Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Believe it or not, after the shock, grief, and pain of an affair or cheating begin to wane, deep down, many people want to save the relationship. Often, there is still a lot of love, affection, and history left between you, and it is difficult to throw all of that away over one bad choice.  I have many people email me and tell me that even though they know their spouse or boyfriend is sorry, even though they know why the cheating happened and have made the changes that will ensure it doesn’t happen again, even though their spouse or loved one has been patient, reassuring, and has said or done all of the right things, there is still something deep inside them that keeps them from completing trusting after cheating has taken place.  This article will discuss why it can be hard to trust after an affair or cheating and will offer tips to help you rebuild the trust between you.

First, Explore EXACTLY  Why You Are Unable To Trust After The Affair (Are You Missing What Is Really Holding You Back?): Often, when an affair happens and the difficult conversations have taken place, people want to move on from the affair very quickly.  The betrayal of cheating is incredibly painful and difficult, so few people want to stay in this place long term.  However, often I find that when trust remains an issue even after the cheating partner has done and said all of the right things, the trust issues stem from how the person who has been cheated on feels about themselves, rather than the person who cheated or even the affair.

In a nutshell, cheating can all but destroy your self-esteem.  You wonder what you did wrong, why he found someone else more attractive than you, and he is lying now when he says he still wants to be with you. Often, a woman who has been cheated on will be left thinking (deep down, even if she doesn’t realize it) that she is not pretty enough, alluring enough, smart enough, or young enough to keep a man.  She will obsess about what the other woman had that her husband or boyfriend found so irresistible that he had to cheat to get it.

Understand That You Are Good Enough. You Were Not The Reason For The Cheating: Please believe me when I say that an affair often has everything to do with a flaw in the person who cheated rather than something lacking in the person who was cheated on. Let me say this another way.  It has everything to do with them and less to do with you or even the other woman or other person. People often cheat as a way to feel better about themselves. So, it’s not that the other woman is prettier, sexier, or better than you. It’s that – somehow, some way – she made your husband or boyfriend feel better about himself.

And, think about this,  you were once able to do this, and you are able to do it again – if you choose to or if you want to. All of our responsibilities often make us forget what is fun, attractive, and at the heart of our relationship.  Everyone wants to feel desired, appreciated, and understood.  Sometimes, people mistakenly think that their spouse or loved one can no longer or is no longer willing to offer these things.  Unfortunately, they often do not communicate or ask the appropriate questions before they act.

And here’s the catch-22. Their cheating on you has made it an absolute certainty that the good feelings, spark, and magic between you has taken a hit.  You need that to return to be able to restore the intimacy, passion, and bond between you that is going to get you through this.  But, of course, you’re not feeling so conducive to those feelings right now because you have been wronged in a big way. So, how do you get them back?

Place The Focus On Being Together In A Positive Way With No Pressure Or Strings Attached: Many times, it is unrealistic to just wake up one morning and say, “OK, today is the day that I am over the affair and I am full of trust again.” This isn’t the way it happens. Often, times, people put too much pressure on the relationship as they are rebuilding it.  They want guarantees. They want to define exactly where they are now and exactly where they are going to be in the future.  This will often set you up to fail because you feel you have to do each step perfectly in order to move on.

It’s far better to just commit to trying to have positive experiences together and see where it goes.  You love this person too much to allow the feelings between you to sour forever, no matter how it ends up, right? So, agree to do things together that would lighten the mood and be fun.  Nothing too deep or too drastic. Often, couples will find that as they share positive experiences, they begin to share positive feelings.  It’s a lot like “falling in love all over again.”  As this begins to happen, couples usually find that the bond, intimacy, and commitment begin to return.  And, only once these things are firmly back in place (and self-esteem is restored) can the trust come back for good.