Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people will tell you that cheating on their spouse is the worst mistake of their life. Most of them would do anything to take it back. But of course, they cannot. Unfortunately, what is done is done. And they must deal with all of the damage that follows right along behind it. 

And as bad as that reality is, it can get worse. Sometimes, the person who is cheating begins to feel that this mistake is going to not only follow them around for the rest of their lives, but it is also going to ruin their life. 

Someone might say, “I wish I had a decent excuse as to why I cheated on my spouse, but I truly do not. I screwed up. I had no impulse control. I was not thinking. I just acted. And immediately, I knew it was a mistake, and I knew I should stop, but I did not. I felt so weird about it, that I just wanted to get it over with. To my credit, I told my spouse right away that it was only a one-time thing. That doesn’t matter. I get no extra points for that. My spouse doesn’t care that I acted honorably after the fact. She cares about the fact that I betrayed her. She looks at me with disgust now. She told family and mutual friends. Everyone knows what I’ve done, and everyone looks at me differently. I feel differently about myself. I think less of myself. My spouse has checked out of our marriage, and I feel sure she will divorce me. And I will likely be alienated from my children, and my financial situation will deteriorate. I realize that I brought this all on myself, but my whole life has changed because of this. I have ruined my own life, and I feel it will never change. How do I make this right and change this?”

It might seem weird that I, someone who has dealt with a cheating spouse and eventually fought to recover myself and my marriage, would be sympathetic to this, but I actually am. I don’t believe that someone’s worst day should always dictate the rest of their life. But at the same time, I defend the faithful spouse’s right to proceed how she sees fit. She’s been dealt a horrible blow, and it is her right to decide what is in her best interest moving forward.

That said, I’ve seen many couples – including myself – go through this, and things rarely end up as dire as they seem to be in the beginning. Yes, some couples do divorce. And yes, sometimes there are financial consequences. However, you have the chance in the future to have some input on the outcome, as follows:

You Have the Opportunity to Have Integrity From Here on Out:  Yes, you made a mistake. But you can make it so that you never repeat it. You can put one foot in front of the other and act honorably in every interaction going forward. You can deal with your spouse with patience and understanding. And you can give yourself the same courtesy. 

If you need to seek counseling to heal the way you feel about yourself, please do. It’s never good to go through life hating yourself. Doing so will negatively affect every relationship you have. Try your best to find a way to love and support yourself again as quickly as possible.

Know that as You Act Honorably Day After Day, Many People Will Come Around:  I purposely didn’t tell many people about my husband’s infidelity. But some of the people I did tell were furious with him for quite some time. My husband did what I needed to help me heal, and acted honorably day after day, week after week, and month after month. Eventually, the people who had made harsh judgments about him came around and saw that he had at least partially redeemed himself.

I can’t promise you that your spouse will be one of the people who comes around, but some people likely will. 

Prioritize Your Healing:  As a faithful spouse, I can’t tell you how much I advocate prioritizing the faithful spouse’s healing. That’s incredibly important, and I advocate doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Because the damage from having your spouse cheat on you is deep.

But believe it or not, I always advocate the cheating spouse prioritizing themselves and their well-being as well. Because two healing people make a better outcome. 

Being the guilty party in the affair can feel as if you are constantly being beaten up. It can feel as if you will never be able to do anything right. You can feel like the worst type of person. And self-hatred is a real possibility. 

Allow yourself to remember the good things about yourself and how you’re trying to make the best of it now. 

Know That This is a Long Game:  Your spouse may seem to not want you around right now. She may bristle at the sight of you. I can’t promise you that will change any time soon. But I can tell you that it can change in some cases. 

 The way I felt about my husband initially and the way I feel about him now is night and day. My anger took over my entire life then and I’m no longer angry today. The affair consumed me initially, and I don’t think about it constantly now.

Things change. But you may have to wait it out. You will have to be patient and know that you may need to wait weeks or months. You may just need to keep showing up even when it seems like there isn’t much progress.

Because one day – there might be – if you do not give up. Admittedly, your relationship with your wife has changed. It may recover. It may not. But that doesn’t mean that your life is not redeemable. Do the right thing, keep going, and prioritize healing for everyone involved. And you never know. Things might look very different, and much better, eventually. 

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I healed to see that it is indeed possible, at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

 

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