What Concessions Are Fair After One Spouse Cheats?
By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are struggling to come up with some sort of compromise after one of them cheated or had an affair. Often, the faithful spouse wants to see some drastic concessions in order to begin to reestablish the trust. But the cheating spouse can sometimes feel that they are being punished or that their privacy is being invaded.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me while at an out of town seminar. I am extremely close to kicking him out of the house. I don’t want to lose my marriage. But he doesn’t seem willing to work with me. I want to put a GPS on his car. I want access to his phone. I want to be able to check his social networking sites. In short, I don’t want him to be able to hide anything from me. And that means that I need to have open access to him. I also need to be able to drop by his work anytime so that I know he’s not still carrying on with her. But he says that none of this is going to work because I am acting like I am his mother and that is no way to run a marriage. What are fair concessions for me to demand?”
Before I answer these questions, I have to tell you that I am in way objective about this. I was a wife who was cheated on also, so my opinions will almost always somewhat favor the faithful spouse. With that said, I think that most people can agree that a cheating spouse is going to need to make some concessions if he expects for his spouse to eventually want to trust him again. So below, I’ll tell you what I believe are necessary (and fair) concessions.
No Contact With The Other Person: I really think that this is non negotiable. I see so many marriages struggle because the cheating spouse is still somehow connected to or in touch with the other person. Sometimes, they will tell their spouse that they need “closure” or sometimes they will insist that the relationship is no longer inappropriate, but neither of these excuses ring true for me.
I know that when it comes to work, sometimes you have to work closely with others, but I believe that the cheating spouse should make every effort to get a transfer so that they do not have to work with the other person. Because honestly, you can’t expect for your spouse to want to trust you again if they know that you are still seeing the other person. That is just too much to ask. If you are going to ask your spouse to put aside their pain and try to save your marriage, then you need to do your part and cut off all contact with the other person.
No Putting Yourself In Situations That Would Be Potentially Risky: This husband traveled on business quite a bit. Needless to say, every time he traveled in the near future, the wife was going to worry if he was being faithful. When a marriage becomes damaged by infidelity, sometimes it can not withstand risks like this one. So, I would suggest that the wife go with him on business if it was at all possible or that he make a point of checking in enough so that the wife would know that he wasn’t doing anything inappropriate.
There are several known risks for infidelity. Business trips, bars, parties, and excessive work are among some of the more common. If you have cheated on your spouse, then it only makes sense that you are going to avoid all of these types of risks so that your spouse doesn’t need to worry.
Allow Your Spouse To Check In Within Reason: Frankly, I agree that your spouse should have temporary access to your personal accounts, if you have used the same to carry out cheating. In other words, if this husband used social media to hook up with the other woman, then the wife should be able to check that for herself. I know that it feels like an invasion of privacy. I know that it is awkward for both parties. But I believe that suspicions and doubt are worse for your marriage than this temporary invasion of privacy. Once your marriage has recovered, the idea is that you will no longer need to do this. But until the trust is restored, then you can’t blame your spouse for wanting this type of reassurance.
I would always encourage you to try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. If your spouse cheated on you on a business trip in a hotel, would you be happy to allow them to take another similar trip any time soon? Of course not. This is just common sense. And yet, many people don’t see this when it comes to their own lives. You have to understand that if you cheated on your spouse, then you yourself have given them a legitimate reason to want and need to make concessions. Unfortunately, that has become necessary because of your mistake. That doesn’t mean that the concessions will always be necessary. But they are often necessary in the beginning and, if you truly want to save your marriage, it’s often in your best interest to agree to them.
I will admit that I required a lot of concessions from my husband in the time period right after his affair. I felt that every one of them was necessary, but I no longer need them today. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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