What Does His Guilt Look Like After An Affair?
I often hear from wives who want reassurance that their husband feels guilt and sorrow after his affair. This is very important to most of us because we know that guilt can be a very motivating emotion. If his guilt is eating him up inside, then perhaps he will hesitate and remember this feeling when he is tempted to cheat again. However, many cheating spouses play their emotions very close to the chest after an affair. They will often become very quiet, introverted, and even secretive. They aren’t sure of what is the right thing to say or do, so they do not say very much. This will often cause wives to question if they are sincere about their guilt.
A wife might ask, “what might my husband look like if he is guilty after his affair? He says that he is sorry and that the guilt is tearing him up. However, his behavior doesn’t really fit with that. If I had cheated on him and had hurt him in the way that he hurt me, I would hardly be able to function. I am serious. I would be crying all of the time. My husband has teared up a couple of times when we discussed the affair, but for the most part he acts stoic. Sometimes, he actually acts jovial. When I confront him about this, he says that he is by no means happy, but he is trying to cheer me up and lighten the mood. I will tell him that he’s not necessarily acting like someone who is as guilty as he claims to be and his response to me is to ask whether I want him to walk around with a scarlet letter on his chest. It’s very frustrating. He says that he is both sorry and guilty. I so badly want to believe that. I need to believe that or I’m not sure about my marriage. But he just isn’t acting in the way that I would act in his shoes. My guilt would be so obvious and transparent. What should his guilt look like? What signs am I missing?”
Displays Of Guilt Vary Depending On The Person: Honestly, people display their guilt in very different ways. And quite often, people caught having an affair are extremely guarded with their emotions. They know that you are watching them very closely. They know that they are walking on thin ice. And, they aren’t quite sure how to act. Like your husband, they may be putting on a happy-looking face when in reality, they’re dying a little inside. Or, they may feel horribly guilty, but they’re trying to downplay things because they don’t want to draw out the pain. They won’t want for you to see their weakness and then to pounce.
It’s always very hard to tell what someone is feeling by the way that they look and act, especially if they are trying to spare you the worry or are trying to downplay things. This is not the same situation, but here’s an example. This morning my son had a competition and he and I were both extremely nervous about it. I didn’t want to worry him though, so I told jokes and tried to be upbeat. I completely changed the subject and talked about other things – as though the outcome of his competition didn’t matter to me at all. To be clear, I didn’t care about my son’s performance, but I cared very much that he was so worried about it. So I wanted him to have a good outcome and this caused anxiety that I desperately tried to hide. Hopefully, my son bought it. He seemed to because he visibly relaxed. But if he could have heard the thoughts in my mind, he would have heard, “please please please let this be okay. Please let all of his hard work pay off.”
His Behaviors Offer More Clues Of Guilt Than Anything Else: You can’t hear your husband’s thoughts. You can’t feel his feelings. So the best that you can do is to watch closely, as you are already doing. He won’t always show you his feelings by his expressions or body language. But, over time, he will show you with his actions. What I mean by that is that a man who is truly guilty is going to go out of way to treat his wife with care and to behave in such a way that you don’t need to be suspicious of him. (At least this should be true once he realizes that is what he must do, since you won’t allow him to downplay the affair.) He will come home from work on time. He will leave his cell phone on the table so that this is something that you don’t need to worry about. He will go out his way to make you feel valued. He will be patient with you when you struggle to deal with the affair.
In short, you will be able to tell that he regrets and feels guilty about what he did because he will make an effort to try to fix it. Admittedly, sometimes, men don’t know how to fix it, so their attempts will be clumsy and awkward. But they should still try. Because most people don’t know how to address or fix this, counseling or self help can be quite helpful and can also help to elicit those confessions or feelings of guilt that you are looking for. I know that we all want to see our spouse so guilty that he’s barely able to function normally, but this is just not going to be what you see from everyone, although a good counselor or good self help can help to draw it out. Some people are good at hiding their feelings and others are trying to shield you from it. Their actions will often be a better source of information, especially the actions that happen consistently and over time. It’s easy to make promises when you are caught in an affair. It is harder to carry them out over weeks and months.
I know exactly how you feel. There were times when I wanted for my husband to be a blubbering mess. And, those guilt feelings did display themselves over time. I just had to learn when and how to look. Plus, we both needed some healing before we felt safe sharing our true, vulnerable feelings. We both postured in the beginning. We were both trying to get the upper hand, at least at first. You can read about how we finally made it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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