Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I find that of all of the things that a spouse could focus on when they find out or suspect that their partner is cheating, sex is almost always the thing that is focused on the most.  Most people want to know what the sex was like, how it differed from intimacy with them, and if their spouse enjoyed it more.  Wanting to know these things is understandable, but it’s very important to realize that the answers to these questions really don’t help you heal and will only paint a negative picture that’s going to be very hard to get out of your head.

Additionally, it’s a fact that very often, affairs have less to do with sex than you may think.  It’s often much more effective to focus on other aspects of the affair, as usually, other things contributed more to it and fixing these things will help you (and your marriage) much more, at least in my opinion. I’ll explain what I mean by this in the following article.

Cheating Is Often About Much More Than Sex: There’s a perception that affairs are filled with sleazy, hot sex that the cheater couldn’t get at home.  While the sex in an affair can be different for many reasons, the sex is often not the cornerstone of why the cheating happened.  In fact, many spouses who cheat often have very fulfilling or at least regular intimacy at home.

Often, cheating is really about attention and feeling competent and unique. So many men tell me that what was so attractive about the mistress was not how she looked or even the spark between them.  (So often the other woman is not even as attractive as the wife.) It was that she looked at him with adoring eyes, listened intently, laughed at his jokes (which the wife has heard a million times), and that he felt connected to her for some reason.

In short, the other woman is very “into him” and this feels good.  Because the wife has known him forever, and has responsibilities and distractions at home, it can feel that his wife isn’t as “into him” in the same way.

So many affairs happen at work because the close quarters and the “team work” atmosphere that is encouraged contributes to boundaries being blurred.  Very few men intend to cheat at work.  They aren’t looking for this and are sometimes caught off guard when it happens.

They usually go into the relationship for innocent and valid reasons, but over time they find that the person at work is meeting emotional needs, is showing attention, and is making them feel valued and understood.  He is sharing common tasks with her and this evolves into a more emotional realm.

Many men who speak about their affair spend more time describing the emotional connection rather than the physical one.  I have absolutely no doubt that the majority of men cheat more for emotional reasons than physical ones.  Yes, the sex is a bonus and they aren’t going to turn it down.  It’s exciting and new.  This can’t be denied.

But, the sex is often perceived as better not because of what she does or doesn’t do, but because he perceives that she’s really into him and he’s not feeling this at home.

What To Focus On (Besides Sex) If You Want To Save Your Marriage After An Affair:  I’ve already alluded to the fact that wives (and husbands too) who have been cheated on can become obsessed about the sex in the affair.  This is completely understandable, but I hope that I’ve shown you that there is so much more to an affair.  And, there’s so much more that you will need to address when you move forward to save your marriage.

So many spouses who have been cheated on feel that they need to swing from the chandeliers or do things that make them uncomfortable to get the spark back.  This just isn’t true.  What your spouse wants more than anything is to feel that you understand, appreciate and desire them.  A wife who initiates sex and then enjoys it is going to be so much more attractive than one who is putting on a show and doing something that isn’t typical.

But before you even worry about intimacy, you first have to reestablish the emotional connection.  You need to feel heard, understood, and appreciated every bit as much as your spouse does.  You need to figure out what vulnerabilities lead up to the affair and then fix them so that you are secure that you won’t have to deal with this again.  And, you need the time, distance and accountability to begin to rebuild the trust.  Then, it’s important to start focusing on creating a new, better reality that you can both be excited about.

Don’t feel like you need to rush yourself to have sex again.  It’s never wrong to wait until you know -without any doubts- that the time is right

Once the healing is behind you, know that reestablishing the emotional connection will go a long way toward establishing the physical one. You don’t have to participate in things that make you feel uncomfortable or you don’t want to do.  Your spouse is going to know that you are faking anyway.

It’s better to get to a place where you can freely and comfortably engage in something that you are enthusiastic about and genuinely find enjoyable.  This will be more fulfilling and exciting to your partner than anything else.