Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve never dealt with a spouse’s infidelity, you might assume that you’ll deal with a week or two of massive shock and sadness until you eventually level out in a relatively short period of time. Even if you’re still struggling, you might think, you’ll still need to start to move on relatively quickly – for your own well-being.  

Unfortunately, that massive shock and unease can last longer than weeks or months for some people and can certainly be more dramatic and painful than many assume.

In fact, some wives feel downright anxious, unwell, or ill – which obviously gives them more unpleasant things to deal with than just their husband’s affairs. 

A wife might say, “When I was in college, I had a couple of panic attacks. I got counseling, and I haven’t had another in many years. However, after I found out about my husband’s affair, I had another and have had them repeatedly. I constantly feel anxious. I go to bed anxious and I wake up anxious. I feel a constant sense of dread. I have trouble functioning in the job I’ve had and thrived at for many years. The constant fight or flight stimulus has me literally feeling shaky – like I’ve got low blood sugar. I just generally feel unwell all of the time, like my life has turned into a train wreck that is never going to end. I wasn’t at all like this before the affair. I was well-adjusted, functioning quite well, and had a good life. But no more. I feel like this has infidelity has ruined my life, and I can’t seem to right myself. Is this going to last forever?”

I can only speak for myself and from the observations that I’ve made by watching other women that I’ve seen go through this. No, it does not last forever in many cases. But I know exactly what you mean about the anxiety and the unease. I experienced this as well and I’ll go over some things that helped me to deal with it at the time. 

Don’t Place Judgements on the Feelings and Don’t Resist Them: I will admit that I spent some time in counseling after my husband’s affair. I went by myself for the first visit because I just wasn’t sure that I wanted anything to do with him at first.

A counselor asked me why I was judging myself for the anxiety and unease, as though these things were my fault or that I was weak for feeling them. Honestly, I had difficulty answering this question, but I told her that the vast discomfort the anxiety caused resulted in strong negativity. So yes, I had negative judgments because the anxiety was leveling me.  

And yes, I was resisting the anxiety because it was painful. She said that my resistance was just making the anxiety worse. She asked me to try – just for a while – to just observe the feelings without judging myself or experiencing more negativity about them. She told me to try to watch them go by – like clouds floating away. Doing this, when I was able to, meant they lost at least some of their power. And over time, once I saw that I could and would get better, the anxiety did begin to fade.

Give Yourself the Gift of Distraction: I know that when you are dealing with the aftermath of the affair, things feel immediate. You want to feel better right away, so you think that you need to white-knuckle this thing every single day. 

You feel like you need to “work” every waking minute. But you know what that does? It keeps you worked up, on high alert 24/7, and that is just not good for you. 

So permit yourself to distract yourself with things you can lose yourself in and enjoy. I would read mysteries, watch binge-able television, and bake.   

I don’t think I’ve ever read so much as I did during that time. But reading forced me to sit down, be quiet, and devote my mind to something other than worrying. (I had to solve the mysteries in my books.) 

Reading may not be an escape for you, because everyone is different, but pick what works for you.

Try to Get Clear on What Might Expect From Your Husband Moving Forward: Unfortunately, there often isn’t a quick fix after an affair. You need time to process what is happening, and it will take time to heal and rebuild – assuming you’re interested in that.

But what you can ask for quite early on is what to expect from your husband. Does he plan to end the affair? Can he exhibit behaviors to reassure you, such as coming home early, not going out with risky friends, and giving you access to his phone and social media, etc?

If he’s willing to do these things, that will increase your peace of mind and decrease your anxiety. The more you have to wonder about what your husband is doing, who he is with, how he feels, what his intentions are, etc, the more you’re likely to feel uncertainty and, therefore, anxiety.

Take Care of Yourself:  One last thing you can do is take care of your physical and mental needs. Get counseling if you need it. Eat well (I took to skipping meals because I was upset, and this made me nauseous for days on end.) Drink enough water. Get exercise. Go for walks in the sunshine. You are the only one who can truly prioritize your own well-being, and you deserve to feel as well as you can.

Not taking care of yourself is like continuing to be punished for something that you didn’t do and that isn’t your fault. Why should you suffer anymore than you already have?  Be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to take what you need, and make no apologies.  I can’t pretend I did all of these things from the jump. I didn’t. I needlessly suffered first.  But I learned that if I didn’t take care of myself, no one else would. You can read more about my healing and recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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