Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most faithful spouses anticipate severe marital challenges after they learn their spouse has cheated or had an affair. Many understand the need to navigate trust issues and resentment toward their spouse. These effects are known to most people.  

But I find that many faithful spouses are surprised at some unanticipated effects popping up. Unfortunately, many assume that these unexpected effects mean they aren’t coping well or that something is wrong with them. Neither is true.   

Below, I’ll list some things I wish I’d known about when trying to recover from an affair. If these things ring true for you, know that you are not alone and that they can be normal. 

Anger at Friends and Family: This one still baffles me somewhat. I made a very conscious decision to only tell a select few people about the affair, which meant I kept it from most of those close to me. I did this because I’d seen loved ones refuse to stop talking about someone else’s affair, even though the faithful spouse was more than ready to let it go. I didn’t want the affair following me around forever – even if it was because of well-meaning family members or friends.

So I didn’t have to hear their unsolicited opinions or advice. Still, I was angry at some of them. Why? Because I – probably illogically – thought that some of them should have told me if they noticed something “off” about my husband or myself. Had I let myself go? Why hadn’t my sister and cousins told me? Did someone see my husband’s eyes following other women? Why did no one mention it?

Of course, now that I have hindsight, I honestly believe neither of these things was true. And that is why no one said anything. 

A Feeling that Most People Can’t Be Trusted:  I’ll be honest. My husband’s affair pretty much caught me off guard. He’d always been a good man, a trustworthy person, and, I thought, a solid spouse. How had I been fooled so easily? Did I just have bad radar? Was I just naive and stupid?

To make myself feel better, I started researching affairs and reading accounts of other people who have been through this. I learned that infidelity is very common, and it is not out of the ordinary for the faithful spouse not to suspect anything.

These tidbits of information started to make me think that there are MANY people in the world who are fooling and deceiving those they love. So I got a bit paranoid, and I started to think that everyone was cheating. If I’d go to a neighborhood or work get-together, I’d start to size up the men and wonder who among them was cheating on the sly.  

Thankfully, now that I’ve healed, I don’t do this anymore. It’s not really my business, and I now realize that my perception was negatively skewed during that time. It’s not in my best interest to go through the world in distrust and paranoia.

Guarding, and Then Closing Off, Your Heart: It is understandable to back away from your spouse after you learn of the infidelity. You don’t want to get hurt again. You don’t want to feel that kind of rejection again, so you kind of close yourself off from your spouse. You stop having expectations, and you stop reaching out. What is more surprising, however, is that eventually, you can close off your heart to people who’ve done nothing to hurt you. 

I even guarded myself against friends and coworkers. There were times that even tender occasions like the birth of a child couldn’t melt me. I worried that the parents of that child would one day find themselves dealing with what I was dealing with, and I wondered if it was a happy occasion after all. That is how skewed my thinking became. 

Eventually, I realized that I was placing myself in the worst type of prison. Loving and tender feelings toward other people are one of life’s great joys. I didn’t want to be a guarded, bitter, unfeeling person. So I eventually consciously started to allow myself to feel and be vulnerable again. 

No Longer Giving a Care About Surprising Things and Learning That Life is Too Short:  I am generally a pretty conscientious person. I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person. I want to leave the world a little better than I found it most of the time. I am not someone who is ever going to break a rule or go against the tide. I am generally a world-class worrier because of this. After the affair, this changed. Because the worst had happened. 

 I learned that you can’t worry yourself into safety. So, after the affair, if I wanted to do something – I did it. I no longer fretted about always doing the prudent thing. Life is too short to always wait for the right time or to worry about something outside your control.  

After I’d had a little time to begin to heal, I stopped being so apologetic. I lived my life with less fear. What was the worst thing that could have happened at that point? This shift was actually quite healthy for me. 

Much More Honesty and Intimacy in Your Marriage and Relationships: I didn’t realize it at the time, by my husband and I used to “nice” one another. What I mean by that is that we’d often talk in pleasant small talk about topics that didn’t matter all that much. It wasn’t a bad way to live, but it didn’t encourage the deep intimacy most people want and need in their marriages.

Once the affair happened, there was no reason to tiptoe around any topic at all. So things started to eventually get brutally honest. And although that hurt for a bit, it was healthy in the long run. I don’t worry about anyone judging me anymore. I say what I really feel, I speak the truth, and the chips can fall where they may. This makes for a much more genuine relationship that feels much more authentic.

I’ve noticed this shift in my friendships and other relationships as well. There’s just no reason to pretend. You either want a real relationship or you don’t. And yes, maintaining one is extra work and requires vulnerability. But it feels so much better than before. 

As I’ve alluded to, I do believe that true healing is possible, but unfortunately, you sometimes have to get through some difficult things first.  If it helps, you can read about my journey though this at https://surviving-the-affair.

 

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