Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I find that one of the biggest concerns that faithful wives have is the progression of their recovery. No one likes to experience the pain and uncertainty that an affair brings. So, of course, everyone wants to heal as soon as possible. No one wants a prolonged recovery. And yet, that is the path that most wives fear that they are on. Many of them think that they are not “on track” with their recovery or that they have fallen behind.

It’s not uncommon to hear one of these wives say something like this: “It has been over a year since my husband’s affair. In some ways, I am more hurt and angry now than I have ever been. I’m very disappointed. I thought that if I held on, things would get better. But my husband hasn’t done everything that he promised and I haven’t been able to let go in the way that I promised that I would. I still feel a lot of resentment and pain. My husband has done a lot of what I’ve asked, just not all of it. Still, even if my husband had acted perfectly, I’m not sure that I would be completely over this. What is wrong with me? Why am I falling behind on the timeline?”

I would argue that there is nothing wrong with you. Recovery after an affair can be a lengthy process. It is not the same process for everyone. Therefore, the timeline is very individual. I have actually been on websites that spell out a set timeline with defined recovery phases, such as: the discovery phase, the reaction phase, the release phase, and the recommitment phase. While I think it is helpful to see that things do get better, many of these sites have specific time estimates for each phrase, with full recovery coming after about eighteen months.

If you are a wife looking at this chart and you perceive that you are “behind,” then none of this will be very encouraging. I once had a therapist tell me that the average time for recovery was two years, but if I worked with her, we could whittle it down to one year. That wasn’t particularly helpful for me at the time because one year sounded like an eternity, at right then.

Here is what I have come to believe. Every affair is different. Every couple is different. Every individual is different. What helped me to turn the corner may not help you. The time period that I turned the corner may be different than yours. Those are just a few reasons that some people may reach the “recommitment” phase too early, and then they slip back into the reaction phase. Therefore, it doesn’t pay to rush.

Please don’t cling to someone else’s timeframe. Because if you hold yourself to these, you will find one more place where you THINK you have failed, even if this is not true. And this will be just one more issue you are grappling with.

Give yourself permission to move at your own pace. And understand that we often need some things from our spouse to make full progress. And other times, we are clinging onto our anger because it serves us or offers us protection. For example, sometimes our husband will promise that he will not participate in ANY of the behaviors that lead to the affair. In reality, he may have dropped MOST of these behaviors, but not ALL of them. Therefore, your remaining somewhat stuck is understandable. Or, sometimes our husband has done everything we have asked, but we still harbor resentment because we are afraid to allow ourselves to be completely vulnerable again. That’s why it’s important to be brutally honest with yourself about what may be holding you back. If you need more from your husband, say so. If you need more from yourself, take it.

With the above said, sometimes you can’t figure out exactly why you haven’t moved on. In these cases, perhaps you really do just need more time. There is nothing wrong with that and there are certain aspects of grief that cannot be rushed. I lost a very dear family member last year. The anniversary of her death just passed. And yet, there are days when her death feels as if it happened yesterday. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t begun to heal. I have. But death is a difficult blow. And an affair can be just as difficult. It’s very important to acknowledge this.

How about this? Instead of trying to figure out what phase you are in and why you haven’t moved on to the next one, just ask yourself if today was a little better than yesterday or if this month was slightly better than the last. And if not, are you dusting yourself off and are you continuing to try to move forward? Sometimes, this is the most realistic progression that one can ask for.

Give yourself permission to accept small pockets of happiness where you find them. Sure, you may not be “home free” in terms of the affair, but I’ll bet there are other areas of your life where you can find progress and contentment. Give yourself permission to acknowledge those. We are all a work in progress. Perfection is impossible. But growth is not. As long as you moving toward growth, even with tons of setbacks, then you are doing just fine. You can read about my own unique progression at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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