What Is The Other Woman Feeling Since My Husband Came Back To Me?
By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common for me to hear from women who are still very concerned with the woman with whom their husband cheated. Often, they are fully aware that they should not be thinking or worrying about her, but this is easier said than done. Sometimes, the thoughts just pop into your head before you can help yourself and this can be true even if your husband has ended the relationship.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband became very romantically involved with his assistant. They got so serious that he moved out of our home to go and live with her. I guess he thought he was in love with her. And I assume that she was just as serious about him. Well, after living with her for about three months, my husband called me and asked if he could come back home. He said he realized that the relationship did not have a future and he was so remorseful for jeopardizing his marriage to me. Because of my kids and because I missed him like crazy, I took him back. He told me that the other woman abruptly quit her job. He said she didn’t give him any details and he has no idea where she is now or what she is doing. He said he doesn’t know how she feels about the situation and he keeps stressing that this is no longer his concern. I know she’s still at her house because I saw her car there the other night with the lights on. The thing is, I keep wondering what she is thinking. There are times when I don’t care about her feelings because she obviously knew that my husband was married. And there are other times when I feel almost sorry for her because I’ve read her letters to my husband and I know that she was very invested and thought that they were going to have a future together. My husband does not want me talking to her. But I can’t shut down my curiosity. Should I try to talk with her to see how she’s feeling?”
I may sound insensitive when I say this, but my answer to this question is a resounding no. I don’t think that you have any obligation to find out about her feelings. And I do not think that it is to your benefit to do so. I can’t think of any scenario where having this dialog is going to be a good idea. I do understand the curiosity though. But I think that you should distract yourself until the urge passes. I’ll outline why I believe this below.
The Feelings Of The Other Woman Vary Depending On Many Different Factors: Many wives ask me how the other woman generally feels when the affair is over. I wish I could give you a concrete answer, but I can’t. The feelings and the reaction vary greatly depending on the personality of the woman and the circumstances. I hear from some women who greatly regret the affair and are almost relieved when it was over because they felt so guilty, they had marriages or families of their own, or they never meant to hurt anyone. And then there are other women who become mad when the relationship ends and have a lot of trouble accepting that it is over. There are others who are sad and who grieve when it is over because they really had some hope or some belief that the husband was going to leave his wife for good.
Her specific reaction often depends on a combination of her personality, the intensity of the relationship, and on her perception of the future of it. Some women go into an affair knowing that nothing is ever going to come of it. They are just looking for a diversion or an outlet and they don’t really want the husband to leave his wife. Others picture themselves actually married to the husband eventually. And these are going to be the women who have the strongest reactions.
I had no way of knowing which category this other woman fell into. The wife seemed to think that she was seriously invested in the relationship. And if this is true, then it was probably more likely that she would feel sadness or anger. And this is unfortunate. But she knew that the husband was a married man when she began a romantic relationship with him. Therefore, she had to know that there was some risk that things would not end well.
Follow The Instincts That Are Telling You That Your Focus Should Be On Your Own Family: Almost without fail, the wives who ask me questions about the other woman instinctively know that their time is better spent worrying about things or people other than this woman. They know this in their minds but it is very hard to get their hearts to follow. I probably don’t need to tell you that your instincts are right. You already know this. The more you place your focus on the other woman, the less time you have for yourself and the more power you give her.
I suspect that many of us worry about her because of fear. We figure if we know how she’s feeling, this will give us an indication as to whether or not she’s still a threat. But here’s the thing. The best way to neutralize her as a threat is to strengthen your marriage so that you don’t have to worry. This is a much better plan to trying to gage how she is doing when the best strategy is to let her go and hope that she moves on.
I do understand why you are curious, but rebuilding your marriage and your family is more important right now. I admit that I had a lot of questions about the other woman also. But eventually I turned my attention away from her and this helped me substantially. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com
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