Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are really itching to contact the woman with whom their husband cheated or had an affair. Some know that other woman – even if she is only an occasional acquaintance – and others are strangers to her. But most can figure out how to contact her. And some want to actually speak with or write her a letter in the hopes that it will bring them closure and allow them to move on.

I might hear a comment like: “for the past three months, my husband and I have been trying to begin the healing process after his affair. Very slowly, I feel that we are beginning to make some progress. However, I am still very bothered about thoughts of the other woman. She works with my husband. I have seen her, but I do not know her personally. My son plays baseball with her son also so I also occasionally see her at the ball park. At first, I didn’t want to have anything to do with her. But lately, I have begun to entertain the idea of talking to her, or at least writing her a letter. I want her to have to look me in the eye and tell me just why she thought it was OK to cheat with another woman’s husband. And I want to know what my husband said about me and about our marriage. I want her side of the story. And I want for her to see that I am a real, breathing person with real feelings. I could easily wait outside of her office at the end of the day or I could approach her at the ball park. And if I lost my nerve with that, I could always send her an email or a letter. But I really want to look her in the eye. I am starting to believe that I need to contact her in order to get closure, but my best friend says that no good can come from opening this particular can of worms. Is she right? I feel like if I don’t contact her, then I will never be able to stop thinking about her.”

Why Contacting Her Often Gives You The Opposite Of Closure: Before I tell you my very honest opinion, I will tell you that not every one is going to agree with what I’m going to say. Some have called my stance the coward’s way out. But let me tell you why I have the stance that I do. Many people have approached me or written about this very topic. I always discourage them from contacting the other woman for reasons that I will outline below. Of course, some will still go forward and contact her anyway.  I can honestly say that very few come back and say that it went well. The vast majority and come back and say that it was a big mistake because they are more angry than they have ever been during the entire process. And many find themselves thinking about the other woman EVEN MORE than ever. When the goal is to get closure, I have to tell you that contacting her usually gives you anything but closure. And the reason for this is that she will often tell you things that (whether they are true or not) are upsetting. Sometimes, she wants to hurt you. And other times, she really isn’t trying to hurt you, but she is trying to paint herself in the best possible light and so she will make the husband out to be the aggressor.

Many wives envision this meeting with the other woman as a calm meeting in which she is apologetic and she promises that she will stay away. This so rarely happens. She will sometimes feel the need to explain herself and will get somewhat defensive because of this. And even if she doesn’t mean to, she might lash out and say hurtful things or give you mental images that might never come out of your head. And frankly, so many wives tell me that they replay the meeting with her over and over in their mind. If the whole idea is to move on, do you really need even more things to run through your head and ruminate over?

Alternatives To A Face-To-Face Confrontation: Here is my suggestion. Write a letter. Get everything out. Say everything that you want to say to her and then some. And then leave the letter for a week or so. See if just writing the letter helps to release your emotions. My ultimate suggestion is to burn the letter. Many therapists recommend this for closure in all kinds of situations.

If you absolutely feel as if you must have a say, then I highly recommend that you set it up so that the dialog isn’t endless. Send an email or letter so that you have the last word. If you must look her in the eye, say something incredibly brief and walk away. But honestly, this is not ideal. I have never, not once, gotten an email that said “confronting the other woman was the best thing I ever did. Because I looked her in the eye, I never think of her anymore. I am totally able to put her out of my mind now.”

Instead, I get things like: “what a piece of work that woman is. All she could do was tell me how I should have kept my husband satisfied. And then she had the audacity to tell me that she could get my husband back if she wanted and that she could end my marriage on a whim. She said my husband is only with me because of our kids. I was so angry I couldn’t even form a sentence. And I am still so livid. And now I’m thinking about all of the things that I should have said but was too stunned and upset to say. She’s even sent me a couple of sarcastic emails. What a mistake to let that crazy person into my life. What was I thinking? And now I can’t un-ring that bell.”

I completely understand wanting closure. But I can not stress enough how often this goes wrong. Seeing her and having it go badly can delay your progress by a lot. I believe that the best thing that you can do is to leave her behind as soon as possible. Why invite her into your life when your husband has promised to break it off? Now, you must break it off and that means moving past her. Write down your thoughts and feelings if you’d like but don’t bring her negativity into your life. I know that this might not be what you want to hear, but so often, contacting her brings the exact opposite of closure.  Frankly, I got closure once I realized that a while had gone by and I hadn’t thought about the affair.  But, if I had met with her, I can guarantee that my closure would have been delayed. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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