Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I find that, depending on who you are talking to, you will get a different take on who was the pursuer in the affair. Sometimes, the other woman’s family and friends assume that the husband was the aggressor in the affair. Sometimes, the other man’s wife will assume that it was the other woman who initiated the inappropriate contact.

Let’s say you were to hear from the other woman’s husband. You might hear a comment like: “I am pretty sure that the other man would have had to trick my wife into cheating. We have a wonderful family life. My wife is very conservative and is the kind of woman who rarely does anything wrong or dishonest. She is the type of person who would head up the lost and found if she found a dollar bill on the floor, even if she was already in a hurry. So I believe that the other man must have given her some outlandish song and dance in order to entice her to cheat. What must he  have said to her in order to get her to cheat?”

I even hear variations on this from the faithful wife sometimes. An example is: “I know the other woman from church. I was so shocked when I found out that she was the one my husband has cheated with. I can’t imagine how my husband would have gotten her to cheat with him. He must have told her something awful about his life or about me. What kind of claims must a husband make in order to get a perfectly nice woman to cheat with him?”

It’s Not Always The Husband Who Is The Instigator, Although It Sometimes Is: I will answer both of these concerns in just a moment. But, before I do, I have to tell you that it’s a mistake to always assume that it is the man who is the aggressor. This is sometimes the case, but it is most definitely not always the case. There are times when it is the other woman who pursues the husband. And there are times when neither is doing the pursuing. They just find themselves thrown into an unplanned situation where they are together.

I am certainly not trying to defend anyone here.  I was the faithful spouse so it’s not my inclination to defend people who cheat.  I know that it sounds so lame to hear a cheating spouse say “no one planned it. But it just happened.” Sometimes though, they really are telling you the truth as they see it when they make this claim.

When Cheating Husband Lie To Get The Other Woman To Cheat With Them: With all of this said, sometimes, the cheating husband does paint an untrue picture when starting an affair. I hear from many husbands in this situation and I also sometimes hear from the “other woman.” It’s often clear that the husband will paint the picture of a cold relationship that is a marriage in name only. Some married men will actually claim to be separated when they are anything but separated.

He will also tell her that his marriage is troubled when the wife could certainly tell you a different story. He might tell you that he is considering a separation or a divorce when the wife hasn’t heard anything about this. And he may tell you that he is no longer sleeping with his wife when he most definitely is. Finally, I’ve had many women who are the “other woman” tell me that the man didn’t even tell her that he was married. He presented himself as a single man.

Why People Sometimes Would Prefer To Stay In The Dark: This is pretty common knowledge. Most people know that men and women can and do say what they need to say in order to get what they want. And yet, women fall for this all of the time. They believe what the husband is telling them because they want to believe it. And quite honestly, they have reasons that they want to stay in the dark. Actually both the husband and the other woman have very strong reasons to operate outside of reality.

If both parties know that this man is betraying a loyal and loving wife and that he has a family with whom he is still very much a part of, then it is much harder to justify and carry out the cheating. But if you believe that he is single or separated, or that he is married but living in a troubled marriage that may soon end, then it is easier to go ahead and begin a relationship.

Again, having said all of this, I believe that it can be a mistake to assume that it is always the man or the husband who is the aggressor. It must definitely is isn’t. The other woman is sometimes the pursuer. And sometimes, neither party is actively pursuing the other. But the affair happens anyway.

I completely understand wanting to get all of the information that you can about how and why the affair happened.  Just be careful that you don’t get so stuck on this topic that you can’t move on. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I navigated many challenges after his affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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