Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I once spoke with a wife who had found out that very same day that her husband had cheated on her and had an affair. He had confessed this himself and then immediately told her that it was his wish to salvage the marriage. Needless to say, the wife hadn’t had any time to process any of this yet, but she wanted some guidance as to what she might expect going forward.

She asked, in part: “What can I expect in terms of my marriage and myself moving forward? What happens to a marriage after a husband’s affair? Will it ever be the same between us? Can I just look forward to a damaged marriage that is barely hanging on? Am I going to be one of those resentful and bitter wives whose mission in life is to make her husband guilty, miserable, but faithful? It seems like there isn’t a whole lot to look forward to in the days to come. What can I expect? And when does it get better, if it ever does?”

The truth is that what happens to you, your husband, and your marriage after he cheats and has an affair depends on many different factors, and many of these factors are up to both of you. Some marriages go through negative changes and struggle to recover. And some actually improve. Some fall somewhere in between but eventually recover after the people involved have some time and obtain some tools for healing. I will discuss this more in the following article.

The Bad Things That Can Happen To A Marriage After Someone Cheats Or Has An Affair: Most of us know couples where one spouse cheated and the marriage never really recovered. Both people have sort of resigned themselves to a cold marriage that is defined by resentment, suspicion, and pain. And, frankly, this can be a natural reaction to a very challenging situation.

It’s normal for the faithful spouse to wonder if it would be wise to trust their spouse again. It’s understandable to feel anger and even bitterness. It’s just human nature to be suspicious and to put your guard up if someone has hurt you – especially because of infidelity. 

When the faithful spouse has these reactions, then the cheating spouse will sometimes respond with their own brand of frustration – even when they know they were wrong and that this is all their fault.

After all, it’s no fun to know that you are never going to be trusted again and will have to look into your spouse’s doubt-filled eyes and feel their resentment-filled hugs, and dodge their anger for the rest of your life (even when you understand that you deserve it.)

So what you get in marriages like this is that both people are desperately unhappy within the marriage and they don’t see any way out of it. Because there’s no way to undo the affair. It’s done and it isn’t going to change. The only way around it is to change the fallout, which for many marriages, is very difficult. But this isn’t the case for all marriages.

The Good Things (Or Improvements) That Can Happen To A Marriage After Infidelity, Cheating, Or An Affair: Many people assume that only bad changes befall a marriage after someone has been unfaithful. But, this isn’t always the case.

Some marriages actually strengthen after an affair. This often doesn’t happen without a great deal of effort and determination on the part of both spouses, but it does happen quite regularly. Both people have usually seen the damaged marriages that I talked about before and they are committed to making sure that this doesn’t happen to them. 

They just don’t want to live this way. They decide that the only way they are going to stay married is if they can make sure that it’s a happy and healthy one. That’s not to say that the resentment, the issues, or the anger just magically goes away because the couple commits to the marriage. But, this commitment does make the process easier and more likely to be successful.

Because both people are often committed to rebuilding from the ground up rather than just putting a band-aid on the problem and pretending that everything’s fine when it is not. You shouldn’t gloss over the issues and the pain, but you absolutely can work through them. And when you do, you often find that you are closer as a result.

Most people don’t blink an eye when they hear a couple say that stressors in their marriage (like a job loss or an illness) actually brought them closer because they had to pull together and rely on each other. 

Honestly, an affair can be like that. You have to work together, take yourself out of the equation, and go through the process because you don’t want to just let your marriage, your happiness, and your sense of well-being change because of one thing that happened within it. 

As a result, you’ll often find that you no longer take things for granted, that you pay attention and listen more, that you criticize less, and that, despite your doubts, you open your heart. I understand that if you are at the beginning of the recovery process, you might doubt what I’m saying. 

But I assure you that this is true for many couples who are serious about recovery and who seek out the tools to ensure it.

Deciding Which Type Of Marriage You Want After Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful: Often when I explain this process to people, some of them have doubts. I hear things like “You make it sound so simple, as if you just decide that your marriage will survive the affair and then you make it so.”

It’s really not that simple. It’s not a matter of just making a decision and expecting everything to fall into place. It’s a matter of weighing things carefully, taking some time, then making a decision and following that up with decisive and constant action until that decision becomes your reality.

Yes, the process is difficult and painful sometimes. But frankly, living within a damaged marriage is potentially a lifetime of difficulty and pain. I’d rather take these things for the short term and ensure true recovery so that the pain eventually ends. 

With this said, I know that in some cases, couples conclude that healing from the affair just isn’t going to be possible for them. That’s a valid conclusion as well, but sometimes you don’t know this until enough time and healing attempts have passed to make that call.

I had to go through this process when trying to maintain my own marriage after my husband’s affair.  And yes, perhaps it was my own determination that got us through sometimes.  But our marriage made it, although this was a hard-fought victory.  If it helps, you can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

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