Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: As if dealing with your husband’s affair isn’t bad enough, the uncertainty about what is going to happen next can be very hard to deal with. Sure, you may not even be certain that you want to stay married, but the idea of a divorce might be something that you don’t want to encounter for now. But when you attempt to ask your husband about this, he may refuse to speak on the topic, which can leave you with even more uncertainty at a time when this is the last thing that you need.

A wife might say: “I honestly have no idea what I want to happen with my marriage. I need time to process my husband’s affair. I am still in shock. However, even so, I find myself wondering about how he is feeling with all of this. At one point I got very frustrated and I lashed out at my husband with: ‘are we heading for divorce, then? Is that what you’ve done? Completely destroyed our marriage with your affair so that there is no hope?’ He did not answer me and he left the room. There have been other times where I’ve lead the conversation by saying things like: ‘well, after we’re divorced, we’ll have to work together regarding the children….’ but my husband never takes the bait with this. It is as if he refuses to even put talk of a divorce on the table. Why is this?”

Well, I can only speculate about this. But there could be a few reasons for his avoidance of that topic. I will discuss them below.

He May Think That Talk Of A Divorce Is Premature: To be honest, it can take a couple quite a while to get to a point where both spouses can begin to evaluate where they are in this process and what they might want going forward. As you well know, immediately after the affair, feelings are so raw and painful that it is almost impossible to be objective or to have the distance necessary to make a sound decision. Honestly, after my husband’s affair, I was just reacting to anger and shock. I did not have the ability to have a sound thought process for quite a while.

Your husband may realize this and know that it’s probably best not to make any permanent or important decisions right now.

He May Think That You Are Baiting Him To Get A Reaction: Another reason that your spouse may hesitate to respond to you is that he’s often not sure if you are just trying to get a reaction out of him. He may not even be sure how you want for him to react. There may be some confusion as to whether or not he is supposed to say: “of course I don’t want a divorce.”  He may be unsure about whether or not you truly want one and he’s going to therefore be rejected when he indicates that he wants to reconcile.

In short, he may be confused as to what type of response you want out of him, so he may think that it is actually “safer” for him to say nothing and to wait it out.

Getting Him To Show More Of His True Feelings: I know that what you’re really trying to do is to get him to reveal his feelings. But you have to understand that he is probably afraid to do that. He knows that you are very angry with him and are trying hard to get a reaction. So it’s natural that he’s guarded and unsure as to what type of truth you are looking for.

I think that the better strategy is to know that this might take a little time. Sure, he could try to tell you what you want to hear, but frankly, both of you may well know that it’s too soon to make these types of determinations.

In my experience, the best that you can hope for early on is some sort of commitment to try to get help before you make any lasting decisions. I found this to be a nice compromise. Because I couldn’t honestly tell my husband that I wasn’t going to divorce him. I had no way to know that at the time. But what I was willing to do was to vow that, for the sake of my kids, I wasn’t going to make any rash decisions and that I would listen to the opinions of professionals and my own heart long before I made any decisions that were going to affect my family.

In this way, I couldn’t predict a divorce or a reconciliation. But I could predict that I wasn’t going to make snap decisions that might cause regret. Yes, marriages damaged by affairs do sometimes end in divorce. But we often can’t make this call immediately, especially when one or both parties are not sure where they want to go from here.

I know that uncertainly is hard and that you want more information about your husband’s feelings. But look at it this way. At least he’s not telling you a divorce is imminent. And he’s probably holding back because he isn’t really sure what you want.

I’d suggest giving it a little time and knowing that your feelings are going to change as time passes and you have more information, insights, and the ability to think rationally rather than just going off of your raw emotions.

I know that it’s almost impossible to be patient right now.  But truly, feelings, perceptions and wishes can change rapidly in this environment.  And reacting to the same can cause regrettable actions.  I learned this the hard way. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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