Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who seek out or talk to the other woman know deep in their hearts that no good can come of it. Many later admit that there was a little voice in their head telling them to end the communication at once and to never look back. But, for whatever reason, they ignored that little voice and allowed their curiosity and their need for information to get the better of them. They met with her and then she told them something incredibly hurtful.

An example is the other woman who does her very best to paint the affair as a love story that will never end. She’ll try to paint herself and the husband as soul mates who are destined to be together forever and who share a love to which all others just can not compare. This leaves the wife wondering what this means for her. A wife might say: “I did not reach out to the other woman. She called me. And she said that she needed to tell me something very important that might change everything for me. My first inclination was to hang up and to tell her to never call back. But I knew that if I did that, I was going to go crazy wondering what the information was, so I reluctantly agreed to go. Turns out, her ‘important information’ was the declaration that she and my husband are deeply in love and that they are so close that they share a bond that can never be broken no matter how hard I try. She says my husband has repeatedly told her that he’s never felt anything like what he feels with her and that he never had that feeling with me – even when we were dating. She says that my husband told her that he married me only out of a sense of obligation. She informed me that she felt like she just had to be honest with me and tell me that I am wasting my time trying to save a marriage that was never right in the first place. I am so upset by this. I try to put it out of my head, but I can’t. My brain keeps echoing with her claims. Tonight, my husband tried to be sweet to me, but I was cold to him because in my mind he was just faking it because he can’t possibly feel for me what he felt for her.”

Ask Yourself About Her Motives: I know that this must be painful. But I think it might be a mistake to just assume that what she told you is the truth. Think about it for a minute. Does she have any motive to paint the affair as different than it really was? Of course she does. If she can make you think that your marriage doesn’t stand a chance, then perhaps you will back off, reluctantly end your marriage, and leave your husband to her. Or, if she can make you think that your marriage can not compete with their relationship, then again, you might just give up and feel that you can’t and shouldn’t compete – which will completely clear the way for her.

And here’s something else that you may not have considered. People who have affairs have a vested interest in trying to magnify the relationship. This makes it easier to justify their behavior. It’s easier to think to yourself something like: “I’m not normally the type of person who would cheat. But this relationship was so special and so right that I just had to make an exception. How can I be expected to pass up my soul mate?”

It’s better for most people to think about themselves in that way than to admit that they willingly cheated with someone they knew was married and threw all of their integrity out of the window.

Look At What Is Real And Not At Someone Else’s Reality: If their relationship was so special and enduring, you will learn that soon enough. But if that were true, why is your husband making an effort to be sweet to you in an attempt to save the marriage? I just think it’s important to realize that she has her reasons to tell you what is less than the truth.  And if, because of her, you distance yourself from your husband who was truly making an effort, she will get exactly what she wants.  She will have accomplished exactly what she set out to do.

Nothing says that you have to believe her and nothing says you have to meet with her or listen to her again. Many wives want to meet with her again to show her that she hasn’t won. But frankly, the most effective way to show her your victory is to move on with your life and to secure your marriage so that she is no longer in the middle of it – even if she wants to be.

Reality Changes: And, even if she believes that what she is saying is true, plenty of couples save their marriage under these circumstances. People sometimes do believe that they are in love with their affair. But the longer that it is over and the longer that they are no longer participating it in, the more likely it is that they come to realize that they were wrong.

Honestly, I firmly believe that you are better off getting information from your husband. There’s no guarantee that he will tell you the complete truth either.  But at least he’s someone who you still want in your life.  And he is invested in not hurting you, when that may be her goal.  Determining where to place your focus is so very important. There’s more to read about my own recovery after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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