The Long And Short Term Consequences Of An Affair: Which Is Worse?
Any wife who has ever dealt with infidelity or an affair knows that the repercussions may not be only temporary. Sure, you may be bombarded with shock, grief, anger, and outrage from the get-go, but you may be surprised to learn that some of these things follow you or morph into something else. Because of this, many wives worry that they will never truly move on.
A wife might ask, “I wonder which is going to be worse, the short or long term consequences of my husband’s affair. I know that today, I just feel shell-shocked. I cannot believe that this is my life. I thought that I had a decent marriage and that I’d married a good man. Turns out I have a liar and cheater. Yes, he says and does all the right things but I do not trust him. And I worry that I’m not as attractive as I used to be. So thanks to him, I now doubt myself. I know that these are the short-term consequences and they are bad enough, but now I worry that I will end up as one of those bitter, old women who believe that the whole world is out to get them. I don’t want this. Which is worse, the short or long term consequences of an affair?
I’m sure it is different for everyone and I can certainly share my own experience. But first, I’ll list what I think are the most common short and long term consequences of an affair. Then I’ll tell you which I believe are worse. And I’ll offer tips on how to avoid them.
The Short Term Consequences Of An Affair: The wife above had a pretty good handle of common short term effects of infidelity. But I believe that you can categorize them into two big categories – fear and doubt. Under the category of fear, you have things like a loss of self-esteem, overwhelming anger, and deep sadness. Under the category of doubt, you’ll find things like lack of trust, disbelief, and a struggle to know what is real right now. In short, an affair shakes your perception of reality. You question everything. Was your marriage a lie? Did he never love you? Does he not love you now? Is he a liar who should never be trusted? Was he always? Can you be trusted to know what is true in the future? Do you even want to try?
These reactions are normal. Other than ignoring your feelings, I’m not sure how you avoid them. However, when they do emerge, you have a choice as to how you respond to them. You can react to the fear with panic. Or you can sit with it for a while, evaluate it, and then find a positive way to move past it.
The Long Term Consequences Of Affair: The long term aftermath of an affair is much harder to quantify. Some couples work very hard and/or obtain excellent help so that they heal. Some will even tell you that their marriage is stronger than ever. However, I would never tell you that you’ll one day completely forget the affair. Or be completely fine with it. I do consider myself healed, but every once in a while, a memory or a negative feeling will emerge. This shift causes me to take stock of my life and my marriage. Sometimes, it’s easy to identify the trigger. Other times, there seems to be no particular reason for it. However, I am able to move past these occurrences because I know that we have both done the work to truly move past this. I have also decided not to live my life in fear because I know that I will survive no matter what comes up. So it doesn’t make sense to continue to be damaged by something that we have worked so hard to put behind us. Why willingly allow the trauma to continue?
However, I know that many wives have different experiences. Some no longer trust men. Others divorce and never want to remarry. Still others remain married but are miserable and never allow their husband to forget. This means that both spouses continue to struggle with the fallout of an affair that was over long ago. Some men cheat again because they never completed rehabilitation. Or the same issues that lead to the affair were never resolved.
Some wives never relinquish the doubt, fear, and bitterness that emerged immediately after the affair so that the short term consequences simply continue. In this case, one or both spouses can grow very tired of living this way.
I believe that the more severe of these long term consequences (continued bitterness, distrust, and self-doubt) are the worst of the bunch. Why? Because you’re still being punished for something that was never your fault. You should not have to carry this heavy burden for the rest of your life.
How To Avoid The Worst Consequences: I believe that the way to avoid these burdens is to relentlessly pursue healing. Even if you are unsure about your husband or your marriage, you deserve to be emotionally healthy and at peace. If he won’t pursue help, please take the initiative to get it on your own. Professional help is the gold standard, but there is plenty of excellent self-help available. You deserve to let this go.
Life can and does go on after an affair. And if you are willing to do the work and let go of emotions that do not serve you, life can actually be pretty sweet. You’re welcome to read about my own healing process at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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