Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Of all of the issues that crop up after an affair, sexual issues are where many wives place their focus and feel the most pain. Yes, we are furious about the lies and the betrayal. But the idea of our husbands engaging in physical and intimate activity with someone else is, for many, the breaking point. It is the worst part of this terrible mess. Many wives want as much information as possible about the sex. However, husbands aren’t stupid. They know that this is your biggest issue. They also know that you aren’t exactly thinking logically, so they are fully aware that their answers are going to fuel your anger, regardless of what they say. Many wives wonder how much information they should demand and how to ensure that they get all of the truth.

Someone might say, “my husband cheated with a younger woman. But a great irony of this whole thing is that she’s pretty unattractive. Yes, she has youth on her side. But that’s about it because everyone that I ask agrees that she is homely. However, that didn’t stop my husband from carrying on a three-month affair with her. He is pretty much refusing to answer all of my questions. I am particularly interested about the sex. Because I figure that it must have been fantastic for him to carry on with her when I can’t find any redeeming qualities about her. What questions should I ask and how do I make him answer? I’ve asked about sexual positions, how often they did it, and how turned on he was. He has refused to answer all of these questions. So what can I do? And is this what I should be asking?”

I can only share my perceptions and experiences here. I wanted all of this information initially too. But I eventually changed my mind, at least a little. I talked to friends and loved ones who’ve gone through this. I talked to therapists. And I read as much as I could. I came to believe that gathering every shred of sexual information can actually hurt more than help.

Here’s why. You will get mental images in your mind that you can never erase. You will build this thing up into a big erotic fantasy when maybe it was just a quick fling. You’ll assume that you can never compete when that may not be the case.

This can make it so that if you ever want to have sex with your husband again, you won’t be able to fully and freely participate because you’ll be worrying and comparing. That said, there is plenty that you need and should know about sex. And getting the answers to these basic questions may be a good way to break the ice. Here are the questions that I think are important. Once that he answers these, you can ease into more if you still want to. 

Did You Ever Have Unprotected Sex?: This is a no-brainer. And actually, I believe that regardless of the answer, you should both be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, just to be safe. You have every right to be informed about the risks to your health. And unprotected sex definitely poses a risk to you. The answer to this question may also help you gauge how impulsive and reckless your spouse was acting during the affair. 

When Is The Last Time You Had Sex Of Any Kind?: Again, this question is meant to help you establish your risk. But it also lets you know how fresh of a situation you are dealing with. And it crosschecks whatever claim he was making about the affair being over. It also gives you the ability to see if he hesitates or calculates in any way.

Did You Feel Remorse Or Guilt After Sex? I can’t imagine any husband actually denying that he felt any hesitation after sex, but this is still a good question to ask. Some husbands will be indignant or will tell you that they “weren’t thinking at all.” And these answers can add to the information that you are collecting and will want to evaluate later.

What Did You See In Her? How Was It Different Than Us?: This is a different question than asking about sexual satisfaction and positions. 

This question may actually give you the information you truly want without putting horrible mental images in your mind. 

If your husband has any self-awareness, he may tell you that the relationship allowed for a release during a time of high stress. He may disclose that it was a confidence boost at a time of low self-esteem.  

I’m going to be blunt. It is so often not about the other woman at all. It is about what she represents. He will think that she is freedom, and fun, and confidence. Wives will often assume she had this magic combination that was rare or precious. This usually is not the case. It is that she was the one who came along when your husband was vulnerable.  WHY he was vulnerable is so much more important than WHO he was vulnerable to. 

Some men may admit that the other woman didn’t ask for anything from him. When he was with her, he did not have to deal with the mortgage or taking out the trash or child-rearing or any of the stressors that adults have to deal with. 

And he may surprise you and tell you that something that you wouldn’t have suspected, like the other woman listened to him, tried to understand him, or just allowed him to vent. 

Sometimes, it really isn’t about the sex. It really isn’t about her looks. Perhaps this woman is homely, but she may have been a wonderful listener. The truth is, no matter how often he tells you this, you will continue to have doubts until you start to heal. 

But be careful that you aren’t putting mental pictures in your head that do not allow you to heal. Yes, you need an accurate picture of the sexual landscape for your own physical safety and emotional well-being, but you don’t need to make things worse for yourself by knowing even tiny, sorted detail. 

And sometimes, the sex isn’t even what you’re assuming. It was the distraction, and the escape, that was the real draw. Not the sex itself. 

Hang in there. I know this is hard.  But you can get through this.  Do not give yourself away in this process. If it helps, you can read about how I did on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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