Should I Wait Out The Affair? Or Walk Away?
I sometimes hear from wives who have done their research and know that, statistically speaking, most affairs come to an end relatively quickly. They try to keep this in mind when their husband is dragging his feet about ending the affair or insisting that he needs “more time” to make up his mind. However, quite understandably, it can be difficult to have patience in this situation. A wife might struggle with whether to just cut her losses and leave or whether to give it a little more time, knowing that statistics are on her side. This decision can be even more difficult when children are involved.
Someone may have a scenario like this one: “my husband has not ended his affair. He says that he just needs more time to end things decently. I worry that he’s not ending it because he really has no intention of doing so. I worry that he wants to be with the other woman. He swears that this isn’t the case. This debate has only been going on for days and I am already impatient with this. I am tempted to tell him to pack his things and get out. I am tempted to just call it a day and move on with my life. But then I think about my kids. And I think about growing old alone. And I imagine him crying and begging me to have patience. I don’t know what to do. I know that the vast majority of affairs end. But it’s almost a pride thing. Part of me says that I should wait it out. And another part of me says that he doesn’t deserve my patience.”
I know that this is a tough choice. And you are right. Statistically speaking, if you wait it out, the affair will usually end. But, I guess an important question is, what will your life be like while you are waiting? And, is this life acceptable to you? I can share what many wives have done in this situation with some success. Like you, they didn’t want to just sit idly by while their husband was still technically having an affair (even when he claimed that he was trying to break it off.) So, they told him that while he was deciding, they were going to do their own thing and not participate in the marriage as they usually would. They didn’t file for a divorce or separation. They didn’t move out. But they also weren’t actively participating in the marriage like everything was normal. This meant no sex. And no martial benefits or obligations. That way, they didn’t feel like they were being taken advantage of and their husband had an incentive to end the affair more quickly if he was still invested in his marriage.
Sometimes, this is the push that the husband needs to end things and to prioritize the marriage. Other times, the wife gets tired of waiting and decides that none of this is working for her. It’s difficult to predict the outcome until you try it, but you might tell your husband something like this: “I hear you saying that you need time and I suppose that I can’t change that. But it’s very unrealistic of you to think that I’m just going to wait around while you are participating in a relationship with someone else. A marriage is a relationship between two people, not three people. So we can’t work on our marriage while the affair is going on because we really don’t have one. I’ll be sleeping in another room. Because of the kids, I have no immediate plans to leave, but that may change. I can’t keep my self respect and just continue on like nothing is happening. For now, I will stay put. But I can’t participate in our marriage until we have a marriage that only contains two people. So when you break off the affair, you let me know and we will go from there. Until then, I will work on myself and turn my attention toward our children. You let me know when you are ready to move forward.”
I do not know how anyone can fault you in this scenario. You are not ending your marriage abruptly and you are giving him a chance, but you can’t be expected to continue with your marriage like nothing has happened. You have every right to put that on hold until he ends the affair. Then you wait. Some of the time, this will nudge him to end it. Other times, he will still stall and you will need to evaluate how long you are willing to wait. But you won’t know how that is going to play out until you make your expectations clear. No plan is perfect. But what I like about this plan is that it allows you to keep your self respect and it forces him to show you his true feelings.
Hopefully, he will quickly do the right thing and then you can begin to move forward. Never apologize for wanting to be made a priority and to be treated with respect. You’re welcome to read about my healing and growing process after my spouse’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com
Standing my ground allowed me to keep my self respect.
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