Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who deeply regret cheating on their spouse and who would give virtually anything if their spouse would give them any hope at all that they could stay together. Some of the time, the faithful spouse refuses to believe that there in any logic in a person cheating on them and then immediately begging to stay together. As a result, the cheating spouse can be left grappling for ways to prove that he is completely sincere in his desire to stay together.

I can hear from both wives and husbands. But as an example, I might hear from a husband who says something like: “as soon as my wife saw a picture of the other woman, she shut down on me. I mean, she was furious when she found out about the affair and she even stayed with her mother for a couple of weeks. But when she came home, she said that she would consider trying to work it out. But she stressed that she wasn’t making any commitments and that she could change her mind at any time. I didn’t pressure her. I was just so happy to see her come home. We gradually started to talk about the affair more and more. It started to look like we were making some progress. Then, she asked to see a picture of the other woman. I had deleted everything from my phone, but I pulled up a facebook photo. My wife went ballistic. Because the other woman is younger. And she is very pretty. This seemed to bring out every insecurity that my wife could ever have – about her age, about her looks, about her body, and about my commitment to her. I admit that the other woman is pretty. But now I don’t feel anything but regret and shame when I look at her. I prefer the way that my wife looks. I prefer my wife to anyone else. I try to tell my wife this, but she refuses to believe me. She won’t believe that in her words I ‘would rather be a with a middle aged woman I have already cheated on than a hot young thing.’ She may not believe it. But it is true. I want the real deal – real love – with my wife. But now I’m afraid that I will not ever get that chance because she does not truly believe that I want to stay together. I believe she thinks I’m only begging her not to leave so I won’t lose money in a divorce. What can I do to make her believe me?”

I am a firm believer that you can not “make” anyone do anything. And you shouldn’t try to force someone to feel or do something, especially in a loving relationship. But there are behaviors that you can exhibit and things that you can do to encourage your wife to start to trust in you again. I will list some of them below.

Give Her More Of What You Have Been Holding Back On All Along: Husbands sometimes ask me what type of gift they should buy their wife after an affair. This usually shows me that they are on the wrong track. Unless you have a history of being stingy with money, buying your wife something isn’t likely to hit the mark. Anyone can throw money at a problem.  There is no real emotion or vulnerability there. You want to give her something that you haven’t been forthcoming with before to show you that you really are trying.

For example, if you haven’t exactly been giving her your undivided attention or time before the affair, that is a good place to start. Come right home from work. Cook dinner for her or take her out. And listen intently to whatever she has to say. Make her feel really heard and really understood. In truth, she wants to feel special to you. And just spending money to buy her something doesn’t accomplish this. What accomplishes this is your putting in an obvious amount of time and effort just toward her.

This is harder than it sounds. Because when she is angry with you, it can be hard to keep right on trying to be loving and patient when it feels as if all she ever does is to push you away. It can be hard to keep picking yourself up and to keep right on trying every time she rejects you. But this is what you must do if you think that she is worth the effort

Say And Do Things To Make Her Believe That She Is Beautiful In Your Eyes: As a wife you has been through this, I can tell you why she is so mad. Part of it is that she is so hurt. And that she is doubting herself. She sees that young girl and she knows that it is hard for her to compete because no matter what she does, she can not turn back time and be that age again. She lives in a society with youth and beauty are valued greatly. She worries that since you have already cheated on her, you can’t possibly find her as alluring as the woman who you have cheated with.

If this isn’t true and if your wife has it all wrong, then you have to go well out of your way to demonstrate this to her on a very regular basis. You don’t want to overdo it so that you are saying things that sound insincere. But you want to take notice about things that you can be truthful about. If you’re suddenly noticing that your wife has the most beautiful, warm smile, then you want to tell her that. You want to really look at her and you want for her to see genuine appreciation on your face.

Here’s the truth. We can generally tell when you are faking it. We may have our doubts, but honestly, they are mostly based on ourselves and our worries that we are not good enough.

But, if you keep delivering the message, we may begin to believe what you are saying when we begin to feel better about ourselves. And this leads me to my last tip. Encourage your wife to do anything that helps her to feel good about herself. Now, you have to be very careful here. If she says she needs to lose weight, you don’t want to whole heartedly agree that she should go on a diet. You always want to tell her that she is beautiful to you. But, you also want to encourage her to be free to do whatever she feels is necessary to feel confident in herself. This may include counseling, improvements in appearance or clothing, or anything else that may seem silly to you but may be a big deal to her.

Because the better she feels about herself, the more likely she is going to be to love herself so that she can believe you when you tell her that she is lovable and that you want to stay together. I know this first hand.  I had to work on myself before I could believe that my husband truly still loved me.  And his support while I did this was invaluable and noticed.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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