We Want To Work Things Out After The Affair. But Is It Better If We Separate For A While First?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from couples who are trying to determine the easiest and most effective way to work things out after one of them has had an affair. One concern that they will often have if is one of them should leave the house and move out for a bit or whether a temporary or trial separation would be beneficial. They wonder if being apart for a while might allow for things to calm down a little bit and improve.
A sample concern is something like: “my husband had a three month affair. He confessed himself and I believe that he is very sorry and remorseful. He has asked me to allow him to try to work things out. I have agreed to this. I am not sure if we are going to be able to save our marriage, but I would like to try. My husband asked me if I wanted for him to move out for a while. He said that he feels like I get angry and sad every time I look at him and he would respect it if I need some space. I am not sure how I feel about this. I do feel angry sometimes when he is around, but I think that I would feel angry regardless. And I am not sure that I would trust him while he was away. If it better to separate for a little while to let things calm down? Or is it better to try to work things out while still living together?”
I’m not a therapist or mental health counselor, so I can only tell you my opinion on this based on my experience and from comments that I get on my blog. I believe that it truly does depend on the situation. If things are so volatile and ugly that the couple almost can’t stand to be in the same room together, then it can be beneficial for one of them to stay with friends for a while in order for things to calm down and not get out of hand. Notice that I said stay with friends. I didn’t say move out. If you truly want to save your marriage, then I think it is premature just to move out immediately unless that is what your spouse requests of you.
However, this didn’t seem to be the case with this couple. Yes, the wife was understandably angry. But it wasn’t so bad that they couldn’t be in the same room together. I think that it is optimal that you remain living together, with the understanding that you will give space and back off when and if it is needed. Some couples sleep in separate beds for a while. And if that is what makes them feel comfortable at the time, then I think that it is perfectly OK. But I believe there are many advantages to continuing on under the same roof, even if it is with the understanding that things are not the same or are not OK right now.
The Advantages Of Continuing To Live Together: First, it just indicates that you are willing to hang in there and not act impulsively. Even if you are angry, hurt, or disappointed, it shows that you have the ability to wait and see what happens rather than just fleeing immediately. This can say a lot about you, your marriage, and your personality. Second, there can be huge trust issues if you can’t see or know what your spouse is doing. When someone has already cheated on you once, of course you are going to wonder what he is up to even if he is doing nothing more than going to work and then immediately coming home. Third, it can be easier to work through your problems when you have easy access to your spouse. But when one of you is living apart from the other, the logistics can make talking, communicating, and just trying to be in the same space with each other much more difficult. Simply put, you won’t have the same opportunity to communicate and to check in regularly.
That is not to say that couples can’t and don’t make it after an affair when one moves out. They do. And the ones who do typically have counseling at set and regular times so that they are communicating regularly. If they don’t, then they will generally schedule times to get together. I believe there is a real risk in having one person move out when there is no self help or counseling in place to ensure that you will at least try to move forward.
But to answer the original concern, it’s my opinion (and that is all it is, an opinion) that unless things are very volatile between you, it’s best to remain under the same roof if you can, with the understanding that both people will give space if needed. My husband did stay with friends in the beginning. But he never officially moved out. I am not sure what would have happened if he had. But I think the whole healing process was easier once we were under the same roof. If it helps, you can read about own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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