Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives who are stunned, furious, hurt, and more than a little disgusted by how their husbands are behaving after having an affair. Sometimes the affair is still happening. Other times, it’s ended, but the fallout is still very fresh. And often, these women say things like:

“When is he going to wake up and realize how foolish he looks chasing after her?”
“Does he really not see what he’s giving up?”
“Why can’t he see this is going to blow up his whole life—and ours?”

These are completely valid questions. And honestly? There is a pattern that I’ve seen over and over again when it comes to men “coming to their senses” after an affair. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t usually happen as fast or as dramatically as most wives hope.

Let me explain.

Many Men Do Wake Up, But It’s Rarely Immediate: One of the hardest truths to accept is that many affairs don’t start because the husband is in love with the other woman. Most of the time, they start because something is broken inside of him. It could be a midlife crisis. A hit to his self-esteem. Grief, regret, or fear of getting older. It could be any number of things.

And the affair becomes a quick, easy-feeling escape. He doesn’t have to confront the issue directly. He doesn’t have to ask himself why he’s feeling so lost or insecure. He just dives into a distraction that makes him feel powerful, desirable, or alive again.

But here’s the catch: he usually doesn’t realize any of this while it’s happening. He thinks the affair is the answer. And for a while, he clings to that belief.

So no, he’s not thinking clearly. He’s not acting logically. And the man you see running around acting like a teenager isn’t necessarily the man you married. But that man is still in there.

In time, the fog tends to lift.

Sometimes the other woman leaves, and that jolts him. Sometimes you find out and set a boundary, and that forces a reckoning. Sometimes he just starts to see that nothing about this relationship is what he imagined.

And sometimes, it’s just a matter of enough time passing that he can finally look in the mirror and admit: This isn’t who I want to be.

Unfortunately, He Has to Get There on His Own: This is the part that’s hard to hear and harder to live through. You can plead. You can cry. You can list every way he’s damaging your marriage, your kids, your life. But if he’s still in justification mode? He won’t hear you.

In fact, he might twist it. I’ve had wives tell me their husbands used their own anger as an excuse:
“She’s always nagging me.”
“I can’t ever do anything right in her eyes.”
“No wonder I was tempted.”

Do I agree with that logic? Absolutely not. But I do know how common it is. The reality is, when a man is caught up in the false high of an affair, he will do mental gymnastics to defend it. And if you challenge him too aggressively too soon, he might just double down.

That doesn’t mean you stay silent or pretend like it doesn’t matter. But it does mean that your best move might be to step back, protect your dignity, and let him unravel this on his own.

Focus on Your Own Strength First: I always tell women this: He’s not the only one who has something to figure out right now. What helped me most during this painful chapter of my life was shifting the focus away from him and back onto me.

I stopped trying to wake him up. I started trying to heal myself. That looked like journaling, reading, and leaning on friends I could trust. That looked like rediscovering who I was, separate from his choices.

And yes, in time, he did come around. He did come to his senses. And because I hadn’t torn him down or said something I couldn’t take back, we were able to rebuild—slowly, but strongly.

We are now in a place I never thought we’d get to. And I say that with full honesty: I never imagined I’d forgive him. I never imagined I’d feel safe again. But I do.

Some Men Come Back. Some Don’t. But You Can Still Win: I’m not going to tell you to wait around indefinitely. That decision is deeply personal. Some women walk away and never look back. Others wait. Others draw a line and say: You fix this, or I’m gone. There’s no one right answer.

But what I will say is this: most men do eventually see the affair for what it is. And most of the time, it doesn’t deliver on what it promised. When that realization hits, it stings. And that’s often when the man begins to see the value of what he had before—and the damage he caused trying to chase something fleeting.

Whether or not you let him back in is up to you. But no matter what, don’t let his crisis destroy your foundation. Build yourself back up. Get strong again.

Because no matter how the story ends, you’ll be standing tall, and that alone is a win. You can read more of my story, and how we got through it, on my blog:
http://surviving-the-affair.com

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