Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Often, I hear reverse psychology discussed by the person who has cheated or had an affair. They will sometimes pretend to be indignant or justified in their actions in the hopes that the faithful spouse will follow along and not make a big deal about the affair. Needless to say, this approach often backfires. Faithful spouses often want to see remorse because it shows that the cheating spouse understands his mistake. The hope is that if the cheater understands the pain he has caused, he will be less likely to cheat again. So refusing to show remorse via reverse psychology can be a bad idea.

However, faithful spouses sometimes also consider using reverse psychology to get the remorse that they need and want to see. Here is an example: Someone might say, “I can’t seem to get control of the anger that I feel toward my cheating spouse. I constantly belittle and insult him because I now believe that he is a low-quality human being. He lied. He cheated. And now he’s trying to pretend that this was mostly my fault and that he was justified in this. No matter what I say or do, he refuses to humble himself by offering an apology or discussing how we are going to get out of this mess. He will claim that he doesn’t want a divorce, but then he will do or say absolutely nothing to back this up. It’s as if he just expects the aftermath of the affair to all magically go away or he expects me to just forget about what he did. One of our mutual friends has suggested that I use reverse psychology on him. She suggests that if I am pleasant to him, it makes it impossible for him to make me the villain. She says that this would take away the ammunition that he is using against me. She believes that by treating him badly, I am just giving him reasons to feel justified in cheating. Is she right? How does reverse psychology work?”

What Might Be A Better Alternative: Your friend may definitely have a point. However, I can tell you from experience that it can be difficult to pretend that all is well when everyone knows that it isn’t. So, sometimes, your spouse will know what you are doing the second you try to use reverse psychology on him and then he’ll just accuse you of playing games on top of everything else.

I believe that there is a better way. And that is to be genuine but to try to tone it down when you need to. Extreme anger over a long period of time hurts you as much as it hurts him. It can be very hard to keep this up and so you find yourself always looking at what is wrong instead of what is right. Needless to say, maintaining this type of intensity is exhausting and it brings down everyone involved.

Examples Of Toning It Down: In my own case, I was honest about my anger and my disappointment, but I was also open about my uncertainty concerning what I wanted to happen with my marriage. I didn’t pretend that I was going to leave my husband immediately. I was transparent about the fact that I was conflicted because of what a divorce would do to our family. But if I felt particularly angry one day, I didn’t try to deny it. However, I would try to keep to myself for part of the day because I didn’t want to make things worse. I didn’t feel this was a dishonest use of reverse psychology. I was just trying to limit the amount of negativity I was shoveling onto an already volatile situation.

At the same time, if issues kept coming up over and over, I would mention them because I wanted to give my husband (and my therapist at the time) the opportunity to address them. But I didn’t use the anger as a weapon and I was sincerely trying to address it so that I could eventually remove it.

The Real Difference: I hope that the distinction is clear. Some people completely lie when they attempt to use reverse psychology. They will pretend that they are fine when they aren’t. They will deny their anger or their struggles when both are present. They’ll put on a happy face that isn’t genuine. I don’t think that this type of deception is beneficial or healthy. You will eventually resent having to pretend. And, instead of feeling remorse, your husband might be lured into thinking that things are better than they actually are, which doesn’t improve the situation.

Do Not Create A Hopeless Atmosphere: Instead of focusing on doom and gloom, you want to try to take an objective view of what is going on with you and with your marriage. You have a right to your anger and disappointment and there’s no reason to pretend that these things don’t exist. But if all you are expressing are negative things, then the atmosphere becomes bleak and hopeless very fast. This is not a scenario that encourages anyone to want to save your marriage. Even if your husband truly wants to make this right, he may eventually get discouraged when he begins to feel that no matter what he does or says, he is always going to be met with hostility.

That is why it can be important to try to balance your anger with seeking help. In order to one day save your marriage, both spouses need hope that things can eventually get better. When you are consciously trying to be both honest but also healthy, you at least send the message that you are not a vengeful person and are trying to work through your anger for the benefit of everyone involved. It will be difficult for your husband to pretend to be justified in cheating on a wife who is reasonable.

I know that this can be a difficult standard to meet when you are so upset, but ask yourself if your anger is serving you or just continuing to cause you pain. The end plan should be to acknowledge the anger, to feel it, but to ultimately work through your issues so that you can let it go. This is not reverse psychology but is instead a healthy balance.  You can read more about how I got my husband to feel genuine remorse on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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