Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives are wondering when they are going to feel loving toward their husband again after he has cheated or had an affair. Many can’t help but see him differently after the infidelity. And some can’t imagine ever feeling the same way towards him again.

One might say in a discussion: “I found out about my husband’s affair about four months ago. I decided to stay only because of my kids. I am totally committed to my family and I would never have my children grow up in a single parent home. However, I don’t have loving feelings toward my husband anymore. I see him completely differently than I did before. I used to look up to and respect my husband. Now I just see him as a bit of impulsive loser. I always thought he had a high degree of integrity. But now I see he’s just like any normal weak minded man. My friends say that I should give it more time because my husband is a good man. And I admit that he is really trying to make things right. But nothing he does pleases me anymore. I find myself rolling my eyes at the things he does and says. And I nearly recoil if he comes near me or attempts to touch me. This is really worrying me because I feel zero loving feelings toward him and I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life. Is there any hope for us?”

There is always hope. And yes, your feelings for your husband can and do come back, as long as you have healed and as long as you believe that he’s genuinely remorseful and rehabilitated. I will discuss this more below.

Often, The Loving Feelings Leave Because He Hasn’t Been Acting Very Lovable: Often, wives feel very guilty when they no longer feel loving. After all, this is their husband and they have committed to their marriage. So they wonder why the feelings aren’t falling into place. The reason is that you can’t command your emotions. Even if you command your brain to think in a certain way, you can’t control the emotions that follow.

And frankly, you are a bit justified in feeling this way. After all, his actions weren’t the type to inspire your love for him. We feel loving toward people when they are honest, affectionate and kind. Very few of those adjectives are applicable here. So it’s very natural that your feelings for him are going to be in alignment with his actions and behaviors. So, there is no reason for you to feel guilty or to feel as if you are doing something wrong. With that said, it’s common sense that you can’t feel this way forever and expect your marriage to survive or to be pleasurable and fulfilling.  So, you have to be actively trying to heal and to more forward so that the feelings will eventually return or be recovered. I will discuss how to do this below.

If You Don’t Believe That He’s Remorseful Or On His Way To Becoming Fully Rehabilitated, Now Is The Time To Speak Up: I often find that when the anger or the lack of love remains, it’s often because the wife feels as if the husband is still getting away with something. Often, she believes that he hasn’t yet paid the price of his actions or she feels as if he isn’t truly sorry or may cheat again in the future. If anything that you have just read applies to you, then it’s time to be honest about what you need from him.

Because the truth is, until you feel that he is truly sorry and has done the necessary work to ensure he won’t cheat again, you are always going to be suspicious of him. And when you feel this way, you can’t welcome the love back in. So when people tell me that they are still angry, resentful, or don’t feel any of the old love, I always suspect that there are still issues that haven’t been addressed or fully resolved.

Make Sure That Your Anger Isn’t Coming From Other Sources Such As Yourself: Many times, wives will tell me that their husband is theoretically doing everything right. He’s going to counseling. He’s being accountable. And he’s trying to be the right type of husband. And yet the anger is there but the loving feelings aren’t.

If this is the case, try to honestly look at the source of your anger. Because I find that sometimes we as women are a little bit angry at ourselves. We are mad that we let this happen or that we didn’t see it coming. And this type of anger at ourselves can affect our ability to love or to trust. If you have any self-esteem issues that are the result of the affair, you will need to be honest and address those too. Because if you are still harboring self-doubt and self-anger, this may be ensuring that your defensive walls have yet to come down in order to allow you to love again.

In saying this, I don’t mean to imply that any of this is your fault. It most certainly isn’t. But sometimes in order to get what we truly want and deserve out of our marriage, we have to look at any issues we might have with both spouses, including ourselves.

I will admit that part of my recovery from the affair was restoring my self-esteem and learning to not beat myself up.  I love my husband very dearly today but restoring the loving feelings was definitely a gradual process.  Once I believed that he was truly sorry and understood why he cheated enough so that he wouldn’t repeat his behaviors, I began to feel more open to him.  And over time, we began to rebuild what we had. I honestly think that in some ways, our marriage is better than ever.  And we have learned to relate to one another in new ways which have deepened our loving feelings.  If it helps, you can read our story of recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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