Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are afraid of showing their spouses how they truly feel about the affair. Often, they are so angry that their strong reaction alarms them. Also, they often notice that when just a touch of their anger starts to seep out, their spouse retreats from them or becomes defensive. So they can start to suspect or worry that their anger only makes a bad situation worse. Still, they feel that they have a right to their anger and they don’t want to deny or lie about their feelings.

Common comments are things like: “is it a good idea to be honest about the totality of your anger after your spouse’s affair? Words can not express how mad I am at my husband. I have never been so furious in my life. Most of the time, I hold back on this, especially when my children are around. But sometimes, I just can’t help it. And sometimes, I feel a little bit better when I let it all out. But I notice that when I do, my husband pushes back. And so we end up fighting and losing any gains that we have made. At this point, I am not sure what I want to do about my marriage. If I end up leaving him, then I don’t care if he knows how angry I am. But part of me wants to entertain the idea that we might one day salvage our marriage because of our children. And I worry that if I let him know how angry I really am, that might scare him away or cause him to get defensive. At the same time, I feel like downplaying my anger is almost like lying. And after being cheated on, honesty is so important to me. Should I let him see the truth about my anger? Or should I try to release it in another way?”

These are tough questions. As a wife who has been cheated on, I understand your anger and I believe that you have a right to it. And I think that denying it isn’t honoring yourself. At the same time, I also know how misdirected anger can hurt a marriage that is already greatly struggling. It can also make your spouse wonder if it is ever going to be possible for you to look at him without anger ever again. And, since you don’t know what you want to do about your marriage in the future, it makes sense to try to set it up so that you don’t close any options. In the following article, I will tell you what I think is the best compromise in this situation.

Don’t Deny Your Anger But Don’t Allow It To Get In The Way Of Your Healing: I don’t think that you should lie about your anger or deny it’s existence. However, I think that they are healthy and non healthy ways to unleash it. Ideally, a good counselor can help to facilitate this in a safer and more productive way. But, if one or both of the spouses are resistant to this, then you can set aside certain times to speak candidly. I found setting specific times to discuss certain painful issues to be very helpful. Because once you do this, both you and your spouse will know that there is no need to continuously rehash the same painful issues. When you set aside time to discuss these things, then you both know that you will have your turn and you both know that you will be heard, but you don’t feel the need to continuously bring forth the hurtful topics so that it limits your progress and your healing.

Understand that if you place your sole focus on letting your spouse know how angry you are or if your anger consumes you so that you can focus on nothing else, this will and does impede your healing. The end goal is always to heal and to move past this, even if you ultimately chose to do this without your spouse. In order to begin to move on, you will need to release your anger. But I feel it’s best to release it in the most constructive way possible. Anger for the sake of it or anger that is just meant to hurt or punish really doesn’t do anyone any good at all. It keeps you stuck and it keeps the anger churning so that you get more of the same rather than getting relief.

Yes, you should feel free to be honest with your spouse. He must know the depths of your pain and your anger. But try to release it in a constructive way. Try to limit it to agreed upon times. And try to release it in such a way that you do not lose control of your intention. Because your intention really should be honesty, disclosure, and healing. If you are releasing the anger and you get the sense that you are just unloading and that nothing is getting accomplished, then stop and regroup. It’s important that you don’t define yourself by the anger and that your marriage isn’t defined by the anger.

Of course you have the right to be angry and to express the same. But I know first hand that it’s very easy to just unleash and to be unable to stop. Don’t beat yourself up too much if this happens, but vow to do better the next time by limiting it to the set times. If you feel the need to release it before then, then journal your heart out and don’t hold back. I have some journal entries that are literally seething and it felt so good to write them at the time. But by writing them, I kept myself from losing control with my husband in front of my kids, which never did any of us any good anyway.

Believe me, my husband knew how angry I was and I didn’t need to keep repeating it because doing so only increased my anger and made me feel more like a victim. I mostly wanted to try to move forward rather than staying stuck in the negative emotions. And it’s very easy for this to happen if you allow the anger to take over.

I hope that you are free to feel whatever you are feeling.  But if you find the emotions getting in the way of healing, try journaling or limiting these discussions to set times.  Both of these things helped me immensely.  If you’d like, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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