Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

If you were to ask wives to name their biggest fear after their husband’s affair, I would venture to say that the vast majority of them would say repeat cheating.  This is certainly what I would have said.  Most of us live in abject fear of the cheating repeating itself. Because we do all of this work on ourselves and on our marriage. We get to the point where we know that we really need to trust our husband again in order for our marriage to fully recover and to thrive. But it’s very hard to do this. Because in the back of our minds, we are worried that we are naive to trust because he may just cheat again one day. This can be especially true if we were caught off guard by the affair. So, in an attempt to counter this, some women will ponder placing safeguards in place or to sabotage his ability to cheat again.

For example, someone might say, “my husband and I have been trying to recover from his affair for about five months. For two of those months, he did not live in our home because I did not want him here. For the last three months, we have been living together, but sometimes it feels as if we are on shaky ground. He claims that he will never cheat again and that he has learned his lesson. He claims that he wants to save our marriage and that he wants to live the rest of his life with me. I want to believe this, but he was such a skilled liar when he was carrying out the affair, that I have my doubts. Because of this, I want to put safeguards in place so that he will have trouble cheating again. For example, I want to find a way to be notified if he opens accounts for dating websites again. I want to cancel the credit cards that he used for these types of things in the past. I want to cancel his gym membership. And there are a couple of women friends who I feel he is more likely to cheat with than other people and I want to tell these women exactly who my husband is so they will just stay away from him. I have also considered telling other mutual friends so that they will help me keep an eye on him. I figure if I do all of these things, it will decrease the chances that he will cheat again. I know that these things seem drastic, but I would really struggle if he cheated and again and perhaps these safeguards are a small price to pay in order for me to have a little more peace of mind. Some of my friends say that I should not stoop to these levels. Are they right? Is it a good or bad idea to try to sabotage your husband’s ability to have another affair?”

Why Trust May Be More Important Than Sabotage: I completely understand why you would want to do this. But, from my own experience, I also have a theory as to why this probably would backfire and not work well. I can tell you that the one thing that is always going to be a big issue moving forward is trust. You have to eventually have it or the affair is ALWAYS going to be that thing that you stumble over in your marriage. It is always going to get in the way of the happy, rebounded marriage that you desperately want. It is unrealistic to think that your husband is never going to find out about the ways that you have (understandably) tried to sabotage him. This could create resentment and more conflict than you already have.  Also, in my experience, if someone truly wants to cheat, they will find  a way regardless of your trying to sabotage them.

What your lack of trust should be telling you (and your husband) is not that you need to try to thwart one another, but that you have more in front of you in terms of recovery. You simply have more work to do and that is perfectly fine and normal. You’re clearly not ready to trust your husband yet and I do not blame you. This just takes time. I would encourage you to seek out counseling or self help in order to get you closer to that goal.

Why Temptations of Sabotage May Eventually Fade: When I got really close to the end of our recovery, I got to a point where I no longer wished to focus on aspects of the affair. Early in the process, I most definitely had thoughts like you are having – about ways I could “guarantee” that my husband wouldn’t ever cheat again. No one could blame me for this because I’d been burned so badly.

However, once our very lengthy and hard-fought recovery was complete, I was able to let these things go. Sure, I would take note if my husband started acting suspicious tomorrow, but as long as everything is running smoothly, I no longer go out of my way to see what is wrong, since time has proven to me that nothing is wrong.

It can take a while to get to this place. But it is worth the hard work and patience. And I personally would not risk my ability to get there by trying to sabotage my husband. If you still don’t trust him, then you are better off addressing WHY and then trying to fix it. Because ultimately, we all want a marriage where we don’t have to try to outthink our spouse or stay one step ahead of them.  If that is the kind of marriage you rebuild, then you will never be at peace. We want an equal, trusting marriage where we both participate openly and fully. You can’t do this if you are pulling strings behind the scenes. So instead of sabotaging, use your feelings of unease as a clue that you both still have work to do and get to the business of doing it. Ask yourself why you don’t trust and then be honest with him and ask him to make the necessary changes so that one day, you can trust. This is a much more efficient, (and honest) strategy than trying to sabotage him.

I know that I am asking you to take the high road.  But I am doing so because I want for you to eventually feel peace.  Constant game playing and sabotage actually ensure that you have to remain constantly vigilant so that you can never let down your guard.  It can seem harder to do the work that allows you to release the vigilance, but it feels so much better in the end.  You can read about how I was finally able to do this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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