Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are confused as to why a man would cheat on his wife and then suddenly want to break off the affair because he wants his wife back. Sometimes, the person who is confused about this process is the woman with whom the husband is cheating. And sometimes, it is the wife herself.

From the other woman, I might hear a comment like: “I was so shocked when the man who I have been seeing told me that we can’t be together anymore. He has gone out of his way to see me every night for about six weeks. We get along wonderfully. He always told me that he couldn’t get enough of me. He seemed to be crazy about me. And, on the rare occasions that he would talk about his wife, it wouldn’t be a favorable conversation. He mostly described her as a nag who didn’t understand and appreciate him. So, when he broke it off, I assumed that I did something wrong. It never occurred to me that he would want to work on his marriage or pick up where he left off with his wife. So I asked him what I had done. I told him that this whole thing was so confusing to me. All he would say would that the relationship wasn’t right, that it was a mistake, and that he wanted to end it. I finally asked him straight out if he was going back to his wife and he only nodded. This has happened to me a few times. I will fall for a married man and I will think that he is the one. He will represent to me that he is married in name only. And then he will go back to his wife. What is wrong with these men? Why do they do this?”

And although the wife might voice this differently. She too, often wonders why, if her husband is so unhappy with her and with the marriage, doesn’t he just divorce her? And if he wants to discard her or the marriage, then why is he suddenly so desperate to save the marriage now?

The answer to both women’s questions is surprisingly similar. Granted, I am not a man who has cheated. But I’ve been married to a man who has cheated (once) and I hear from many of these men on my blog. I firmly believe that many men who cheat never intend to leave their wives or end their marriages, despite what they might tell the other woman.

There is often an assumption that men only cheat when they are in unhappy marriages to nagging or frumpy women. I don’t believe this to be the case. Admittedly, I have a vested interested in not believing this because I most certainly don’t want to believe it about myself or my marriage. But, I have heard it from the men themselves. Most of them separate the affair from their marriage. They see them as two distinct and separate things. And many will tell you that their wife and their marriage has nothing to do with this. (Many will have a very angry tone when they tell you this because they are a bit offended by the implication that they don’t love their wife.)

So, if this is true and they are not necessarily responding to their marriage or their wife, then why are they in this situation? What is the problem? Well, here’s my theory, although I fully admit that a theory is all it is. If you look at many men in this same situation over time, you will start to see trends. It is so very obvious that there are certain vulnerable times in a man’s life and these are usually times of high stress. This could be anything from the birth of a child, the death of a parent, struggles at the job, middle age, or any number of things. To be honest, sometimes these stressors contribute to the husband feeling badly about himself and feeling like he has let down himself and his family. And this is when he’s vulnerable to very impulsive and destructive behavior (like an affair.)

None of this means that he wants to throw his marriage away though. It means that he wants to feel more confident. He wants to feel better about himself. He wants to put aside his worries. But these things are very different from wanting to leave your wife or end your marriage.

And no, it is not fair that he tells the other woman otherwise. This is unfair to her and I am sure that it is painful. With this said, if you know that a man is married, then you can’t be all that surprised when it turns out that you are not going to be with this man forever. You must know that he is in the most committed relationship of all. He is married. And most people will ultimately decide to fight for their marriage simply because, by definition, it is the most important and committed relationship of their lives.

That was certainly true in my case.  Although there were days when I wanted nothing to do with my husband, in the end, my commitment was my family and my children.  And that is why my husband  and I fought for our marriage.  And we won.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who regret cheating on their spouse more than they can possibly express. Because they can’t change this and they have to face all of the hurt and pain that they have caused, this can make them feel incredibly badly about themselves.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “I cheated on my husband and never in my life have I regretted something so much. Amazingly, my husband has decided to stand by me. He says he has forgiven me and he blames himself somewhat because he travels so much for his job. Frankly, this makes me sad and it makes me feel worse about the situation. I almost wish he would have been furious with me and he would have made me earn his trust back. But he didn’t. He forgave me right away and he has continued to try to treat me well. Occasionally, some of his frustration will slip out and he will snap at me. But for the most part, he continues to be his kind and loving self and I always end up feeling like I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. This whole process has made me feel like trash. A few of our family and friends know about the affair and I am sure that they are thinking that my husband deserves much better than me. And the sad thing is, I agree with them and I know that they are right.  Every day, I fully realize that my husband could do so much better. Every day, I feel like I am deplorable person. And I am not sure how to start feeling better about myself because my husband has made things somewhat easy for me. Despite the fact that my husband forgives me, I don’t forgive myself. How can I feel better?”

People often assume that an affair only hurts the person who was cheated on or the faithful spouse. But I know first hand that it can hurt both spouses. And I can tell from the correspondence that I often get on my blog that many unfaithful spouses are genuinely remorseful and feel quite horribly about themselves. I haven’t been in this experience myself, but I’ve seen my husband go through it. Below are some suggestions that I have which might help this situation.

Attempt Excellence Every Single Day: In many respects, healing after an affair does take time. In other words, no matter how perfectly the cheating spouse acts, how much remorse they show, and how much rehabilitation takes place, there still needs to be some passage of time in order to establish a new normal. Still, there are things that you can do to help this along. One of those things is to try, every single day, to do right by your spouse and to do right by yourself. That means not constantly looking back. It means asking yourself regularly what you can do to move forward. It’s very tempting to dwell on questions like: “why did I cheat? what type of person betrays their spouse?” Those types of questions tend to keep you stuck. Instead, you want to ask questions like: “what can I do today to make this better? How can I help my spouse heal today? How can I be a blessing to my spouse in this moment?”

When you ask these questions on a daily basis, you propel yourself forward and things begin to get better. You begin to realize that day after day, you are showing integrity. You are being the type of wife that your husband deserves. And you are giving yourself the best version of yourself – which you also deserve.

Help Someone Else Outside Of Your Marriage: I would never tell you to take time away from your marriage. That should be your first priority and where you place the most of your time. However, if you spend every waking moment lamenting what has gone wrong, you can start to define yourself in that way. It can really help to define yourself outside of this. Take a little time for yourself. Volunteer to help someone or something else. This will take your mind off of things and remind you, that deep down, you are still a good person who made an unfortunate mistake. It happens to us all. No one is perfect.

Once You’ve Done All That You Can, Give Yourself Permission To Forgive Yourself: If you know in your heart that you have done everything in your power to be the type of wife that your husband deserves and you are now living your life with honestly, integrity, and grace, then you just have to give yourself permission to let it go. Dwelling on it isn’t help you. It isn’t helping your husband. In fact, it can keep you both stuck. It can delay your progress. It can keep you living in the past. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t sorry for what you did or that what you did is justified (because we know that it isn’t.) But, it does mean that you know that you have done all that you can do. And, moving forward, you know that the best gift that you can give yourself and your husband is to move on in a healthy and positive way. If you are always focusing on the negative and on how much you dislike yourself, then you aren’t going to be able to give your husband, or yourself, the best of yourself.

My own husband had a great deal of difficulty feeling good about himself.  Over time and as he saw that I forgave him, he begin to forgive himself.  He was able to once again see himself as a wonderful father, a good citizen, and a loyal son and friend.  This took time, but it did happen. If it helps, you can read about our process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who feel very conflicting emotions. Although they are very relieved that their husband has ended his affair and recommitted to the marriage, they are very disturbed at his new outlook on life. He seems to have changed. And the changes, at least in the wife’s eyes, aren’t good ones. He may even exhibit thinking that seems a bit out there or delusional.

An example of the type of comment that I might hear in this situation is something like: “I noticed something really odd about my husband before I ever found out about the affair. And the reason for this is that my husband was not acting like himself. Prior to all of this, my husband was a very down to earth, stoic, salt of the earth type of guy. He was solid. He was predictable. Some might have said that he was boring but I don’t really see it that way. I like that he is predictable and that I could always count on him. But when he reached middle age, he started to hate our ‘boring’ lifestyle. He started to want to travel a lot more and he wanted to do things on the spur of the moment. He started complaining about being ‘tied down.’ He would blow off of work and this really bothered people at his office because my husband has always been so responsible. Anyway, this lead up to risky behavior – and eventually an affair. I caught him and I am relatively certain he has ended the affair. He has done everything that I have asked him to do – even going to counseling. But even the counseling isn’t helping with his attitude. I would say that it is almost delusional. My husband is now saying that he’s not going to work for pay for much longer. He says that he wants to take time off to embrace life and to travel and see the world and experience things with passion. We aren’t that old. We are decades away from the age when most people retire. The things that he is saying just aren’t realistic. Our children are older but they are still at home and still in school and they still need for us to be there and to be stable. My husband is talking like he just wants to shed a conventional life style and start doing precisely what he wants. He has said several times that the other woman made him feel ‘alive’ and I’m concerned that he’s never going to come back down to earth. Is this going to pass? I want to be supportive, but he is acting a little silly.”

If this weren’t an article about an affair, many people would read the description of the husband and think that he was having a typical mid life crisis. This is very typical of men (and a decent amount of women) when they get a certain age and take a look at their life and determine that there are some things that they would like to change while they still have the chance. In theory, this is understandable. But some people take it too far – which is when they are vulnerable to having affairs and doing other things that just aren’t typical of them.

Thankfully, many of them do work through this on their own. In time, they come to see that they were taking this to the extreme and that they can still make changes in their lives while still being their responsible and stable selves. Some men, however, need help with this, especially if this goes on for so long or is so extreme that it affects the family’s day to day life. Since this couple was already seeking counseling, the counselor was probably the best candidate to handle this. You might approach her privately and make sure that she is well aware of these issues. She might suggest that your husband see her separately and independently. (And it helps for her to be the one to suggest it.)

In many situations, with time, it becomes obvious to the husband that his wishes are not sustainable and just aren’t realistic. This can be hard for him to admit and to accept. But over time, it often becomes quite obvious and undeniable. You can help by trying to compromise when you can. Perhaps you can make it a point to travel quite regularly to exciting locations that you can both enjoy. That way, he is getting a dose of excitement, but he certainly doesn’t need to quit his job or live off the grid.  It is all about making him feel that his life is changing for the better, while not needing to change so much that it disrupts his family.

Another concern that I have about this is that the husband’s behavior might overshadow the healing that is needed from the affair. Even though this needs your attention, you shouldn’t ignore the fact that your needs, wants, and wishes are important too. The concern would be that the wife’s needs were being overshadowed by the husband’s new attitude.  Always make sure that your own healing is one of your priorities. If it helps, you can read about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who wish that their spouse, partner, or significant other had made progress toward healing after their affair. Although they know that the affair was all their fault and they have vowed to be patient and not to pressure their spouse, it can be a real challenge to be confronted with the pain and disappointment day after day.

To demonstrate what I’m talking about, I might hear a comment like: “I made a horrible mistake and I had an affair with my boss. It was a very short term affair and I told my husband about it the second I broke it off. I begged for his forgiveness. And I promised to do everything in my power to be the kind of wife who would one day make this up to him and to inspire his trust again. I believe that I have done that. For the last year, my entire mission in life was to be the kind of wife that my husband deserves. I left my job. The other man is entirely out of my life and I really want to put this behind us. Our marriage is relatively good, but I always feel like there is twinge of awkwardness and sadness between us now. It’s as if things might never be the same. I’m afraid that I’ve ruined things for good. Sometimes, when I look at my husband, I literally see a changed man. He’s not the confident and happy go lucky man that he used to be. It’s almost as if he occasionally has a haunted look in his eyes. He says that he forgives me and I can tell that he is really trying. But he still seems wounded and hurt. It hurts me to see him like this. When I see this look on my face, I almost find myself wanting to avoid him. It is like he is the walking wounded. Is this ever going to get better? Will he always be hurt by this for the rest of our lives?”

As a spouse who has been cheated on, I can tell you my experience. This is my honest answer. I rarely think back to my husband’s affair at this point. A good deal of time has passed and our marriage today is very strong. So, I really don’t have a reason to dwell on it. If someone writes on my blog and distinctly asks me about some specific experience or feeling, then yes, that can bring it back sometimes and at that moment, there might be a hint of hurt. Just from the memory. But because so much time as gone by and I know that things are completely fine, it passes. There were days in the past when, like this wife says, I felt (and probably looked) like the walking wounded.  But I don’t think that is true today.

So, while I am not sure that the hurt every really completely goes away so that it doesn’t exist at all, I do think that many couples get the point where enough time has passed and enough healing has happened that this becomes a rare occasion. When your marriage has healed and you are happy and fulfilled, then you are more than willing to leave that behind and to get on with your life. You don’t want to look back.  You don’t want to revisit the pain.  So you do everything in your power to maintain the healing that you have accomplished and you look forward.

With all of this said though, I can tell you from experience that your spouse having an affair is a betrayal and a pain like no other. It does wound you. It can change the way that you look at your spouse and your marriage – at least for a while. It whittles away at your self confidence and your belief in what you knew was true. I am not telling you this to make you feel guilty or bad. I am telling you this because I’d like to encourage you to have just a little more patience with your spouse. I know that you hurt and you feel guilty when you see him hurt. I know that you want nothing more than to see him happy and less burdened once again. But, he can’t just deny his feelings or to pretend that he’s not hurt when he really is.

I believe that the best thing that you can do is to continue to be the best spouse that you can and continue to be patient and to support whatever he needs to heal. Because frankly once healing has taken place and is at least somewhat complete, the pain does significantly lessen so that it’s just no longer a part of your daily life. The sequence is typically from deeply hurt to hurt to healing to healed.

I know that you want to take his hurt away.  But just be there, just support him, and just allow the time to pass with him seeing you being trustworthy and loving.  This does matter in the long run.  But it takes time.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who aren’t getting the support that they expected and hoped for after their husband has cheated or had an affair. The expectation is usually that since he was the one who made the choice to cheat, then he must now do everything in his power to help his spouse to heal and to move past this. When this isn’t the reality, and the level of support does not even begin to meet expectations, it can be disappointing.

To that end, I might hear a comment like: “my husband cheated on me with one of our mutual friends. I have been struggling personally ever since. My husband ended the affair and, needless to say, I am no longer friends with the other woman. But, my husband has promised me all along that he is going to help me get through this. He promised to go to counseling. We have been for a couple of months and now he is getting tired of it so he has suggested that I go alone. The affair hurt my self esteem more than I can even explain. So it’s very important to me to improve my appearance. I have been going to a dieting center and gym and it has been working. I have also been getting my hair highlighted every six weeks and I also get a facial. People are telling me that I have never looked better and my self esteem is slowly coming back. The problem is that I no longer feel as if I have my husband’s full support. He has started to complain about how expensive all of this is. Sometimes, when I have my appointments, he will complain that it is taking time away from him. Basically, he never passes up the chance to tell me that all of my self improvement is expensive and potentially a waste of time. He makes me feel as if I am high maintenance when I feel that I have the right to be doing what I am. Is there an expiration date on his support? I feel like he isn’t with me for the long haul. He was only looking for a quick fix and now I’m apparently on my own.”

This is a very common problem. When people get caught cheating, they are often more than willing to make all sorts or promises and vows in order to get their spouse to agree to give them a second chance. But then when they actually have to start going to the counseling and making good on every promise, it starts to weigh on them after awhile. Some comment on my blog and tell me that despite their best efforts to have a good attitude, to be patient, and to show their support, it all starts to get old after a while.

And this really isn’t fair. My experience with counseling wasn’t always perfect, but one thing that the counselor said will always stay with me. My husband asked how long he was going to have to constantly reassure me, constantly answer my questions, and constantly be patient with my swinging mood. The counselor’s brilliant response was “as long as it takes.”

This may not sound all that appealing when you are the spouse who cheated, but it is necessary. So how do you make him see this? Well, you could try to get the counselor to help you stress it’s importance. And, if that isn’t feasible or doesn’t work, then you could try to have an open and honest conversation about this. The next time that he complains about all of the expense and effort, you might try something like: “I realize that it is expensive and extensive, and I’m not really happy that I have to do it either. Unfortunately though, this is necessary in order to fully and wholly recover from the affair. I am taking my healing and my recovery very seriously and I want you to do the same. I don’t want to just have a marriage that is limping along. I want a marriage that is healthy and fulfilling and even better than it was before. And that takes work and effort. I have been putting in that work and effort without complaint and I need for you to do the same. I don’t think that I’m being unreasonable. I need to feel good about myself and to restore my confidence. I still need the help and the insights of the counselor. I know that there will come a day when all of this is no longer necessary, but I am not at that place yet. And I don’t want to stop short before I get to the point where I need to be because that would really be wasting time and money. At this point, I don’t think my healing and my recovery is ever going to be a waste and I am asking for your support.”

Try not to have this conversation in anger. Try to keep your voice level and calm. Don’t call him cheap or unsupportive. Don’t sound critical. Make it sound as if you are trying your best and you need his help in order to be successful. Most spouses who are sincere will eventually see that you are right. They are often testing you a bit to see if they can offer you less. This doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It’s just human nature. And, it’s important that you stand your ground so that you get what you need. No one is going to do that for you except for you.

This was a lesson that I too had to learn.  I’m not an assertive person by nature but I had to learn this.  Standing up for myself made my husband respect me more as well and it has actually helped our marriage. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are now convinced that, after they have cheated and had an affair, there is no hope for their marriage. And, this isn’t because their spouse won’t ever forgive the affair. It’s because they have come to the conclusion that they no longer love their spouse and that their spouse deserves someone who can genuinely love them in the way that they should be loved.

So, I might hear a comment like: “I know that it was wrong to cheat on my husband. I am not proud of what I have done. I am most sorry because of my children. In a perfect world, they should grow up with parents who love one another and who are very much together. I’m sorry to say that this is not going to happen now. I have fallen in love with someone else. When my husband found out about the affair, I really did try to do the right thing. I told my husband that I would end the affair and I did. I tried my best to make it work. But it didn’t stick. Why? Because I don’t love my husband anymore. I honestly wish that I did. But when I look at him, I don’t feel anything. Oh, I feel affection for him because he is a good man and because he is the father of my children. But, I don’t feel passion and lust. I don’t feel true love. I don’t feel like I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I can’t feel these things because I feel them for the other man. My mother is disgusted at my behavior. She says that I am not giving my marriage a fair chance. But what are you supposed to do when the affair has made you realize that you don’t love your spouse anymore?”

I am going to try my best to give a very thoughtful response, but it is a bit difficult for me. As a spouse who has been cheated on, it would be easy for me to feel for and even to side with the husband. I’ve never fallen in love with someone else or cheated on my spouse. But, I have heard from many people in this situation on my blog so I do feel that I have a good handle on what feelings go into this. I have no problems believing that the unfaithful spouse can be in love with the other person. And I know that these feelings can be intense and difficult to ignore.

But I also firmly believe that when you are actively involved in a relationship with someone else, then you are looking at your spouse and at your marriage from a viewpoint that has been affected and distorted by the other relationship. In other words, I’m not sure that you can possibly objectively evaluate your feelings when you are juggling two relationships. You can’t objectively evaluate how you feel now and how you might feel six months or a year from now after you’ve had counseling or the time to rehabilitate your marriage.

Quite frankly, I have no way of knowing if you’ll be able to repair your marriage or restore your feelings for your spouse. But, I do know, without any doubt, that this is possible. I can tell you that neither my husband or I felt very loving toward each other after his affair. There were days when I didn’t care if I ever saw him again. There were days when I would look at him and I wouldn’t feel anything but flat or angry. When I look back at old journal entries from that time period, it’s clear that I didn’t feel anything that resembled love at all.

But the reality today is very different. I love my husband very much and I am confident that he feels the same. Restoring these feelings took work. And it took removing any thing that distracted us from rebuilding and healing. It took us sharing new experiences to write a new history for ourselves even when we weren’t feeling it and didn’t want to.

There were days when this all felt like a waste of time. But obviously, today, I’m glad I put forth the effort. I wouldn’t have wanted to start over again. I have children with my spouse and a shared history and that meant that I owed it to my family to try to rebuild this before I just walked away because of my own beliefs and discomfort.

Can I promise that you’ll fall back in love with your spouse? No, I can’t. And I’m certainly not a therapist, but I’m pretty confident that most would tell you that you won’t have a healthy relationship with the other man until you see the relationship that you already have to the end. You have unfinished business in your marriage right now. Doesn’t it make sense to give yourself and your marriage a chance before you just declare it over? I understand that you don’t feel that you love your husband. But it’s very hard to feel loving feelings under the current circumstances. That generally will only happen once you end the affair and give yourself the time and the resources to see if you can rebuild. I can’t tell you how many people comment on my blog and tell me that they deeply regret leaving their spouse for the affair, although they were sure that they were in love with the other person at the time.

I can’t tell you for sure how you are going to feel in six months.  But I can tell you that ending the affair will at least give you the chance to eventually evaluate your real feelings.  It took me a while to be able to see my husband in an objective light.  It took even longer before I felt loving feelings again.  But the process was more than worth it.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are wondering why the cheating husband is still having sex with his wife while he is actively having an affair. Sometimes, this question comes from the wife herself. And, other times, it comes from the other woman.

So, from the other woman, you might hear a comment like: “when I began having an affair with one of my married co workers, he gave me the distinct impression that his marriage was on its last legs. He would always insinuate that he and his wife weren’t connecting anymore. I got the impression that there wasn’t a great physical relationship between them. He never came out and said this. Nor did he ever promise me that he was getting a divorce. But that was the impression that I got. And we seemed to get along so well, I just assumed that he would eventually leave her for me. Well, the other day, I was standing outside of his office door and I heard him taking to one of his male coworkers who is also a good friend. The coworker asked why he was late for their racquetball game and his reply was: ‘my wife attacked me when I got out of the shower and one thing lead to another.’ He then went on to talk about good sex with his wife. I was shocked and upset. Why would a man who is cheating on his wife and still having an affair still be having sex with her?”

I have to admit that this question makes me feel a bit defensive. As a wife who has been cheated on, I very much resent the implication that there is a problem with the wife when a husband cheats. But I concede that this is what most people believe. And people also tend to believe that when someone has an affair, the marriage is in real trouble and intimacy is non existent. This is not always the case.

In fact, you sometimes find infidelity in happy and steamy marriages. Why? Because the affair doesn’t always have to do with sex. It sometimes has to do with a man’s need to feel good about himself or to exhibit risky or destructive behaviors that stem from some personal issue with which he is struggling.

Another aspect of this that makes me defensive is that when the “other woman” asks this question or gets angry when the husband is still sleeping with this wife. It makes you wonder how in the world she thinks a man who is committed to someone else is going to be completely faithful to her. They are having an affair. They are not married. In fact, he is married to someone else. And married people have sex. To believe otherwise is just being naive or in denial.

On the flip side of the coin, I sometimes hear from the wife who has found out about the affair and who doesn’t understand why she and her husband were having some pretty decent sex during the whole time. She might say something like: “I found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last three months. The great irony of this is that our marriage actually seemed very good to me during this time. Our sex life has been great. I just can’t believe that while things were going so well with me, he was cheating. How is this possible?”

Again, this is based on the assumption that the husband was having the affair as a reaction to something being wrong with his wife or with his marriage. This is just a faulty assumption. Many husbands comment on my blog about how they never stopped loving their wife and how their affair had absolutely nothing to do with their love for and commitment to their wife. Many will outline stressors in their lives – a job loss, a parental difficulty, or some personal fears that were much more of a contributing factor to the affair than the marriage.

He may well have been continuing to sleep with you because he still loved you and was still committed to you, as crazy as that might sound. Many men have no intention whatsoever of ending their marriage when they begin an affair. Their assumption is that nothing is going to change and that it is just a short term band aid for whatever it is that they are going through.

I do realize that it is a common perception that affairs only happen in loveless or sexless marriages, but this isn’t even close to reality. Many good, healthy and steamy marriages deal with affairs where the couple has always enjoyed a healthy sex life (and still is.) And women who are having affairs with married men are usually disappointed if they assume that he’s not still sleeping with his wife because in my experience and observation, he often is.

Regardless of the details surrounding the affair, eventually every one involved is going to have to heal and move on.  If it helps, you can read more about how I did this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with a husband who is swearing that he is still committed to her and to his marriage – despite the fact that he has had an affair. And he is often promising to end the affair (although the wife might have a feeling that he hasn’t truly done this, even if she can’t always find concrete evidence of the same.) Plus, there are times when the husband’s actions are in direct conflict with his words. In other words, his claims might be promising that he is going to fix the marriage and stand by it, while his behaviors are telling you the exact opposite.

So, I might hear from a wife on my blog who says: “my husband cheated on me with a woman who I honestly believe that he has always lusted after. She went to school with us when we were children. Both my husband and I have known her for decades and he has always wanted to be with her. But she was always way out of his league. I have no idea why she suddenly became interested in him. Maybe it’s because he has some money now. Anyway, this woman actually pursued my husband. And of course he gave in. Once I found out about the affair, my husband said he needed time to decide what he wanted to do. This hurt me very badly. I had hoped and assumed that he would choose me. But he didn’t. Not right away. Then, I got unexpectedly ill. And my husband was concerned about me and never left my side. After that period of time, he announced that he was ending the affair because he wanted me and he wanted our marriage. I so badly wanted to believe him, but I did have concerns because I know how much he’s always wanted the other woman. Well, the other day, I saw her at the grocery store and she gave me a little smirk that said she knew something that I didn’t. That’s when I started to watch my husband more closely. And I found that he’s still been texting and emailing her. I even found that he sent her flowers and the card said ‘even though things aren’t the way they were, I’m still thinking about you.’ I asked my husband about this. And he reassured me that he wants our marriage, but he says that I need to give him time to let it go. I think that he still wants her. And I think he will eventually find a way to have her. Is there anything that I can do about this?”

I can certainly tell you my opinion on this. But I want to stress beyond any doubt that this is only one person’s opinion. And frankly, it is a biased one. As a wife who has been cheated on, I am always going to see things from the side of the faithful spouse. Also, my opinion really doesn’t matter all that much. What matters is how you feel and what you want. But here is my take on it.

As much as we might wish that our spouses could control their feelings and thoughts about the other person, they do not have control over what pops into their mind and into their heart. And, it’s very common for them to still think about the other person when the affair ended very recently. But, they absolutely can control how they respond to these feelings and thoughts. They have a choice as to how they carry out these responses. They don’t need to act on their emotions. When they have these feelings and struggling, the thing that they need to do is to place their focus on their marriage. Because, the more they do that, the faster the feelings are going to fade.

You can’t really be sure that your husband still wants the other woman. You can’t read his mind. He may be trying to get closure. But what you do know is that he is still reaching out to her and that is inappropriate. It’s going to make it very difficult to save your marriage when you’re always having to worry about whether he is pursuing her. So, it can help to just put this on the table so he is aware of what you know and of what you will and will not accept.

You may try something like: “I saw some texts and emails that you sent to her. I also know that you brought her flowers. I know that you’ve said that you want our marriage, but your actions right now are going to make that awfully difficult. I need to be very clear about this. I can’t accept you still having contact with her. It hurts me. It makes me worry. It makes me question your commitment to me. If you truly do want to save our marriage, then you need to make a choice. You have to cut off all contact with her. That means not calling or texting or sending gifts. And that means not seeing, talking to her, or communicating with her in any way. You keep telling me that you want this marriage. But now I need to see you say this with your actions as well as with your words.”

Then, you may have to just wait and watch. Hopefully, he will make good on his claims. If not, counseling may be a good idea. Sometimes, he will listen to a third party more effectively than he will listen to you. No matter how you chose to approach this, I believe that you deserve to ask that you come first.  If he is married to you and says his commitment is with you, then his actions should follow along with these claims.  Sometimes, you will have to be very clear about your expectations.  If it helps, you can read more about how I did this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting a lot of backlash from the people who they love for taking back a cheating husband. This is a very difficult situation. Because a wife will generally have her own doubts and worries in this scenario, but having to deal with the anger and judgment of people that you really care about can make a bad situation even worse, especially when the people that you would love to have supporting you are doing just the opposite.

If I were to hear these thoughts expressed, it would sound something like: “after my husband’s affair, I went to a support group. This was a group made up of a women who were separated or struggling with their marriages. Needless to say, many of us in the group were dealing with infidelity. It really helped me to be around women who were going through the same thing that I was. I became very good friends with a handful of women. All of us had husbands who had cheated on us. Some of the women had already gotten a divorce. Others were separated. But all of them were furious with their husbands and had no intentions of saving their marriages. I didn’t have that intention either until very recently. I honestly thought that I would never have anything to do with my husband again unless it pertained to our children. Well, my daughter was graduating from her middle school and they had a ceremony. I invited my husband to have dinner with us. The next morning, a group of parents were going to the beach. My daughter invited my husband without asking me. I decided to be a good sport and let him stay the night so he wouldn’t have to drive all the way home and come all the way back in the morning for the trip. We ended up talking all night. Since that time, we have repeated the process. We have had the best talks and some of the best outings. I am not one hundred percent positive that I am going to take him back. But I no longer think that this is out of the question. However, when my friends found out about this, they were very chilly. All of them were disappointed and I can tell that they feel like I no longer fit in with the group. Some of them aren’t returning my calls. It feels awful to feel as if I’m hated for taking back my husband. What can or should I do about this?”

I know that this is tough. It can feel as if you have to chose between your husband and the support system that got you through some very hard times. I’ve also seen the husband be very against the wife maintaining these friendships once he learns the common denominator that all of these women share. So, you’ll often feel like you’re being pulled in different directions when all you want are both sets of loved ones to support you. I don’t think there’s a perfect solution here, but I do see direct and open communication helping quite a bit.

Friends Shouldn’t Require Conditions: I honestly do understand why these women would feel a little awkward right now. After all, a major part of their bond was lamenting their cheating husbands. Now that this may be gone, at least for one member, it can make things a bit strained. However, real friends don’t turn on their own when that same friend changes their mind or goes another way. Sure, you won’t have the husband bashing in common with them anymore, But, if they are truly your friends, they will accept you. And they will want for the best for you. If reconciling with your husband makes you happy, then real friends would be happy for you.

Bringing This Out In The Open: If these women mean as much to you as it sounds like, then isn’t it worth a try to have a direct and open conversation in order to at least try to salvage the relationship? The next time you see or speak with them, you might just try something like: “I know that the fact that my husband might be back in my life makes things a little awkward between us. But I consider all of you my friends outside of the infidelity issue. I believe that this isn’t the only thing that unites us. I enjoy being with you and I don’t want for you to feel like you can’t talk openly in front of me. I’d like to focus on other aspects of our friendship. I have to think that there is more to our friendship than our husbands or our marriages. I hope that you will consider this. I value our friendship and I don’t want to lose it.”

Don’t Assume The Worst: One thing about this wife’s statement bothered me. She automatically assumed that these women hated her. That was probably not completely true. Sure, this might have made the situation awkward and the women may have been disappointed. But hatred? Unless these women were petty and cruel, I can’t imagine that they would hate this wife. And if that is how they were truly acting, who needs friends like these? I think that the truth was probably something different.  They may have been disappointed, but with a little communication, they may come around if they are true friends.

I understand how this friends.  Some family members didn’t support me when I was trying to save my marriage after infidelity. But once they saw that I was able to do this in a healthy way that strengthened me, they eventually came around.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have been contacted by the woman with whom their husband has cheated. Often, this is not a welcome communication. It is often unexpected and, at least some of the time, the wife is tempted to just hang up or walk away to end the conversation. But there can be times when something stops her from doing this. Maybe she just wants to hear what the other woman has to say. Or to hear her side of the story. And once she does, she isn’t sure if she should listen to or believe what the other woman has to say – especially if the other woman insinuates that she was only being used.

An example of the type of comment that I might hear is something like: “the other day, my cell phone rang and I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. It was the other woman who had been cheating with my husband. The affair is over. And apparently the other woman is not very happy with this. She described my husband as a liar who ultimately only used her. She said that he was all romantic in the beginning and tried to make her feel like she was special and important to him. She admitted that they never talked about where the relationship was going, but she assumed that it was going to be a long term relationship because she says that he was so loving to her. She says that he invested in the relationship and listened to her and bought her gifts. She assumed that things would just continue to go on the same way indefinitely. So, she was shocked when I found out about the affair and my husband chose me over her and ended the affair. My husband told her that they weren’t going to have any additional contact with one another and I believe that she is very frustrated by this. She said my husband only used her for sex and that I should be aware what a jerk he is. I am torn about this. I obviously don’t think his behavior was admirable. No woman wants to feel used. At the same time, I’m glad he’s drawn the line with her. I don’t want her in our lives. How should I even process this? Should I take this conversation into account when I’m considering whether or not I want to save my marriage?”

This is only my opinion, but my answer to this question is – not really. Your concern should be how your husband treats you, not her. First of all, you don’t have any idea if she is telling you the truth. She has her own motivations and her own agenda. Of course she is going to try to paint herself as the innocent party and your husband as the villain. I am sure that he will have his own version of the story (that is in part influenced by his own motivations.) Of course, he wants to save the marriage while the other woman might want to end it. So, both are going to slant what they say because of these objectives.

And, frankly, who cares what she thinks? I know that you don’t want to see anyone hurt. But, right now, your main priority has got to be yourself. Sure, this probably isn’t your husband’s proudest moment. It is not an example of his finest behavior, but an affair never is. Whether he used her or not probably isn’t the biggest issue that you are facing right now. In all honestly, you may have bigger fish to fry. And when you place your concern on her, then you continue to give her a place in your recovery, and this is a place where she has no business being.

It’s probably not a big revelation that your husband didn’t always tell her the complete truth, if what she says is true. By it’s very definition, an affair is not the most honest and upstanding relationship. He has lied to both of you. But your may concern should be the lies that he tells to you. You can’t concern yourself with their relationship. Especially because it is over and should remain so.

It’s very common for the other woman to feel used when all is said and done. Because she’s not getting anything out of the relationship except for memories. When it’s over, she left with the realization that you and your husband will go on and pick up the pieces while she has no pieces to pick up. This can seem very unfair. And honestly, you can’t blame her for being upset.  She has feelings too. But, she had to know that this was a risk when she started a relationship with a married man. Many women assume or hope that the man will one day leave his wife. And when this doesn’t happen, she can be angry at the man, or the wife, but she isn’t always angry at herself.

This dynamic isn’t your fault and it isn’t necessarily your problem. Sure, it’s not fun to hear. But again, who know how truthful she is being. And, an affair brings up unpleasant things on all sides. Right now, your main concern should be how your husband is treating you and if he is telling you the truth. That relationship is in the past, where it should stay.  Frankly, I believe that you should focus on your own healing and leave this aftermath behind as soon as is possible.  Sure, you are your husband will have plenty of hard work to do, but there’s no need to complicate things by allowing her to still be in your life. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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