Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: When you are trying to evaluate what you want to do after your spouse has an affair, you can only make a decision as good as the information that you are getting. Most of the time, much of your information comes from your spouse. Quite understandably, you can have some doubts about the truthfulness of this information because your spouse has his own agenda and his own reasons for trying to slant the information in a certain way.

But what happens if the information that you are getting from your spouse clashes with the information that you are getting from someone else? And what if that someone else is the other woman?

I might hear from a wife who says: “when I caught my husband having an affair, he insisted that it wasn’t an affair, but it was a fling. He says that there is a big difference with a long term relationship in which he had feelings and actually put effort into and a few short encounters that were only about sex. He says that his relationship with the other woman wasn’t relationship at all. He says he felt nothing for her and he never thinks about her now. Well, the other woman actually called my home the other day. I told her that we had nothing to say to her and that whatever fleeting tiny little thing that was between them was over. She asked me why assumed that it was just a little thing. I told her what my husband said. She then informed me that my husband was lying to me. She said that the relationship was actually quite serious with feelings involved on both sides. She said that very soon, she is sure that my husband will start up with her again. She said all I have to do is wait and see and I will realize that he is lying through his teeth. Now, I don’t know who to believe and I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Who do I believe?”

I’m not sure that you need to believe that either of them is telling you the complete truth, simply because different people’s perceptions and versions of the truth depend in part of on their own world view and agendas. Most of the time, they aren’t even aware of this. They may even think they are being truthful but what they don’t realize is that they can only tell you their own version of the story.

Frankly, whose version of the truth feels more right to you is something that you truly must decide for yourself. But, I believe that I would take whatever the other woman is saying with healthy skepticism. She could very well be feeling rejected and she likely has her own agenda. She may want to make you doubt your husband. She may be hoping to cause trouble in your marriage. And quite frankly, I wouldn’t give her any way into your home, your thoughts, and your marriage. You’ve heard her message. You may consider it, but you don’t need to hear it again. I’d suggest blocking her number from your phone and not taking her calls or allowing any attempt to communicate.

Sometimes I have wives respond to this by saying something like: “but if I don’t listen to what she has to say, how do I know that my husband is lying? What if he is telling me complete lies? I wouldn’t know it because I wouldn’t have her to cross reference.” Well, this assumes that she is indeed telling you the truth, which is questionable. But my take on this is that continued communication with her brings about so many other problems than it solves.

No, you won’t know if he’s lying to you immediately. But you can watch his behaviors and his actions very closely. You can monitor him as is needed. Honestly, once you’ve found out your husband has cheated on you, then you become very skilled at watching for the clues. You don’t need some third party who may want to destroy your marriage keeping tabs. You can do that on your own.

I know that it’s very frustrating to feel that your husband may lie to you. But, there is also a chance that he may be telling the truth. Only time is going to give you all of the information that you need to evaluate this. I wish it weren’t that way, but it is. He could well be telling you the absolute truth, but until enough time has passed for you to see that she is no longer in the picture exactly as he has said, then you are going to have doubt until you reach the point where you develop confidence again.

You may chose to believe or to not to believe your husband based on his behaviors, his actions, or your own gut feeling. But I would not form any beliefs based on what the other woman is telling you. I’d watch very closely, wait, and come to my own conclusions.

I’d suggest asking yourself who you have the most history with and who you know the best.  This is likely your husband.  Do you have to blindly trust what he is telling you? Absolutely not.  But don’t allow a third party to distract you from what you truly want.  In my own case, I chose to discard everything about the other woman.  I didn’t believe what my husband told me all of the time.  I watched on my own and then made my own decisions.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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