Should I Contact My Husband’s Work After His Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who wonder what their responsibility is when it comes to a work place affair. In these types of situations, the company may have guidelines that concern work place relationships. The faithful spouse is often quite understandably angry and hurt and this can motivate them to consider reporting the affair to the cheating spouse’s work.
Common comments are things like: “I found out last week that my husband has been cheating on me with one of his female colleagues. At this point, he says that he is unsure if he’s going to be willing to let her go, although he’s claiming to love me also. This doesn’t fly with me. Part of me wants for him to pay for his actions. I know that his company would not be happy with him or his female colleague if they knew about their relationship. And there have been times when I have considered calling the company and reporting their relationship so that perhaps they will both get reprimanded or even fired. But a couple of my friends who I confided in told me that this is probably not the best idea. The only thing that is keeping me from picking up the phone right now and following through is the thought that perhaps one day I might want to reconcile with my husband. And I know that if I take this step, then a reconciliation might not even be possible. But part of me doesn’t even care. What should I do?”
Before I tell you what is only my opinion, I have to tell you that I’m not an attorney. I didn’t know if either of these folks was in a supervisory position over the other at their jobs. It was clear though that they were both consenting adults. It was also clear that they had both willingly entered the relationship. I do know that there are employment laws that vary by state. I can’t and am not giving legal advice concerning this but I would suggest seeing an attorney if you have concerns about any legalities. I’m also not a mental health professional or marriage counselor. My opinions on this are based on my own life experiences and research.
And I have to be honest and say that my opinion on this is that reaching out to the company or the husband’s boss would not be my highest priority. Here are just some of the reasons why. The wife couldn’t be certain if the company already knew about the relationship. If they didn’t already know, then it was certainly quite possible that they would soon find out. And yes, this disclosure may well have affected her ability to eventually reconcile if she choose to go that way eventually. But I think the biggest issue for me is that I believe that your biggest priority during this time should be yourself.
I also believe that this is why you shouldn’t seek out the other woman, her husband, her job, or her friends. I know that many people disagree with me on this, but my feeling has always been that immediately after an affair, you have more than enough to worry about without needing to create more drama, more tension, and more issues for you to worry about. My feeling has always been to let the other woman worry about herself and the mess that she has created while you hunker down and work on what should be your biggest priority – yourself and your own family.
Finally, many people assume that the organization or the person who they are reporting the affair to is going to welcome this information and thank them for providing it. This isn’t always the case. Sometimes, you will be met with hostility or at least indifference. That’s why I think it’s best for you to focus on yourself and let the rest work itself out.
Now, nothing says that you can’t strongly urge your husband to do the right thing. You could even draw his attention to any concerns that you have regarding the rules or the culture of his workplace, not to mention any moral obligation that he should have. But I personally don’t think that it was in the wife’s best interest to place herself into her husband’s work situation. I know that some people will disagree with me but that’s my opinion. I think that you are often better off focusing your time and attention on yourself and on your own healing. Because often, the universe will make sure that justness and fairness are given out in the end.
Believe me when I say that I understand the need for revenge. But I feel that there are better ways to focus your time and energy. Your first priority should be yourself. Placing your focus on justice or revenge will often just take your focus away from where it should be. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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