Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By Katie Lersch: When you find out your husband has cheated, it’s like your entire world tilts. One moment you think you know your life, your marriage, your partner—and the next, everything feels uncertain. You may find yourself asking, Who is this person I married? What does this mean for us? And more painfully… what’s wrong with me?

First, I want you to hear this loud and clear: nothing about your reaction makes you “too emotional,” “too sensitive,” or “crazy.” What you’re feeling is very likely a normal, understandable, human response to a horrible betrayal. You’re reacting to something that shakes your foundation to its core. And that deserves compassion—especially from yourself. If you can’t provide that to yourself, no one else will. You need to be your best advocate right now.

Over the years, I’ve connected with many women who’ve faced this same devastation. And while every woman’s experience is unique, there are some incredibly common emotional reactions. Knowing what others in this situation have experienced can help you feel a little less alone.

1. Shock and Disbelief: Even if part of you suspected something was off – even if you pushed it down, the confirmation still hits like a freight train. It’s not unusual to feel like you are watching someone else’s life with disbelief because you always thought this couldn’t happen to you.

This stage often feels numb. Your body might be functioning on autopilot, but your brain is struggling to process the reality. You feel like you are in a fog or walking through quicksand. That’s normal. Infidelity is not just a breach of trust—it’s a trauma. And shock is the brain’s natural way of protecting you in the beginning.

2. Rage — Sometimes Tinged With Anger, Sometimes Tinged With Cold: Anger is one of the most common and intense emotions that comes after cheating. It might feel explosive, or it might simmer underneath. You might be furious at him. And feel like you physically strike someone. Or you may get very quiet and feel like you just can’t feel anything at all.

Please know this: your anger, your rage, or your numbness are all valid. You’ve been hurt, betrayed, blindsided – and maybe lied to. The important thing isn’t to deny the anger—but to find healthy outlets for it so it doesn’t consume you or lead to choices you regret. That doesn’t mean you have to sidetrack things you need to address to avoid the anger, but it does mean that you should find ways to take care of yourself to offer some balance to keep your sanity.

3. Deep, Soul-Level Hurt: Underneath the anger, there’s usually a sadness that is so profound and deep, it can’t be put into words. A feeling of loss—not just of trust, but of the version of your life you thought you had. It’s like a death you can’t explain to anyone but those who’ve been there. You feel like you’ve lost something that you assumed would always be yours.

This kind of hurt often comes in waves. One minute you feel somewhat steady, maybe even hopeful. The next, you’re sobbing in the grocery store because a song came on. That’s normal. Don’t judge yourself for it. Never apologize for it.

4. Obsession and Intrusive Thoughts: Many women are surprised by how fixated their mind becomes. Even if you are normally a very rational and calm person, you may constantly replay what happened, wonder what you missed, imagine their conversations, or even picture them together. You may find yourself checking his phone, his email, his social media. You may find yourself doing these things in a loop – even when you know they are hurting you and you should stop.

This isn’t you being “weak” or “paranoid.” It’s your brain trying to make sense of a violation. It’s trying to protect you from ever being blindsided again. Over time, this obsessive loop does quiet down—but in the early stages, it’s common and, frankly, it feels awful.

5. Self-Doubt and Insecurity: You may start to question everything—your appearance, your worth, your role in the marriage. Even women who are beautiful, successful, and deeply loving find themselves thinking, Was I not enough? You may wonder where you went wrong. Or what you could have done differently.

Please believe me: his cheating says everything about his choices and nothing about your value. Don’t let yourself go there – ever. Even in a struggling marriage (and you may not have been,) infidelity is a choice he made. And no matter what problems existed, cheating was not the solution. You are still enough. And your marriage could have been perfect, and you still might have been there – because of HIS shortcomings, not yours.

6. Confusion About What to Do Next: Should you leave? Should you stay and try to work it out? Can you ever trust him again? These questions don’t come with easy answers. And it’s okay not to know yet. Many women feel torn between love and pain, hope and fear.

This limbo is uncomfortable, but it’s a natural part of the process. Don’t rush your decision just to escape the pain. Give yourself time. The answers will become clearer when the initial emotions settle a bit and you have time to see how he’s going to act and what he is willing to do moving forward. His actions tomorrow are just as important as his actions in the past.

7. Embarrassment and Isolation: Infidelity often comes with a deep sense of shame—even though you did nothing wrong. You might not want to tell friends or family. You might worry about being judged, pitied, or told what to do. Frankly, I suggest being careful who you tell. Because you don’t want to be forced to talk about this endlessly if you don’t want to.

But you DO want to have someone or somewhere that you can vent. Even if it’s only a journal if that is what makes you most comfortable.

8. Moments of Strength You Didn’t Expect: This may surprise you, but it happens more than you’d think. Amid the devastation, many women experience moments where they realize just how strong they are. You might find yourself calmly setting a boundary, or doing something brave you didn’t think you could. You might find yourself checking him with confidence.

These moments don’t cancel out the pain—but they are glimpses of the woman who’s still in there, fighting. The one who will eventually find her footing again because she deserves nothing less. Even if right now, that feels impossible.

A Combination Of All Of These Because Your Thoughts Are So Scattered: If you’re feeling all over the place—furious one day, numb the next, weeping at night, then oddly hopeful by morning—you are not crazy. You are grieving. You are beginning the processing and then the healing process, even if doesn’t feel like. You are doing the best you can in a situation you never asked for.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, without judgment. Don’t rush to be “over it.” This is your timeline, and your journey. Never let anyone pressure you to feel something that you don’t or shame you into hiding feelings that you actually have.

I felt all of these things. But guess what? I healed. I came out the other side. And I am still married. If you want to read about how I did that, I explain it https://surviving-the-affair.com

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