Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are unfortunately having to deal with two different issues. First, they are having to deal with the reality that their spouse has cheated on them. And that is no easy task. This is a shock and hurt that is comparable to few other losses in life.

Second, they are having to deal with the fact that every time they ask questions or want clarification about details of the affair, not only are they not given a straight answer, but they must face their spouse’s anger toward them. This puts you in a bind because without understanding how and why the affair happened, it’s going to be difficult to move past this and to fully heal. But it is difficult to have these necessary conversations when your spouse becomes angry with you every time you attempt it.

I might hear a comment like: “I actually considered leaving my husband when I first found out about the affair. I even packed my bags and made arrangements to go somewhere else. But then I thought about my kids and I couldn’t bring myself to just walk away. So I told myself that I would give this situation a month and then reevaluate after four weeks. I promised myself that if after a month, I still felt that my marriage was dead then I would give myself permission to walk away without guilt. And I promised myself that I would approach this month with an open mind. And that I would do everything in my power to try to make things better. But every time I approach my husband with questions about the affair, I am met with his anger. Frankly, so long as I’m not asking about the affair, he is sweet and apologetic and he seems remorseful. But as soon as I open my mouth and ask about the affair, his anger becomes unleashed, he clams up, and he insists that we are not going to talk about it. Why does he becomes so angry? Don’t I have a right to ask these questions?” I will answer this in the following article.

First of all, I believe that you have every right to ask these questions. I have been there and I know that these questions keep you awake at night and keep you from feeling peace. But, I also know that these questions come at a price. The more you find out, the more you want to know. And in truth, I honestly feel like my husband could have answered my questions endlessly or twenty four hours per day and I still would not have been satisfied with his answers. So, over a period of time, I’ve come to believe that it’s important to strike a careful balance between getting your questions answered and becoming almost obsessed with an unending list of questions. I am not saying that you don’t have a right to this. Because you do. But I am saying, from a hurtful experience, that I know first hand that getting every question answered doesn’t always bring you the closure that you were hoping for. In fact, it sometimes brings about a greater sense of unease. Now, I will tell you my theories as to why he might be getting angry.

He’s Angry At Himself: It’s easy to assume his anger is directed at you. After all, it is you to whom he is speaking. He is facing you when he is saying these words. It’s obvious by his tone and by his body language that he is angry. But I’ve come to believe that who he is really angry at is himself. He is angry that he put himself in this awful situation. He is angry at his horrible judgement and lack of control. And he is angry that now he is having to face up to his actions. If this sounds like the actions of a child, I completely understand where you are coming from. I’m not saying that is an evolved or mature thought process. But, in the beginning especially, it is often what you get. It’s normal to be angry at yourself anytime you make a bad decision where you knew better. This is no different.

He Doesn’t Want To Face The Painful Emotions That He Has Been Trying To Avoid All Along: I know that many people disagree with me when I say this. But, to a certain extent, an affair is about avoidance. A person doesn’t want to face the fact that they are aging, or deeply stressed out, or suffering a lack of self esteem and so the affair is a way to quiet those negative emotions. Well, when you ask him questions about the affair, it is like picking on a scab that he feels is never going to heal. He cheated as a way to avoid the fact that he doesn’t feel good about himself. Now, having to talk about it is all but ensuring the emotions that he was trying to avoid. And this painful to him.  So he tries to get you to back off with your anger.

Ways To Handle This: I often advocate having a third party asking the questions. Yes, this can mean counseling. But it helps if it appears that the questions aren’t directly coming from you all of the time. If you are resistant to counseling, then try a self help book where you can read off the questions. This still gives off the appearance that you aren’t the only one pulling the strings.

Also, try to limit the questions to set times. If your husband feels as if he’s going to be peppered with questions all day every day, then he’s going to get frustrated. But if he knows that this will be limited to your counseling session or those times where you’re working through self help, then he may have more tolerance. Also, try to be careful that you aren’t asking him the same thing over and over. Cheating spouse’s repeatedly comment on my blog that no matter what they say, it doesn’t satisfy their spouse and so they end up repeating themselves endlessly.

But to answer the original question posed, yes, you have every right to answers. But sometimes, you will have to change your approach in order to get the answers that you want.  If it helps, you can read more suggestions on how to strike this balance on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from couples who aren’t sure what to tell their children after one of them cheats and has an affair. Intuitively, they know that it’s not the best idea to involve their children in any aspect of their marriage. But, logistically, there are sometimes situations that come up that make the children curious as to why things have obviously changed. And many children will ask direct questions to which they expect an honest answer.

I might hear a comment on my blog like: “my husband cheated on me with a woman in our neighborhood. My children know this woman because they are friends with the woman’s daughter. In fact, my kids have spent time at her house while her daughter has stayed here. I have not kicked my husband out yet, although I have considered it. But it’s because of my children that I am even considering letting him stay and trying to work things out. With that said, I am not letting him in my bed. I don’t want him there and I can’t imagine ever wanting him there. So, he has willingly agreed to sleep in a spare bedroom for as long as it takes. The problem is that my kids like to come in our bedroom to watch TV with us on weekend mornings. So, this past weekend, they came traipsing into my room and of course they noticed that my husband wasn’t there and they asked about it. I thought fast and told them that my husband had a cold and was coughing so he went in the other room to not keep me up. They seemed to buy this just fine. But obviously I can’t use this excuse forever because no one has a cold indefinitely. What am I supposed to tell them about us sleeping in different rooms?”

I’m not a counselor or mental health specialist. But during my own recovery from infidelity, I had a counselor tell me that it’s always a bad idea to involve your children in the affair. She told me to avoid letting them know even the broadest details if I could help it. Because having secure relationships with both sets of parents contribute to a child feeling a sense of safety and well being. A child does not need to know that one of their parents was unfaithful because it would change the way that the child looks at his parent and could potentially change the relationship with that parent, which benefits no one and potentially hurts many.

I know that it’s sometimes tempting to let it slip. I know that it’s very awkward and hurtful to answer these questions. But think about it for a second. So many of us (myself included) are willing to consider saving our marriages pretty much solely because of our children, especially at first. We’re willing to do just about anything for our kids. So it doesn’t make sense that we would then tell our child something that is going to negate all of the care that we have taken to ensure that child’s mental health and well being.

I know that it can be hard to come up with plausible excuses that actually work. Some people will try explanations like: “daddy and I are taking a break right now and it’s nothing for you to worry about.” but this kind of vague explanation can lead a very curious child to ask even more questions because this doesn’t really address their initial concern. Likewise, if you tell your child there’s a medical issue causing your spouse to sleep in another bed, then they will worry about that too.

I think it’s best to try to give off the appearance that there’s really nothing to hide or worry about and then to drop it. If you dwell on it, the child will sense that something is wrong and this will only lead to more questions. You could try getting up earlier than the kids and then watching TV in the living room. Or, just on weekends, you could have your husband get up early and come into the bedroom just before the kids make their appearance. This might delay the questions. But at some point, you’ll likely just have to say “dad’s sleeping in the spare bedroom for a little while until we work some things out. It is nothing for you to worry about.”

The child might have more questions after this because they are likely to be able to sense that something has changed anyway. Try to answer with reassurance. But again, children do not need to know details about (or even the existence of) the affair. I know that this can be difficult when you are so angry. But keep reminding yourself that you’re motivated by your children’s well being. And also remember that your children are learning important lessons from you. One day, they will have their own marriages. And they will have to learn how to navigate conflict. And one day they will remember that although their parents obviously went through something serious in their marriage, they banded together and they were still a family while they worked it out.

My husband did leave the house for a little while after his affair.  We told our children that it was for business.  And frankly, we gave the appearance of sleeping in the same beds, even when my husband went to spare bedroom after they were asleep.  There was obviously some deception in this, but we felt this was better than our kids worrying about our marriage. If it helps, you can read more of the story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who almost can’t believe that they are admitting that they are seeking a way to return their spouse’s love after he cheated. Deep down, they know that it should be the other way around. They know that he should be trying to earn their love back. But, for whatever reason, these faithful wives doubt their husband’s love for them. They feel that the infidelity stole something from their relationship that might never return.

I might hear a comment like: “ever since I caught my husband cheating on me, he’s been cold, distant, and bordering on mean and cruel. Our marriage was struggling for the year before the affair because I had some medical issues that caused stress, financial hardship, and a lack of intimacy. However, even despite this, I still felt that deep down my husband still loved me. I hoped that as things improved in our lives, our marriage would get back on track too. That all changed when the other woman came into our lives. Even when my marriage was struggling, my husband was always respectful, complimentary, and kind to me. But, once the other woman came along, this all changed. Now, it seems that I can’t do anything right. My husband is not downright critical of me and he’s extremely frigid toward me. There are days when I almost feel that there is hatred that he feels toward me. It’s pretty clear to me that he doesn’t love me anymore. I feel like he compares me to the other woman and I come up short. I feel like he thinks that he can never be happy with me now because now he knows what is possible with the other woman. I have tried to reach him physically but he always backs away from me and creates distance between us. So, I want to know what I can say to him verbally to make him love me again? How can I make him see that the other woman is not who he thinks she is? How can I make him know that it is our marriage that is important here? And that he’s just a few steps away from throwing it all away? What words can I say to talk some sense into him?”

I know that this is a difficult and frustrating situation. And, I’m about to tell you something that may not make you happy at first. The good news is that once you process the total of this message, it will likely help you to formulate a better and more effective plan. I’m not telling you this to discourage you. I’m telling you because I want to help.

I know first hand that it is tempting to try to get him to listen to you right now. You want to tell him all of the things that seem so obvious to you and yet somehow he seems to keep missing the obvious. You think that if you can get him to listen for long enough to hear you out, then he will finally see the truth, and he may even be grateful to you for that knowledge eventually.

Turning Away From What Is Tempting But Less Likely To Be Effective: It would be wonderful for it to work this way. But it rarely does. It helps to accept that he is likely not thinking clearly and rationally right now, as evidenced by the affair. So trying to appeal to him rationally is often an attempt that has a low chance of success. Often, he will just tune you out and he will become even more determined to prove you wrong. In short, he will actually look to build the other woman up as you try to tear her down. This accomplishes the opposite of what you set out to do.

I know that it’s very tempting to tell him how stupid he is being and how he obviously isn’t thinking clearly. You might be tempted to point out how selfish and short sighted he is to betray you for someone who he doesn’t even really know. But let’s think about that strategy for a second. Is it really logical to think that he might suddenly say: “thank you so much for helping me see the light. I hadn’t thought of that before. You’re right. What an idiot I’ve been.”

As wonderful as those words would be to hear, very few men are going to speak them. Instead, they come to these realizations by themselves. But in their own time. And in their own way (and their own way usually allows them to keep their dignity.) Some better phrases to try might be something like: “it really hurts me to see the marriage that we’ve worked so hard for threatened. I know that we are both going through things right now that challenge our vision of the marriage that we thought we had, but I’m hoping that we will both try to keep the right perspective and not make any abrupt or unfortunate decisions. Emotions are running high and it would be very easy for both of us to just walk away. But I don’t plan to do that because it would be a mistake. We’ve put in too much time, effort, and commitment to not give our marriage a fair chance. I am committed to doing that. I know that it won’t always be easy and I know that there is a lot of work to do, especially when our feelings may not be completely clear. But I’m willing to try. And I’m willing to hang in there even when the future isn’t already set. I hope that you are too.”

It May Take More Than Words To Get The Desired Result: Please know that words alone aren’t usually enough – especially after something as serious as an affair. Words can make your intentions clear and provide clarity and reassurance. But usually, both people are waiting for the reassurance that only time can bring. So yes, it doesn’t hurt to say the words. But always try to follow the words with real, concrete action. And after an affair, it is typically a long string of actions that we are talking about. And frankly, since it was the husband that had cheated, he needed to take some initiative with the actions as well. Honestly, it really shouldn’t be up to you to make this up to him. It should be the other way around. As the spouse who cheated, he should also be taking the initiative.

And know that you are lovable and worthy of anyone’s love.  When you believe this deep in your core, it is easier for him to believe it too.  This was a lesson that took me a while to learn.  But once I did, it made all of the difference in my healing.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from couples who really do want to make things work after one of them cheated and had an affair. But, they can’t stop the endless fighting. They can’t seem to turn around the negativity that has developed between them. They might envision a healed marriage and a fresh start, but they are having a hard time moving toward that place because they can’t stop pushing each other’s buttons and lashing out.

I might hear a comment like: “there are days when I absolutely hate my husband for cheating on me. My mother’s husband cheated on her. My friend’s husband cheated on her. And I have had to watch wonderful women who I love struggle and hurt because a man couldn’t act with integrity. I have hated these men. I thought they were losers who couldn’t see the beautiful women right in from of them. I thought that they were liars and cheats. I told myself I could never be with that type of man. And now here I am married to a man who is no better than them. So yes, I have a lot of pent up anger toward my husband. And it comes out all of the time. I say nasty and hurtful things to him. And he will strike back and say that it is no wonder he cheated because I am so cold and abrasive. And it a vicious cycle. We will have a good day or two and seem to make some progress. And then something will come up and I will be furious and I will lash out at him again. Then he will say something horrible back to me to justify his cheating. And before I know it, we’re screaming at one another. I went into this saying that I wanted to save my marriage. But, I just don’t think that it’s going to be possible. Do people ever save their marriages after an affair when they can’t move past the fighting?”

Breaking The Cycle Of Anger: My answer to this is yes. I know this to be true because I have experienced it myself. But I have to tell you that turning the corner and tapering down and stopping the fighting doesn’t just magically happen. It takes work. It takes learning new ways to communicate. It takes having control and disrupting yourself when you want to lash out. It requires that you don’t engage with him even when he’s trying to push your buttons. And it helps greatly if you are both on board and agree to turn this around.

Frankly, it also helps quite a bit if you have a counselor or third party to help you identify your triggers and then to coach you on new ways to address them. However, I do realize that not everyone wants or can go to counseling. I believe that it’s possible to redirect your marriage without counseling, but it requires a great deal of effort, self help, and self recognition. You have to get into the habit of watching your marriage and your actions almost like an outsider so that you can objectively see what is at play here. This can take quite a bit of determination. But I believe that it is possible.

The Natural Progression Of Things: I can also tell you this, which you might find to be encouraging. Even if you do nothing at all, the shock and anger does just naturally fade in time. I don’t want to insinuate that you just naturally will let go of your anger without working through it. That is not what I mean. But what I am saying is that the intensity of the anger does wane. Because it is exhausting to maintain that high level of emotion all of the time. So just because of that alone, things may begin to improve. When you are not as angry, you will not lash out as much and he will therefore not respond. This will break the cycle somewhat.

Understanding What Is Underneath The Anger: You have to be careful to not push your spouse’s buttons and vice verse because you are right. It’s very hard to make progress with your marriage and eventually save it when you can’t heal because of the fighting. Starting out this way doesn’t mean that your marriage is over. It just means that you have a lot of work to do. Much of the time, the anger is based on fear and resentment. You are scared that your life and your marriage is never going to right again. You feel that he has taken your happiness and your peace of mind away.

But here is something that you might not realize. It took me way to long to realize this, but I eventually did. You don’t need his cooperation for your own peace of mind and happiness. You can work on these things separate from him, separate from the affair, and separate from your marriage. You can restore your happiness and peace of mind without things needing to go perfectly as far as your marriage is concerned. You can work on your own healing without his input. And do you know what happens when you do? Your resentment and your anger fades. You stop lashing out so much because you know that you are going to be fine no matter what happens.

And when your anger fades, his cooperation increases. When these two things happen at once, you’re both more likely to work together more and fight less. This is why I don’t think that this situation is helpless. It’s quite common. And, with work and determination, it can be overcome.

There were days when I felt that I didn’t have control over my anger.  Instead, my anger had control over me.  It took a lot of effort to over come this.  But it got easier with time. If it helps, you can read more about how I progressed on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who can’t imagine ever being able to move on or to “let go” after their husband’s infidelity. And many wonder if their inability to do this is going to mean the end of their marriage.

To demonstrate, you’d typically get a comment like: “my husband’s affair really changed our life. We honestly had it all – two wonderful children, great jobs, a hometown we love, and a good marriage. My husband began a relationship with a woman at his job and it turned serious. It became so serious that this woman actually left her husband. Once she did this, my husband realized that he had to end the relationship because he didn’t want to leave our family. He confessed to the affair. I didn’t suspect anything. We had a good marriage. So if he hadn’t confessed, I would never have found out. I thought about things for a while and I decided that I wanted to try to save my marriage. I am not sure if this is going to be possible, but I do want to give it a shot. I told me husband the only way that I would even attempt a reconciliation is if he breaks off all contact with the other woman. He agreed to do this immediately. But then he said that he had something to ask of me. He said that eventually, I am going to need to let the affair go. His father cheated on his mother twenty years ago. His mother still harbors anger and still brings the affair up even after all this time. My husband says that he won’t have a marriage like his parents. He says that while he understands me not being able to let it go right now, he expects me to do so eventually. I agreed to this at first. But as time has passed, I realize just how hard a request this truly is. I find myself thinking about the affair all of the time. My husband and I will actually be having a good day, but something will always make me think of the affair and the mood is lost. I feel as if something has been taken from me that I can never get back. And I’m starting to wonder if I will ever be able to truly let it go. What if I can’t? What if I’m destined to hold onto this bitterness and this anger forever? Am I going to have a marriage like my in laws’? Or is my husband going to become so frustrated with me that my marriage will be over anyway?”

I can sympathize here because I know how this feels. When the devastation of the affair is fresh and new, you can start to worry if you are ever going to feel any better than you do at the worst time. Because you can’t envision anything that would ever make this improve. After all, you can’t undo or take back the affair. So, you will always have to live with the knowledge that your husband did this to you and to your marriage. You might wonder how you ever begin to forget something like that or move past it. You might think that this sort of pain never dulls or begins to go away. I understand this because I felt that way too.

But here is one thing that I learned. It doesn’t serve you to worry about things before they have happened. By doing so, you are only heaping full servings of worry onto a plate that is already more than full. It helps to take it one day at a time and one issue at a time. Handling it otherwise can just make things feel overwhelming.

Here is something else that you may not have considered. Over time, you will likely become very motivated to let it go. It’s an extremely heavy burden to bear. Most wives sort of cling to it at first because being mad helps with dealing with the pain. If you can be mad at him, then you can ignore your hurt, if only for just a little while. After some time passes though, you realize how hard it is to maintain these negative emotions. It’s exhausting. And it hurts just as much to be mad as to be sad. So it’s very normal and common to actually want to very willingly let it go after a while. And believe me when I tell you, it is such a relief to lay down that heavy load.

Here’s something else that I can share. Instead of placing your worry on not being able to do what you need to do, instead place your focus on healing. I’m talking about healing yourself first and your marriage second (should you chose to heal your marriage.) Because I know first hand that when you heal, letting this go is so much easier. You can do it once you’ve healed because you no longer feel like an open wound. Once happiness and peace returns to your life, you want to push the negative thoughts and feelings aside because they interfere with the stride that you have hit. What I am saying is that when you’ve healed, you will do everything in your power to maintain this. Because you know how bad it feels otherwise.  And that includes letting it go very willingly.  In time, you will learn how to restructure or interrupt those negative thoughts and worries because they do not serve you.

My answer to the original question though is to tell yourself that you will cross that bridge when you get to it. Don’t invite more worry into your life. Tell yourself that your first course of action is giving yourself what you need to heal. Because honestly, if you do that, the letting it go part just naturally follows. If it helps, you can read more about my healing process my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are asking them to wait while he takes his time about breaking off the affair. To be fair, assuming that the husband really intends to end the affair, he usually genuinely believes that he has a legitimate reason for not just abruptly ending the relationship all at once. And he can feel that he’s only asking for a tiny bit of time to do this in the right way at the right time. But, what about what the wife wants? What about what is the right time for the wife?

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband has been having an affair with a woman who he grew up with. He used to live down the street from her and this woman’s mother practically raised my husband. Their families were very close. She moved back to our town to care for her aging mother. So, my husband feels a sort of responsibility to her. When I caught my husband, the first thing out of his mouth was to beg me not to leave him. He literally fell to his knees and told me that he loved me and our children more than anything in the world and he begged me to allow him to make things right again. I told him I would think about that, but I demanded that he break off the affair immediately. He hesitated when I said this and I knew there was a problem. He then explained that he feels responsibility toward the other woman because she is going through such a rough time with her mother. He asked me to have just a little bit of patience with him so that he could let her down gently and compassionately. He said it wasn’t like she was a stranger and that, because of the circumstances, he is going to see her around town and he can’t bear to just drop her so cruelly. Well, what about what is cruel to me? I feel like she made the choice to cheat with a married man, so she should have to deal with whatever that means. I believe that I should be my husband’s only priority right now and it bothers me greatly that cares about how she feels. Is it reasonable for him to ask me to have patience while he breaks it off? Am I out of line?”

I will admit that my answer to this question is biased. I have dealt with infidelity in my own life. And my answer is that no, it is not reasonable to ask your spouse to have patience while you end the affair. If you really value your wife and your marriage, then the affair needs to end immediately with no questions asked. I realize that not every one is going to agree with my opinion. But that is how I feel.

I do know that people are going to be hurt by this. But there is no way to avoid that. The wife is going to be hurt. And none of this is her fault. She didn’t do one thing to put this into motion and yet she is affected by it. She is the one who is legally committed to this man and she is the one who should get his priority right now if he wants to save his marriage and show her that she is more important to him than the other woman – to whom he has no commitment whatsoever.

I concede that it is unfortunate that the other woman is going through a painful time in her life. In fact, that pain might have made her more vulnerable to make the unfortunate decision to cheat with a married man. And I am not without empathy for other people and their pain. However, knowing the husband for as long as she has, she knew that he was married and had children. And yet, she chose to begin a romantic and secret relationship with him anyway. She had to suspect that it might not end in the way that she had hoped. She had to suspect that one day his wife might find out and then he would have a decision to make.

Well, the time of that decision is now. And I believe that the nod should go to the person to whom you have promised to love and be faithful to forever. Sure, that vow may have been broken. But it is how you handle things right now that is going to dictate what happens tomorrow. When you have betrayed your spouse,  you will have to work very hard to make things remotely right again. Asking your spouse to wait while you end the relationship at your own slow pace isn’t right. And it puts your recovery in jeopardy.

So no, I don’t believe that this wife was out of line. And I wouldn’t blame her in the least if she told her husband that she had no patience at all. In fact, I might say something like: “sorry, but I am fresh out of patience. I understand your wanting to break it off in a compassionate way, but you need to do it immediately and you need to make it clear that it is final and that there is no room for negotiation. She honestly is not your responsibility. I should be your highest concern. And until I am, I can’t put my efforts into our marriage. I will always worry that I am second best and that is not fair. So I’m asking you to break it off today. And until you do that, then don’t ask me to reassure you that I won’t take action.”

I know that this might sound like a threat. That’s not my intention. You can say this in a firm, but non aggressive way. Because you are just stating how you feel. I’m not saying that the husband’s intentions aren’t admirable. But in my opinion, there are misplaced. He’s hurt his wife enough. Asking her to have even more patience when none can be expected just isn’t fair.

Once you get over this hurdle, do your very best to put her behind both of you as soon as possible.  It is best to get her out of your love and not to let her back in.  So as best as you can, don’t continue to think about or fret over her.  Focus on yourself.  I know it’s difficult.  But I also know that it can be done.  If it helps, you can read more about my healing process my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are so frustrated that their husband is still indignant and in denial about his affair, even after he has been caught. Often, the wife has very strong suspicions and even some proof. But the husband will continue to deny it and will continue to lie. He believes that posturing in this way is the best way to discourage his wife from learning the truth. And he wants to delay this for as long as he possibly can. But not all wives will give up this easily. Many will only become more determined to catch him. And when they do, they expect for him to admit everything and to finally start talking. When he refuses to do this, the wives aren’t sure how to proceed.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I suspected my husband of having an affair early on in the process. I know my husband very well. And I knew that he was acting distant and weird. I also saw a couple of texts and photos on his phone. He tried to play it off like a woman from work was pursuing him but he swore that he wasn’t doing anything to encourage her. From the looks of the woman, I doubted that this was true. But I backed off until I could get proof. For two months, I watched and became certain of the affair. There were more texts and then some emails. I printed them out and confronted him, but he continued to lie to me. This only made me more determined to get to the truth. So, I started following him. And it didn’t take long until I caught him red handed. I mean I walked right up to their hotel room and I knocked on the door. When my husband answered wearing only a towel, there was no way that he could weasel out of it this time. But although he hasn’t overtly denied it this time, he won’t talk about it either. When I try to question or confront him about it, he gets very angry and he will often storm out. Anytime I try to bring the conversation back to it, he will say something like: ‘we aren’t talking about that. And if you keep bringing it up, I’m leaving.’ This puts me in an awful situation. I am not going to just drop this. It’s almost as if he’s hoping that I will forget what I saw. But I won’t forget that for as long as I live. How can I handle this when he refuses to talk about it? Obviously, if we can’t talk about it, our marriage is over, at least as far as I’m concerned. I don’t have any idea if we would ever be able to save our marriage but I would like the option to at least try.  But the only option that he’s giving me is to just drop it or watch him walk away.”

Understand That He Is Likely Reacting To Fear: I know that this wife likely felt very discouraged. But, this is a very common situation. I’m not sure that this should make you feel any better, but at least it will let you know that you are not alone and that your husband is not the first man to try to posture his way out of taking responsibility for his actions. Many wives assume that this is arrogance, a lack of caring, or of being indignant. But frankly, in my opinion, it is based on fear. And sometimes also on shame and guilt. He knows that there is a lot at stake. He’s often embarrassed and ashamed. He winces at even thinking about the details of his deception and he may become downright filled with anxiety at the thought of having to actually put this into words.

Making Your Expectations Clear: I know that this puts you in a difficult situation. I suggest making it clear that refusing to discuss the affair is not going to be an option.  It’s also important to stress that it’s in both of your best interests to make the process as calm and as cordial as possible. Ultimately, I believe that a good counselor can make this process less awkward and more effective. But, very few husbands in this situation are going to agree to go to a counselor, especially at first.

I’d suggest a conversation that goes something like this: “I know that you are threatening to leave if I continue to push to discuss the affair. That’s really up to you. But you can’t possibly believe that I am going to accept the possibility that I will never get the answers that I need. This isn’t fair to me and it’s not even reasonable of you to ask. I have no idea if this marriage is still valuable to you or not, based on your actions. But if it is even remotely important to you, – and if I still matter to you – then you will agree to start talking, no matter how difficult it may be. I deserve answers. And I’m not going to accept never getting those answers. If it helps or if you think it would be easier, we can find a third party to help us with this process. But I’m not going to accept never talking about this. I understand that you might need some time to think about this. I’m not expecting an immediate answer. But ultimately, you are going to have to talk at length about it if we have any hope of saving our marriage or of salvaging some sort of relationship.”

He may not start talking immediately. But if you make it clear that this is going to have to happen and you don’t just allow him to pretend that things are normal, he will eventually realize that he can no longer just demand that you not ask questions. It’s unrealistic to think that you will just accept this. And you shouldn’t have to. There will come a time when he will have to decide if his continued silence is more important to him than your marriage. And he will often try to get you to accept less than you deserve until you tell him that this just isn’t going to be acceptable to you.

My husband didn’t posture to this extent.  But he did try to downplay some things in the beginning.  I had to make it clear that this wasn’t going to fly. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on My Husband Cheated And Then Lied About The Affair Until I Caught Him. And Now He Refuses To Discuss It

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who don’t feel loved by their spouse regardless of the circumstances. And the reason for this is that they can’t get past their spouse’s affair. They can’t understand how their spouse can still love them and then betray them in this way. And, they just don’t feel any love, any connection, or even any real concern or emotion from their spouse.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “my husband was very distant when I first found out about his affair and confronted him. But once a couple of days passed, he apologized and asked me not to leave him. I said that I wasn’t going to make any rash decisions, but that I couldn’t make any promises either. I can tell that my husband has been trying to be sensitive and kind and I can tell that the effort is there. But my husband isn’t very good at faking his emotions. And when he looks at me, I’m not seeing love. He doesn’t look at me as if he is in love with me. The other day, I came home from work sick, and he seemed more annoyed by the fact that I was home rather than being concerned about my being sick. He never laughs at what I have to say anymore. I don’t feel that he truly listens to me. He says that he wants to continue to be married to me. But, I’m not sure why. Because I don’t think he loves me anymore. And if this is true, then I don’t know why he’d want to stay with me, other than financial reasons. And I’m not sure that I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me.”

I know how this feels. I know that you have doubts and that you are watching every single thing that your husband does so very closely. I understand that you probably feel a little insecure about his feelings toward you. But, I’d like to caution you about just assuming that he doesn’t love you. Because in the time period immediately after the affair, emotions are still very high, the wounds are still fresh, he’s likely still very embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior, and therefore he may be a little distant because he’s trying to save himself from your rejection. It also may be painful for him to see you so hurt, so you won’t see him taking long hard looks at you because it is easier to just look away.

It’s easy to assume that he doesn’t love you when this happens, but sometimes, he is trying to shield himself from your pain or from your rejection. That’s not to say that there aren’t some men who aren’t sure of their feelings after an affair. But, I don’t think that many people would want to stay with someone who they know that they don’t love. What would be the point of that?

Wives will often tell me that he’s only staying for the kids or because of money. But, even if this is so, how long can this last? No one is going to want to commit to a life time of being with someone who they don’t love. This would give you absolutely nothing to look forward to and would sentence you to a life that is less happy than you would want. The point is, if he truly doesn’t love you, then this should be evident in time.

I think it’s more likely that if he says that he still loves you, then he is telling you the truth but he is having trouble navigating how to act and what to do because of his affair. He’s usually reluctant to show you much emotion because he’s afraid that you will rebuke him. Many men comment on my blog and tell me that their wife will tell him that he’s not loving enough, but then when he tries to be, the wife will make cutting comments like: “I’ll bet you kissed the other woman more passionately than that.” Or “you didn’t love me all that much when you were sleeping with someone else.”

Because men aren’t sure how to handle these type of comments and they are afraid that you will push them away if they try to show you affection, many will sort of shut down and wait for you to give them some guidance. Or, they will distance themselves without even realizing that this is what they are doing. And this isn’t because they don’t love you. It is because they are mad at themselves and they just aren’t sure of the appropriate way to act.

My suggestion is to give it a little time. As things calm down and you are able to become more comfortable around one another with time, his true feelings should come through. Also, with time, you should see more authenticity simply because people can’t pretend forever. And, why would they want to?

I have to say that an outsider looking at my marriage after my affair would have wondered if my marriage was over.  Because there wasn’t much emotion or love being demonstrated by either of us.  But as time passed and healing began, you started to see glimpses of loving behavior which only strengthened as more time passed.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on I Don’t Feel Like My Spouse Loves Me Anymore Since His Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who truly don’t understand why they aren’t feeling sorrow and remorse for being unfaithful to their spouse. Most will tell you that if you had told them a year ago that they would have cheated on or betrayed their spouse, they never would have believed it. In fact, many of them consider themselves to be the type of people who never, ever, would cheat. So when they do, the expectation would be that they couldn’t express enough remorse. When this isn’t the case, they sometimes don’t understand why.

An example of the type of comment that I might hear is something like: “before I ever get into what I have done, I have to tell you that I consider myself to be a very honest, trust worthy, and honorable person. I am the type of person who will always point it out if I am given the wrong change or if someone hasn’t charged me enough at the check out line. I am honest to a fault. I always try to do the right thing. So it is totally out of character of me to cheat on my spouse. I have never cheated on any one before. It is not like me. And that’s why I don’t understand why I don’t feel remorse or guilt. My husband has not always been the best husband, that is true. He is a high powered professional who is never home. He leaves me to raise the kids by myself. I have asked him for more time and more support and his response is to ask me who I think pays for the lifestyle that I seem to like very much. I would rather have more of my husband’s time and less of his money and I have told him the same. He isn’t active in his children’s lives. He sometimes treats me like the hired help. Deep down, I know that he loves me. I know that he is juggling a lot of things. But he is not good at showing love and giving time. So yes, I cheated with the father of my children’s friend. This man’s wife is also a high powered executive and she is never home either. He knows what I am going through and we relate to each other. He listens. He cares. He appreciates me. To be quite honest about it, I didn’t think my husband was going to care all that much when he found out I was cheating. But he appears to be devastated and he demanded we go to counseling. When we are there, he will get very emotional about how hurt he is by all of this. And I know that when I hear the hurt in his voice, I should feel remorseful and guilty but I don’t. I feel nothing. And part of me thinks that he brought this on himself. What is wrong with me?”

I didn’t think that there was anything wrong with this wife. I didn’t think that she was an unfeeling or cold person. She was actually having a very typical response, especially in the early stages of cheating. It’s very normal to shut down your emotions toward your spouse when you are cheating. Why? Because in order to carry out the cheating, you need to feel justified in it. This is especially true when you are an honorable and conscientious person like this wife was. If you weren’t grappling with some serious issues, then you likely wouldn’t have been able to cheat. So, in order to shut down all of these emotions, you either dull or deny your feelings for your spouse, or you focus on his flaws, or both.

And that is why, when it all comes to light and the cheating is found out, you may still be a little indignant and a little distant from him. You’ve gotten very good at being able to separate yourself from him because you have had to. So it’s understandable that you aren’t overcome with emotion toward him now. You may also feel some loyalty (or attachment to) the other man and therefore are further shutting down your feelings toward your spouse.

This doesn’t mean that you won’t ever feel remorse though. And, the wife in the above scenario certainly didn’t strike me as someone who could do something like this and not know that it was wrong. My opinion on this is admittedly biased, but I believe that most people know in their hearts that cheating is wrong, regardless of whatever justification they might have felt. It is always a choice to cheat regardless of the circumstances surrounding it. I am sure that the wife knew this. Many honest, caring, and integrity filled people hold back their emotions here as a form of self preservation. Because they know that if they let even a hint of emotion out, then it’s all going to come pouring out like water rushing out of a compromised dam.

So they keep a stiff upper lip, they tell themselves that their spouse deserved it, and they deny feeling any guilt or remorse. Usually as time passes, this begins to shift. They begin to see the person sitting across from them as a real person again and as their spouse. And they begin to realize that no matter what he may have done or what mistakes that he made, he didn’t deserve this type of secrecy and betrayal. And whether you want to save your marriage or stay in the other relationship, you have to know that what you did was very hurtful. And I doubt that you would want for your spouse to do the same to you.

I don’t want to be discouraging because it is clear that the wife was a good person. She had likely shut down her emotions in order to get through this situation. And I suspected that if she continued on with the counseling, she would eventually experience the more typical emotions in this scenario which is guilt for betraying your spouse, whether you want to still be married or not. It’s a gradual process but in time you will likely look around and realize how far you’ve come.

My husband was very distant and seemed to lack remorse after his affair.  With just a little time though, the emotions all came pouring out and it was obvious that he was trying to be detached because he really was quite guilt ridden and was having a hard time dealing with it. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Comments Off on Why Do I Feel No Remorse For Being Unfaithful To (And Cheating On) My Spouse

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from long term couples who are struggling because one of them has cheated or had an affair. Many are quite shocked that, after being married and faithful for all of this time (decades in some cases,) their spouse would betray them now. They sometimes feel as if they have wasted countless years of their life on a person who isn’t so trustworthy after all.

I might hear a comment like: “I have been with my husband for over twenty years. We have been married for eighteen of those years . I have given this man the best years of my life and four beautiful children. I have stood by him through his most difficult days and I have shared wonderful days with him. I have sacrificed and put my own career on hold so that I could help advance his career. I have always been supportive of him and put him before myself. And now, after eighteen years, this is how he repays me. I picked up his phone to charge it for him and I see all these texts and photos from a young bimbo. I am beyond devastated. And I am furious. I feel like I have spent most of my adult life supporting something that never even existed in the first place. I feel like my whole life has been a lie. I feel like there is nothing for me to work toward now. My friends tell me that I will calm down and eventually things will not seem as dire as they do right now. But, I don’t know about that. I feel such a huge sense of loss.”

This wife’s feelings were very normal. I felt the same way for quite some time before I started to look at things a little differently. My intention is to make this article helpful to you regardless of whether you want to save your marriage or not. No matter where you are in the process, it almost invariably gets better. That is just the natural progression of things and I hope that it is reassuring to hear. I know that it can feel like nothing is ever going to change, but it almost always does. I’m not going to try to convince you that this isn’t an awful thing that has happened. But I am going to try to convince you that there are ways to approach it which make it a little easier to handle.

Know That Regardless Of What Happens Moving Forward, You Don’t Want To Call It All A Waste: I’m always a little concerned when I hear someone say that their marriage or their history with their cheating spouse was “a waste.” And this is particularly true if there are children involved. Sure, it may be hard to remember the good times right now when the bad times are right in front of your face. But if the whole marriage never existed, then you wouldn’t have the four beautiful children that you have and that I am sure you would not trade for anything in the world. And, those same four children probably need you right now.

From my own experience, I completely understand feeling as if your whole married life is a lie. You are certainly justified in feeling this way, especially in the beginning of the healing process. However, I’ve learned from experience that focusing on the negative in this way will potentially negate all of the good for which you have worked and fought so hard. Whether you want to give your spouse and your marriage another chance or not, hopefully in time you will come to realize that this one mistake does not negate the twenty years of history that you have created with this person. All of that was real. One day at a time and day after day, you created a life. No, it obviously wasn’t perfect during every day of it. But it existed. And it’s my opinion that you shouldn’t deny that. Because being able to sustain a long term marriage with your family intact says a lot about you. And it is something to be proud of, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

And, if you one day do want to save your marriage, I suspect that you will find that your long, shared history matters quite a lot. In my own case, once I calm down a bit, I was able to realize that I couldn’t (and shouldn’t) attempt to erase years and years of a good and happy marriage over a mistake that happened over the course of only a few weeks. You may not ultimately decide to save your marriage. But even if you don’t, at least give yourself credit and allow yourself to respect and retain what you worked so hard to create, even if it eventually changes in form.

Saying that it means nothing sells yourself short and takes away something that you have worked hard for. Regardless of what you chose to do with your marriage, don’t steal anything positive from the past. You created a family. You put in the time, the effort, and you should reap the rewards. This is true regardless of how it all turns out.

I found that in my own life, I was able to move past the resentment (at least somewhat) by addressing the things that most bothered me. Like this wife, I had put my family and my husband’s career first while I put my own needs second. I remedied that and it dramatically helped my self esteem. You don’t need any one’s permission to do this, but give yourself the encouragement to take whatever steps are necessary. Hopefully, in time, you will see that instead of being “nothing left,” there is plenty left.  And there is plenty to look forward to. You have your children, your life, your health and the future. You can craft that future into whatever you want it to be.

I don’t mean to minimize what you are going for.  I have been there.  I know that it is difficult. But I also know that it gets better.  Hang in there and ask yourself what you need every day just to move a little more toward healing. It’s a gradual process but in time you will look around and realize how far you’ve come.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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