What Should I Do If I Have Been Caught Cheating But Want To Stay Married?
By: Katie Lersch: Most of the audience that comes to this blog consists of faithful spouses who are trying to cope with infidelity. These folks did not cheat and, as best as they can, they are trying to heal. However, there is a small audience of people who WISH that they had remained faithful. They are the cheating spouses who deeply regret their behavior. They typically fear the consequences of their actions. They are completely aware that their spouse would have every right to end the marriage. And yet, they are desperately hoping to save it.
One of them might say, “I know that this sounds like an untrue story, but I swear that I was actually trying to break the affair off when my husband found out about it. He actually read texts where I was telling the other man that I could no longer continue on in the way that we were. Of course, we went back and forth about this so my husband doubts my sincerity. He’s more concerned about the fact that I was cheating in the first place than about me trying to end things. In fact, he’s so mad that he will barely talk to me right now. I don’t blame him. He has every right to be outraged and hurt. However, when I think about how much I have to lose right now, I am floored. There are my children, my home, my marriage, my extended family, and the fact that I still very much want my marriage. I will admit that I didn’t put a lot of thought into what might happen if I got caught. I never thought that far ahead and this was a mistake. But never – in this entire process- did I ever think that my marriage would end. In fact, that is not what I wanted. I love my husband. I’ve never stopped loving him. The affair was more about my attempts at self-sabotage because I never felt good enough for my husband. But I desperately want to stay married. When I tell my husband this fact, he says that I should have thought about that before I cheated. He’s right, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to surrender my marriage. What can I do to stay married?”
I have to be honest, I’m not a wife who has been in your position. But I am a faithful spouse who ended up staying in my marriage, so perhaps I can still offer some help. I can tell you some things that my husband did (which ultimately greatly affected my decision to remain married.) I waffled on this for a long time. I waited and watched. But ultimately, I did decide that my husband was showing the behaviors that made me feel safe in trusting him again. I will share some of these below.
Take Immediate Responsibility. Don’t Make Excuses: There is nothing that annoys and confuses a faithful spouse more than hearing the cheating spouse trying to deflect the blame or trying to make excuses for their behavior. Many times, the cheating spouse will attempt to, at least in some small way, justify their actions. They’ll say that they were under stress. They’ll try to argue that the marriage had been struggling. They’ll say that the affair meant nothing, etc. etc. What they don’t consider is that typically, the faithful spouse is and was dealing with all of the same set of circumstances and yet, the faithful spouse didn’t respond by cheating. Therefore, very few of these excuses actually help. In fact, they make things worse. You are much better off just taking a deep breath, admitting that you willingly and knowingly made a grave mistake, and stressing that you are deeply sorry for it. Then, promise to focus all of your attention on making it right. You did it. Now take responsibility for fixing it.
Know That Staying Married Is Going To Require Exploration, Work, And Rebuilding: Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes for a minute. If your spouse cheated on you, how hard would it be for you to trust again? Think about it. Although you might very much want to have blind faith, this would be very difficult because you’ve been burned so badly before. So in order to even think about trusting again, your spouse needs to know that you understand WHY you cheated and then are willing to work hard to remove this issue. You said that you were self-sabotaging. Why? And how will you avoid this in the future so that your spouse never has to endure this again? You need to be able to truly say that you have removed this issue from your life so that your spouse doesn’t need to be paranoid about repeat cheating. This may require a good deal of counseling or self-help, but if that is what it takes, you should be willing to do it.
Know That There May Be Necessary Requirements Which Seem Unfair: For a good amount of time, I required my husband to allow me to access his phone, messaging, and email. I didn’t make a habit of snooping, but I needed to know that he was willing to be absolutely transparent because he had nothing to hide. I’m sure he hated this invasion of his privacy, but he worked hard to be an open book and this went a long way for me. Some of the things that your spouse may ask of you may definitely seem unfair, but if you are sincere in wanting to save your marriage, you might find these things to be a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.
Worry More About Rebuilding A Strong Marriage Rather Than Merely Staying Married. Think About The Long Term: Many people think in the short term when trying to stay married after an affair. They can only think in terms of their spouse not leaving or about not getting a divorce. These things are important, but I promise you that it’s more important that you rebuild your marriage in the right way. If you don’t, then you may still have a marriage, but it will be one filled with resentment and mistrust. You really have to be in this for the long haul. You don’t want to look at the short reprieve or your own fleeting feelings. You want to look at the long-term health of your spouse and your marriage. If you make these things your main concern, your actions will naturally follow. You can never go wrong by prioritizing the needs of your spouse over the needs of yourself right now.
My husband eventually made it clear that his concern was about me and the long-term health of our family. Sure, he wanted the scrutiny to stop, but he knew that it was necessary. These were just a few of the things that made me feel safe in staying married. You can read more about our eventual full recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
