Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from panicked spouses who don’t know what to do now that their “other woman” and their wife are comparing notes. This often happens because, for whatever reason, the other woman feels compelled to spill the beans. And although the cheating spouse will often do everything in his power to stop the communication, the other woman refuses to stop the communication and the two women are now speaking regularly. And as a result, both women are seeing that the husband was telling them two different stories and, in a sense, lying to them both.

You might hear the husband say something like: “I know that cheating was wrong and I never intended for the affair to become a long term thing. But I developed feelings for the other woman. And she is someone who is very honorable. She didn’t want to have a relationship with me because I was married. So I told her that my marriage was in trouble. This wasn’t exactly true. My wife and I had gone through a rough patch. I never intended to end my marriage. But I didn’t tell the other woman that. This was awful of me. I know that now. I realize that I strung the other woman along. Well, the other woman got tired of that. So she called me wife and told her everything. At first my wife, hung up on her. But she called again the next day. And the next. And now they are talking regularly. They have almost become friendly. And they talk about me. At this point, they both act like they hate me. They both refuse to talk to me. I understand that, in a way. And quite frankly, even though I have feelings for other woman, I don’t care as much as to how she feels about me. Because I never intended for that relationship to last.  And I would let it go in an instant to get my wife back.   I care very much about my marriage with my wife. And I want it back more than anything. But my wife would rather talk to the other woman than to me. I asked the other woman not to call anymore but she said I can’t control what she does and that my wife actually wants to talk to her. What can I do?”

Well, the strategy that is going to be effective is going to depend upon whether or not its true if your wife is willingly communicating with the other woman. Because if the other woman was forcing communication with your wife, then you could change your phone number and take other steps toward stopping the communication.

But, if your wife is a willing participant, then there is not much that you can do other than to stress to your wife that you’d like to save your marriage and that you can not do that until the other woman is out of both of your lives.

Don’t be surprised though if she isn’t receptive to this at first. As a wife who has dealt with infidelity, I can offer some information as to why she could be receptive to the other woman right now.  From my own experience, I’d suspect that she is trying to gather information. She wants to know what she is up against. And she knows that you have an interest in slanting the story for your own benefit. In her own mind, she is trying to get to the truth. She likely intends to hear everything that the other woman has to say and she may eventually hear what you have to say with the intention of comparing the two stories and seeing what rings true to her.

There isn’t much that you can do to prevent this process. She’s bound to be naturally curious and she has every right to attempt to get the whole story. You could try promising her that you are going to tell her the entire, complete, and truthful story so that she doesn’t have to get it from someone else. But she may not take you up on that.

I’d suggest trying to be open, honest, and forthcoming and then having patience and allowing your wife to come to you. Pressuring her or forbidding her to speak to someone are not going to help your cause and they may contribute to her pulling away from you even more.

You may consider trying a conversation like: “I know that you think the other woman is trying to offer you something. I know you think that you are getting information from her. But I’d like for you to consider that she is giving you information meant to hurt me and meant to make me lose my marriage.  The truth is, she is motivated by anger. I understand that what happens with our marriage is completely up to you. I understand that you may need time or that you may never want to forgive me. But before you make any decisions, I hope you will hear me out. I am so very remorseful for this. I am so very over the other woman. What I want more than anything in the world is to make this up to you and to retain my family. I know that my own actions have put that in jeopardy. But I hope that one day you will give me the chance.”

Notice that this conversation did not ask her not to see the other woman. That is over stepping at this point and that makes it look like all you care about is stopping her from getting information. You want to instead show her that what you care about most is your marriage and her well being.  And you must be sincere about this.

Focus first on trying to establish communication with your wife. The hope is that this will make her more interested in the idea of saving your marriage which will naturally make her less interested in talking to the other woman.

Once she has lost interest in conversing with the other woman, the real work begins.  You will need to be attending, patient, and understanding.  And you will have to show your wife that your highest priority is her.  You can read more about my own recovery after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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