Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most people hope that they’ll never have to deal with marital infidelity. But when they do, it can be an unexpected pain that is unparalleled. The thought of moving on can seem impossible and very far away. Even when you want to start moving on, contemplating the steps to do so can make you feel frustrated, stuck, and as though you might never get your life back.

A wife might say, “My husband knows better than to ask me to forgive him right now. I can’t even think of it. I have always thought that people who cheat on their spouses are low-quality people that don’t deserve understanding or empathy. And honestly, parts of me still believe this. At the same time, I hate living this way. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my husband. But it almost seems like moving on can be separate from him. Because no matter what happens, I don’t want to keep living in sorrow and focusing on lack. But how do I even begin to move on, when I’m still so angry, hurt, and shocked?”

I believe it is possible to move on – no matter the circumstances – because you can do it independently of anyone – or anything – else. I was eventually able to move on myself after my husband’s affair, following some starts and starts. I eventually did save my marriage later, but I believe the process is the same regardless of what happens with your marriage. Here are some tips.   

Vow That You’re Going to Move on Whether Everything Falls Into Place or Not: I can’t tell you how many people hesitate to move on because they feel that their partner hasn’t been punished enough or they feel like not enough time has passed. They may also worry that moving on means that they are accepting their husband’s behavior, which certainly doesn’t seem fair.

Another possibility is that the faithful spouse feels that everything they want or need hasn’t yet happened. And until it does, they just can’t – or won’t – move on. This is a shame because I believe you don’t always need to check off every box to move forward. 

It’s important to understand that moving on is for YOU. It doesn’t mean that you erase your memory or deny reality. Instead, it means that you have made the conscious and healthy decision that you no longer want to live your life stuck in the mire of your partner’s betrayal. (Of which you are in no way at fault, by the way.)

When you prioritize your own healing, you decide not to hold onto your anger and grief – and all the negativity that comes from that. Letting it go is necessary for YOUR own well-being, not for his. 

So vow that you’ll move on even when everything isn’t perfect or wrapped up in a beautiful bow. 

Figure Out Where You’re Stuck And Move Forward From A Place Of Healing Rather Than Blame: Most people know that they are going to need to explore what went wrong, and then try to fix it to move forward – even if they are still stuck. However, many feel a lot of resentment about this, especially when they are not the ones who cheated. This is understandable.  

But remember that whether you walk away from your marriage or stick it out with your spouse, you’re going to carry whatever issues remain with you. So it makes sense to look at this and evaluate how you can escape healthier because of it. 

Ask yourself where you’re still unhealthy and where you’re still holding on and how you can now let go. The past is exactly that. The self-evaluation and healing process may not always be fun but know that you’re ultimately making your life easier moving forward. Because whatever issues you don’t heal, you’ll have to drag with you.  

Focus on Yourself and Get Needed Support: Make no apologies for making yourself your primary focus right now. Take care of yourself like you would a best friend or favorite sister. Be ruthless about that. Prioritize your physical and emotional needs because you come first. I really lost myself in exercise during the time period after the affair because it gave me a much-needed outlet. And a more toned body helped my self-esteem.

Surround yourself with those who love and support you. But be careful about who you “let in.” The last thing you want is to hear family members lecture you about how they never liked your husband, etc. That is why I honestly didn’t tell many people in my family. I enjoyed interacting with other faithful wives online. They “got it” because they were going through the same thing, and there were no judgments. 

If You Feel Stuck: If you have made the commitment to yourself to move on, but you just can’t seem to do it, it’s important not to beat yourself up. Sometimes, it’s too soon, and you need a little time to grieve and process this. Sometimes, we look at the future with worry rather than hope. And sometimes, whether we know it or not, we harbor some anger at ourselves, worrying that we’ll never be good enough. It’s easy to get caught up in a “what if” cycle that never ends.

Another reason for getting stuck is believing that we just haven’t gotten closure. If something needs to be said, please gently say it. It’s so much better to get it off your chest and move on than to sit there and harbor anger and remain stuck. 

If you need to rebuild your self-esteem so that you don’t go forward lacking confidence, by all means, give yourself permission to do so. You deserve whatever you need. Don’t suffer when it’s not necessary. Please do what you need to do to free yourself from this burden.

The Bottom Line: Remember that moving on doesn’t necessarily mean forgiveness or reconciliation, although it can if that is what you choose. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and moving on can give you that. 

I don’t dwell over my husband’s affair anymore.  Instead, I try to live my best life for myself. Yes, he is part of my life and I’m happy about that, but I have learned to prioritize myself and my own well-being because it’s healthy for both me and my marriage.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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