When Will My Husband Realize His Affair Is A Mistake?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are so frustrated because their husband seems to have blinders on when it comes to the other woman with whom he is having an affair. Often, it is as if their husband has lost all of his common sense, at least where she is concerned. Much of the time, the wife will try various things in an attempt to get her husband to see reality. But as frustrating as it is, sometimes it seems as if the only real option is to wait.
I heard from a wife who said: “the bimbo that my husband is having an affair with is so clearly only in it for his money. Why else would a young, uneducated, and social climbing young woman want him? This woman is so gaudy and over the top, but my husband just doesn’t see it. To my husband, she is the first woman who truly appreciates and understands him. He doesn’t seem to notice that she only seems interested in what he can give her. There is no doubt in my mind that if my husband cut off the money and the gifts, she would drop him immediately. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but he doesn’t want to hear it. When will he realize what kind of mistake he is making? We have a beautiful family. This is going to break my children’s hearts. I know that my husband is going to regret this one day. But when?”
Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell this wife an exact date or time frame. I find that many men who have affairs come to realize their mistake. But sometimes, this takes a while. Often when he is so caught up in the excitement and the newness of the affair, he just can not see reality. And frankly, he often doesn’t want to see reality because it is easier (and feels better) to remain blind, which leads me to my next point.
Understand That He Often Feels It’s In His Best Interest To Deny Reality: I have to tell you that I believe that many men who cheat are running away from the pain of something. Often, they are trying to deny aging or facing their own mortality. Many have suffered a personal or emotional loss. They often cheat at times in their lives when they are struggling or are very vulnerable.
And often, the affair is a means of escape. She might make him feel younger, more desirable, and more free. So it’s no wonder that he wants to hold onto that, even if somewhere deep down in his heart, he knows that this is foolish. But it feels so much better to not face reality. So he will sometimes drag his feet as much as possible in this regard.
Sometimes, The Other Woman Ends Things And This Forces Him To Face Reality: You may not realize or believe this, but sometimes, the other woman will find another man or she will tire of the relationship. And when she ends things, this will often force him to face reality. Often, when he isn’t seeing her every day and he gains a little distance, he will come to realize that the only thing truly in it for her was the material gain.
Along that same line of thinking, sometimes the other woman’s motivations will become obvious. Often, she will push for more and when he resists, then suddenly she will lose interest. It’s often at that point where he can no longer deny that she wasn’t truly interested in him as a person. Once this realization hits, then it’s obvious that the affair was a mistake.
Often, He Realizes His Mistake Once The Novelty Wears Off Or Some Time After The Affair Is Found Out: As I alluded to before, it’s often difficult to see reality when you are caught up in the excitement of the affair. But this type of excitement will often burn out. Things can only remain new for so long. Sometimes, the excitement burns out after the affair is discovered. There can be something very exciting about a forbidden secret but once every one knows about the secret, then the excitement can leave as well. And once he’s no longer caught up in all of this, he is more apt to face the reality that this was a silly mistake.
Unfortunately, Your Telling Him What A Big Mistake He’s Making Often Isn’t The Answer: I know that it can be very tempting to be brutally honest with him and tell him that he looks like an old fool who is being taken advantage of. But you have to understand that self preservation is going to prevent him from listening. No one wants to hear or believe these things about themselves. And if anything, you might inspire him to get defensive and to list why you are so very wrong. So as tempting as it is to lay out all of the cold, hard facts, I have to tell you that he often won’t believe you and this might even bring him closer to her as he tries to defend the relationship.
But to answer the question posed, the time that it takes for him to realize his mistake can vary. Many men do develop the hindsight to see the affair clearly eventually. But this may not happen as quickly as the wife might like. I believe that the best thing that you can do in this situation is to conduct yourself with dignity and respect and to focus on yourself and your own healing. There is no need to delay your progress while you are waiting for him. He will come to his own conclusions eventually but there is no reason for you to delay getting what you need.
This is one reason that many men need to do some self work after an affair. They need to deal with whatever fear or vulnerability made them cheat in the first place. And in the meanwhile, it’s very important that you take the time for facilitate your own recovery. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
