What Type Of Man Has An Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who have no idea what has come over their husband and what contributed most to him having an affair. Many wives tell me that they are not sure if they ever really knew their husbands at all because the man they knew would not lie, cheat, or betray them in this way. When you picture a stereotypical cheating man, you likely picture a shifty eyed, deplorable type of person that can’t look at you with a straight face and never says anything that is truly sincere. And yet, this is not the image that many wives have of their husbands – especially before he has an affair.
I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I am so shocked at and disappointed in my husband. He has always been a person of integrity and honor. He’s never shown himself to be a liar or someone who would turn his back on his wedding vows and yet now I am finding out that he has been having an affair for the last four weeks. He went behind my back. He lied to me. And he lied to her. He says he’s sorry now, but he’s probably sorry that he’s been caught. What kind of man has an affair? Because I feel like the one beside me is now a stranger and that I’ve been wrong about him all along.”
These types of comments are so very common. Many wives are so at odds from the loyal, sweet, honest and loving man they knew with the man they now know has been cheating or having an affair. This is so shocking and upsetting to them and they wonder if they are such a poor judge of character that they didn’t know that they’ve been wrong all along.
The thing is, you weren’t necessarily wrong about your husband. It’s possible for him to still be the sweet and honest person you thought he was but still to have committed this deplorable act. I will explain how this is possible in the following article.
A Man Who Has An Affair Is Often A Confused Man: As I said, the stereotypical view we have of a man who has an affair is often of a sneaky, diabolical liar. But often, a man who has an affair is a man who is very confused and often is feeling very badly about himself and his life. He’s often at odds with what he knows is right and what is happening right now. We often assume that a man who is having an affair is having the time of his life. This is certainly not always true and sometimes it’s downright no where near reality. I can’t tell you how many men tell me they sit in their car and literally cry or yell or obsessively run their fingers through their hair on their way home their wife. They often are quite conflicted and confused.
A Man Who Has An Affair Is Often A Man In Personal Crisis: I realize that this might be the first time that you are dealing with an affair and you may think that your husband’s situation is unique and outside of the norm. I can tell you that it probably is not. I hear from a lot of men in this situation on my surviving the affair blog and I can tell you that they often have a lot of things in common. Many are under some sort of stress or are going through some sort of personal crisis. They may have lost their job. They may have just buried a parent. Their child might be sick. Or perhaps they had a health scare or are struggling with this phase or their life and where they are right now.
Whatever the reason, a man will often have an affair to forget his problems, to reaffirm something about himself, or to sabotage himself in some way. I do sometimes hear from men who insist that everything was fine and wonderful in their life, but for some reason, they went and ruined it. This is a form of self sabotage and this too is a personal crisis.
A Man Who Has An Affair Is Sometimes A Redeemable Man: I sometimes hear from people who tell me that even though they’d really like to save their marriage, they just don’t think that this is going to be possible because they doubt that they will ever see their husband in the same light again. This is understandable and I felt the same way. But I can also tell you that many of the same men whose wives almost give up on end up being stellar husbands later after they are rehabilitated because they don’t want to take anything for granted again. Nearly losing their marriage has been them appreciate it more and they will often show you a commitment and a willingness to bend that might not have been there before.
That’s not to say that every man who has an affair can be rehabilitated or wants to be. Some are just serial cheaters who never learn. But others are sincere people who made a mistake and can be redeemed. The way to tell the difference is their behaviors and actions moving forward. I am not defending men who have affairs. I was on the receiving end of an affair and it hurt bitterly. But had I just went with the stereotypical “all men who have an affairs are pigs” mentality I wouldn’t still be married and actually quite happy now. There is no doubt that going through an affair can be devastating, but assumptions about anyone involved can sometimes be a mistake.
I was shocked and disappointed by my husband’s affair. It truly devastated me, but I later realized that I hated the man’s actions rather than hated the man. As we recovered and rebuilt, I came to realize that my husband was the same person who had made a grave mistake. That didn’t mean that I gave him a pass or forgot his behavior, but it did help me in moving forward. If it helps, you’re welcome to read the whole story of how I moved forward on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
