What Can I Do To Make My Husband Think His Mistress Is Cheating On Him?
By: Katie Lersch: I can’t think of many things that are quite as hurtful as knowing your husband has relationship with someone else, and – worse – is in no hurry to end it. He will often claim that he loves both women and can’t bear to let one go. Needless to say, many wives in this situation understandably are looking for a strategy to end the affair. Many consider a plan that will break them up. Sometimes, a necessary component of this plan is to do something to make the other woman seem less than desirable. One option would be if she were cheating.
To that end, a wife might say: “I am trying to determine the best way to get my husband to think that his other woman is cheating on him. There have been times when I knew my husband was so close to breaking it off with her. But she seems to have some sort of hold over him. He keeps saying that he needs time, but he will not end the relationship. And he doesn’t seem to want to end our marriage either. I think if he could somehow get mad at her for something, that would do it and we could go on with our lives. I’ve tried showing him that she’s only out for his money, but she seems to sense this and then she will stop asking for things. This weekend, I was out with a friend and I actually saw the other woman at a restaurant with another man. They were laughing and they looked like more than friends. I got excited, but my friend told that this was the other woman’s childhood friend. She says that they’ve been friends for years and that there is nothing romantic between them. I honestly wish I’d taken photos of them to suggest to my husband that she is cheating on him. How can I make him think she’s cheating so that the affair will end? I’m considering hiring someone to take photos.”
Let’s assume for a second that you might see the two of them out again – with your camera ready and focused. Let’s even assume that you get a good picture. Do you know for sure that your husband hasn’t already met this man? What if your husband knows exactly who he is? What if you show him the photo with the story of the other woman cheating and it backfires big time because your husband knows that you are lying? He will then be able to see exactly what you are trying to do. Sure, you could pretend that it was an honest mistake and that you legitimately thought she was cheating, but it’s risky. And, there’s also a chance that even if your husband believes you initially, he will question her and she’ll be able to prove he’s just a friend and that it’s your husband she wants. This could even bring them closer together.
I know that not everyone agrees with me, but I almost never think it’s a good idea to focus on the other woman. Because what you really want is for your husband to willingly end the affair so that you can rebuild the trust and restore your marriage. If they break up only because you’ve fooled him into thinking she’s cheating, will you ever feel that trust? Can you ever really be secure? Will you feel that he legitimately chose you?
I know that it is hard to just watch and wait. I know that this feels like you are doing nothing when your marriage is on the line. But it’s my experience that this type of manipulation and dishonesty almost always comes back to haunt you. As hard as it might be, I feel it’s best to wait until you can legitimately say that you both chose to save the marriage because it is legitimately what you wanted.
Saving a marriage after an affair is tricky. It requires both people’s full commitment and effort. I’m not sure that you will have that from him if he’s only there because he has come to believe something which he may later find out to be untrue.
It would be fair for you to think: “well, I know that’s it’s dishonest to make him think she’s cheating, but she didn’t fight fair when it came to me. She was certainly dishonest when she cheated with my husband. Why do I have to have integrity when she doesn’t?”
I understand the argument. I’ve had these thoughts myself. But a relationship that started as an affair has horrible odds of succeeding. The odds are stacked against it from the very beginning. So, there’s a good chance that this is not going to end very happily for the other woman. The odds of her riding off in the sunset with your husband for the long term are not good. My point is, there’s a very good chance that in the future, her lack of integrity will not pay off.
But you have enough to worry about. Let that go. Let the universe worry about karma. Focus on your own recovery. Hope that your husband does the right thing, but know that you can not control him. You can’t force decisions on him. But if you conduct yourself with integrity, you can have some confidence that in the end, people eventually show their true colors. You generally do not have to manipulate anything to make this happen. It will happen on it’s own. And if you try to force it, then you sometimes bring that negativity back your way, which you don’t need or deserve.
I know that you just want her out of your life. But you can choose to minimize her place in your life by focusing on yourself. I firmly believe that placing your focus on healing is the quickest way to feel better and more in control. And once he comes back around, you are in a better place. At least that was my experience. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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