Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are torn when their husband says or does sweet things.  While most wives would love to hear these sorts of things, a wife whose husband has been unfaithful always finds herself second guessing.  She finds herself wondering if his words are original or recycled.  And this can seriously affect her ability to move on or to save her marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a long term affair that I found out about three months ago.  Since that time, he has broken things off and we’ve been trying to slowly rebuild our marriage.  I can tell that he’s trying very hard.  He’s been very sweet and sometimes I get carried away by what he says.  I want to just enjoy what he’s saying to me, but I can’t.  I find myself wondering if he said the same words to her.  He brings me flowers and I wonder if he went to the same flower shop for her.  If he brings me lingerie, well, this just completely sets me off.  I worry the whole day and get mental images of her in lingerie for him.  In short, when my husband says sweet things or makes loving gestures, I can’t just enjoy them like a normal wife would.  Instead, these things cause me pain because it only brings about more possibilities between him and her.  I don’t know what to do about this.  I’m afraid to share this with my husband because I’m worried that it would discourage him and I need him to say and do sweet things.  I don’t want him to stop trying.  But his words hurt me because they just make me think of the affair.  What should I do?”

I really felt for this wife because I know how this feels.  It’s perfectly normal.  It’s very common.  But it hurts nonetheless.  I know that none of my words make you feel better.  But it might help to know that, with healing and time, this experience will often pass.  That doesn’t mean that it’s easy when you’re going through it.  So in the following article, I will offer some tips on how to handle this.

Don’t Get Discouraged.  Know That It Will Get Better:  This is a doubly difficult situation because in order to heal and recover, you need for your husband to be loving toward you.  But, psychologically, his loving gestures are causing pain.  Some wives are tempted to ask him to hold off for a while or to rebuke his advances.  Although I understand this, I would hesitate to encourage it.  If your husband knows that his loving feelings cause you this type of pain, he is going to shut down.  And then you might potentially feel insecure when he stops showing his love.  And suddenly, even though you both had the best intentions, you suddenly find yourself in a position where neither of you are expressing your emotions and everyone is left wondering what the other is feeling.

I’m not saying that you should lie or that you shouldn’t tell your husband what you are feeling. I’m just suggesting that you need to be careful about how you communicate this because it usually does pass as you become more secure.  And it would be unfortunate if this caused more problems before it passed, since better times might be just around the corner.

Many husbands tell me that they’re afraid to make any sort of move because they’re always afraid that anything they do is going to be wrong.  So it’s important that you stress that your husband’s loving actions aren’t necessarily wrong and that you don’t want to discourage them.  But you do want to share your struggles because you want to be honest.

Try To Make A Commitment To Be Receptive Of His Love Until He Gives You A Reason Not To: You have every right to feel what you are feeling and to have doubts and insecurities.  But, at some point, when you are ready, you will need to decide if you’re willing to really allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to save or improve your marriage.  If you are always suspicious and doubtful, it is going to take it’s toll on your marriage and this is not really fair to you.

So at some point, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and just trust.  Yes, this carries some risk.  But if you won’t allow anyone in to hurt you, then you also can’t allow anyone in to truly love you. I’m not saying that your husband doesn’t have to earn back your trust.  He does.  But when he does, it’s often beneficial to give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

Do some men lie to their wives after an affair?  Yes, some do.  But time is going to tell you if your husband falls into this category.   And often, you can tell when he is genuine.  You can feel it.  And if you feel it, then try to not let the doubt overtake the progress that is happening. While it’s true that you can’t control the feelings that pop into your head, you can control the actions that follow those feelings.  Sometimes, you just have to stop and remind yourself that although the insecurities and fears are perfectly normal and understandable, you’ve made the decision to save your marriage by giving your husband a second chance and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.

I do understand how much this hurts.  But the best way to make it pass quickly is to focus on your healing.  Because once you’ve made progress, you’ll likely find that these feelings start to wane and you actually begin to enjoy it when your husband says and does sweet things.  Don’t allow this to slow or halt your progress.  Just acknowledge your feelings but vow to keep moving forward any way.  If it helps, you can read the healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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