Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are furious because now that it is time for their husband to own up to his cheating, not only is he not being accountable, but he is placing most of the blame on his wife rather than himself. It seems that she is to blame for pretty much every problem.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I recently found out that my husband has been having a six month affair. He has told me so many lies and has been living this elaborate double life. He has taken time and money away from his children and has lied to his mother. His depth of betrayal and how far he has stooped is completely depressing. When his mother asked him why he would do such a thing, he had the nerve to list all sorts or problems with me. He told his mother that I always belittle him and make him feel as if he isn’t important. I realize that my husband can be a jerk, but this isn’t just limited to my husband. I have a handful of friends who have also gone through infidelity in their own marriages. And almost without fail, their husbands will mostly put the blame on their wives. This makes me sick. Regardless of the marriage or the circumstances, these men always have excuses as to why it is their wife’s fault. She doesn’t pay attention to him. She doesn’t appreciate him. She doesn’t listen. She makes him feel insignificant. She isn’t receptive sexually. She has gained too much weight. She’s gotten too old. She’s not adventurous anymore. And the list goes on and on. Why do these men blame their wives for everything?”

I agree that it’s very common (and extremely irritating) that men blame their wives when they make their own choice to cheat. There are many reasons why they might do this (which I’ll list a little later.) But first I want to say that not all men do this. I do hear from a good bit of men who want to take full responsibility and are asking for suggestions on how to do this. So it’s unfair to lump all men together when it comes to this sort of blame. However, some men tend to place the blame on every one but themselves. Here’s why.

The Alternative Is So Hard To Take: It is my theory that many men have affairs in an attempt to deal with those things that are really bothering about themselves or their lives. They are aging. They feel unsuccessful and out of the game. They have worries that make them feel petty. They have fears that make them feel frightened or weak. As a result, they are at a point where they don’t like themselves very much.

The affair is often an attempt to make themselves feel better about everything in their life. But when it’s time for answers, it’s very difficult for them to then switch gears and not only face but name all of those weaknesses that they were trying to get away from in the first place. Suddenly, if they were being honest, he would have to say “well, I’m an aging man who was vulnerable and afraid of being old and insignificant. When I had the chance to cheat, I took it even though I knew that it was wrong. I did it because I am weak and I have poor impulse control and it is no one’s fault but mine.”

Saying these things would mean standing up and looking all those fears and insecurities right in the face when he’s been running from them all along. Not all men are able to do this.

He Wants To Give You A Preview Of Things To Come: Many men will come out with a very indignant attitude because they are trying to strike first. What I mean by this is that he knows that you are going to be furious and that you are going to come at him hard. So he wants to beat you to the punch by pointing out where you might have gone wrong. This strategy is designed to disarm you and to keep your from being as angry as you may otherwise have been. If he can put doubts in your mind about your role in this, then he might get you to back up, or even better, to try to gain back his interest. Very few men are actually successful with this strategy because few wives completely fall for this. In fact, this strategy can sometimes just make it worse for him.

How To Handle This: Every one is different in what stance feels most comfortable to them. But while I could personally admit that my marriage didn’t always get my full attention, I was not willing to accept any of the real blame. Regardless of the problems that our marriage might have had, he made the decision to cheat on me. That was his decision alone to make. And through my words and actions, I made that abundantly clear.

I can’t tell you how to handle this, but I can tell you that if you accept his excuses or justifications, then you are likely to get more of them. I could tell you that the chocolate cake in my kitchen was just too delicious to resist and that my husband was careless by leaving it out because he knows I’m dieting and struggling even though I love cake. I could tell you that my devouring that cake is really his fault because he didn’t fill the pantry with diet entrees as he’d promised. But this would be ridiculous.  It is nonsense.  I’m an adult. I make my own decisions.

And so does he. Over time, many men will come to understand this. But he may come to understand it sooner if you tell him calmly that at the end of the day, cheating is a choice. And it is one that he alone made.  If he expects to save his marriage and to regain your trust, he is going to have to realize this.  Many men do come to understand this eventually.  But you can often nudge him along by calmly telling him that you’re not willing to take the blame.  If you’d like to read more about how I handled this, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are confused about their husband’s actions and behaviors after an affair. Many believe that as soon as they can finally get their husband to end the affair, then the only thing left is for their husband to show genuine remorse, to pursue his wife and his marriage, and for both of them to begin to pick up the pieces. But when this doesn’t happen, the wife can begin to wonder why (and if perhaps there are more factors at play than him just putting an end to the affair.)

I might hear from a wife who expresses this concern: “as soon as I found out about my husband’s affair, I demanded that he end it. He didn’t agree to do this right away. He said he needed time to think about what was the right decision for him. Eventually though, he came home and told me that he had ended things for good. I went on the other woman’s facebook wall and I saw that she changed her status from in a relationship to single. So I am confident that he really did break it off. But the problem now is that he isn’t really pursuing me. And he needs to do this if I am going to want to save my marriage. He comes home from work and keeps to himself. He watches TV and stays in our bedroom. We rarely talk. The other day, I saw him looking at the classified section of the newspaper. It made me wonder if he was looking at apartments and was considering moving out. This is not what I expected. I was thinking that he was going to show tons of remorse and pursue me. I am shocked that this isn’t the reality of it. Why would a man not pursue him wife when he’s not longer free to purse the affair?” I will offer some possibilities in the following article.

He May Still Not Be Sure About What He Wants: I’m not going to debate whether or not the affair has ended. The wife believed that it had, which is good enough for me. But it’s quite possible that the husband still wasn’t sure what course of action he was going to take. Many people end the affair because they know that it is the right thing to do. But that doesn’t mean that they are decided on what they are going to do about their marriage or about their living situation. Many feel that they need some time to let the dust settle and then make decisions once they have a clear head.

He May Not Feel That He Deserves To Pursue You Just Yet: Many husbands will hang back for a while even when they do want to save their marriage. They can do this because they don’t know if they feel worthy.  And they don’t want to appear as if they are attempting to pick up where they left off. They know that this wouldn’t be fair to you and that it might just be too much to expect. He may want to give you a little time to process this and to heal before he even puts your marriage back on the table.

He May Be Waiting For You To Give Him Some Guidance: Believe it or not, many men in this situation hesitate because they are afraid of your rejection and your reaction. They know that you are furious with them. They know that they have to tread lightly. So they may worry that as soon as they reach out to you, then you might reprimand or outright reject them. So they hesitate because they are afraid of the outcome. They may be waiting for you to give them some clues as to how you’re feeling and if you are going to be receptive once you reach out.

So how do you handle this? Well, as I see it, you have a couple of choices. You can wait patiently to see how he is going to act or what he’s going to do. Or, you can decide that you don’t want to wait and you can try to put this issue out there. You might try something like: “I can’t help but notice that even though the affair is over, you haven’t yet approached the topic of our marriage. Nor have you reached out to me in any way. In fact, I suspect that you might have been looking at apartments the other day. I’m not trying to be accusatory or to argue. I’m just trying to see what you’re thinking. I am trying to determine where we are going from here. Do you have any idea as to what you are thinking going forward? Obviously, we have a lot of work to do and a long road ahead of us. But it’s going to be easier if we are on the same page and I am trying to determine where we both are.”

Hopefully, he will share at least some of what he is thinking. If not, know that it can be normal for men to not immediately pursue their wife. They may feel unsure, undeserving, or afraid of rejection. Or, like you, they might need some time to heal and to evaluate how they want to move forward. But you won’t know unless you ask.

It took a while for my husband (and myself) to begin to really open up to one another after his affair.  Frankly, he was a little afraid of me.  And he wasn’t off base with that. I was furious. I would have rejected and raged at him, probably.  So it was likely for the best that he hung back.  As time passed though, we both gave a little more.  But it took time.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are well aware that the affair they are having is absolutely wrong. Many never would have believed that they would ever cheat on their spouse. And now, they are horribly ashamed of their actions. Plus, they know that the right thing to do would be to walk away from the affair immediately. Sometimes, they even try to do this and are unsuccessful. Other times, they aren’t yet willing to try because they have come to believe that the other person is now an important aspect of their life.

I might hear a comment like: “It hurts me to even write these words. But I have been having an affair for four months. The other man and I were friends for about eight months. I suppose during that friendship, I was really having an emotional affair. But during that eight months of friendship, we never crossed the line. There was never anything inappropriate. But we did develop a deep friendship. I did come to depend on the other man. I told him everything. He is closer to me than any friend I’ve ever had. He gets all of my jokes. He knows what I am thinking from just looking at me. I can not imagine my life without him. Our relationship progressed to a physical affair and once that happened, my feelings became even more intense. On a different note, my brother came to visit me recently. And my brother’s marriage ended because of an affair. I confided to my brother about this relationship and my brother became very upset. He told me that having an affair ruined his life. He said that he thought that he was in love with the other woman. But he said that because of his love for her, he has lost everything. He rarely sees his children. His wife, who is a great woman, can’t stand the sight of him. My brother begged me to walk away from the affair while I still can. I admit that this makes sense. I know that what I am doing is wrong and that my husband truly is a good man. But how do you walk away when the other person has come to mean so much to you? Even the thought of not seeing him or talking to him anymore makes me very uncomfortable.”

This type of concern is not uncommon. I hear comments like this quite a bit. People know the affair is wrong. People truly do want to end it. But they believe that they have developed real feelings. Here is the thing. Breaking it off and walking away is not likely to be pleasant for you. In all likelihood, there is going to be some difficulty involved. I am not going to tell that it will be easy or that you should just get over it.

But you know, without my even needing to tell you, that ending it is the right thing to do. I realize that some relationships that start as affairs turn out to be long term relationships. I am not going to deny this. But I do believe that before you ever start a new relationship, you should resolve things with your spouse. That means that unless you are divorced, regardless of what feelings are present, you owe it to your spouse, to your family, and to yourself to remain faithful until the marriage is over. You likely already know this and don’t need for me to tell you this or you wouldn’t be reading this article.

So let’s get down to it. Honestly, this is like breaking a habit. You take it one day at a time. You make it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for you to cheat. And you hold yourself accountable. You be clear with the other person so that they understand what to expect. And optimally, you stop cold turkey. Because quite frankly, the longer you allow for this to go on, the harder it is going to be on every one involved. So this means that you make a clean break. You don’t call. You don’t send notes or texts. And you especially do not meet in person.

So what do you do with all of this time that you would normally pour into the affair? You spend it on yourself. Or your family. Or in counseling. I do realize that many people scoff at counseling. I did also. But sometimes, having that support and having someone to hold you accountable really helps.

Regarding whether or not you should tell your spouse, I can’t answer that for you. In some cases, the guilt becomes too much. And in other cases, people chose to keep this to themselves because they know how painful and devastating it would be to their spouse. Regardless of which way you choose to go, your goal should be to become an attentive, faithful and loving spouse with the whole idea being that you can use the affair to improve your marriage instead of to destroy it.

I’d like to offer you some encouragement, if I can. I can not pretend that I have been in your shoes, because I haven’t. In my case, it was my husband that cheated. But I can appreciate that you are trying to do the right thing. And, I can tell you that a good deal of people contact me and tell me that they truly thought that they were in love with or were soul mates to the other person when the affair was happening. But once it is over, and in hindsight, they realize that they built it up into something that it really wasn’t – not really.

In a sense, you have to make out the relationship to be something magical and something that you can’t turn away from. This is necessary in order to justify it’s existence. But once you have decided that it shouldn’t exist anymore, then you really don’t have to do this anymore. And with time, it is easier to see it for what it really was – a relationship not rooted in reality.

But to answer the original question, in order to walk away, you take that first step. And then you take another. And another. And with each day after the relationship has ended, you continue to walk. And you walk away one step at a time.

Again, I am biased.  I freely admit that.  But I believe that my husband is very much at peace today with ending the affair and with walking away.  I believe that he would tell you that he sees things much more clearly since the affair has ended.  And until you truly end it, then you probably can’t have that clarity. If it helps, you can read more about this process for me on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who truly do believe that saving their marriage after their spouse’s affair would be ideal. This is what they’d truly like to happen – at least in a perfect world. But when that same world has been shattered by the deepest betrayal imaginable, then it’s hard to believe in perfection anymore. So, some people give up on the idea of perfection and instead would settle for simple happiness. But many people doubt that this is possible. While they may believe that they can save their marriage through determination, they doubt if they will ever be truly secure and happy in their marriage ever again.

You might get an example like: “my husband and I are both absolutely determined to save our marriage, even though he cheated on me and had an affair. And the reason for this is our small twin daughters. I do not want them to grow up without a full time dad, whom they adore. I believe my husband actually thought he had real feelings for the other woman, but he is willing to set those aside to save our family. It has come out in our discussions that he doesn’t see me in the same way that he used to, so I actually think if it weren’t for our children, he would rather be with her. That’s not going to happen though. I feel like he’s a little regretful and I know that I’m a lot resentful. So while we are sticking it out, we are not really happy and I wonder if we ever will be again. It seems as if true happiness after an affair is not something that is ever really talked about. Every one talks about maintaining your marriage but no one really tells you that it’s going to be a happy marriage in the end. I am at the point in my life where I realize that I am not going to live forever. I want to have happy days most of the time. I don’t want to sleep walk through life miserable and resigned. I guess my question concerns whether it’s really uncommon for marriages to be happy after an affair. What percentage of marriages return to a happy place and what percentage simply goes through the motions?”

I tried to research this topic to give a scientifically sound number. And I think that the answer depends upon who you ask. I have seen claims indicating that anywhere from ten percent to twenty five percent of married people who saved their marriage after an affair considered themselves to be happily married later.  (I think that the number would probably go up to be higher than this for the couples who have had the affair behind them for many years.  But that is only my opinion.)

Regardless of whether you believe that the number is on the low or high end, this is a pretty depressing number. I have to admit that most of the correspondence that I get is from people who are struggling. It’s less common for me to hear from people who have completed their healing and are now happy and have moved on. But I do hear from those folks too sometimes and it always makes my day when I do.

I have a theory about some of the things that I believe separate the couples who are able to restore their happiness and those who are not. The happiest couples are typically those who are willing to work the hardest. Let’s face it. This is not pleasant stuff. It’s so much easier to want to gloss over the issues so that things get back to “normal” as quickly as possible. This can be especially true when you have children because you don’t want to subject them to the tension and you don’t want for them to know that anything is wrong.

But, if you don’t really uncover how and why things went wrong, you can’t really properly fix this. And, if you don’t do everything that you can to completely restore the trust and to demonstrate true remorse, then the anger and the suspicion is going to continue to be there. You can’t really be happy again when you’re deep down angry, resentful, or suspicious.

It takes a great deal of work, time, and determination to work through these things. It’s not comfortable or easy. Some couples just are not willing to do this. Some would rather pretend that things are good when they truly aren’t. Some would rather hide their feelings or concerns because who wants to throw more conflict into the mix?

Honestly, in order to have a truly happy marriage again, you have to let go of the resentments and you have to be willing to open your heart. But in order to do that, you have to feel safe. And you can’t feel safe if there are still some issues. Until you can release the doubt and anger, there is always going to be a shadow over your heart.

Most of us truly want to let go. But we are rational people. We have little voices in our heads telling us that we always need to be on our guard because if we are not, he’s going to do it again. Or, we feel that if we let go of our anger, he will feel free to take advantage. All of these things are understandable. But in order to reclaim your happiness, you have to put in the time in effort to ask for what you need to feel safe laying the anger down. There is no magic formula. It takes time, tons of communication, and a colossal amount of effort. Some are able to do it through counseling and many do it on their own.

Also, I strongly believe that both people need to be open to the idea that they deserve and want to reclaim their happiness. Sometimes, the cheating spouse feels that they will never truly deserve happiness again. But ensuring your own misery helps no one. It doesn’t benefit your spouse or your children when you are miserable. Give yourself permission to be happy again and then work very hard to reclaim it.

To answer the original concern though, it appears that the statistics on couples being happy again after an affair aren’t all that encouraging. But I know for a fact that these couples exist. I know many of them. I am one of them. Please don’t think that it’s impossible. It isn’t. You just have to believe. You have to work hard. And you have to keep moving forward until you get there. Once you quit, then you are pretty much assured of failure. But if you keep going, even with setbacks, you’re still in the game.

I think that the biggest think that you can do to ensure a happy marriage after an affair is to always be honest about the need to reevaluate.  Always check in with yourself and with your partner and then make changes when needed.  Many people assume that you fix your marriage and you hope to never revisit the issue again.  While my husband and I don’t talk about the affair very often, we do constantly revisit the issues of our own contentment and security.  If something is bothering one of us, we speak up.  We are both clear that the goal is nothing less than making our marriage as strong as it can possibly be.  And this is a moving target.  But we accept that. And we have had good results with this outlook. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who almost feel as if they are in a competition with the woman with whom their husband has been cheating. Sometimes, the husband has promised to end things, but it later becomes obvious that he can’t, won’t, or hasn’t. Other times, he is honest about the fact that he doesn’t want to let her go. The wife can feel as if the other woman has “one upped” her so to speak and this can make a very difficult situation that much worse.

Common comments are things like: “I know it’s stupid and I know that it isn’t healthy, but I can’t help but compare myself to the other woman. I can’t help but keep tabs on her. When I first found out that my husband was cheating with her, I emailed her and I said things that were not all nice. But I felt that she deserved them. Well, she responded by telling me that she could have my husband if she wanted him. She told me that he wasn’t in love with me and that he was only staying with me out of sense of obligation. But then she told me to ‘watch and see’ how he couldn’t stay away from her. This made me furious. I called her all sorts of unpleasant things and said that she was liar. Well, imagine how disappointed and hurt that I am to find texts of my husband’s phone indicating that he’s still in touch with her. He is still pursuing her. I am heartbroken. Of course, I am disappointed about my marriage. But I feel like she has won. I feel like she has beaten me. If she wants him, she gets to just take my husband away. I know that this is very immature and it is not good for me to think this way. But I can’t seem to stop. How do I stop this cycle and stop thinking that she won?”

This is a very common concern. Some people just can not understand why the wife would fixate on the other woman when she has so many other things to worry about. But if you have been there, you know why. You see her that is the thing which is in the way of your happiness. You see her as a reminder of your insecurities and flaws. She is almost like an open wound that you can not stop picking at.

She Hasn’t Won.  You Win When You Turn Away From Her: Can you tell that I understand this? I do. Because I have been there. But because I have been there, I know something else. Following her and keeping tabs on her and thinking about her are a road to nowhere. It will only delay your healing. It will only make you feel worse about yourself and about your situation. When healing and recovering is already so difficult, why give her this kind of power over you, especially when she has done absolutely nothing to deserve it?

Let’s break this down for a second. What has she won, really? Some other woman’s husband simply because she is a novelty? What happens when the newness wears off and he is no longer as interested? She likely won’t feel so celebratory then. And frankly, you have to wonder about a woman who seems to enjoy someone else’s pain. This shows an almost desperate need for attention and control.

I understand that you might feel as if she has won for now, but if you look at it very literally, her prize is certainly nothing to write home about. She has left destruction and lies in her wake. I doubt it’s easy for her to look in the mirror or sleep at night, despite the persona she tries so hard to portray. At the end of the day, she only has a phantom relationship built upon lies and fantasy. I don’t call that winning.  I call that being on a collision course with an unhealthy path that is moving away from integrity and grace.  That’s not winning, at least in my book.

Do you know how you’re going to feel that you won again? It’s not necessarily taking your husband back from her? It’s not feeling as if you’ve forced your husband to stop contacting her. It’s knowing that you are moving on from her and from this entire situation. It’s knowing that you are focusing on yourself and your own healing and not focusing one more moment on her and her unhealthy threats. Frankly, it will probably annoy her much more when you ignore her than when you engage with her.

Most wives know that all of this is true, but they have a hard time leaving it alone. They feel as if they need to keep tabs. I do understand this, but your main concern must be yourself. If the situation has become this unhealthy, sometimes the best that you can do is to back away for a while. This gives the husband time to realize his huge mistake. And once he does, you can then evaluate if you want to give him a chance to make this up to you. But for now, it doesn’t seem as if that is even on the horizon. You can never go wrong focusing on yourself, especially when the alternative is focusing on her. If you back away and refuse to engage, she’s only left with her own drama and dysfunction. And I’d suspect it’s not nearly as thrilling without an audience.

I promise that focusing on yourself instead of her is the much better option right now.  It took me too long to realize that, at least in the beginning of my recovery,  the only person on which I needed to focus was myself.  Once I did this, things improved on many levels. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who feel that their relationship has become a bit lopsided after their husband has cheated or had an affair. Many expected that their husband will try to make amends or to work hard to impress them with his sincerity and hard work. Instead, the wife feels that she has to impress him so that he won’t cheat again. This is painful. And confusing.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband had an affair with a mutual friend of ours. Actually, this woman used to be my friend alone. But after her divorce she started spending a lot of time at our home. And then she became friends with my husband also. I trusted both of them. Looking back, she started spending more and more time at our house when she knew that I had to take my kids somewhere. I should have seen the signs, but didn’t. As much as I hate her and what she has done to my family, I have to admit that this woman has it all. She is beautiful. She is funny. People are naturally drawn to her because she is so smart and quick witted. My husband has broken things off with her, but I feel as if I can’t compete. I don’t think that he’s seeing her anymore because I know that he feels guilty and I know that he wants to keep our family together. But I’ll bet he still thinks about her. And although we have just started counseling and my husband has committed to being faithful to me, I almost feel like I have to impress him. I feel like I’m auditioning for the role of the woman that he’s going to be faithful to. Because I feel like if I don’t, then he knows there are women like my friend available to him. He’s a good looking guy. Women notice him. I worry that because of this affair, I will always feel as if I am not good enough. I will always feel the need to impress or to risk him looking around again. I have tried to pay more attention to how I look. But honestly, this whole process makes me feel sad and anxious. And when I’m sad and anxious, I’m less attractive to him.”

I always feel so deeply for these wives because I have been one of them. The thing is, most of us are relatively fine with our confidence and self esteem before the affair. But after it, we struggle. We immediately begin to explore what was wrong with us and where we fell short. Here is the thing that you need to understand. Please write it down or print it out and post it where you will be reminded of it. You can be the most beautiful, alluring, intelligent, giving, and sexually adventurous wife and still have a man who cheats. Why? Because nine times out of ten, his cheating is because of a void within him – not because of a void within you or within your marriage.

He is trying to fill up his own empty well of confidence and peace. And he is mistaken in thinking that something new is going to be able to do this when he himself could not. Many men will eventually learn this painful lesson all on their own, but unfortunately, many have done damage to their marriages, their wives, and themselves when they finally learn this lesson. You need to understand this because once you do, you are going to be so much kinder to yourself and not beat yourself up for something that was never your fault to begin with.

I’d like to make one more point and I’m going to say it as kindly as I can. If you suspect that your anxiety and your wish to impress him makes you seem less attractive and confident, you might be right. There is nothing wrong with you, but your worrying that there is almost implies fault. Confidence is attractive and sexy. This wife was absolutely correct when she said that he should be the one trying to impress her.

Now, I do know that this is all easier said and done. It is just normal to want to improve your appearance and your body after something like this happens to you. And if this is going to improve your confidence level, then by all means do it. My rule of thumb was that I gave myself enthusiastic permission to change something about myself as long as I was doing it for myself and not for any one else. Improvements or changes that you make for yourself improve your confidence and lessen your anxiety. The opposite is true if you are doing it for him, though.

I believe that it is much more important to impress yourself right now. Because if you like what you see and who you are, then he is much more likely to like it also. And if he doesn’t, it truly is his loss because it means that something is lacking within him. Believe me when I say that I understand.  It took me a long time to realize that the only person I needed to impress was myself.  Once I did this, my husband naturally followed along.  And things improved dramatically after that. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who wonder for how long they are expected to have an angry attitude toward their husband after he has cheated. Frankly, some women have no problems maintaining their anger. In fact, it is hard for some to envision a time when their anger might fade into something that is no longer so red hot. They are sometimes faced with a husband who is demanding to know for how long they intend to stay angry, since he hopes that it is not going to last forever.

From those wives you might hear a comment like: “the only reason my husband still stands a chance with me is because of our kids and because of the fact that I love his mother like my own. I have repeatedly told him throughout our marriage that if he cheats on me, we are done. Well, I just found out that he has cheated on me. And I am so furious that I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I will admit that I am treating him badly these days and that I retaliate against him, but he absolutely deserves it. The other day, he said that he hopes that I don’t intend to be angry forever because he isn’t sure that he can live this way forever. Frankly, I have no plans of backing off any time soon. If he didn’t want to receive my wrath, he shouldn’t have cheated. Don’t I have a right to be angry for as long as I want?”

On the other extreme, I sometimes hear from wives who are having a hard time maintaining their anger even though they know that this same anger is more than justified. From these wives, I might hear something like: “for how long are you supposed to be angry with a cheating husband? My husband went on a fishing trip as part of a high school reunion. He had a one night stand after a night of drinking. He told me immediately. This isn’t like him and I think that there is a good chance that he will not repeat this behavior. It is tearing him up inside and it’s written all over his face how horribly sorry he is about all of this. My sister said that I should throw him out. She said that I should at least make him leave the house for a while so he sees how it feels knowing that he might lose me. I understand why she is saying this. She might be right. The problem is, I can’t stay angry at my husband. I never could. I hate conflict. Honestly, our marriage has struggled lately because of my health issues. I’m not making excuses for him, but I sort of understand. Is there some set amount of time that I’m supposed to be angry with him until things get back to normal?”

There Is Justification Either Way: You can see both ends of this spectrum. The truth is, there is no written or unwritten rule about how long you need to angry at your cheating spouse. Some people are able to let go of their anger right away because they are fully aware that holding onto the anger is only draining them and isn’t doing any good for themselves, their spouse, or their marriages. And some people see this in the opposite way, they can’t imagine themselves ever being able to lay down their anger because the betrayal was so huge and hurtful. They understandably feel very justified in their anger. And frankly, many people are afraid of letting go of their anger. Because they don’t want to give off the appearance that they in any way condone the affair. And they figure as long as they are angry, their spouse will be reminded of his mistake and he will be afraid to repeat it.

The thing is, the anger can deteriorate your happiness as well as his. And it’s exhausting to hold onto that anger. It seeps into other areas of your life in robs your happiness in places that have nothing to do with the cheating. I know that you can think that if you lay down your anger, he might cheat again. But frankly some husbands are more likely to cheat again because of the anger. They feel that they can never win and they become tired of always feeling like the bad guy.

Finding Balance With Anger:  The ideal is finding balance. You don’t want to pretend that you aren’t angry or disappointed when in fact you are. You can certainly let your husband know how disappointed you are and what you need going forward without falling back on the anger, but you should never diminish your own feelings.

I honestly think that you can be angry for as long as you feel that you need to as long as your anger is not holding you back from healing and moving forward. And this is sometimes easier said than done. Don’t allow anger to drive you. At the same time, you can let your anger go as soon as it feels right to do so as long as you’re not avoiding conflict at the detriment of yourself. I know that it can be hard to strike a balance. That’s why I’ve always found it helpful to journal in order to release or explore your anger so that it isn’t feeding your actions when you’re trying to move forward.

Believe me when I say that I understand. For the longest time, my anger was my crutch.  But I eventually made a very conscious decision to let it go.  It was hurting me from the inside out.  And things improved dramatically after that. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are struggling to come to a decision about their relationship after their boyfriend, partner or husband has cheated on them. If this isn’t confusing and upsetting enough, he’s often begging her to go to counseling so that she won’t leave him right away.

An example is a comment like: “I have always trusted my fiancé completely. Sometimes, he goes out with his single friends and I know that those guys go to bars and check out girls. But this has never bothered me because I knew that my boyfriend was loyal and a stand up guy. Well, this belief all came crashing down a couple of weeks ago. One of my boyfriend’s best friends was using a dating service to meet someone. The service was hosting an event for singles and he asked my boyfriend to go in order to support him. My boyfriend told me all about it and said that he wouldn’t go if I didn’t want him to. I honestly didn’t have any concerns about this. I suppose that was naive of me. Because while at this event, my boyfriend met a girl and went home with her. He told me about it a couple of weeks later. And it eventually came out that he had cheated with her more than once. He said he was telling me because he still wants to marry me and he doesn’t want to start our marriage with these secrets between us. He has even researched counselors and found one who has agreed to see us. I am torn. I love him. I hate to end our relationship. But at the same time, I don’t want a marriage in which I’m always afraid my husband is going to cheat on me. My parents had this kind of marriage and I would never accept this type of relationship. So part of me feels that I should just cut my losses now and find someone else who I know will always be faithful to me, although I realize that this might take a long time and be a long search. Is it even worth it to agree to go to counseling if I have all of these doubts and if I am pretty sure that it is going to be a waste of time?”

This isn’t something that anyone can decide for you. But, I’m happy to give you the perspective of someone who has been in this situation. I also hear from a lot of people who have experienced similar things. It’s my experience that counseling can be incredibly helpful. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t call it a waste of time even if you ultimately can’t and don’t save your relationship. Why would I say this? Because even if you can’t save your relationship, you will gain perspective and support. You will have a safe place in which to release all of your feelings and to obtain feedback from a professional so that when you resume this relationship or begin a new one, you aren’t dragging the baggage of this incident with you.

Also, many men who cheat are not willing to go to counseling even when their wife or girlfriend is begging him and giving them ultimatums. So, the fact that this man is not only willing to go but took the initiative to find the counselor is a very promising sign. I would consider meeting him halfway, but I do completely understand your hesitation.

After my husband’s affair, I didn’t even want to see him, much less sit in a counselor’s office with him. I won’t lie and tell you that the counseling was a party or fun. It wasn’t, especially at first. But after a very short time, I started to notice that the whole thing no longer felt so heavy. It started to give me a little bit of a relief to be able to unload and say what I needed to say. Also, I found that she was able to bring out things that were really bothering me which I hadn’t yet thought about, much less tries to articulate. Even if I hadn’t have chosen to save my marriage, I would have found it helpful.

Once we were able to get out the resentments of the affair, we were able to rebuild our marriage to a place where it was actually stronger. So yes, I am glad that I was open to this. WIth that said, I used some self help resources that were very effective also. I think what is most important is that you do make it a priority to deal with this, regardless of whether you end up saving your relationship.  There are a number of ways to do this, but counseling is a very effective way.  And if you have a partner willing to walk that route with you, then it makes sense to try.  I know that it can be tempting to just walk away and pretend that this never happened. But people who have tried this have told me that this doesn’t really work well, because it just follows you around and haunts you until you deal with it.

I can’t decide this for you, but I do believe that some sincere men who work very hard can be rehabilitated. Only you can decide if you want to give him that chance. If it helps, you can read more about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There are many reasons to be enormously frustrated with your spouse after they have had an affair. There’s the lies. The betrayal. The lack of integrity. But there can also be an awful lot of indecisiveness and waffling back and forth which can be as frustrating as anything else.

A wife might have this type of frustration: “my husband cheated on me with a woman who has just began doing consulting at his office. She isn’t going to be working there full time. In fact, her job is up in a month or so. My husband told me that he was going to end things with her. He told me that he was going to ask to transfer until she left her position. He told me that he was going to cut off contact with her. He also said that he was going to be making huge changes in his life. He said he was going to start going to church again and to stop going out after work. He said he was going to look into going to counseling and working on becoming a better man. Well, three weeks went by and he hasn’t done any of these things. When I confronted him about it, he said that he was having a hard time deciding the true direction that he wanted to take with his life. I know that this was a mistake, but I reached out to the other woman. She basically confirmed what my husband had told me. He did tell her that he wanted to break things off completely. He told her that he was going to change. And yet, both of us agree that although he seemed determined at the time, he really didn’t do much of what he said. And when I ask him about this, he gets angry at me. He admits that he doesn’t know exactly what he wants and he says that he needs time. I don’t understand this. Why is he being so indecisive? He either wants me or he doesn’t. He either wants to become a better man or he doesn’t. Quite honestly, the indecisiveness bothers me more than the cheating. Because I just can not understand it.”

I may not be the best person to attempt to explain the indecisiveness. I’m not a man who has cheated. I am a woman who has been cheated on. But I do believe that I understand at least some of the thought process that can go hand and hand with this. At least I have some theories that have been confirmed by some men who have been brutally honest with me.

My theory is that you see a lot of indecisiveness after an affair because you are dealing with someone who is struggling in their life. Often, these struggles existed long before the affair started. In fact, often the struggles greatly contributed to the affair. Sometimes, you have a man who no longer is completely clear on where he fits in, where his talents lie, what he has to offer, or why he is still relevant. These struggles continue and the cheating is, at least in part, because he is trying to alleviate or quiet some of these worries.

By the time the affair is found out, not only has he not worked through these things, now he has to deal with additional problems. Now he has a wife who is watching and criticizing his behavior and who is also deeply hurt by it. So now everything is magnified. And while he hasn’t yet had any resolution, suddenly he is now expected to have one immediately. This is when you will see him acting in a very wishy washy manner. He never had the answers before. And now, they are expected to come without the slightest delay. So he will waffle. He will go back and forth. He’s trying to feel his way and he’s trying to find something – outside of cheating – that is going to offer him some relief.

I am not defending him. And, having been there myself, I know that none of this is fair to you. However, I don’t think that trying to force him to be more decisive is going to fix the problem. Women will often criticize him or give him ultimatums. These things will often only make it worse. Because the pressure is one thing that contributes to the waffling in the first place.

This doesn’t mean that you have to just stand by and watch it. You can make it clear that you can’t try to save your marriage, or be intimate with him, or whatever the case may be, until you see some real following through on everything that he has claimed. And this may motivate him to move more quickly. But in my experience, it is much better to allow him to make his own decisions. Because it’s only then that you can have the confidence that he didn’t make any decisions based on force. He made them because they are truly what he wanted. And this gives you a much stronger foundation with which to work.

I actually hear from a lot of wives who say their husband isn’t very decisive after his affair.  This is common.  It doesn’t make it any less frustrating.  But it is something that many men exhibit.   If it helps, you can read more about how I navigated things after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives or girlfriends who are dealing with a very frustrating situation. In their hearts, they feel that there is a good chance that the man they love has cheated on them. But rather than admitting to it and beginning the process of moving on, the man will insist that he “doesn’t remember” if any actual cheating took place. This can leave the wife or girlfriend wondering if he’s lying, trying to avoid owning up to his actions, or if there is a slight chance that he might be telling the truth. (And even if he is telling the truth, then what does that even mean for the relationship?)

An example of a comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband went on an overnight fishing trip with a group of coworkers and friends. I was uptight about this trip from the beginning because I know some of these men to be irresponsible partiers who allow for things to get out of hand. I tried to bring my concerns up to my husband but he pretty much downplayed my worries and said that it would look weird at work if he didn’t go. He felt that becoming close with some of his coworkers was important for his career advancement. So, against my better judgment, I let him go. Well, as soon as they returned, my husband was acting weird. And then a couple of days after that one of my girlfriends called me and told me that I needed to look on one of the guys’ facebook pages right away. So I did. One of the coworkers who had gone on the trip had posted a photo of my husband kissing another woman and all but fondling her in the photo. There was almost an implied intimacy between them in the way that he was kissing her without reservation. I confronted my husband as soon as he got home. At first, he said that he didn’t even really know the woman and that she kissed him out of the blue as a joke. Well, then I started checking out several of the guys’ facebook photos and there were photos of the woman and my husband together wearing different clothing. Once I confronted him with this, my husband admitted that he did pal around with the other woman during the trip but that all of them spent the entire time drunk so he has no idea if he slept with her or not because his memory just isn’t there because of the intoxication. Why would a man claim that he doesn’t remember cheating? Is there any chance that he is telling me the truth?”

The Possibilities: Well, there are a couple of possibilities here. Keep in mind that I don’t know the people in question. I have no way of knowing about this husband’s character and if this behavior was typical or atypical in him. It’s not completely uncommon for a man to get into a risky situation that he doesn’t face every day – a bachelor party, a solo vacation, spring break, a far away business trip, or other situations that present the man with an opportunity to somehow become drunk, compromised, or vulnerable in some way and then to cheat.  Afterward, he may try to mitigate it by telling you that, for whatever reason, he wasn’t himself. In fact, he might take this a step further and tell you that he doesn’t remember exactly what happened so he can’t confirm or deny the cheating.

Deciding Where To Go From Here: This leaves you with in the difficult position of trying to decide how to proceed. Most men would love it if you would choose to assume that, since he can’t remember it, you will just pretend that there was no cheating. And, I suppose there is a chance that you might be right about that. But in this situation, there was physical evidence of, at the very least, incredibly inappropriate behavior on multiple occasions over multiple days. Even if you are not willing to take the jump that infidelity happened, something very wrong and damaging happened. And even worse, people who you know are now free to look at evidence of your husband’s bad judgement and betrayal.

I know that some may disagree with me, but my stance on this has always been that regardless of whether he can “remember” the cheating or not, it’s best to act “as if.” What I mean by that is that it is to your advantage to act as if the cheating has happened, at least in terms of your recovery. Because let’s me honest. As much as you would love pretend that he absolutely did not cheat and that you never saw those photos, is that really realistic? Will you ever be able to get that image of him kissing and all but fondling her out of your head (and looking like he is having a wonderful time doing it?)

I doubt it. And frankly, even if on a technicality it turns out that he didn’t cheat, working on your marriage and trying to heal isn’t going to hurt your marriage in any way. In fact, it will likely help it. And the reason for this is that part of recovery is your husband learning not to put himself in this type of risky situation. This is vital. Repeat cheating often happens when the man is put in that same situation. The same stimulus happens and he responds in the same way that he did before – which is to cheat. Of course you want to avoid this. Which is why, regardless of what actually happened, you’re going to want to look at why he acted the way he did and then make sure that he learns how to put safeguards in place so that he doesn’t repeat the behavior.

Recovery from infidelity isn’t always fun.  But it can actually strengthen your marriage if it is done correctly.  And even better, it usually really helps with the constant worry that he will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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