What Should A Husband Do To Prove That The Affair Is Over?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from couples who are dealing with remaining suspicions about an affair. Sometimes I hear from husbands who are having a hard time convincing their wives that the affair is over. From them, I often hear comments like: “I swear the affair is over. But no matter what I do or say, my wife thinks I’m lying to her. She seems to think that I’m only claiming the affair is over so that she’ll trust me again and let down her guard so I can continue cheating. This isn’t at all true. I ended the affair and I haven’t called, texted, or interacted with the other woman. This doesn’t seem to be enough. How can I convince her that the affair is over?”
Of course, there are two sides to every story. If you were to hear from the wife in this scenario, you might hear something like: “my husband swears that the affair is over, but he also swore that he wasn’t cheating in the first place and obviously he was. So he has already proven himself to be a liar and I can’t trust him. He is distant and isn’t always home when he says he’s going to be. So he can talk and make all the claims he wants, but I don’t believe him when he says the affair is over.”
Both people in the above scenario likely really believed in their own point of view. And frankly, there was no way to know if the husband had truly ended the affair without knowing more about the situation. However, there were some things that he could try to do in order to show his sincerity and truthfulness. I will discuss these things below.
Everything That Comes Out Of A Husband’s Mouth After An Affair Must Be Truthful: You must know that wives are hyper alert after their husband has an affair. They are scrutinizing every claim, every demonstration of behavior, and even your body language. It’s absolutely normal for them to question or doubt the things you say because you have been caught in a huge and hurtful lie.
That’s why it’s vital that everything you say, everything you claim, and every comment you make is truthful. And this is not limited to topics that have to do with the other woman or the affair. This includes everything that comes out of your mouth during every conversation. I sometimes have husbands complain that their wife is always looking to catch them in a lie. One husband said he accidentally mentioned having lunch with a coworker at one restaurant when he had actually gone somewhere else. The wife immediately zeroed in on this and wanted to know why he offered up the wrong restaurant. The husband said he simply misspoke, but the wife was uneasy about this little white lie.
This is not uncommon. Because when a wife catches you in little white lies, she then wonders if you’re not telling little white lies to cover up a much bigger lie – like an affair. That’s why you must be completely honest about everything from the weather, to lunch, to any interactions with the other person. You don’t want to give your wife any reason whatsoever to doubt you. If you need to think before you speak, do so because even little white lies erode the trust even further.
Make Sure That You Are Being An Affectionate, Accommodating, Attentive Husband: When your wife notices you acting cold, off, or weird, her suspicions can be raised. She’ll wonder why you are distancing yourself from her. And she might begin to theorize that your coldness or lack of interest is because you are still interested in someone else or are juggling two relationships. Being affectionate, attentive, and accommodating to your wife will go a long way toward restoring the trust. If you are showing your wife that she is your priority, she will have less reasons to question you.
Also, it’s important that you try to accommodate any request that she might have to help her heal. If she wants to seek counseling, you should willingly go. You should make every effort to provide her with what she needs. If she sees that you’re spending a lot of time making an effort to make this right, she will have less incentive to wonder where you are spending your time. Be willing to offer up proof in the form of emails and phone records if this will make your wife feel better.
Do Not Allow For Any Contact With The Other Woman: Many men in this situation admit to me that the other woman is trying to call or see them. Of course, they don’t tell their wives about this and then they wonder why their wife is getting suspicious of their behavior. You need to make absolutely sure the other woman doesn’t have inappropriate access to you. Change your cell phone number if you need to or make it clear that you will not answer or return calls and texts. Make sure that the other woman knows that it is really and truly over. Because needless to say if your wife finds out about any sort of contact, this is only going to reinforce her suspicions.
Give Her Time: Sometimes, you can do everything that I have described above and your wife still will suspect that the affair isn’t over. In this case, keep being reassuring, accountable, and affectionate and give her some time. Often, once she sees that you aren’t going anywhere and are willing to hang in there and be patient with her, she will begin to believe more of what you say. After several months, may wives will look around and still see a husband who is present, attentive, and trying very hard to save the marriage. I can speak from experience when I say it’s usually at this point that you tell yourself that this man must really want to be married to you in order to still be standing in front of you after all of the turmoil and pain. And often, wives need to literally see that as time goes by, you’re still there with her and, exactly as you promised, you didn’t have anything else to do with the other woman.
It took a while for me to trust my husband and to believe that the affair was really over. But over time, I saw that he meant every word he said and that he had the determination and integrity to hang around even when I didn’t make it very easy for him to do so. Today, I trust him completely and our marriage is very solid. If it helps you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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