Should A Wife Play Hard To Get After My Husband’s Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how they should be acting after they have discovered their husband’s affair. Often, they take some time to determine what they ultimately want to happen. And when they decide that they might want to save their marriage, they still want to do it in such a way that their husband doesn’t get off too easily. Because they want for him to be remorseful and they want for him to have to sweat a little bit. But they don’t want to take it so far that it may push him away or damage a marriage that might already be struggling.
I heard from a wife who said: “although I’m so hurt and disappointment by my husband’s affair, I am not going to give up on him or on our marriage. However, I’m not sure that I want for him to know this. I have noticed that when I act indecisive, he goes out of his way to be accommodating and affectionate, but when I start talking about our future as though I’m confident we will be together, then he isn’t nearly as loving. I was discussing this with my friend and I’ve told her that I’m going to play hard to get. What I mean by this is that I’m going to make my husband wonder what I’m going to do. I don’t want for him to take it for granted that I’m going to give him a second chance. I want for him to think that he has to be on his best behavior and to try harder. And, I think that if he believes that I might leave, he will value me more. But my friend says that this is playing games and that it would be a mistake. I don’t see the problem. Who is right? Should I play hard to get after my husband’s affair?”
Both Of You May Wonder If He Will Be Able To Meet Your Expectations: Honestly, I think that it can be beneficial to spell out what type of rehabilitation you want to see from your husband and then withhold your trust and commitment until you see it. And, your husband can certainly wonder if he is going to live up to your expectations. However, I think it can be a mistake to “act” in a way that you don’t really feel or to give off the impression that you are going to do one thing when you are absolutely sure that you are going to do another.
The Future Can Be A Mystery To Both Parties Regardless Of What You Think Today: I know from experience that what you intend to happen and what actually does happen can be two different things. Feelings progress. New information can come into play and it’s perfectly natural to change your mind multiple times. So while you might think that you will save your marriage, it’s probably better to tell yourself that you will wait and see what happens. Because the truth is that you don’t know how well he is going to comply with your requests and you don’t know how either of you are going to feel in the days to come.
So I think that it is better for both of you if you are clear on what you want and need and then to keep things open ended after that. A suggested script might be something like this: “honestly, I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. But, for today, I need to know that you are truly sorry and that I am important enough to you that you are willing to make some serious changes. In order for me to trust you again someday, I will need for us to do some serious work on our marriage. This will probably happen gradually. But I need to see some effort from you to show me that you are serious about rehabilitation. I need for you to check in with me, to show me affection, and to go to counseling if that is what I decide that I want. And once we begin to see what type of progress these things bring, then we can go from there.”
I don’t think that this conversation means that you are playing hard to get. But it does mean that you are being very clear about the fact that you have expectations that need to be met before you can make any firm commitment. This is only fair. And no one can accuse you of playing games if you are just being honest.
I suppose some people think that I played hard to get after my husband’s affair. But I was simply waiting to see if his actions would prove his sincerity. And that process just took time. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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