Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who wish that the other woman would leave their husbands alone. Sometimes, the affair has been over for quite some time. And yet, the other woman is still making a pest of herself, trying to reach out to the husband, and trying to let him know how much she misses him. This can infuriate the wife because she’s trying very hard to save her marriage and the other woman is making this more of a challenge than it needs to be.

So I might hear from a wife who says: “the affair happened six months ago. As soon as I found out about it, my husband agreed to end it. I heard him call the other woman, tell her the affair was over, and ask her not to contact him again. I heard him say these words. And his voice with steady and forceful. There is no way that she could have mistook what he was saying. It was very clear that he didn’t want to be contacted by her again. And yet, the other day, I looked at his texts and there was one from her saying how much she missed him. My husband responded that they shouldn’t be talking. And she responded with: ‘it’s true. I do still miss you. I don’t care how much time passes. I still miss you.’ I am so upset by this. Why is she still trying to worm her way in his life? He says he hasn’t done anything to encourage her, but I don’t know what to believe at this point. Why would she continue to try to contact him if he’s not doing anything to encourage her? Is this possible? And how can I make her stop?”

Try Not To Jump To Conclusions: I know that it’s easy to believe that your husband is leading this woman on. You likely still feel some doubts about his love for and commitment to you. So, it may be easy for you to believe that your husband is still after her or she’s only responding to his texts first. I understand why you might feel this way, but I’d suggest not jumping to conclusions before you investigate further. What is to stay that she isn’t the one doing all of the contacting? That would not be out of the question. And, by doubting your husband, you are giving her power because she is still creating conflict when she should already been gone from your life. Only you can determine if you find your husband’s recent behavior trustworthy.  But if you do, reconsider allowing her back into your life.

Where Do You Go From Here?: Well, there are a couple of ways that you can approach this. You can choose to give your husband the benefit of the doubt unless he gives you a reason not to. If he’s not exhibiting any other strange behavior, is attentive to you, and is where he says he’s going to be, then it may not make sense to create conflict when you don’t have to?

Another thing that you can do is to encourage him to make it very difficult, if not impossible, for her to contact him. She’s already shown that she’s not going to respond to your husband telling her to leave him alone. He has already tried that tactic and she has always ignored it. So, you may have to just make this process more challenging for her. What if you husband blocked her number so that she could no longer text him? What if, taking this even a step further, he changed his number and didn’t give her the new one?

Look at the ways that she contacts him and then take the steps so that she can’t do this anymore. This might mean blocking her on facebook or opening a new account that she does not have access to. It might mean changing phone numbers. It might mean closing or changing other media communications that she has used to contact him. I know that this can seem like a lot of trouble. But frankly, if she finds that she can no longer reach out to him, then she likely won’t have any choice but to stop.

What Does It Matter If She Misses Him If No One Is Acting On It?: I know that it can really bug you to read her words and to know that she is still thinking about your husband. But, let’s think of this logically instead of emotionally, just for a minute. As long as no one is acting on her messages, what does it really matter? The only way that it truly matters is if you allow this to thwart your attempts to save your marriage. And why would you do that? Why let her make her way back into your life?

Frankly, her missing your husband is not your problem – it is hers. And until she makes a change in her life, she will likely remain stuck and not moving forward and missing someone else’s husband. But that is not your issue. It is hers. Don’t make it your problem. Don’t make it your husband’s problem. Or your marriage’s problem.

Make it difficult (if not impossible) for her to continue to contact him. And then, just let her deal with her own issues. And let her go. She has no place in your life anymore. She may well miss your husband. But when she doesn’t have easy access to him, she will eventually move on because she has no choice.

I understand how difficult it is to think about the other woman.  But I know from experience, it is best to let her go and move on. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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