Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I can’t tell you how often I get from wives who say something like, “I’ve tried so hard to forgive him, but I just can’t do it. What’s wrong with me? I don’t think I will ever come out the other side.” It breaks my heart a little every time I hear those words.

Because I get it. I’ve been there. I remember looking at my husband after his affair – even weeks and months later – and trying to force myself to feel forgiveness. And still coming up empty. And then feeling guilty for that emptiness, as though I was failing as a wife—or even as a person. I thought that maybe if I were a bigger – and better – person, I could beat this.

If that’s where you are right now, let me stop you right there: There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re human. And you shouldn’t be beating yourself up right now. Please don’t.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Have a Deadline (And You Don’t Owe It to Anyone:) Let’s just get this out in the open—there’s a lot of pressure on wives to “get over it” or “to heal” quickly and to forgive even the worst betrayal fast. Sometimes that pressure comes from your husband. Sometimes from well-meaning friends or family. And sometimes? It’s coming from you. And no wonder. Everyone wants to feel normal. No one wants to continuously function outside of their comfort zone.

We tell ourselves that if we were stronger, better, more “mature,” we’d be able to forgive and move on. But here’s the thing: forgiveness after an affair isn’t just a box you check so you can move forward. It’s not a switch you flip. It’s a process. And sometimes, that process takes a while. And you know what else? That’s okay. Because if you rush it and try to make it happen on someone else’s timeline, you are shortchanging YOURSELF. You don’t deserve that after what you have been through.

You Can Start Healing Without Forgiving (Yet:) This one surprises people sometimes, but it’s true: You don’t have to wait for forgiveness to start feeling better. You can begin rebuilding your life, your confidence, and even your marriage without having to offer full forgiveness right away. I know that might sound strange, but I lived it.

I started seeing progress between us—little moments of connection, small signs of hope—long before I was actually able to say, “I forgive you.” And that progress helped me get there, eventually.

You can totally take a “wait and see” approach while you’re figuring out what forgiveness might look like for you. That doesn’t mean you’re not committed. It means you’re cautious. And honestly? You have every right to be.

Basically, you can side-step the final step while you are making progress. There is nothing wrong with this. You get to make the rules. It is your healing. And you can do it in the way it feels most comfortable and doable.

Not Sure Why You Can’t Forgive? You’re Not Alone: Sometimes I hear from wives who say the affair happened a long time ago—months, even years—but they still haven’t forgiven. And it’s not because they don’t want to. Many of them really do. They just can’t seem to get there, no matter how hard they try.

If that sounds familiar, I’d gently suggest asking yourself what might still be missing. Here are some thoughts:

• Do you feel like your husband isn’t genuinely sorry?

• Has he taken real responsibility—or is he still defensive? Does he still make excuses? Does he still deflect?

• Do you feel safe and loved in the relationship now? Do you feel prioritized and cherished? Has he taken responsibility to make sure you do?

• Have you had a chance to rebuild yourself, not just the marriage?

Because here’s the truth: sometimes we can’t forgive because something important hasn’t been addressed yet. That doesn’t mean you’re holding a grudge. It means your gut is telling you the healing isn’t finished.

And that gut feeling? It’s worth listening to. It is trying to help you get exactly what you need. It’s telling you that there’s something you don’t yet have – that you still need.  Accept nothing less.

You Set the Pace (Not Him, Not Anyone Else:) I know it’s tempting to let other people’s opinions guide you. Especially if your husband is saying things like, “Can’t we just move on already?” Or friends are hinting that it’s time to let it go.

But the reality is: they’re not the ones who were betrayed. They aren’t the ones who have to live with this mess. They’re not the ones picking up the pieces. You are.

So you get to decide how fast or slow you move. You get to decide when (or if) forgiveness happens. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking your time.

You’re allowed to say, “I’m not ready yet. But I’m still here. I’m still trying. And that counts for something.” And frankly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation or a defense. It’s not their business. They don’t get to go inside of your head unless you invite them.

My Forgiveness Took Time. I Made No Apologies: If you had told me two years ago that I’d ever forgive my husband, I probably would’ve laughed—or cried. I just couldn’t see it. I wanted to. I tried to. But it wasn’t there yet. I was furious quite a bit of the time. It took time. It took work. It took a lot of conversations and even more silence.

But eventually, something shifted. Not overnight. Not dramatically. Just slowly, over time. And one of the biggest was a focus on myself. On my listening to my own voice telling me what I needed and to accept nothing less. I had to be strong so I was no longer operating from a place of weakness and apology.

And now? Our marriage is actually stronger than it was before the affair (but more on that later.) I never thought I’d be able to say that, but it’s true. And I say that to give you hope—not pressure. You don’t have to be there today. You don’t even have to believe you’ll ever be there. You just have to take the next step, whatever that is for you.

You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers Today: If you’re feeling stuck right now—if you’re frustrated that you can’t forgive even though you want to—I just want you to hear this: You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just doing it honestly. You’re respecting yourself enough not to fake it or to rush yourself.

Give yourself grace. Give yourself time. Accept nothing less than what you deserve.

If you want to read more about how I navigated all of this (and the ugly, messy middle parts too), you can check out my story at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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