spouse’s claims more than anything. But very few things are able to quiet that little voice in your mind that tells you that the minute that you drop your guard and trust your spouse again, they are going to hurt you again or cheat again.

What You Really Need To Do: Your job then is to help your spouse to quiet this little voice. How do you do this? You try to spend as much time with your spouse as you possibly can. If you are not able to physically be with them, then you’ll want to check in with them in other ways. For example, if you have to work late, then you want to immediately text or call your spouse to let him know. Then, you want to continue to check in. So, an hour into your meeting, you might want to text again to tell your husband that you are wrapping up and will be home in half an hour. This may seem excessive, but it’s smart. Because your husband might realize that if you were really cheating, you wouldn’t be repeatedly texting him in order to check in right in front of the other man.

Include Him In Your Life Every Chance Your Get: I recommend including your husband in your daily activities as much as you possibly can. I understand that fitness is important to you, but how about inviting him to come along to the gym? Or how about going for a run with him on the days that you take off from the gym? The truth is, the more time you spend with your husband, the more he will realize that you can’t possibly be in two places at once. How can you be cheating with someone else while you are physically with him? This is why you want to spend as much time together as you possibly can. And, when you can’t swing this, then you want to check in.

As Your Marriage Strengthens, Suspicions Weaken: Another way to reassure your spouse is to work very hard on your marriage. Go to counseling. Talk to your husband every night and ask them if there is anything that you’re not doing that he would like for you to do. Why is all of this necessary? Because your husband will start to realize that if you intended to cheat, then you wouldn’t be very likely to pour so much time and heart into your marriage if it wasn’t important to you. It doesn’t make sense for you to spend so much time and effort toward your marriage if you do not intend to be faithful to it.

In other words, the stronger your marriage and the more effort that you put into it, then the more secure your spouse will feel and the less likely they will be to assume that you are cheating. At least this was the case for me.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you are a wife whose husband has recently cheated or had an affair, then you know, without my having to explain it, that it’s vital for you to understand why he did this. As impossible as it may seem, you’d like to know his thought process. You’d like to know what, exactly, he was feeling when he decided to throw your marriage vows to the wind and cheat on you. I understand why you need to know this. I agree that this knowledge isn’t optional. But I also know that very few men are going to willingly share this information in its entirety. And some of that is because this information is not readily available to them. Some aren’t sure why they cheated. But, even so, its reasonable to expect them to attempt to figure this out. And when they don’t, it can be a real problem.

I might hear a comment like: “I will admit that it is completely out of character for my husband to cheat. He is the last man who I would have predicted would have cheated. He has always been very reliable and dedicated. And true to form, he came to me and admitted to the affair. I appreciate that he did this. It means something to me. But, I just don’t understand. We have a good marriage. And I don’t even see any real struggles in his life. He hasn’t recently gone through a mid life crisis or anything like that. Once he told me about the affair, all he would really say was that it was short, that it was over, and that he desperately loves me. Since that time, I have been able to extract a little bit of information about the other woman and about how they met, but I haven’t been able to obtain any information about why he did this. I have asked him repeatedly.  At first, he said that he didn’t know. So I told him that it was up to him to figure it out because I wasn’t even going to entertain saving our marriage unless he had a clear understanding of why he cheated and then he fixed it. I basically get no real response to this except for him to repeat that he doesn’t know why he cheated and then for him to say that he loves me and to beg me not to leave him. What am I supposed to do with this?”

First of all, I want you to know that I absolutely valid your need to understand this. You deserve these answers for many reasons. But, understanding what has motivated or driven him is absolutely vital because it helps to guide you with your healing and, once it has been worked through, you have the peace of mind that you have dealt with the main issue and can move on. When he can’t or won’t give you the information that allows you to do this, then you will always be paranoid, fearful, and suspicious. And that is really no way to move forward in your marriage.

With that said, your husband may be being quite truthful when he insists that he doesn’t know why he cheated and that he loves you. Both of these things may be one hundred percent heartfelt and true. But, without the answers, you still come up short as far as your healing goes.

Here is what I would suggest. It’s clear that this husband is desperate to set it up so that his wife doesn’t leave him. This means that he is going to be more likely to agree to whatever she needs moving forward. My first choice here would be to suggest counseling. I knew that you both might be cringing at this suggestion, but please hear me out. Your husband may truly want to know why he did this, but he doesn’t. He’s not a mental health counselor. And frankly, men are not always very in tune with their feelings. You may well want to help him, but you can’t exactly be objective here either.

A counselor is both objective and skilled. She has likely dealt with this many times before and can help to gently pull this out of him so that you can both benefit from this information. There is also a possibility that he suspects some of the reasons for his actions but he is embarrassed or bothered by those reasons. Or, he doesn’t want to burden or hurt you with them. Again, a counselor can help you to navigate this situation where you might otherwise get stuck.

I admit that counseling isn’t always for everyone. I didn’t always enjoy it. I also know that some people just will not go. In that case, there are some good self help materials that will give you check lists or open ended questions that will help you to uncover some of his motivations.

However you get to the bottom of this though, it’s important that you dig until you get the answers that you want. Don’t give up. And don’t just drop it. You deserve this answers. And when you have a husband as motivated as this one, I suspect that he will do whatever it takes to give you what you need. But sometimes, you will have to nudge him and you will have to line up the resources.

He can truly love you and want to heal.  But you need all of the pieces of the puzzle.  Otherwise, you will be frustrated and will feel that he is holding out.  This can cause questions about his motivations.  I know this firsthand, unfortunately.  But healing is possible.  Feel free to read more about how I learned this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who feel sure that the other woman has “poisoned” her husband’s mind and turned his thoughts and feelings against her. In fact, some wives feel that this strategy of the other woman’s has been so successful that the husband now hates his wife – all because of her.

A typical comment in this situation would be something like: “my husband met the other woman at work. She has the same career position as him. I could tell that he respected how smart she was and that he respected her opinion. I never thought that he would cross the line though. When I first met her, she would make snide little comments about my choosing to stay home with my kids instead of having a career. She’d say things like: ‘wow. It must be really nice to be able to just watch TV with your kids all day while the rest of us toil away at our jobs.’ I figured that she was resentful that she didn’t have a spouse who would allow her to take on this role. So I ignored it. One day, I was meeting my husband at his office and I overheard her saying: ‘I’m not sure how you stand it. I don’t think that I could support another human being while they sat on their bottom all day at home. And I’m not sure that I could respect myself if I did that. I would get so annoyed knowing that I’m dealing with angry clients all day while she’s at home watching talk shows. And frankly, she should forego the talk shows and hit the gym. I’m not sure how you can be romantic with someone that big. I saw your wedding picture. She’s put on a lot of weight since then.’ My husband didn’t really respond at that time. But now that the affair is out in the open, he has become very critical of me. He says the same thing this woman says – that I stay home, do nothing, and put on weight so that I’m unattractive. It’s like he hates me now. Honestly, I think that the other woman has completely changed the way that my own husband thinks of me. But when I told my sister about this, she says that someone else can’t change your spouse’s feelings for you. She said he must have had hatred there all along. Is this true?”

I can’t answer this from the perspective of a cheating man. And my opinion is definitely biased because I have dealt with this also. But I do think that the other woman can most certainly influence your husband’s thinking. When my own husband had an affair, it came out later that he felt pressured to be the breadwinner in our home and to take a very high pressure job that he had never aspired to in the first place. This might have contributed to why he felt some sense of freedom with the other woman (who had a menial job and somewhat low expectations.) But, my husband remembered things very differently from the way that I did. In actuality, I begged him not to take the high pressure job. I said that I would rather have lived on less but had more family time. He didn’t remember it that way, of course. The other woman represented a lack of responsibility.

In truth, this couple could have decided TOGETHER that the wife would stay at home for the sake of her children. Anyone who has stayed home with children knows that it is a sacrifice. It is not something that you do to get out of working or because you want to be lazy. The husband likely knew this, but he was not thinking clearly because he was trying to find ways to justify his behavior whether he realized it or not. And one way to do this was to see his wife as someone who didn’t deserve his loyalty and fidelity, even though this was clearly not true.

So how do you handle this? First of all, sometimes you just have to accept that it may take a while before he comes back to reality. As his fascination with the other woman decreases, his sense of reality should increase. In the meantime, I wouldn’t engage with him or allow this to make you fight and only make things worse. I would try to calmly respond with something like: “I really hope that you don’t mean what you are saying because not only is it incredibly insensitive and cruel, but it is just not true. You know that we both decided that I would stay home. I miss working sometimes. I’m not just sitting on my rear. I’m parenting our children. I’m putting their needs above my own. Can you say the same? I am hoping that once you are thinking normally again, you will realize just how wrong you are and will apologize. Until then, I don’t want to hear any more about this. We certainly have bigger problems than our careers. You’ve been unfaithful to me. And you’re allowing someone who you have only known for a few months to cloud your thinking about me, who you have known and been committed to for years. It doesn’t make a lot of sense and it shows just where your priorities are. Whatever problems we have, you can make your own judgements without needing to borrow hers. If you have legitimate concerns about our marriage, I will listen to them. But what you are giving me right now are not legitimate concerns.  You are questioning my character, which is ridiculous. You know me better than this.”

I can’t promise that he will immediately apologize. But it might me him think. And frankly, this is just my opinion, but I doubt very much that he hates you. It’s likely that he really hates his own behavior and so he is trying desperately to justify it. And one easy and quick way to do that is to make you out to be horribly flawed so that he might not be so horrible for betraying you. After all, if he saw you as the woman who was selflessly sacrificing for the sake of his children, he might have a much harder time looking in the mirror and continuing on with his behavior.

I know that this isn’t easy.  But don’t let her opinions of your cloud your opinions about yourself.  You know who you are.  Hold your head high and realize that, five years from now, she will not matter to you and to your outcome.  If you’d like to read more about how I handled this, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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