Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I am going to be honest and tell you that I get as much correspondence asking about the other woman as I do asking about rehabilitating the marriage or recovering after an affair. People just aren’t sure how to handle her. They aren’t sure if they need to confront her, to listen to her, to ignore her, or to attempt to learn more about her or to see things from her point of view. Many wives honestly feel that they can’t begin to move on until they have faced her.

This whole thing can become particularly confusing when the other woman is making attempts to explain her actions, to make things right, or to apologize.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband cheated on me with our massage therapist. After his accident, he has seen her regularly. I have gone to her for stress relief, but not nearly as often as he has. To be quite honest about it, she is a nice person. She always talks about her aging mother, who is clearly so important to her. She has always been sweet to me which is why I was so shocked when my husband told me about them. He tearfully confessed and begged me to forgive him. He said that it only happened a couple of times and that he would never see her again for any reason, even professional ones. I am struggling to process this. But in the meantime, I got an email from her. She had no idea that my husband told me. And she was confessing of her own accord. She tried to explain that it wasn’t premeditated and that she was so ashamed. She said that she wanted the opportunity to apologize to my face. I am so torn about this. I am furious at what she has done to my marriage. But at the same time, knowing that this type of conflict is still outstanding in my life bothers me. Part of me wants to just put it behind me and hear what she has to say. My friend says that I am crazy. She says that this woman just wants to ease her conscience and that I shouldn’t give her that luxury. She says that I shouldn’t do this for her. But I almost feel like I am doing it for myself also.”

Honestly, I would never tell anyone to forego something that might help them to feel better. This is a difficult time. And if you feel that this is going to bring you some relief, then I am not sure that I should discourage you.

However, I can tell you from the correspondence that I get, very few wives express closure or positive results from personally meeting with the other woman. Many describe the encounter as painful, awkward, and as bringing on more uncertainty and doubt. However, I do have to admit that most of the people behind this correspondence didn’t personally know the other person beforehand. So, I concede that this situation is different.

I can tell you that, in my own situation, I personally didn’t really care what the other person’s experience was. I understand that this might sound insensitive of me. Or self centered. But I am just being honest.

I was struggling with my own issues. It was difficult enough for me just to deal with myself. So taking on yet another issue just wasn’t something that I was willing to do.

Plus, I know myself very well. And I know that I was having serious issues with images of the affair going through my mind most of the time. I knew that if I added the image of the other woman actually communicating with me, that was an image that I was going to struggle with and remember over and over again. So it would be like being wounded repeatedly. Why give myself one more thing to overcome?

I also understand that this wife was looking at it as an almost kind thing to do – to show the other woman some respect and compassion. This is commendable. But I just couldn’t have mustered it in my own case. I knew that the person that I most needed compassion for was myself.

However, with all of this said, only the wife knew if this was going to be healing or therapeutic for her. What didn’t work for me might work for her and vice verse.  If she was unsure, my suggestion would be taking a couple of days to think about it before you make any commitment.  If after several days you still think you want to do this, do the least that you can that puts you in the least vulnerable emotional position.

In other words, if you’d like to hear or accept her apology, wouldn’t it better to respond by email so that you have an out if things don’t go the way that you planned? Or tell her beforehand that she has two minutes and two minutes only and that you are out of there after that? You can change your mind later, but it’s best to give yourself an easy out if things aren’t going as planned.

It’s just something to think about. If you truly feel that you should accept her apology, it’s honestly up to you. There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s really about what helps you heal. Always put yourself first. You have to put your own well being first. She can be responsible for herself in the same way that you are being responsible for your self.

I don’t think that there is right or wrong answer here.  But I have to be honest and say that I rarely see a face to face meetings going well. There are always exceptions.  And the fact that the wife knew this woman well might change things.  What is most important, though, is your own healing.  You’re welcome to read more about my own healing journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin