Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

One of the common concerns that I hear from wives whose husbands have had an affair is whether he will end up having a long term relationship with (or even end up marrying) the woman with whom he was cheating. Often, the husband seems to be quite infatuated with the other woman and the wife wants to know if this is just a passing phase or if this relationship is going to one that actually lasts.

I often hear comments like “my husband has been having an affair for the past few months. He isn’t sure if he wants to save our marriage or if he wants to stay with the other woman. She seems to have some sort of power over him and he doesn’t seem willing to give her up right now. Is there any chance that he will be with this woman for the long term or that he would actually marry her? Is there any chance my kids might one day call this woman their step mother? Because the thought of this just turns my stomach.”

I have a definite opinion on this, but I wanted to see if I could find any statistics or studies to support my opinion. I was able to find one study which indicated marriage rates after an affair and another which showed divorce rates (of those people who did end up marrying the person they cheated with).

Statistics On How Many Relationships That Start Out As An Affair End In Marriage: I was able to find one study that looked at this specific issue. The researchers followed married businessmen who had affairs. Of those men who were followed, only 3 percent ended up marrying the woman with whom they had an affair later. That’s a pretty low number and it didn’t really surprise me because, from my observations on my blog, the number of affairs that end up being very long term are relatively low.

I found another study where a psychiatrist looked at the divorce rate for men who did end up marrying the other woman. Only 25 percent of those couples stayed together after the marriage. 75 percent ended up eventually getting a divorce. The reasons suggested for this high divorce rate included distrust of the other person, a general distrust of marriage in general, guilt, and disappointment with the reality of the relationship when compared with the previous fantasy of the relationship.

My Take On These Statistics: Why I Think Many Relationships That Start As Affairs Are Usually Destined To Fail: These figures don’t surprise me all that much. I know that many husbands feel as if they’ve found the perfect person for them when they have an affair. And we’re sometimes bombarded with media images of celebrities who meet on movie sets and have instant chemistry and think they’ve fallen in love and can’t be without one another – whether both are married or not. There can be a romantic or fantasy notion about affairs that are hard to overcome.

But in reality and in every day life, these relationships have a lot stacked against them. They are based on deceit, fantasy, and quite often, guilt. And once these two get married, they often find out that the reality isn’t quite as alluring as the fantasy was.

There often is quite a lot of suspicion and unease also. After all, if you cheated with your spouse when they were married, what is to keep them from cheating on you during your marriage also? Sure, every one wants to think that they are “special” or “different” but as time passes, doubts will often set in.

And although many wives don’t believe this, the other woman or the mistress can be very insecure about the husband’s first wife or previous family. Many wives don’t believe that she can sometimes feel doubt or wonder if she too will become second best, but it is true.

That’s not to say that no relationships that start as affairs make it or become lasting. Obviously, a few do. But often no one knows this in the beginning and people often make up their minds and see the truth only over time. That’s why I don’t advocate making assumptions or acting on fear.

How To Handle It If You’re Obsessing Over Or Worrying About Your Husband Marrying The Other Woman: I know that this is an extremely difficult situation. It’s very hard to watch your husband act so silly about someone else – especially when you know that he’s seeing someone who doesn’t even really exist in reality.

And I know that you probably sometimes want to point this out to him, lash out, or become so angry that you throw up your hands. But once you do something that you regret, you can’t take it back. If you are really sure that you still want your husband and want to save your marriage (and there is nothing wrong with taking your time to determine this,) then you are often in a better position if you just allow this relationship to run its course.

As you can see from the statistics, the odds are not good for your husband and the other woman. So often, you really don’t need to do anything but wait and conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. It’s a good idea to focus on your own healing in the meantime. That way, when your husband realizes that he was wrong and incredibly silly, you will be stronger, healthier, and better able to make important decisions.

Does this mean that you let him have a relationship with both you and the other woman? I can’t answer that for you. I do think that it puts you in a better position when you don’t allow yourself to be in the middle of a love triangle. My take on this is to suggest that he take the time he obviously needs and you’ll be working on yourself in the meantime.

Because once your husband eventually comes to his senses, you will want to be in best strategic position as is possible. And right now, in my opinion, it’s better to think in the long term. Because frankly, statistically speaking, your being with your husband for the long term is more likely than him being with the other woman, although it may not appear that way right now.